Or whatever intoxicated unbelievable things you have done.

One time I smoked a Marlboro from the wrong end.  Made it most of the way through the filter.

Smoked a bowl of cheerios once.

One spin of russian roulette for $520.

One time i got drunk and found a crazy website and been here ever since

One time I got drunk and went to bed.


Ok yeah Im boring.

Quoted: One spin of russian roulette for $520.

Puked in my bed, got 2 hours sleep before class, went to class drunk, came back to pukey bed and was so tired and drunk just went back to bed next to the puke.

I can make mine look like a brain. oh... drunk tricks not dick tricks. My bad.

Quoted: One spin of russian roulette for $520.

Quoted: Quoted: One spin of russian roulette for $520.

In Soviet Russia, the Roulette Spins You!

Let's just say, red beans and rice, Hurricanes and passing out in the bathroom, may lead to something that looks like a "Murder Scene".


Now my cousin, while drunk, went #2 out of our second story window.  The only problem was, the windowsill was a little wider than he thought, and it didn't quite make it out.  He then used a Don Henley cassette tape to help it out the window.  To make things funnier, when my Mom went out back the next morning to check on our dogs, she saw it and said, " Damn we must be feeding those dogs too much food!  Look at that pile of sh**"   All we could do was laugh.  We were only 13 and 14 at the time.

Quoted: One spin of russian roulette for $520.

And sometimes stupid doesn't hurt.  

You must have been either very desperate for that money, very drunk, or suicidal.  

So that this isn't just a bash Mountain_Snipe post (honestly not intended that way.... although that was pretty dumb), my worst was dropping drawers, and streaking through a fairly crowded supermarket.  Not the parking lot, and not down one of the side aisles.  Straight down the middle of the store, past the cashiers, and all the shoppers.  

Yeah, I was pretty drunk.  

You kids are all pikers.

I was there when the phrase "Hold my beer" was invented. I won't go into details (statute of limitations hasn't expired yet, and may never do so) but the results caused a hell of a lot of pain for 2 guys*... and several weeks of nervousness and downright cop-inspired paranoia for the rest of us.

ETA

*as well as a severely f*cked-up Chevy and a dead goat. We thought it was a goat. Turned out to be an alpaca. Value was about 100x that of a goat. (The Chevy lived to race another day.)

I'm not sure about the statute of limitation covering it, so I ain't sayin'.  

Here's another story: I was at a friend's (John's) party. Plenty of beer, but hard stuff started to run dry. (Largely because of John's imbibing.) John invites me to go on a liquor store run. In his newly-restored Mustang. I didn't feel too good about it, but wth... I was young.

Now, John is Irish. This figures into the story later.

So we roll. First (and only) liquor store in town is closed, and midnight is fast approaching. So we go roaring down a 4-lane road at an excessive speed. John of course is at the wheel. We get to the liquor store with seven minutes to go; remember, we had to cross an intersection and make a right turn to get into the parking lot. Off of a 4-lane road

Man, what a lot of shopping you can do in seven minutes!

John is back behind the wheel now. He successfully makes it onto the 4-lane, and accelerates to an unsafe speed. It was then (at about 80 on a 45-mph road) that I see something funny: there is a concrete median on my side of the car... with 2 lanes on the other side of the median.

We were on the wrong side of the road. Travelling at an unsafe speed. Late at night.

John is Irish, remember? Rule #1: Don't argue with an Irishman.
Rule #2. NEVER argue with a DRUNK Irishman. You both get pissed off, and the Irishman likes it.

I scream, "JOHN! WE'RE ON THE WRONG SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!"
John:" No we're not."
Me: "YES WE ARE!!"
John:" No, we're not."
Me: "YES WE ARE!! LOOK OVER THERE! THERE'S THE CENTER MEDIAN! IT IS SUPPOSED TO BE ON YOUR SIDE OF THE CAR!!"

John finally squints at the median, says, "Oh yeah!" Puts the steering wheel hard over to the right.

A series of hard impacts from under the car follow, and a brilliant sheet of sparks erupts from the bottom of the Mustang. I figure he must've lightened the frame by seven pounds.

