I own a limousine service.  I just got home from a job that ran from 2pm - 2am.  I gotta share this somewhere because I can't believe all the things that happened myself.  



I'm in a town of less than 40,000.  I own the only limousine service in town and the only SUV limo in the state, which was the car we were using tonight.  Its a Ford Excursion with a 200" stretch, it seats about 25.  Today I was contracted to drive for a wedding.  I picked up the girls of the wedding party at their hotel at 2:00 and took them to the ceremony location, a second story auditorium in our downtown area.  I went back to the hotel at 3:00 to pick up the guys.  I was supposed to get five groomsmen, the best man and the groom.  I had five groomsmen, no one had seen the best man or the groom since the night before.  The ceremony was scheduled for 4:30, so an hour later at 4:00 with no groom, folks were getting nervous.



We had the hotel manager open their rooms.  Empty.  Undisturbed beds.  We started calling everyone we could think of.  We finally found the best man and groom still passed out on the floor of one of their friend's apartments at about 4:15.  The groomsmen brought them to consciousness, tossed the groom in the shower and slapped his suit on him in record time.  The ceremony started at 4:45.



After the ceremony I was to shuttle wedding guests  from the reception to their hotels from 10:00 to Midnight.  The first group of the night to go to the hotel was only two people, a man and woman.  We got about halfway to the hotel and I happened to glance in the rear view mirror and saw that she was blowing him right there in the back seat.  I stopped the car and explained that I'm not willing to clean that shit up, its not appropriate behavior in the car and they need to wait the five minutes it will take us to get to the hotel.  They apologized and looked embarassed.  Two minutes later I happened to look in the mirror again and he's got her on the floor of the car and is laying the wood to her from behind.  I turned around and shouted, "GOD DAMMIT, WHAT PART OF 'DON'T DO THAT IN THE CAR' DID YOU NOT UNDERSTAND!?"  While doing that I blew through a stop sign and was promptly pulled over.  



To their credit, they did stop when they saw the flashing lights.  



The officer was very nice, didn't seem to mind that I have my carry permit and was carrying. (Glock 17 in a shoulder holster, more on that later.)  When I told him what was going on in the back seat, explained that I knew that stop sign was there and apologized for missing it, he just laughed and said, "Well, you better get them to the hotel then."  He followed me over there, gave me a verbal warning chatted with me for a few minutes about my choice on carry firearms and let me go on my way.  Nice guy.



The next group included a 60+ year old lady who got in the car, rolled the window down and vomited down the side of the car before we even started moving.  I hosed it off after dropping them at the hotel.



From 12:00 I was contracted to transport the wedding guests anywhere they wanted to go, until 2:00am.  There were only two of them that wanted to go out and they wanted to go to a local bar known for attracting young kids who think they're badass gangstas.  (I was once thrown out of this bar for getting in a fistfight with a puerto rican chick.  I didn't start that fight, to this day, I don't know what started it, but it ended with the bouncers landing on me like a ton of bricks, but that's another story.)



So we arrive at this bar, my passengers go inside and I'm parked for less than five minutes before the first drunk stumbles up to the window.  His pants are around his knees as a fashion choice and his hat is sitting on his head at an awkward angle, the bill completely flat.  I often say you can judge someone's IQ based on the way they wear a hat and their waistline to beltline ratio.  This guy helped prove my theory, he was dumb as a sack of hammers.  He knocked on the window just almost hard enough to break it.  I cracked the window and said, "Can I help you?"



He slurred, "Who's in the back?"

I said, "No one.  Get away from the car."



He called me some names and jumped around in a tantrum fit for a 3 year old, except it was peppered with the word, 'fuck'.  Then he stumbled across the parking lot, got in his car and drove off.  I called the police and reported drunk driver #1.  



Ten minutes passed without incident.  Then a girl walked out of the bar, escorted by two big ass bouncers who looked like they could land on a poor guy who might be waylayed by a puerto rican chick like a ton of bricks.  She walked up to the side of the car and proceeded to scream at it.  I let that go on for about half a minute, then I got out and said, "Can I help you with something?"



She said, "Yeah, go in there and find my dad."

I said, "Sorry, I can't leave the car unattended."

She said, "But my dad has my wallet and I need you to go get it for me, his name is Jim."

I said, "I'm sorry, I can't help you."

She went back to screaming at the side of the car, demanding that whoever was in there come out and go find her dad so she could get her wallet.  I asked her politely to go away before I call the police, she called me some names, walked toward her car, misjudged a curb and fell flat on her face.  She picked herself up, screamed one more insult at me, fished around in her pockets, produced some car keys and drove off.  I called the police and reported drunk driver #2.



Something you should know about this car I'm driving.  Its 46 feet long from bumper to bumper.  Its turning radius is measured in longitude.  You can't park it anywhere.  So I'm moving it back and fourth, letting cars pulling in and out get past.  Two guys get in a Dodge Durango, I move back to let them out and as they go by one shouts, "Get the fuck out of my way asshole!"  I shouted back, "Fuck yourself."  They went on, I didn't bother to call them in because their insult wasn't up to muster.



Around 1:40 my passengers came out of the bar.  They were both HAMMERED drunk and were being closely followed by two black guys (a rare sight in Wyoming.)  One of whom had his hand hidden behind his back.  My spidey sense went apeshit.  They got about 30' from me and I said, "Do you know those guys?"  He spun around and see these two fine gentlemen, both wearing t-shirts with dogs on them and fake gold chains to make Mr. T blush and then they all started screaming at each other.  



