backstory:  been married 5 years and things were pretty good.  we each were working, made good money between the two of us, had plenty of hobbies, and got along great for the most part.  got pregnant (not planned) and our baby was born last january.

she wants to be a stay at home mom.  that is fine.  i do well enough to support us, with a little belt tightening here and there.  here is what is bugging me...as soon as i get home from work, i get a crying baby (she gets cranky towards the end of the day) shoved into my arms along with something to the effect "i can't take this anymore."  i am evidently supposed to play with her non-stop until it is time to put her to bed.  if i don't, i get either the silent treatment or "why don't you like your baby/want to spend time with her?"  

in my opinion, she reads too many books about child care and watches too much dr. phil/opera.  for whatever reason, i'm expected to do everything exactly as described in those damn books.  last night she came completely unhinged because i gave our little girl a few small bites of frozen strawberry yogurt.  our daughter loved it...mom (who seems to subsist on bagels and ritz crackers lately) went on a tirade about empty calories and stomped off to the bedroom. jesus.

i feel i can't do a whole lot of anything right regarding care and maintainence of our kid, and yet i get in trouble for not trying too.  for the record, the only thing that i could/should help out more on is getting up at night time.  i am for letting her cry it out when she wakes up (she can/should be sleeping through the night @ 6 months) but that isn't right either.  i do try to take her more on the weekends.

gawd what a mess.  does it get any better as the kid gets a little more independent?

-matt

I have an almost 7 month old. We have had a few "issues" like you describe. It has definately changed since my daughter was born.

My sons mom went fucking nuts...... Thats why we are not together

I'm not sure about your relationship with your wife or if it's going to get worse before it gets better.

I just know that you should be talking to your spouse about it rather than asking a bunch of anonymous losers on the internet.

Get her to see her doc for tests....... she may have a hormonal imbalance that can lead to post partem depression.

As soon as my wife and I had our baby, she demanded a divorce.  I did everything in my power to get her to see her doctor but she won.

Postpartum.

Cabin fever?

Yeah my wife tried to pull that shit.

She needs to get over the fact that the baby and her are still one person for at least the next year. She needs to eat sleep and do everything in between with the baby. That's how it is.

When my wife needed a break...which is often I would put the babies in my Thai sling and wear it while I went about my normal business.

The baby would fall asleep in about 2 minutes in the sling which cost about $40.

I used it with all three babies until they were about a year old.

Sling equals hands free.

I'm 32 and have 3 children aged 2,3,7

Quoted: Cabin fever?

Think that is a big part of it as my situation is concerned. Whenever we can get her parents to watch our daughter I get my wife out on the motorcycle for a while in the evening/night and she simmers for a while.

The question of going to see a Dr. came up with the last blowup. I told her she needed to do something becasue this isn't going to work.

Quoted: Cabin fever?

ding ding.

Quoted: Postpartum.

its not like she's sitting around crying though.  she just seems pissed in general at whatever i do...whether i play with our kid, whether i don't, whether i cut the grass or i don't or whatever else you can think of.

i've seriously begun to wonder if she wants us to separate.  

Mom syndrome.  It gets better as the kid gets a little older, and then when they hit toddler age, it gets worse.  1/2 the time I don't even want to go home after work anymore because I don't know what I'm in for until I get through the door.  Usually my wife is pissed off at something, and takes it out on me.  Also, even though I've been at work all day, I'm not allowed to relax (well, I can, but only if I want her even more mad) when I get home.  I'm expected to be either playing with my daughter (which is fine, she's fun to play with), or cleaning from the time I get home to when we go to bed.  It's sad, but as much as I hate my job, 1/2 the time I'd rather be here than home.  I hope it gets better.

Is she still nursing?  If so, her hormones are still way out of whack.  I nursed mine for the first year, and it took about three months until I felt normal again after I stopped.  Oh, and I'd forgotten what "normal" even felt like until it came back!

Also, if your baby is extremely fussy or demanding, your wife is probably going crazy being stuck at home all day, especially if she's used to a full-time job and relating to other adult people.

She may simply be tired and stressed, and I wouldn't rule out PPD either.

My ex didn't exactly go psycho, but it did bring the inner psycho in her out.