We (and  his Mustang) leapt the center median. John, laughing like a maniac, floors it. We double our already-unsafe speed.

Me: "JOHN! THERE'S AN INTERSECTION AHEAD!! AND THE LIGHT IS YELLOW!!"
John: "We can make it." Increases accelerator pressure.
Me: "NO WE CAN'T!"
John: "Yes we can. We can make it. I think we can make it. AW FUCK, WE CAN'T MAKE IT!" Negotiates his right foot from accelerator to brake. Puts excessive pressure on brake. Rear end is fishtailing as we proceed down the road at an unsafe speed. Mustang comes to a stop, just inside the crosswalk...

...and across from us is a local Police Car. From our town. So they know all the fuckups in town. And they most certainly know John.

John:" Look normal!!! Look normal!! Don't look drunk!"
Me: (trying to look normal).

Light bar lights up on police car.

Me: "Oh hell, we are {insert appropriate dirty word here, indicating copulation}."
John: "Oh hell, we are {insert appropriate dirty word here, indicating copulation}."
Police car loudspeaker: "PLEASE TURN ON YOUR HEADLIGHTS!"

John (in inebriated nasally voice):" Oh yeah." Fumbles with light switch, turns on headlights.

Police car crosses street into a business neighborhood.

We had been on the wrong side of the road. Travelling at an unsafe speed. Late at night. With no headlights. And the police car ignores us.

Me: "John! JOHN! YOU MUST PRAY TO THE DEVIL, 'CAUSE GOD DOESN'T HELP SINNERS LIKE YOU!"

Don't feel like getting assraped from you clowns, so no thanks........

For a going away/graduation party, my friends and I thought it would be cool to throw a little party on a small island in the sound. Buddy had a boat, we had plenty of booze, including a half gallon of Everclear. We spent most of the day drinking, except for my buddy with the boat. He was busy shuttling people back and forth to shore.

Well we forgot one thing, the tide. We lost our island after about 6 hours of heavy drinking. At this point I managed to kill about half a bottle of Everclear too. So we (my buddy with the boat, me, and a couple stragglers) pack our shit up and head out. Half way back to shore (about 1/4 mile) we run out of gas. We also have no paddle. No problem for me. I kick off my shoes and jump in the waist deep water, grab the anchor rope so I can pull the boat the last little bit bare foot.

Anyone that has been in the coastal waters of NC knows there are plenty of Oyster beds. Well it turns out I walked 1/4 mile across one, bare foot. My feet were cut almost down to the bone in numerous spots. Imagine if you strapped someone's feet down and went slash happy with a straight razor. That was what my feet looked like.

Well during my pulling of the boat, my buddies somehow managed to loose my shoes. So once we got the boat to shore, we had to walk on a gravel road, about another 1/4 mile, to my buddy's house. I left bloody foot prints the whole way. Once we get back to the house, I manage to get someone to give me a ride back home.

(now time for the really dumb part)

When I got home, my mom saw my feet and decided I needed something for the pain (she had no idea how much I had to drink). So she gave me two vicidin. I lay in bed for about 20 minutes or so, and my step-dad shows up. He realizes how much it hurts, so he does the same thing my mom did. Give me a couple more vicidin.

Needless to say I passed out for about 30 hours.  I couldn't walk for a week, afterward. Easily the dumbest thing I have ever done. How I lived through it I have no idea. My buddies bathroom (where I attempted to hose off my feet) looked like someone had been murdered in it. Ditto for my own bathroom and the sheets on my bed.

Quoted: snip

Holy shit!  THAT was funny.

Pissed out a third story window of The National hotel in Block Island, Rhode Island.

Puked into a sock.

Pulled another "murder scene" involving beer and strawberry daquiris. Thank God i fell asleep on my stomach that night instead of my back, or Id've died. Woke up to pink goo on both sides of me, on the floor, in the hallway, and in the bathroom. I woke up to my roommate saying, "dude, you got some cleaning up to do".

Made a pass at an obviously pregnant woman after a bottle of Malibu when I was 18.

I could go on and on.

Quoted: I'm not sure about the statute of limitation covering it, so I ain't sayin'.

Definitely, this.

