From the Atlas Shrugs blog:

...You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.

...You own a $300 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.

 ...You have more wives than teeth.

..You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

...You've ever opened a can of falafel with a mortar round.

...You used a Stinger missile given to you by George Bush Sr. to shoot at a helicopter sent by George Bush Jr.

...You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.

...You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry ammunition in your robe.

...You've ever been asked, "Does this burka make my ass look fat?"

...You think "The Kite Runner" is the funniest book you ever read.

...You've felt the urge to rub one out after seeing a woman's exposed ankle.

...You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

...You've ever uttered the phrase, "I love what you've done with your cave."

...You wipe your ass with your bare left hand, but consider bacon "unclean."