Quoted: gawd what a mess.  does it get any better as the kid gets a little more independent? -matt

No, it doesn't.  All of my children are over thirty.  Two of the three have moved back home "for a little while". You sign up for life.

Mom's chemistry is probably still shaken a bit.  Address that and issues over yogurt and bagels will disappear and allow you both to regain some balance.

Quoted: Mom syndrome.  It gets better as the kid gets a little older, and then when they hit toddler age, it gets worse.  1/2 the time I don't even want to go home after work anymore because I don't know what I'm in for until I get through the door.  Usually my wife is pissed off at something, and takes it out on me.  Also, even though I've been at work all day, I'm not allowed to relax (well, I can, but only if I want her even more mad) when I get home.  I'm expected to be either playing with my daughter (which is fine, she's fun to play with), or cleaning from the time I get home to when we go to bed.  It's sad, but as much as I hate my job, 1/2 the time I'd rather be here than home.  I hope it gets better.

How do you keep from shooting yourself? Seriously.

It's cabin fever. Get her a job now, or this is the beginning of the end!

Quoted: Cabin fever?

i don't see how that can be the case.  when i say "stay at home mom" it is anything but.  she takes laurel to see her dad (laurel's grandpa) at least once a week, and usually does something with some of her other stay-at-home-mom friends once a week.  we have friends over/go over to other friends' places for dinner probably every other week.

i actually went shooting last saturday for about 3 hours...including the 45 minute drive each way to the range.  it is the second time i have broken out the ar since she was born.  my wife has made sure to point out i was gone for 3 hours on a saturday a couple of times since then.

ughh!

-matt

If I may add some advice:

Having a new child is quite stressful on any couple.

Me and the wife have 2 children currently.  Our first is 2 our 2nd is 7 months.  
We both trade off the child care by working opposing shifts.
It is hard on the relationship in the sense that we don't get to see each other and that we are full time care givers and retain full time jobs as well.

Recently we had some issues in the relationship but we have pretty much smoothed those out and are doing quite well.

A father can be a mr.mom without much issue.   It is not something you learn overnight.  

I'll be honest it is the toughest thing I have faced in my life but it is very rewarding.

My advice to you is:

Arrange a date for you and the wife to get out once a week or more if possible without the kid.
Make time to talk to her each day and hear her gripes.   Send her an email during the day or call her a couple of times to let her vent.  These things will cheer her up A LOT.

As far as her expecting you to take care of the baby when you get home YOU SHOULD (or at least give her a break).
She has been taking care of the little thing all day and probably needs a break.

Just because someone is female does not mean they are automatically programmed to know everything about child care.  

On the baby food subject.   My 7 month old boy eats like a hog.  He insists on eating pretty much what ever I am eating at the moment.  This morning he ate some Hormel Chili and washed it down with some Chocolate Milk.  This is in addition to his formula.


BE THANKFUL SHE WANTS TO BE A STAY AT HOME MOM!!!  

PS Vick's Vapor rub=Doctor in a jar.

A coworkers wife is like this right now.  She is giving him all kinds of hell.  He can't do anything right even when trying to help her with the baby.  Everything he does is wrong and no money can be spent unless its on the baby according to her.  She even pushed him up against a wall when he tried to help her get the baby to quit crying.  Get her to a doctor.  

Welcome to fatherhood!   I have 2 and my wife stays at home with them.  It is pretty much what you describe when I get home too.  My wife did have post partum depression and some meds helped quite a bit.  My wife is also on the natural kick so nothing with chemicals for the kids, only whole grains and organic food.  Not that it hurts them, but I like my white cheddar popcorn and Cheetos.  The baby is 8 months old now and should be experimenting with real food any way.  

I would first have her talk with her OB or whom ever was her doctor for the birth about post partum.  It gets worse the longer it goes untreated.   Good Luck.

Matt

What you are going through is exactly how it went with my first wife( except she wanted to get back to work a.s.a.p.)  but worse, we where what I would consider happily married for ten years before her pregnancy.
I agree with you too many books/Dr Phil and Oprah also contributed to the problems along with postpartum depression. We could not agree on anything where it came to how our child should be raised feeding, sleeping, anything.
I wish that I could give you some sage advise that would help you through this but I can't, unfortunately my mirage ended with my wife having an affair after she returned to work 1-2 months after my son was born.
I will keep you in my thoughts, hopefully you and your family will be able to work through this.