Thought I would get blitzed and hit on the hot girl in the dorm building. I was able to woo my way into her room, just long enough to pass out on her roommate's bed

Drank a bottle of $4 vodka (you read that right, $4) and a ton of gatorade. When I puked it all up while lying on the bathroom floor my roommate thought I was dying and almost called 911.

Went to a party and drank way too much whiskey, apparently I am a very violent drunk when I drink that shit, because I broke about 10 different things that night with my bare hands

Quoted: Thought I would get blitzed and hit on the hot girl in the dorm building. I was able to woo my way into her room, just long enough to pass out on her roommate's bed

So, did you get the pie later????

Quoted: Quoted: Thought I would get blitzed and hit on the hot girl in the dorm building. I was able to woo my way into her room, just long enough to pass out on her roommate's bed So, did you get the pie later????

Hey, sympathy pie is still pie. Did you get any?

I went back to my hometown for a family gettogether.While home I ran across my ex and her new LOVE at the local watering hole. I got them drinks from the bar. I wasn`t sure if the drinks were stirred properly so i used my D@@K to be sure. The next time i talk to her i need to mention it to her.

Quoted: For a going away/graduation party, my friends and I thought it would be cool to throw a little party on a small island in the sound. Buddy had a boat, we had plenty of booze, including a half gallon of Everclear. We spent most of the day drinking, except for my buddy with the boat. He was busy shuttling people back and forth to shore. Well we forgot one thing, the tide. We lost our island after about 6 hours of heavy drinking. At this point I managed to kill about half a bottle of Everclear too. So we (my buddy with the boat, me, and a couple stragglers) pack our shit up and head out. Half way back to shore (about 1/4 mile) we run out of gas. We also have no paddle. No problem for me. I kick off my shoes and jump in the waist deep water, grab the anchor rope so I can pull the boat the last little bit bare foot. Anyone that has been in the coastal waters of NC knows there are plenty of Oyster beds. Well it turns out I walked 1/4 mile across one, bare foot. My feet were cut almost down to the bone in numerous spots. Imagine if you strapped someone's feet down and went slash happy with a straight razor. That was what my feet looked like. Well during my pulling of the boat, my buddies somehow managed to loose my shoes. So once we got the boat to shore, we had to walk on a gravel road, about another 1/4 mile, to my buddy's house. I left bloody foot prints the whole way. Once we get back to the house, I manage to get someone to give me a ride back home. (now time for the really dumb part) When I got home, my mom saw my feet and decided I needed something for the pain (she had no idea how much I had to drink). So she gave me two vicidin. I lay in bed for about 20 minutes or so, and my step-dad shows up. He realizes how much it hurts, so he does the same thing my mom did. Give me a couple more vicidin. Needless to say I passed out for about 30 hours.  I couldn't walk for a week, afterward. Easily the dumbest thing I have ever done. How I lived through it I have no idea. My buddies bathroom (where I attempted to hose off my feet) looked like someone had been murdered in it. Ditto for my own bathroom and the sheets on my bed.

That hurt reading it!

plausible deniability. nuff said.

Way back in my junior enlisted days whilst living in a dorm...

I was playing poker in the third floor day room with several of the local inhabitants.  Much beer had been consumed, and my bladder was most certainly paying the price.

Now this bunch of guys believed that anything goes while playing poker.  That is, cheating and stealing is expected if you leave yourself open to it.  For that reason, you take your money with you when you go to the bathroom, and you don't leave the table while there is a pot in play.

Well, there was a pot in play, and my bladder wasn't going to take no for an answer; so I edged my way out onto the fire escape while keeping my eyes on the pot.  It was well into the wee hours of the morning so I hung it over the rail and let it fly.

What I didn't know at the time was that there was a guy and gal making out under said fire escape at the time.  I heard a "what the fuck" followed by a high pitched scream and a young female Airman doing a damned fine sailor imitation.

I had to cut off mid stream because the guy was making impressive time climbing the fire escape, and got the door closed just as he got to it.  It was locked from the outside, so he had to go back down and then up the regular stairs.

In the meantime I told the guys I was playing poker with what had happened, and we were all laughing pretty good when one pissed off dude and his girlfriend burst into the day room.  I had gotten them pretty good, her especially.

