Subject: Fw: Transportation Security Administration
National Lampoon's Transportation Security Administration
By Larry Simoneaux
Aw geez. Where do I start on this one? We've got a gazillion dollar airline industry whose job it is to convey people from one place to another in airplanes. It does (and has done) this with a safety record that's truly remarkable.
Recent events, however, have shown us that the world harbors some seriously deranged people who are willing to climb aboard airplanes and do really nasty things with them.
Because of this, we've had to give airport security a hard look. This turned up several problems. One was that, under harsh scrutiny,
"Did you pack your own bag today?" didn't turn out to be the hard nosed deterrent it was meant to be. A much more serious problem, however, was
the finding that airport screeners were not well trained, had a horrendous turnover rate, and were often paid less than janitors working at the sameairport.
Enter Congress - a group renowned for the fact that rational thought seldom ripples the serene surface of its collective mind. After looking into the situation, they said we had to improve airport security...a good start.
They said we had to improve the quality of airport screeners, reduce turnover, and increase their pay...I was still with them.
They said that pork, politics, and partisanship would be put aside for the good of the country. Airline safety was going to be the bottom line.
(I had tears in my eyes, my hand over my heart, and was humming("America the Beautiful.")
They said, "We're going to turn airline security over to the federal government." (Do what??) The federal government, do consider, which is home to: The Helium Reserve(in case our fleet of battle blimps ever runs low on helium); Federal Housing (now, in many places, being dynamited into oblivion); The War on Poverty (motto: "Trillions down the drain and we ain't plugged it yet."); snd the Honey subsidy (those bees are still suffering) - to
name but a few.
So, Congress federalized airport screeners. Then, in a move guaranteed to make us feel safer, the Transportation Security Administration announced that (I couldn't make this up if I wanted to) airport screeners will
not be required to have high school diplomas.
I wonder what the recruiting posters are going to say? "Didn't finish 9th grade? Have we got a job for you!"
What about entrance exams? Are they going to have something to do with Legos(c) and finger-painting? But wait. There's more. To ensure we never offend anyone - particularly fanatics intent on killing us - airport screeners will not be allowed toprofile people.
They will continue random searches of 80-year-old women, little kids, airline pilots with proper identification, Secret Service agents who
are members of the President's security detail and 85-year old Congressmen with metal hips.
CONT.