Quoted: Mom syndrome.  It gets better as the kid gets a little older, and then when they hit toddler age, it gets worse.  1/2 the time I don't even want to go home after work anymore because I don't know what I'm in for until I get through the door.  Usually my wife is pissed off at something, and takes it out on me.  Also, even though I've been at work all day, I'm not allowed to relax (well, I can, but only if I want her even more mad) when I get home.  I'm expected to be either playing with my daughter (which is fine, she's fun to play with), or cleaning from the time I get home to when we go to bed.  It's sad, but as much as I hate my job, 1/2 the time I'd rather be here than home.  I hope it gets better.

god, are you following me around!?

Quoted: i don't see how that can be the case.  when i say "stay at home mom" it is anything but.  she takes laurel to see her dad (laurel's grandpa) at least once a week, and usually does something with some of her other stay-at-home-mom friends once a week.  we have friends over/go over to other friends' places for dinner probably every other week.

You miss the point - she has the baby with her at grandpa's, and with the other moms.  She needs to do something alone if she isn't already.  Give her half a Saturday to herself to do whatever, even if it's just hide in the bedroom with a good book.

Quoted: Sling equals hands free.

Yeah, drop the baby, she falls to your hips and you can immediately transition to the bottle/baby toy/whatever you can whip out of your chest rig

physco?

Take her to the doctor.  Explain the problem.  Get Zoloft.

If it weren't for Zoloft, I'd have gotten a divorce.

After about 2 years, she can come off it.

Shane

Postpartum psychosis?

Personally, I think "crazy" is a natural state for women.  I find it funny that God gave them the ability to fake sanity just long enough to get us to impregnate them.  They're all fucking crazy!

Quoted: backstory:  been married 5 years and things were pretty good.  we each were working, made good money between the two of us, had plenty of hobbies, and got along great for the most part.  got pregnant (not planned) and our baby was born last january. she wants to be a stay at home mom.  that is fine.  i do well enough to support us, with a little belt tightening here and there.  here is what is bugging me...as soon as i get home from work, i get a crying baby (she gets cranky towards the end of the day) shoved into my arms along with something to the effect "i can't take this anymore."  i am evidently supposed to play with her non-stop until it is time to put her to bed.  if i don't, i get either the silent treatment or "why don't you like your baby/want to spend time with her?"   in my opinion, she reads too many books about child care and watches too much dr. phil/opera.  for whatever reason, i'm expected to do everything exactly as described in those damn books.  last night she came completely unhinged because i gave our little girl a few small bites of frozen strawberry yogurt.  our daughter loved it...mom (who seems to subsist on bagels and ritz crackers lately) went on a tirade about empty calories and stomped off to the bedroom. jesus. i feel i can't do a whole lot of anything right regarding care and maintainence of our kid, and yet i get in trouble for not trying too.  for the record, the only thing that i could/should help out more on is getting up at night time.  i am for letting her cry it out when she wakes up (she can/should be sleeping through the night @ 6 months) but that isn't right either.  i do try to take her more on the weekends. gawd what a mess.  does it get any better as the kid gets a little more independent? -matt

Sounds like the "stay at home mom" bit just isn't for her. She needs to get back out into the world and do something aside from 24/7 baby.

The idea probably sounds good to her for one reason or another, but it doesn't sound like it's working.

She should try daycare during the day and a job to get away. When she gets home from work she'll enjoy the time around the kid then.

Just my 10 cents.

My wife and I just had a kid 3 months ago. She is eager to get back to work. I know staying at home all alone with the kid for much longer would drive her insane.

Quoted: Quoted: Postpartum. its not like she's sitting around crying though.  she just seems pissed in general at whatever i do...whether i play with our kid, whether i don't, whether i cut the grass or i don't or whatever else you can think of. i've seriously begun to wonder if she wants us to separate.

There is no standard checklist for PPD. It comes in different and varying degrees.