I fessed up as the culprit and apologized, then politely asked him to wait until I stopped laughing before he tried to kick my ass.

Now as I said before, I had wet his date down pretty good.  Her bangs were wet and her blouse was wet from the neck to her left boob.  Every time I looked at her I started laughing again, as did all of my poker buddies.  Before long both the guy and gal started laughing too.

It's a good thing I didn't have to fight him, because my bladder was still full and there was still a pot in play.  

I once groped a good female friend and host of this particular party.

5. Cut my finger on beer can.  It bled enough to cover almost an entire PS2 controller
4. Plead the fifth
3. Fell walking through a golf-course in the middle of the night and bruised a rib
2. Tripped over something and smashed my knee.  The next few days it looked like someone replaced my kneecap with a baseball and I couldn't walk without help for a week
1. Broke an empty half-gallon Jack Daniels bottle over my head

Quoted: One spin of russian roulette for $520.

how bout some more.

Back in the day,when 3rd Infantry was still in Germany. I won't mention any details other than the Governor's mantion,the Polizei,and MP's were involved!

ooo0One time I got drunk and woke up 3yrs later with lipstick on, 4 kids, a transfestite male wife that spoke a diffrent language in a hut on a island and my pension is gone and now being threatened(UAW) by a PBGC bail out. --Where'd the kids come from??  j/k...I cant tell ya my crap!

The server for this Site does not have enough space for my screw-ups...

First real night at the McCree Barracks.  Went to the enlisted club with some of the soldiers in the unit as it was New Year's Eve.  Got smashed drunk.  Did NOT remember how I got back to my room or how I recognized it.  My pants were laid over a chair, COVERED in mud.  Did I say I did NOT remember HOW I got back?  Well, it is a 3 mile walk, we had taken a cab to the club.  And the evidence was I had walked.

It was a scary thing meeting Top for the first time...as I thought I had been picked up by the MPs for public intoxication.  Imagine your first introduction to Top was at the MP station where he was bailing your ass out on a PI charge.

But somehow, in blackout drive, I had made it back to my room.  And Top NEVER knew.  1Sgt. Tunney was a hard-charging, western PA coal miner's son.  Great guy, Vietnam Vet.

I was passed out over at a buddy's house and I woke up not feeling so hot.  So I went and puked in his commode.  Or so I thought.

He had one of those older couches that has kind of a decorative flap hanging down on the bottom of it, I was holding up the flap (thinking it was the toilet seat) and spraying his carpet underneath with liquid pizza/beer/substance.  He was not amused.

I coulda swore I was in the john...  

That was the same night I peed in the drive-thru teller I'm pretty sure.  I was a real assclown when I was a kid.  

I'm trying to think of some.  The ones I can remember are very tame compared to most of yours.

During college, some buddies and I were in the common room of our dorm one Friday night, getting roaring drunk.  After drinking for a few hours, I looked at the soda vending machine, and said "I hate Coke".  I stood up, took a poker from the fireplace(these were very old dorms with working fireplaces) and proceeded to start attacking the Coke machine.  My friends were drunk enough and stupid enough to join me.  We tore that damn machine apart.

Another time during college 2 friends and I went to a bar one night, even though we had class the next morning.  We knew the bartender, and we stayed in the bar with him after closing until he cleaned up, and him giving us beer the whole time.  He drove us back to school from the bar at 7 a.m., and we all went to our 8:00 class(small 12 person discussion group).  That morning, 1/4 of the class was stinking drunk.

My cousin got married out in AZ. I got drunk and puked out the back window of the rental car one of the groomsman rented. Next morning when I was catching my flight he was scraping my dried puke off the car.

Punched my RA with brass knuckles. He said some things about my girlfriend that I took issue with. We made amends the next day.

CRASHed a jocks party blitzed out of our minds once (18-19 IIRC) and the three of us were getting the weird looks from everyone.......we were quite unwanted, but hell ,we didnt care.

We had been there an hour or so and the kid who lived there said his parents were due home in a couple hours so we all had to leave. He was being especially mouthy to my buddies and I.

I snuck into the bathroom to piss before we took off and the medicine cabinet was right above the toilet. I opened it up and saw about two dozen bottles of perscription meds.