As near as I can figure, one of the gold chain guys tried to pick up my female passenger and she shot him down and these two guys had been harassing her for the better part of an hour since then.  My female passenger got in the car and told her boyfriend to do the same.  He backed up toward the car and the other two stayed where they were for a minute, calling the girl a slut, whore, cum-sponge, all sorts of ironic things like that.  He got in the car, I closed the door and they started toward me, the one with his hand still behind his back.  



So then I shouted, "Stay the fuck back!  This is over!"



They stopped, called me some uninspired names, made some empty threats and left.  



I drove my passengers home without incident.  That last moment, when they started toward me was the closest I have ever come to drawing my weapon.  When I got home, I bladed for good measure.  I considered having an adrenaline dump, but I've already had two Red Bulls and didn't want to overdo it.  



And that, children, is what its like to drive a limousine.  

Sounds almost like some of my nights as a cop.  You really can't underestimate how incredibly fucking STUPID some people are.  

10/10.





Would read again, and while I hope you stay safe––I hope you post more stores in the future.

too long did not read

Thanks, you might want to check out my previous work titled, "Verizon Wireless left me to die."



http://www.ar15.com/archive/topic.html?b=1&f=5&t=764331



 

oh MAN, i remember that thread!



That was insane!



 

sounds like your night was more interesting than mine.

Hell , the wife and I fell asleep in the back of our limo for the ride tho Ohare, and sit in an airport, til our filght left.  

We saw some guys arguing with a limo driver at the Cub convention this past winter. It was out side the Hilton and Towers.  He seemed to be for hire, they wanted a cheap ride .  Kinda funny , at the time.  Never got too freaky.

tagged like the slut in your limo taking it from behind





























this brightened my night. stay safe out there and you need to do this every weekend

What kind of driver does that. You spoiled all the guys fun.. and if the lady did it right, there shouldn't have been any "mess' to clean up






ETA- We need some pics of said limo

I would find another job...but maybe you have a much higher tolerance for bullshit than I do

Well I don't like to take that chance.  You only have to try and scrub cum off leather seats once before you realize you never want to do it again.  I'm sure they finished in a much more appropriate location.





And here ya go.  




This is the rest of my fleet.  In case you're curious.  I'm the fat guy on the right.  The other guy is my Brother.





 

you're missing out, its a good read.












 

So...



what you're saying, is that you had a slow night?

I don't think your fat






Those are some sweet rigs..  I've always wanted to drive one once, but I bet the first turn I had to make, I'd be shitting bricks

10/10


Can't wait for more!!!!!

I drove a limo once.  S class.  Total hack job on the car.  It was a PITA to drive.

I do not drink, and therefore do not have a great deal of experience with drunks and bars.  Your post has made me realize that I really am not missing out on anything.

ALCOHOL mans method to his madness.

At least its not boring.  Great read.

Sounds like a good gig as long as the drunks pay in advance.

Not the fame and glory I always thought it would be?  


j/k...I guess every line of work has it's bullshit to put up with. Dealing with the public gives you extra points though.

Do you have to have any special training or license to drive that monstrosity? I'd need three Minis acting as tug boats to parallel park it.

Sounds like a good time. You hiring?

Right.  Got it.




 

wow ! thats one hell of a nite !

Content: 10

Humor: 9

Rant factor: 9

Spelling, grammar, and punctuation: 10



Yep, that's a solid 9.5.

Tag for later...

10/10!!

Indeed, one hell of a night

If you didn't read it, you need to

In on one

Sounds like one hell of a wedding reception!

Wow..  Stay safe out there man..

Nice Fleet ya got there.  I was entertained and I'm sure you were too... lol

Good read.  There was an Excursoion limo in Colorado Springs I haven't seen in a while.  Coincidence?

this. funny read

Hoping this also.  Maybe he could start a blog www.limostories.com and www.limodriverstories.com are both open on Godaddy.   You could have limo drivers from around the world post their stories.



 

BAHAHAH that was great.

Thanks for sharing.

And a lot of them congregate at the same type place.

Probably just a coincidence.

Black guys? In Wyoming?

I hope you make a good living. Seem like a lot of drama per dollar.

One of the more entertaining stories on ARFCOM in a while.



Thanks for posting.



BTW thanks for the warning about Verizon roadside asst.  
 

10/10, good story, well written.

10/10

If ever there was a need for the "Cool Story Bro", this one actually deserves it.

Good shit!

Wow, I usually never make it to the end of these longs posts.  But I must say it was very entertaining.   Thanks for sharing.  

10/10. I would subscribe to your newsletter.

That's when I knew his story was
.






 

There are a few hundred of them in town.  These guys had Jamaican accents, so I'm guessing they are imports here for the community college.  Our basketball team brings people in from all over the world.  










Don't think so, I bought that one in California in 2006.  





 






In point of fact, yes I am.  $15/hr plus tips.  You've got to supply your own suit and pepper spray.





 








 Yes, I have a Class C CDL with a passenger endorsement.  Its not possible to parallel park it, it doesn't turn fast enough.  Its sort of like driving a boat when you're retaining some speed but you've pulled it into neutral.  You can sort of change course, but turning is sluggish.  



 

Do you have to have a security license to go armed with clients?

Absolutely hilarious.

Yes I can, I work in IT..

Great read!
10/10

They went on, I didn't bother to call them in because their insult wasn't up to muster.




Great read!


I agree 10/10