I suggest you take a day off so your wife can get out of the house and go get her nails and hair done. It may seem like a little thing to us men, but I am sure it would mean a great deal to her. I know i am starting to sound a little Metrosexual, but i have learned one or two thing after 8 years of marriage.

If that doesn't work then knock her over the head and get her to someone in the medical proffession that specializes in crazy bitch syndrome!

height=8

Quoted: height=8 Quoted: i don't see how that can be the case.  when i say "stay at home mom" it is anything but.  she takes laurel to see her dad (laurel's grandpa) at least once a week, and usually does something with some of her other stay-at-home-mom friends once a week.  we have friends over/go over to other friends' places for dinner probably every other week. You miss the point - she has the baby with her at grandpa's, and with the other moms.  She needs to do something alone if she isn't already.  Give her half a Saturday to herself to do whatever, even if it's just hide in the bedroom with a good book.

Raising a child is a job; but perhaps she is one of those people who dont feel valuable if they arent employed? I know when I wasnt working for a couple months I felt like the excrement of humanity.

Postpartum depression doesn't have to mean she's crying all the time.  Sometimes people who are depressed act very angry.

She really needs to see a doc.  Her hormones could really be out of wack.  She might need to take meds for a while to get everything back into balance.  If meds don't work, see a counselor.  

We have 5 kids 12, 10. 7. 4 and 8 month old.  I've had postpartum depression after 3 of them.  Not the same as your wife but was just very run down and didn't feel like myself.  Really, just seeing a doctor and getting her body back into balance can change everything.

We always parented together so I'm not sure about that part.  She needs to put the books down and just enjoy the baby.  

Mrs. Ekie

PostPardum. It's normal.

She will go back to her normal self 3 months after she quits breastfeeding.

Until then life will suck. Been through this 2 times.

Put the child in daycare, get mom a job.

Keeping kids all day isn't easy and her natural inclination is to dump the baby on you as soon as you walk in, after working all day this is unacceptable to you.

On the yogurt thing, your the "Dad", you have as much say in what the child eats as she does (contrary to what she may believe) and there's no such thing as "empty calories" with a baby as long as they are within a normal weight range for their age (my son was in the 95% percentile at birth).

In addition to the above, she's probably getting the "crazy" idea's on "how things are supposed to be" from watching to many damn citcoms and talk shows. Be fair but keep the pimp hand strong, it's your house and your kid just as much as it is hers.

good luck

Quoted: Sounds like the "stay at home mom" bit just isn't for her. She needs to get back out into the world and do something aside from 24/7 baby. The idea probably sounds good to her for one reason or another, but it doesn't sound like it's working. She should try daycare during the day and a job to get away. When she gets home from work she'll enjoy the time around the kid then. Just my 10 cents. My wife and I just had a kid 3 months ago. She is eager to get back to work. I know staying at home all alone with the kid for much longer would drive her insane.

i've suggested this.  she has stated that it is much easier to be a teacher than a stay at home mother.  our bank account would sure look better with the extra income.  when i bring up the possibility of daycare, she responds with something to the effect "no one else will take care of my baby better than i will".  seems like a lose/lose to me.

Dude, get it taken care of SOMEHOW, otherwise you're going to have an 18 year payment deducted from your paycheck when you split. Oh, and you'll still get to deal with the bitch for that long too (or longer).

I'm 42 and don't have kids. My wife and I have animals. I don't want kids, and sure as HELL ain't gonna start now! My wife likes animals and when we agreed to go the childless route she brought it up. I said "I'll get you a fuckin' giraffe if that's what it takes!"

I feel sorry for ya.

She just wants a break from the kid

O please, this "I have been with the kid all day, and it is your turn when you get home" makes me sick.  I am sure that you spend 8 hours a day fishing and playing golf?  When do you get YOUR free time?

Quoted: I'm not sure about your relationship with your wife or if it's going to get worse before it gets better. I just know that you should be talking to your spouse about it rather than asking a bunch of anonymous losers on the internet.

QFT

ARFCOM has the highest divorce rate of any forum i've ever frequented as well as the highest number of know-it-all college kids and middle aged fat men that want to live vicariously through you...

this is by FAR the WORST place to ask for relationship advice...