One by one I unscrewed each cap and topped em off. Put em back nice and neat too.

I would have paid good $$ to be a fly on the wall that next morning

Quoted: Quoted: Thought I would get blitzed and hit on the hot girl in the dorm building. I was able to woo my way into her room, just long enough to pass out on her roommate's bed So, did you get the pie later????

Negative

I've done the thing where you light the wrong end of a cigarette.

I've also crawled on my belly about a quarter mile through a wheat field after watching some Vietnam movie.

I also like to climb stuff when I'm drunk.

.

My buddy and I just got out of a club downtown, drunk as all hell. He decided it would be a good idea to get a high five from everyone he passed. Except the exchange went like this..

Him: HIGH FIVE!
THEM: (gives high five)
Him: FOR SYPHILIS!
Them: (furiously rubs hand against shirt, almost had to fight some kids)

Quoted: I also like to climb stuff when I'm drunk.

Me too!!!!!!!

I tried to climb the awning out in front of my dorm one night, fell down and rolled my ankle to the point I couldnt walk for a couple days.

Quoted: That hurt reading it!

I still have the scars to remind me of stupidity. Never will I get into a bottle of Everclear again. Superman syndrome can be very painful after the liquid courage wears off.

Another one involved me and two buddies on a trampoline. We were rough housing. Needless to say, I went to tackle one guy while he was mid-air doing a drop kick. Broke 3 ribs right there. While I was laying on my back trying to catch my breath, the guy who drop kicked me got back up and tackled the other dude. Well, he fell with his elbow landing on my rib cage, opposite the ones that were already broken, Ended up with fractured/broken ribs there too.

Rolled off the trampoline, puked, and spend about 30 minutes trying to fight down the pain so I could get up and beat the hell out of those two.

That hurt for months and months afterward. Especially coughing. Can still feel a couple ribs that never healed right.

ETA:

I have done too much stupid stuff being drunk and fucking off. I think I spent about 4-5 years where I constantly had at least one fresh broken bone.

Quoted: Me: "Oh hell, we are {insert appropriate dirty word here, indicating copulation}." John: "Oh hell, we are {insert appropriate dirty word here, indicating copulation}." Police car loudspeaker: "PLEASE TURN ON YOUR HEADLIGHTS!" John (in inebriated nasally voice):" Oh yeah." Fumbles with light switch, turns on headlights. Police car crosses street into a business neighborhood. We had been on the wrong side of the road. Travelling at an unsafe speed. Late at night. With no headlights. And the police car ignores us. Me: "John! JOHN! YOU MUST PRAY TO THE DEVIL, 'CAUSE GOD DOESN'T HELP SINNERS LIKE YOU!"

I'm laughing so hard I'm seeing strange flashes of light and odd shapes in my vision...
*thud*
I've had an OH SHI- moment or two, but none I'm going to go into detail on. But I'll never forget the day I made that Ford Ranger fly!

I don't have any drunk tales of myself...
but I did have to pull a passed-out-cold buddy out of his puke filled burning bed once.
And then had to get the mattress out of the house, while burning.

Quoted: I don't have any drunk tales of myself... but I did have to pull a passed-out-cold buddy out of his puke filled burning bed once. And then had to get the mattress out of the house, while burning.

Please DON'T explain any further.  I'm afraid the explanation will ruin the comedy.

Quoted: Quoted: I don't have any drunk tales of myself... but I did have to pull a passed-out-cold buddy out of his puke filled burning bed once. And then had to get the mattress out of the house, while burning. Please DON'T explain any further.  I'm afraid the explanation will ruin the comedy.

We were partying at his house, he drank an assload of Black Velvet, went in his room,
puked all over himself, then passed out with a lit cigarette.

We didn't even know he was gone, till we wondered wtf with all that smoke...
well... the house wasn't on fire, but close.

He was passed the fuck out.


Sorry it isn't as exciting as whatever you had in mind
Its probably my most memorable experience.

Aside from the guy who pissed in the closet.
And the guy who pissed down the stairs off the 2nd floor hallway landing.
And the guy who ALWAYS pissed himself.

Drunks are funny fuckers.