To ensure we never offend anyone - particularly fanatics intent on killing us, airport screeners will not be allowed to profile people. They will continue random searches of 80-year-old women, little kids, airline pilots with proper identification, Secret Service agents who are members of the President's security detail and 85-year old Congressmen with metal hips.
Pause a moment and take the following test.
In 1979, the U.S. embassy in Iran was taken over by:
(a) Norwegians from Ballard;
(b) Elvis;
(c) A tour bus full of 80-year-old women; or
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40.
In 1983, the U.S. Marine barracks in Beirut was blown up by:
(a) A pizza delivery boy;
(b) Crazed feminists screeching that being able to throw a grenade beyond
its own burst radius was an unfair and sexist requirement in basic training;
( c) Geraldo Rivera making up for a slow news day;
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40.
In 1988, Pan Am Flight 103 was bombed by:
(a) Luca Brazzi, for not being given a part in "Godfather 2;"
(b) The Tooth Fairy;
( c) Butch and Sundance who had a few sticks of dynamite left over from
the train thing;
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40.
In 1998, the U.S. embassies in Kenya and Tanzania were bombed by:
(a) Mr. Rogers;
(b) Hillary, to distract attention from Wee Willie's women problems;
( c) the WWF, to promote its next villain: "Mustapha the Merciless;"
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40.
On 9/11/01, four airliners were hijacked and destroyed by:
(a) Bugs Bunny,
(b) the Supreme Court of Florida trying to outdo their attempted hijacking
of the 2000 Presidential election;
( c) Mr. Bean; or
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40.
How'd you do? Did you detect a pattern that would indicate we'd better take
a close look at a certain type of individual who might be boarding an airplane with something on his mind other than "What's the in-flight movie?"
You think so? Horrors! You're nothing more than a closet racist who could
never be hired as an official federal airport screener. You probably molest
goats too - but that's another column. So, as it now stands, we have the
Transportation Security Administration (letterhead: "No way we're flying.")
trying to improve the professionalism of airport screeners by lowering
standards and forbidding the use of common sense in screening people.
Makes sense, right? Right. Pardon me while I go bang my head against the wall. Maybe that'll help me understand