I am in need of some laughs post em up. Dirty or anything really, just as long as people are warned about being SFW or not.

A priest, a preacher, and a rabbi walk into a bar.  The bartender looks up and says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"

Lol I heard one like that but I don't think its COC compliant.

A J**, a b**** guy and a c****** guy walk into a bar and the bartender say "Get the f*** out."

Two Catholic priests, Father Michael and Father John, are having a mid-life crisis.  They decide that for one week, they're going to run off to Tahiti and just live life to its fullest.  They buy Bermuda shorts, flip-flops, and the most outrageous Hawaiian shirts they can find, board the airplane and fly to Tahiti. Upon arrival, they check into their hotel, and then head for the nearest topless beach.

Sitting in lounge chairs under a big beach umbrella, sipping drinks with little umbrellas, they oogle the fine female flesh cavorting on the beach and out in the waves, really getting into their "escape."

Then, undulating up the beach, comes the most incredible female form either of them has ever seen.  Tall, blonde, stacked, and absolutely bare other than a tiny string bikini bottom, like a vision out of Heaven.  As this vision passes before them, as they sit with mouths agape, she looks at them over her sunglasses and says, "Good morning, Father.  Good morning, Father," and saunters on.

The priests are stunned.  How could she possibly know?

That evening they go out and purchase (if its possible) even more outrageous Hawaiian shirts, big floppy straw hats, and huge sunglasses.  On the beach the next morning, the vision returns - wearing (if it were possible) even less of a bikini bottom, and undulating (if it were possible) even more provocatively than the day before.  Again, as she passes, she greets them.  "Good morning, Father.  And you too, Father."

"Wait!  Wait!" one says.  She stops in front of them, arms akimbo, displaying her substantial assets.  

"How can you tell we're priests?  We've never been here before!  We're not wearing anything that would give us away!  How do you know?"

The incredible beauty points up to her face and says "Look up here.  Father Michael, Father John, I'm Sister Mary Catharine!"

That is the one I was talking about, not certain how to phrase it though.

How can you tell when you have an incredible blow job?



















You have to pull the sheets out of your ass.

How do you determine whether a woman who died in a plane crash was a real or fake blond?














The answer will be obvious if you find the black box.

Joe Mommas so fat, when she walks, she makes the CD player skip.....
At the radio station.

Poodlephant

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a poodle?

A dead poodle with an 18 inch asshole.


If you had what I have

A man goes into a pub and orders 12 shots of tequila. The bartender looks on as the guy downs one after another.As he slams the 10th one, the bartender says, "I don't think you should be drinking those so fast.""You would if you had what I have," the man says, throwing back number 11."Well, what is it you have?"The man throws back his last shot and says, "Fifty cents."


Sex with my English teacher

A boy in the sixth grade comes home after school one day. His mother notices that he's got a big smile on his face. She asks, "Did anything special happen at school today?"
"Yes, Mom. I had sex with my English teacher!"
The mother is stunned. "You're going to talk about this with your father when he gets home."
Well, when dad comes home and hears the news he is pleased as punch. Beaming with pride, he walks over to his son and says, "Son, I hear you had sex with your English teacher."
"That's right, Dad."
"Well, you became a man today - this is cause for celebration. Let's head out for some ice cream, and then I'll buy that new bike you've been asking for."
"That sounds great, Dad, but I can I have a football instead? My ass is killing me."

This one is f'in' killing me, and I have no idea why.  

Horse walks into a bar.



Bartender asks, "Why the long face?"

A young intern recently joined a hospital, and an old doctor took him and show him around.  The doctor pulled open a curtain and they found a patient masturbating furiously.





The intern was quite shocked.  "What is this man doing?"





The old doctor replied: "This man has a very serious condition.  He has hyperactive testicles.  If he does not relief the pressure, his testicles will explode and kill him."





As they continued, they came to a bed where a nurse was giving a patient a blow job.





Again, the intern was shocked.  "What is going on here?"





The old doctor says "Same condition as the last one, but he has better insurance."

 

What's better than winning the Special Olympics?



A:  Not being retarded.

So there's 2 unemployed guys sitting at a bar. Both bitchin about not havin jobs, etc...

finally one says "You know what, I'm gonna be a teacher, got take some classes at the community college and be a grade school teacher."

The other guys laughs at him, "Good luck."

So the next day he heads to the college, talks to the registrar, says "I'd like to take reading, writing, 'rithmitic, etc classes to be an elementary teacher."

The lady says "Well, we have 'reading, writing, 'rithmitic, logic."  

"What do I need logic for?"

"Let me demonstrate: Do you own a weedwacker?"

"Yes"

"From that I assume you have a yard?"

"Yes..."

"From that I assume you have a house, from that a wife and kids?"

"Yes, yes, and yes..."

"So therefore I assume you are heterosexual."

"Correct."

"That's logic."

"Cool, sign me up!"

That night at the bar he walks up to his friend...

"You own a weedwacker?"

"Naw."

"FAG."

God help me, i lol'd.

LMFAO FTMFW!

President Obungo visits his dentist
He take his seat in the chair and waits.
Dentist walks in
  "How's the mouth today Mr. President?"
Obungo
  "The bitch is still in bed."

As men age, we start seeing more of the medical world, which nowadays seems to include an increasing number of women as our physicians and therapists. And in my case, a new urologist.



My family doctor recently referred me to a just out of medical school female urologist. I saw her yesterday, and she's absolutely drop-dead gorgeous as well as unbelievably sexy.



She told me that I must stop masturbating.



I asked her why.
She said, "Because I'm trying to examine you..."

Fixed

Rabbi and a priest are sitting in a bar talking old times. The priest says to the rabbi: Hey let's go screw some little kids. The rabbi says: Outa what?

oh shit im dyin here

haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

now that was good!

Do you know why women have menstraul cramps?


Because they deserve them

obama told you that one .didn't he ?

There is a similar one...


A doctor at a psych ward looks in on one of the patients and sees the patient from across the hall jacking off furiously.

The doctor walks in and yells at the guy to cut it out and go back to his room.

The guy stops jacking off and says "GET OUT AND CLOSE THE DAMN DOOR...Phil's at work so I am fucking his wife."

A rabbi and a Catholic priest, old friends, are having their traditional Wednesday coffee together when the priest asks, "Have you ever violated one of the tenets of your religion?"  

The rabbi sees that his friend is quite serious, and answers, "Yes.  I have to admit that I have once partaken of pork.  Why?  What about you?"  

The priest, obviously distraught, hems and haws for a moment and then admits "Once, when I was newly ordained, I had a brief affair with a young widow in my first Parish."

The rabbi nodded sagely for a moment, and then said,

"Beats the hell out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"

The Pope dies.

He goes to Heaven (of course), and once he arrives he's told that he can do ANYTHING he wants.

Being a pious man, he says "I've always wanted to read all the books of the Bible in the original languages"

He's given the ability to read and understand Hebrew, Greek and Aramaic, and is sent on his way.

An hour later, a blood-curdling scream is heard from the Library.

Rushing in, they find the Pope rolling on the floor, clutching his head and moaning "The word was supposed to be "celebrate"

What did the blonde say after sex? "are you guys all on the same team?"
Why did the blonde quit taking the pill? it kept falling out.
(rimshot)