A Few Rules To Live By:


Any Man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed or beaten
by his fellow partygoers.

Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
 a. When a heroic dog dies to save his master
 b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse
 c. After wrecking your boss' car
 d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game"
 e. When his date is using her teeth

Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of
jail within 12 hours.

If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits
forever, unless you actually marry her.

The minimum amount of time you have to wait for a guy who's running late is
5minutes. Maximum waiting time is 6 minutes.  For a girl, you have to wait
10
minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale.

Bitching about the brand of free beer in a friend's fridge is forbidden.
Gripe at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man.  In
fact, even remembering your buddies birthday is optional.

When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may always ask
the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

It is permissible to quaff a fruity chick drink only when you're sunning on
a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel... and it's
free.

Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem -- you didn't see nothin'.

Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until
they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much beer
as the other sports watchers.

You must offer heartfelt and public condolences over the death of a
girlfriend's cat,  even if it was you who secretly threw it into a ceiling
fan.

Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but
not both. That's just plain mean.

Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: both
urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost
imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

You forgot one:

No matter how hot she is, a friend's ex is forever considered 'off limits'.

cry over wrecking bosses car? No job is that important, imagine crying like a baby over a car,,next thing you'll be suggesting is reasons to surrender.

Do they consider a margarita a "fruity chick drink"?

Not if it's made with real tequila (We're talkin' Anejo or Reposado here), lime juice (None of that sugary mix crap), and Triple Sec.

Heck with it, just gimme the shot of Herradura already

.....you guys can "DO" all of my X'bitches,like I give a crap.........[:|]can I watch?

However, crying over a wrecked Mustang Boss is permissable.

What about crying while watching the movie The Rock, where the Ferrari gets smashed by the streetcar?

As for friend' exes, thats ok as long as he broke up with her, if she dumped him, don't ever mess with her, unless you are really drunk, so you have an excuse like, "Man, I was finishing my 8th Cuervo shot and she started unziping her skirt".

As for wives, it is all in the title, "wives" are already taken, except for Catherine Zeta Jones who is married to that ancient asshole wearing diapers.

Ice

Hate to break it to ya buddy, but Zeta Jones is 40!  She aint that much younger than him!  She still claims she's 31, but people who went to school with her here, say otherwise!

When you cake on makeup, and see the plastic surgeon every month, you can look 10 years younger than you really are!

Damn,
oh well, her and Angie Everhart (who is single, I think) are the only girls I would ever mess with if they were married.

Thanks for the heads up on the ancient one,
Ice

Ummm.... [b]NO[/b]!  


Tyler

It is also ok to cry during taps and the 21 gun salute.  My wife's grandmother was a WWII vet who passed away two weeks ago.  I always shed a few tears during taps...

God Bless Texas

A similar important rule:

Never buy a car from or sell a car to a friend.

Laughed so much, I spilled my fruity chick drink.

Obviously, none of you guys have daughters.

It's okay, and nearly impossible not to, cry when your daughter wins her first prize in whatever contest in which she's competing.

Not blubbering, but, your gonna at least get em wetter than usual....

Ex wife = off limits.

Ex girfriend = OK as long as he's over her and it's just a sport fvck for you.

Who didn't cry when old Private Ryan was at the Captain's grave?  

Just like I thought.  Nobody!!

CB

It is perfectly acceptable to shed a tear or two when they play Amazing Grace on the bagpipes at a buddy's funeral!

Forgot the obvious one:
Never stop to ask directions.
No wonder the GPS is very popular!

Is it ok to cry at the rang after you run out of ammo?

I cried all during Saving Private Ryan.I just act like I got something in my eye.
  You can do your friend's wife or girl friend but only If he wants you to.Don't fall in love.

Screw it.  "Amazing Grace" played on the bagpipes at [i]any[/i] funeral gets me.  The short video clips of the NYFD funerals are enough to make me cloud up.  If that makes me not a man, fvck the rest of ya!

Rules:

Be interested in football, hunting/shooting, beer, fireworks, and big dogs.  Shopping, clothing, and toy dogs are off limits.

Vegan lifestyles are out.

Asking a friend about his income is like walking on thin lava.

Never let your wife decorate every room in the house.  Always save at least one for yourself.

A good magazine in the john is worth 2 in the mail.

Hold the door for women, unless they are stalking you.

Use a house ball when bowling unless you have weird size fingers.  Owning your own ball is like keeping a fingernail collection.  Both are ok, but only if done covertly.

Meat goes down first.  Save the veggies for later.

It is perfectly acceptable to snack before dinner as long as the snack food is not healthier than the main course.

Always ask before eating off other people's plate.  Never try this on a first date.

Never whizz in a community shower when others are present.

Never lounge in a bathrobe or other non-split legged garment.

It is ok to sit or stand with a thumb inside the waist of your pants.  Never allow the fingers to wander however!

Never keep track of friends debts unless; a single loan exceeds $15 in value, or your friend is a leech.

Pass ammo around during shoots freely.  Nobody likes the guy who won't let his buds shoot his .300 Win Mag.

If the ammo is too expensive, don't bring it to a social gathering.  You'll look cheap.

Know how to use a chainsaw.

Skiing will attract chicks.  Skiing well, doesn't.

The music you listen to says nothing about your manhood.  How you dance does, however.

Good speakers are worth every penny.  You wouldn't buy a car with a cloudy windshield would you?

When drinking two handed from a glass or bowl, never allow the pinkies to extend.  Cowboys were shot for less than this.

Never cheat on your friends in Poker.  Save the cheating for Monopoly.

True, but I have been to more than a few buddies funerals since 9-11 than I have ever been to otherwise.

BTW it is [b]FDNY[/b][;D]