I've been pondering this in my head, since the seeds of the ideas were planted there by Neal Stephenson (read Cryptonomicon, if you haven't - it rocks).  The basic categories are derived from the various types of sentient beings in Lord of the Rings.  (Don't get bogged down in specific characters, you LOTR dorks - I know Feanor is more tech-y and therefore more like a Wizard or Dwarf than Elf, but he's not like most Elves now, is he?)

Which sort of being are you?

Wizards:  The most rare.  A true combination of the best aspects of each of the other kinds of beings, these people change the course of fate.  They are geniuses, and their contributions make the world a better place.  Think Edison, Isaac Newton, Leonardo DaVinci, Copernicus, Gallileo, Einstein.  They have almost divine insight into the workings of the universe, and their ideas change everything.  

Elves:  Almost like wizards, but I'd consider them to be more artsy-fartsy, and less technological.  Guys like Shakespeare, Mozart, Picasso, Martin Luther.  Elves are philosophers, poets, musicians, writers, etc.  Their ideas also change the world, but less so through practical applications than philosophic ideas.  

Dwarves:  The technological and industrial guys.  Computer programmers, engineers, architects, most construction workers.  Blacksmiths, back in the day.  These guys write code, build bridges, design skyscrapers.  John Moses Browning.  The guys who built the Hoover dam.  Bill Gates, Steve Jobs.  Henry Ford.  They spend a lot of time by themselves, building better mousetraps.  They're creative, but in a practical application kind of way.  They tend to apply for patents and know how to run heavy machinery, too.

Men:  most of us.  We can have dwarvish or elvish leanings, but we're basically regular guys.  We're not sheltered, per se, we have an idea of what goes on in the world, but we're basically good.  We know why we need to be armed, we're good fighters, but we prefer to be regular joes.  Oftentimes soldiers, cubicle dwellers, or Sunday softball team coaches.   Here's the problem with Men - sometimes they become Orcs or Hobbits.

Hobbits:  your average liberal.  Sheltered, self-important, fatuous.  They think they know everything, but really they don't know squat.  They tend to be busybodies.  You'll find them often in academics, bureacracies, government jobs, and working for organizations that don't pay much but have lofty ideals - these organizations also don't really make much of a difference in the world.  Hobbits will eventually stand up for what's right, but not until the orcs actually invade the Shire.  They tend to think of anyone who actually owns a weapon - except hunting rifles and shotguns! - as paranoid ("What do you need THAT for?")  and always know the solution to any problem, in spite of the fact that they know almost nothing.  Lots of women are, unfortunately, hobbits.  Most high school teachers, workers at the DMV, and hippies are hobbits.  There really aren't any famous hobbits, because by their very nature they don't do much.  They're not bad, they're just not much for contributing.  Their safety is in the hands of others, like Men or Dwarves.  

Orcs:  you know 'em.  Sex offenders, gangsters, jihadists, Nazis, most of the Imperial Japanese and Red Armies, the Visigoths.  Anyone who'd rape, loot, rob an old lady, commit a home invasion, or peddle drugs to kids.  These guys attack joggers, massacre civilians in wartime, fly airplanes into office buildings.  They are destroyers, leeches, parasites.  They're not very bright, their life expectancy is quite short, but they sure can cause a lot of damage while they're around.  Luckily for us, they tend to kill each other as often as they attack others.  For an example, imagine the average inner city gangster armed with a Lorcin and a really cheap AK clone.  They're everywhere.

Balrogs:  These guys are like orcs, but worse and smarter.  Sort of like the evil version of a wizard, Balrogs have great leadership skills and influence history, but in a negative way.  Think Hitler, Bin Laden, Stalin.  They have a great talent for invasion, organization, and destruction.  They often turn Men into Orcs (I know this doesn't jibe with LOTR mythology - chill, dorks).  They're exceedingly hard to kill, and they really mess up normal life for Elves, Dwarves, Men, and Hobbits.  

Personally, I am a Man, with slight Elvish and Hobbitish leanings.  I am an English Teacher, but I also own guns and have training with them.  I have little or no technical skills, but I love books, music, and art (Elvish stuff).  That being said, most of my activities are very hobbit-ish.  Drinking beer, cooking on the grill, playing with my kids, enjoying life.  However, unlike actual Hobbits, I understand that there are rough men guarding me, and there is a difference between them and Orcs.  

