Your newborn must attend Rip within the first 30 days of life.

Your wife's two favorite shades of lipstick are light green and loam.

You go to a barbecue and insist that your family feed tactically.

Your children clear housing before they go to college.

You require your mechanic to replace the sandbags in your floorboard as a part of a tune-up.

Your station wagon is equipped with blackout lights.

Your kids call their mother "Household 6."

Your kids volunteer to pull air guard on the school bus.

Your doorbell sounds off with the current challenge and password.

Your house has sector sketches posted by every window.

You give the command "Fix Bayonets" at Thanksgiving Dinner.

Your kids show their meal cards at the kitchen door, except the
oldest, who is on separate rations.

You make your daughter sign out on pass on Prom Night.

Your kindergartner calls recess "smoke break."

You refer to your spouse affectionately as "the wifely unit."

Your wife conducts an AAR hotwash after sex.

Your wife "takes a knee" in long checkout lines at the Food Lion.

You do your "back to school" shopping at the U.S. Cavalry store.

Your kids call the tooth fairy "Slicky Boy."

Your son fails the third grade but tells everyone he was a "phase three recycle."

Your kids salute their grandparents.

Your wife's "high-n-tight" is more squared away than your commander's.

Your kids get an LES for their allowance.

Your grandmother won "All American Week" and "Best Ranger."

All your kids have names that start with AR, FM, TM, or DA Form.

Your pick-up has your name stenciled on the windshield.

You threaten to punish your spouse for preparing dinner too late
by reducing her to "Wife First Class."

If you refer to your children returning from school each day as "exfiltration."

Your kids recite their ABCs phonetically.

Your wife keeps Mermites in the China cabinet.

Your wife left you and you held a "Change of Command" ceremony.

You call your in-laws the "Slice Elements."

Your dog's name is "Ranger."

Your son's name is "Ranger."

Your name is also "Ranger."

If your low quarters are part of your Sunday go-to-meetings suit.

All your possessions are military issue.

Your kids call their sandbox "NTC."

If they fashion silly putty to look like Claymores and put them
at the perimeter of the back yard.

You have pull-up bars outside the kitchen door.

Your daughter's first haircut was a flattop.

Your kids pull fireguard.

Your newborn's first words were "all OK Jumpmaster."

Your older kids call the youngest one "Cherry"

Your wife carries a buttpack instead of a Gucci purse.

You butter your toast with a bayonet.

Your personal license plate says "At Ease".

Your POV has your name stenciled on the windshield.

Your kids are hand receipt holders.

Your kids practice Drill and Ceremony at recess.

Your kids pull night guard shifts by the mailbox.

Your wife won't buy anything unless it has a stock number.

Your kids have to wax and buff the floor before going to school.

When your dog died, he got a 21-gun salute at Arlington.

Your daughter's dolls wear starched uniforms.

If your kids fail a test, they get a Letter of Reprimand.

Your kids take a monthly urinalysis test.

All your meals at home are MREs.

HOOOAH!!!