Post partum.  

It happens to most mothers. Some much worse than others.  These things, they happen.
I know it's difficult to swallow that women "get away with murder" with regards to trouble
cause by hormones and emotions, but that is a fact.

It is better to be married to a "whining, crying, irrational bitch" for a few months, than it is to
be permanently divorced due to a temporary situation.

it is temporary with a physician's help.

Quoted: Quoted: Mom syndrome.  It gets better as the kid gets a little older, and then when they hit toddler age, it gets worse.  1/2 the time I don't even want to go home after work anymore because I don't know what I'm in for until I get through the door.  Usually my wife is pissed off at something, and takes it out on me.  Also, even though I've been at work all day, I'm not allowed to relax (well, I can, but only if I want her even more mad) when I get home.  I'm expected to be either playing with my daughter (which is fine, she's fun to play with), or cleaning from the time I get home to when we go to bed.  It's sad, but as much as I hate my job, 1/2 the time I'd rather be here than home.  I hope it gets better. How do you keep from shooting yourself? Seriously.

Because she needs a daddy.

PPD is over-diagnosed.  Is it possible?  Certainly.  Is it as common as they hand out the drugs for it?  Absolutely not.  It's like ADD/ADHD or any other form of mental quasi-illness.

It's good that there are resources available but a good Doc won't 'prescribe from the hip.'
Remember that families have been having babies for millenia and the odds of your situation being perfectly normal are overwhelming.  Never assume something is wrong without solid evidence.


You should be going to the pediatrician anyhow, and postnatal issues are something you should bring up with them (the both of you, if possible).  Don't expect the ped. to be a counsellor but they are a good resource to assure the both of you that some of this stuff is completely normal and will be able to refer you to the proper source if they believe there is an actual problem.  They're also a reliable confidant - does new mother want to listen to the 'bad daddy' or the doctor that she trusts with her precious baby?

You've been married so you're certainly used to being wrong for no reason.  If you've been paying attention, you already know what buttons to press or what sources to present in order to be able to speak to her and haver her listen with an open mind.

Remember that, when arguing ("discussion" if you want to call it that, but it's always adversarial) remember that men speak and listen from the premise of logic - "logos."  They compare the new information against what they already know and see if it measures up and is plausible.

Most women listen from an authoritarian point of view.  "Ethos," if you will.  The doctor is right because he's a doctor.  Dr. Phil knows best because if he didn't, he wouldn't have a show.  The emotional connection to the speaker is the source of their authority.  Again, conversely, men generally want the argument to make sense regardless of who is saying it.

Because you've been married, you no longer impress your wife.  There is no mystery, she knows exactly who you are (in part because men generally wear their personalities on their sleeves, there's no secrets).  Because you cannot make an argument from authority and because she will not listen to logic, you've got very little chance.  Alone...

If you want to make a firm argument (and pick your battles carefully here), speak on behalf of someone else's authority.  Quote a research study or another baby book.  Most books and studies are contradicted by other books and studies so there's plenty of ammo out there.  The more well-read you are on the subject, the better arguments you'll be able to make on the matter.  Always quote the source first before making an argument.  You can pass this off as trying to be a better dad if she tries to say that you're just trying to prove her wrong (which again makes you the bad guy).  You're trying to present new information to her as you would the day's news.  "Honey, did you know..."

Accept that you're always going to be wrong but by having plausible deniability (the book told me to do it) or authority-based arguments presented occasionally, you might be able to keep your sanity.

The last little bit of advice is to complain about your job or what happened that day.  Women love commiseration.  I know you just want to get home and you don't think that what Sheila in accounting did is interesting to anybody else but women love the farking drama.  If you can't give her any drama, she's going to manufacture some.  Give her what she wants.  If nothing happened that day, make some junk up.  Include names, even if fictional, and give her some dang gossip.  It's diversion at best but it can help.


You know your wife better than we do so you should already know what works and what doesn't.  What I'm saying really is to have a plan.  Do your research and use what you know.

I think you already understand what you have to do, you just don't want to do it because you're insulted by the premise that you have to.  She's you wife and she should give you the benefit of the doubt, right?  Bad assumption to make.