So, what are you?

Oh crap, I'm getting bogged down.

I'm a Tolkien dork.. and there's a lot of stuff in there that makes me very nervous.

I'm an "I don't give a fuck"......

Which I think directly translates into "Terminator".

Figure out how that works in your nerdy little label system....

Kill yourself. Its the only way out.

Calm down, Mentl.  Look at my screen name - this isn't about Tolkien, it's about people.

Then why bother replying?

I guess I'll have to add another category - post whore.

Dwarve here.



Lol, pretty slick.

Hello pot, meet kettle.

I guess I forgot the lofty moral heights associated with threads such as these.

Rather than Balrogs, I think it would have been cleaner to just call them evil wizards: Saruman vs Gandalf.

Otherwise it all hangs together pretty well.

 

Get the hell out of my mine! (waves hammer angrily)

ETA: wait, this might explain why I like stout beer and thick women...

-Mark

I put on my robe and wizard hat......

Dwarf.  I'm a mining engineer.

Sauron?

Smeagol/Gollum.

It means I can stick a magnet to your head and you'll start babbling gibberish and constantly degaussing your eyes.

No, that would only be the case if I were a Bending unit, and even then all it would do is make me start singing folk music.

Either way, we're going to have a hard time believing you didn't spend your teenage years dressed up in green tights with a PVC pip "sword" in one hand and throwing wads of tinfoil with the other while screaming "magic missile" at the top of your lungs.

Plus, since your screen name is right out of Tolkien (and an elvish name, at that... thanks google), we're going to think that no matter what you post.
Naming yourself after an elf from tolkien and then coming here posting about wizards and elves.  How you you think we're going to respond?

Hail Beleg Cúthalion well met! Based on your classifications, I'd say I am a man with dwarvish leanings. I disagree with Hitler, Stalin, etc being Balrogs. I would reserve that class for the powerful lackeys. People like Heinrich Himmler, khalid sheikh mohammed , and so on. People like Hitler would be right at home as Morgoth. Although Morgoth isn't a class per se.

Im a rino! and I stomp my feet at you!

I'm a Lawful Evil Level 122 Dwarf.

Dwarf; Computer programmer

I'm a ranger from the north.  best of both elves and man

You might be on to something there.

Grumpy, you're obviously a dwarf.  C'mon, look at your name.

And you bet there's lofty moral heights - this is Tolkien.

The Lord of the Rings was written several decades before Star Wars.

NERDS!!!

I am level 64 Wizard.

Yeah, except Morgoth is an individual, not a class.  Also, he's supposed to be the Devil.  Balrogs do the Devil's work.

Dude, it says Lord of the Rings in the title!  Did you expect a discussion of women and football in this thread?!

Doesnt make it less gay...

I would have loved to have done that, but I was not cool enough  the nerds beat up on me everyday anyway

WTF? Blacksmiths, construction workers, John Moses Browning. . . . . .computer programmers?

It's a book. There was some talk about making it into a movie but it never went anywhere.

3 movies of nothing but people walking......

They all make stuff using technology and tools - think about it.  Your status is a mental state, not a physical one.  It's not like all the dwarves are short hairy dudes with a penchant for axes and dark underground homes.

I'm only tagging this to see where this discussion turns into the epic star trek thread it longs to be.

 
 

I'm upset.  No one is taking my totally useless classification theory seriously.  I'm going to put on my robe and wizard hat, and then go cry for awhile.

This should totally replace that stupid "sheep/wolves/sheepdog" classification, which is totally simplistic and goobery.

So you post a list on the internet based on LOTR and you expect nerds to NOT get bogged down in technical details. Seriously, how long have you been a geek? Given that this is ARFCOM GD, I'm going to assume you killed a nerd and stole this unless you post a picture of yourself at your computer with this thread displayed, wearing your Doctor Who outfit.

I've seen a wizard sleeve once.

This.

Hilarious!!

Im a Imperial Stormtrooper, I cant hit shit

"

Except for the invention of the lightbulb (which really, anybody with enough time on their hands and enough materials could figure out, and he didn't really invent the idea of a resistor heating up to give off light, he just made it less expensive and longer-lasting), most of what we attribute to Edison was invented by Tesla - and many things commonly attributed to others as well, such as the radio.