An old, bearded shepherd, with a crooked staff, walks up to a stone
pulpit and says . . .

And lo it came to pass that the trader by the name of Abraham Com did
take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely
woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called Amazon
Dot Com. And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou travel far,
from town to town, with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving
thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short
of a camel load, but simply said, "How, Dear?"

And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in
between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply
telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums
and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)".

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the
drums.

And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all
the goods he had, at the top price, without ever moving from his tent. But
his success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secrete himself inside
Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young man did take
to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They
were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for
short.

And lo the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the
deafening sound of drums, that no one noticed that the real riches were going
to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum
company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would only
work if you bought Brother Gates' drumsticks.

And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over
by others". And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came
to be known, "eBay", he said, "We need a name of a service that reflects what
we are". and Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators".

"Whoopee!", said Abraham. "No, YAHOO!", said Dot Com.

Those crazy Americans!

Americans!!

US Naval Communications
This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval
ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in
October,1995.

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid
a collision.

Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South
to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert
YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND
LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED
BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I
DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE
DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE
SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: We are a lighthouse. Your call.

OH!! no body likes my jokes huh!! BTT

Suffer them again!!

How many animals can you find in a woman's pair of panty hose?




10 little piggies,
2 calves,
1 beaver,
an ass,
and a fish you can never find.

BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! [:D] That one had me in tears. Nice... very nice....

A good ol' country boy goes in to the pharmacy and says, "I would like one of them there condoms with the pesticide on it."

Flustered,the pharmasist replies, "Oh, you must mean spermicide."

"No, I want a condom with pesticide," answers the boy.

"Sir, pesticide is used to kill insects, I think you mean spermicide, which is used to keep your wife from getting pregnant," says the pharmasist. "No, I want pesticide. My wife has had a bug up her ass for weeks now and I aim to kill it."

A guy walks into a bar, and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar. "But what the heck," he says, "I really want a drink." When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the customer, "What's the name of your penis?"

The guy says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink." The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry, but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis. Mine, for example, is called Nike, for the slogan 'Just do it.' That guy at the end of the bar calls his Snickers, because 'It really satisfies!"

The customer looked dumbfounded, so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. So the customer ask the man sitting to his left, who is sipping on a beer. "Hey bud, what's the name of your penis?" The man looks back and says with a smile, "Timex." The thirsty customer asks, "Why Timex?"

"Because it takes a lickin and keeps on ticking." A little shaken, the customer turns to the fella on his right, who is sipping a margarita and says, "So, what do you call your penis?" The man turns to him and proudly says, FORD, because 'Quality is job one." Then he adds, "have you driven a Ford lately?"

Even more shaken, the customer has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his penis. Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my penis is 'Secret'. Now give me a beer." The bartender begins to pour a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, "Why Secret?" The customer says "Because, IT'S STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!"

[stick]

Bad Joke! BAD Joke!

ROTFLMAO!!!!

Thats our balming!!

hehehehehe

mike

A few days before Christmas, a man enters a pet store looking for a unique gift for his wife. The store manager tells him he has just what he's looking for! A beautiful parrot named Chet that sings Christmas carols.

He brings the husband over to a colorful but quiet bird. The man agrees that Chet certainly is pretty, but he doesn't seem to be much for singing. The manager tells him to watch as he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a lighter.

The manager then clicks the lighter and holds it under Chet's left foot. Immediately Chet starts singing; "Silent Night, Holy Night." The husband is very impressed with Chet's singing abilities and watches as the manager moves the lighter underneath Chet's right foot. Chet now starts to sing "Jingle Bells, Jingle All the Way." The husband says Chet is perfect and that he'll take him.

The husband rushes home to his wife and insists upon giving her this wonderful gift immediately. He presents Chet and starts to explain the parrot's special talent. Demonstrating, he holds a lighter under Chet's left foot and the bird sings "Silent Night." He then moves the lighter under the right foot and Chet lets loose a round of "Jingle Bells." The wife is absolutely impressed, and with a mischievous grin asks her husband what happens if he holds the lighter between Chet's legs instead.

Curious the husband moves the lighter between the bird's legs, and the bird begins to sing-

Chet's Nuts Roasting on an Open Fire!

Sorry, I can't help you. You might try Frederick's of Hollywood or a ladies "plus" size.

As the postman made his rounds on Christmas eve, he was greeted at the door of one of stops by a beautiful blonde in a see through negligee. She told him to come in and get his Christmas present. She led him to the bedroom where they had sex. When they finished, she handed him a dollar bill and a coffee mug. He looked at her with a puzzled look and she said to him "Last night I asked my husband what we should give the postman for Christmas and he said 'Screw the postman. Give him a dollar.' The coffee mug was my idea."

Not a bad joke, just a funny clip from Jeff Cooper's website: Every time we leave the ranch for any period of time, we come back to face a stack of unopened mail, which we would choose to refer to our "Executive Secretary," if we had one. On this last occasion, daughter Lindy went quickly through the list and said those people could use a form letter stating, in only slightly different wordings, "We love you and we want your money." I guess we will now make up a form answer which states approximately "We love you, too, and we don't have any money."

Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther,"Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different.

The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earline got pregnant. Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earline got pregnant again. Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earline didn't get pregnant again."

Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?" Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earline with me."

An old man was sitting on his porch early one morning when the neighbor's kid came by pulling a wagon. The old man asked, "What ya got there boy?"

The kid answered, "chicken wire, gonna go catch some chickens."

The old man just laughed and shook his head. The old man was shocked to see the boy return with a dozen chickens. The next morning the boy came pulling his wagon along. The old man again hollered, "What ya got there boy?"

The boy answered, "Duct tape, goin' to get some ducks."

The old man shook his head and laughed aloud. Couple hours later the boy came back with ten ducks. The old man couldn't believe his eyes. The next morning the boy came pulling his wagon full of sapling trees by the old man's house. The old man hollered, "What ya got there boy?"

The boy answered "Got some pussy willows." The old man jumped up and said, "Let me get my hat son, I'll go with ya."

An Indian walks into a bar with a shotgun in one hand and a bucket of Buffalo manure in the other. He says to the bartender "Me want beer."

The bartender says: "Sure chief, coming right up." He gets the Indian a tall draft beer and the Indian drinks it down in one gulp, and picks up the bucket, throws the manure into the air and blasts it with a shotgun, then walks out.

Four days later the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand and another bucket of manure in the other. He walks up to the bar and says to the bartender: "Me want beer." The bartender says: "Whoa, Tonto, we're still cleaning up from the last time you were in here. What was that all about, anyway?"

The Indian says, "Me in training for job as Goverment employee: drink beer, shoot the shit, and disappear for a few days."