Thought you all might enjoy...
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Dear Mom,

What can I say? War is hell, but Guantanamo is fab. Temps are hovering in the low 70s, finally got rid of that rat's nest the T'bans called a beard, and am eating better than we ever did at Osama's. I've already put on 10 pounds. When I get out of here, I'll bring you a box of Froot Loops.

When do I get out of here -- now there's the question of the millennium. But, hey, who's in a hurry? Like I said, they feed us, let us shower, pray, write home. They even gave us a mattress, prayer mats and a copy of the Quran. What a bunch of twits.

Speaking of which, have you been following the news about our maltreatment here? It's a hoot. Amnesty International and a bunch of other bleeding-heart organizations have been giving the Americans hell for being hard on us. They said that shaving our heads and beards was a human-rights violation because it humiliated us. I'm telling you, who needs Comedy Central? Me? I'm just happy to be rid of the lice, but don't tell anybody. Ha, ha.

Our self-anointed protectors also say that making us live in these open-air pens is cruel. Obviously, they've never lived in a cave. We've got a roof -- remember those? -- and plenty of shade. The soldiers watching over us are sweating like pigs in their tents while their guys still in Afghanistan would probably trade their baby sisters for a weekend in my "cell."

Anyway, all us guys are loving the attention, as well as the distraction. We're just waiting for the right moment when we can get back to business. All that training wasn't for nothing. Hannibal Lecter, eat your own heart out. One chance, that's all I need, and a Marine's aortic valve will be my breakfast. I hope it's a woman. Nah, just kidding, Ma.