A rather impulsive young lady walks into a tattoo studio and asks to have a picture of Elvis tattooed high up on her inner thigh. The tattoo artist goes to work for about 3 hours and does a fine job of inking her with a likeness of Elvis.

She looks at it and says, "That doesn't look anything like Elvis at all!!"  They argue back and forth for a few minutes, and the guy reluctantly agrees to do it again, on the other thigh.

Six hours later he steps back to admire his work.  Perfect! He believes that he has captured the true essence of the dearly departed King.  Man, it looks like a photograph!  The woman takes a good long look and starts shouting at the guy again, "What, are you blind!?  Who's picture is that!?"  He hold up an Elvis album and askes her to compare the likeness.

She's still arguing with the guy when he proposes that they get an independent opinion.  She agrees, they walk out in front of the store and accost the first person that walks by--a very drunk old man. "Will you help us?", they ask. "Can you please identify someone from a picture?".  "Sh-u-ure", he slurs and stumbles into the shop.  

The young lady whips off her pants and underwear, hops up on the table and spreads her legs.  Tattoo artist asks the drunk, "OK. Who's picture is that?"

The drunk sidles up to the table and peers at the woman's crotch for a full two minutes.  "Well," he says, "I don't recognize the twins, but the one in the middle is definitely Willie Nelson!"

If this story doesn't make you cry for laughing so hard, let
me know and I'll pray for you.
This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years.
The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke.
The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.
Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that
it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that
one day he would blow his guts out.

The years when by and he continued to rip them out. Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was
upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkeyinnards
and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.

She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and,gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic
waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which
was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself
as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she
reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained
underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what as the matter.

He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and Idid not listen to  you.
"What do you mean?" asked his wife. "Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally
happened.

But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in.



I think I read this one years ago but I just got it again this morning....and it still made me laugh......

A married couple goes out for the night to celebrate their 50th anniversary.  After a nice dinner at the restaurant where he proposed to her, they went to spend the night at the same motel where they spent their honeymoon night.  The wife is mezmerized by the effort her husband put into planning their special night together.  She's even more astonished when they get to their room - it's #222, the same room they spent their honeymoon night in.

After some casual conversation, the wife goes into the bathroom to slip into something a little more comfortable.  When she comes out, she finds her husband sitting in the same spot on the bed, lost in deep thought...

She sits down next to him and asks "John, are you thinking the same kinds of thoughts you were thinking on our honeymoon night?"

"Yes dear, I am" he replies.

She cuddles a little close and asks "And what were you thinking that night?"

He says "I was thinking I was going to fuck your brains out and suck your tits dry...."

She cuddles closer still and asks "And what are you thinking tonight, John?"






He says





"I'm thinking what a good job I did."

The indian chief walks into the whorehouse and approaches the madame.  "Me big chief, me wantem big fuck!"  The madame looks at him and asks "Do you have any money?"  "Me big chief me havem plent money!" he says.  "Do you have experience?"  He thinks, lowers his head and says "Me havem no experience."

So the madame tells him about the oak tree with the special knot hole at the edge of town and explains that he should first go there to get his "experience" and then come back another night.

The next night the indian chief walks back into the whore house and straight up to the madame.  "Me big chief, me got plenty money, me got plenty experience.  Me wantem BIG fuck!"

So she takes his money and escorts him down the hall to a prostitute who is waiting in a dimly lit room.  The madame introduces them and then closes the door.  

As she walks down the hall she hears the blood-curdling screams of the prostitute.  She rushes back and forces open the door only to find the chief violating the young girl with a broom stick.  "What are you doing?" she screams.

"Me big chief, me not dumb.  Me checkem for bees this time!"

This wife has been married for seven years and has six kids
and is tired of being pregnant. So, she goes to talk to her
priest, the priest tells her to go and by a ten gallon
bucket and stick her feet in it of a night, she thanks him
and goes off to do as he says.

Well six months later the priest sees her and sure enough
she is pregnant again. The priest asks her if she followed
his instructions, she said yes but that she could not find
a ten-gallon bucket, so she bought two five gallon buckets.

A three legged dog walks into a bar and says                                                                                                                                             "I'M LOOKING FOR THE SOB THAT SHOT MY PAW!!!!!"

OK Cigardad, not to be outdone with dog jokes---

Where do you find a dog with no legs?

Right where you left him!

On a more serious note (And this is for all you Union guys):

A union boss at a convention in Las Vegas decides to visit a local brothel. He asks the madam, "Is this a union house?"

"No, I’m sorry, it isn’t," she says.

"Well, if I pay $100, what do the girls get?" he asks.

"The house gets $80 and the girl gets $20."

Mighty offended by such unfair dealings, the man stomps off in search of a more equitable shop.

Finally, he reaches a brothel where the madam says, "Why yes, this is a union house."

"And if I pay $100, what do the girls get?" he asks.

"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."

"That’s more like it!" the man says. He looks around the room and points to a gorgeous young redhead. "I’d like her for the night."

"I’m sure you would, sir, but…" says the madam, gesturing at a 70-year-old woman in the corner, "Ethel here has seniority."

Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of  the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm  completely nude."
>
With that she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Mama needs new clothes!" Then she hollered..."YES! YES! I WON! I WON!"

She jumped up and down and hugged each of the dealers. She then picked up all the money and clothes and quickly departed.
>
The dealers just stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know I thought YOU were watching!"
>
>
Moral: Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.

One of my favorite on liners.


Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?





Ask you mom.

Edited to add "but the one in the middle with the beard and bad breath has got to be Willie Nelson!"

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef.


What do you call a leper in a bathtub?


Soup!

What do you call a dog with no legs?
It doesn't matter, he can't come anyway.

How do you fit a 2 ton elephant into a 2 square inch box?




Hint: you take the p out of soup and the f out of way.




Answer: there's no f in way.
(sound it out)

Bob has been at his favorite bar for 6 hours, downing beers.  After he is thoroughly drunk, he asks the bartender, "Can I use the bathroom?", in a slurred voice.  

The bartender says "Sure, its right over there," and points to the door.  Bob goes in, and is in the bathroom for a very long time.  After about 1/2 hour, the bartender heres a blood-curdling scream, then silence from the bathroom.  A little later, he hears another scream.

The bartender rushes over and pounds on the door, yelling "What is going on in there?!"  

Bob yells back, "Its horrible!  Every time I flush the toilet, something jumps out of the bowl and squeezes my balls until I scream!"

The bartender kicks in the door and yells, "You dumb ass, you're sitting on the mop bucket!"