A man, having just went through a TERRIBLE divorce process, was walking along the beach.  While kicking around in the sand, he happens uppon a strange looking lamp.  He picks it up and rubs the side when all of the sudden out pops and genie.  Knowing the whole genie and the lamp story, he asks "do I get three wishes?"  This particular genie wasn't in the best of moods, especially for a know-it-alls, and answers, "Sure, I'll give you three wishes, but with one condition.  Everything I give you, I'm going to grant your ex-wife double."  

The man thinks about it for a second and figures sure, whatever.  "Fine genie," he says, "for my first wish, I want 10 million dollars!"  POOF, the man is holding a briefcase with 10 million dollars in it.  "But I just gave your ex-wife a case with 20 million dollars in it," says the genie.  Really hating his ex-wife now, he gets a little frustrated at the fact but moves on.  

"Next, I want a boat, a big boat, 100 feet long!"  POOF, right off shore a huge yacht appears with his name on the side.  "But I just gave your ex-wife a boat that's 200 feet long and twice as nice,"  the genie says.  Really getting pissed now, and not wanting his ex to get anything he stops and thinks.  

After a few minutes he says "alright genie, I have my third and final wish... I want you to beat me half to death!"

An unemployed pianist walks into a piano bar and starts jamming.  The manager runs up to him and says he's never heard anyone play that well.

"Thanks," says the pianist, launching into another song. "I call that one 'Smell My Balls'.  This one's called 'Banging a Bag Lady'."

"Tell you what," says the manager, "come by tonight and we'll see how it goes.  Just don't go announcing the names of your songs to the audience."

That night the pianist quickly gets the place rocking.  After playing for an hour, he goes to the bathroom.  When he returns, a hush falls over the crowd.

One of the customers leans over and says, "Hey buddy, do you know your schlong is hanging out of your zipper ?"

"Know it ?" replies the pianist excitedly, "I wrote it !"

A couple had only been married for two weeks and the
husband although very much in love, couldn't wait to
go out on the town and party with his old buddies.


So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."

"Where are you going, Coochy Coo?" asked the wife.

"I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face," he answered. "I'm
going to have a beer."

The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened
the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25
different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different
countries: Germany , Holland, Japan, India , etc

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only
thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes,
Lollipop... but at the bar... You know... they have
frozen glasses... "

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife
interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass,
Puppy Face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the
freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just
holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, Tootsie
Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres
that are really delicious... I won't be long. I'll be
right back. I promise. OK?"

"You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?" She opened
the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors
d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom
caps, and little quiches.

"But my sweet honey... at the bar... you know there's
swearing".

"You want dirty words, Cutie Pie?"
"LISTEN UP CHICKEN SHIT! SHUT THE HELL UP,
DRINK YOUR BEER IN YOUR FROZEN MUG, AND EAT
YOUR HORS D'OEUVRES, BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ASS
ISN'T GOING TO A FUCKING BAR! THAT SHIT IS OVER,
GOT IT, JACKASS?"

and... they lived happily ever after.