I'm not saying to be dishonest here, just to be patronizing without being condescending.

It's a tough tightrope to walk but it certainly can be done.


If all else fails, tell her that you're sorry for everything and that you want to learn but that she should teach you.  Tell her that arguing isn't doing the baby any favors and that you want them to grow up in a loving household.  Hopefully, she'll lay off your nuts if you tell her that it's good for the baby.

Quoted: Quoted: I'm not sure about your relationship with your wife or if it's going to get worse before it gets better. I just know that you should be talking to your spouse about it rather than asking a bunch of anonymous losers on the internet. QFT ARFCOM has the highest divorce rate of any forum i've ever frequented as well as the highest number of know-it-all college kids and middle aged fat men that want to live vicariously through you... this is by FAR the WORST place to ask for relationship advice...

I figured NAMBLA would have a higher rate

Quoted: Quoted: Sounds like the "stay at home mom" bit just isn't for her. She needs to get back out into the world and do something aside from 24/7 baby. The idea probably sounds good to her for one reason or another, but it doesn't sound like it's working. She should try daycare during the day and a job to get away. When she gets home from work she'll enjoy the time around the kid then. Just my 10 cents. My wife and I just had a kid 3 months ago. She is eager to get back to work. I know staying at home all alone with the kid for much longer would drive her insane. i've suggested this.  she has stated that it is much easier to be a teacher than a stay at home mother.  our bank account would sure look better with the extra income.  when i bring up the possibility of daycare, she responds with something to the effect "no one else will take care of my baby better than i will".  seems like a lose/lose to me.

The only other option is working opposite shifts.  That way a parent is always at home and both are working.  Be a stay at home dad for a while, you will know how she feels by the end of the day.

my ex went crazy WHILE pregnant, and went and got an abortion.. X2

Quoted: backstory:  been married 5 years and things were pretty good.  we each were working, made good money between the two of us, had plenty of hobbies, and got along great for the most part.  got pregnant (not planned) and our baby was born last january. she wants to be a stay at home mom.  that is fine.  i do well enough to support us, with a little belt tightening here and there.  here is what is bugging me...as soon as i get home from work, i get a crying baby (she gets cranky towards the end of the day) shoved into my arms along with something to the effect "i can't take this anymore."  i am evidently supposed to play with her non-stop until it is time to put her to bed.  if i don't, i get either the silent treatment or "why don't you like your baby/want to spend time with her?"   in my opinion, she reads too many books about child care and watches too much dr. phil/opera.  for whatever reason, i'm expected to do everything exactly as described in those damn books.  last night she came completely unhinged because i gave our little girl a few small bites of frozen strawberry yogurt.  our daughter loved it...mom (who seems to subsist on bagels and ritz crackers lately) went on a tirade about empty calories and stomped off to the bedroom. jesus. i feel i can't do a whole lot of anything right regarding care and maintainence of our kid, and yet i get in trouble for not trying too.  for the record, the only thing that i could/should help out more on is getting up at night time.  i am for letting her cry it out when she wakes up (she can/should be sleeping through the night @ 6 months) but that isn't right either.  i do try to take her more on the weekends. gawd what a mess.  does it get any better as the kid gets a little more independent? -matt

Pretty much sums up why I don't want kids.

Quoted: my ex went crazy WHILE pregnant, and went and got an abortion.. X2

Quoted: Quoted: Postpartum. its not like she's sitting around crying though.  she just seems pissed in general at whatever i do...whether i play with our kid, whether i don't, whether i cut the grass or i don't or whatever else you can think of. i've seriously begun to wonder if she wants us to separate.

My wife went psychotic for a good year after our first was born. Nothing I did was right. If I didn't do it, I was wrong. If I did do it, I was wrong because I didn't do it the way she wanted it done.
So I say, " Why didn't you tell me you had a certain way you wanted it done?"
She says, "Why do I always have to tell you? You should have asked me!"
I say, "I've been doing it this way the whole time. You never said anything about it before."

This is when the crying starts and the list of wrongs from the beginning of time comes out.

It wasn't nearly as as bad when our second was born.

All women are nuts, some more than others.

Quoted: anyone else's spouse go psycho after having kids?