Before(B) and After(A) marriage:
It is amazing the differences in the way that we feel before the vows  are exchanged ... and after.

B - You take my breath away
A - You're suffocating me

B - She says she loves the way I take control of the situation
A - She called me a controlling, manipulative egomaniac

B - Saturday Night Fever
A - Monday Night Football

B - He makes me feel like a million dollars
A - If I had a dime for every stupid thing he's done...

B - Spilling hot oil on your back and giving you a massage till 2:00AM
A - Yelling at me for spilling hot oil on the floor when trying to sneakily make up some fries at 2:00AM

B - Making love and a cigarette
A - Screwing and a stogie

B - Pot
A - A pot

B - The Sound of Music
A - The Sound of Silence

B - Cologne
A - Motor Oil

B - It's like I'm in a dream
A - It's like he's in my nightmare

B - $60/dozen
A - $1.50/stem

B - We agree on everything!
A - Doesn't she have a mind of her own?

B - Sexy lingerie from Victoria's Secret for no reason at all
A - A gift certificate to Jenny Craig Weight Loss clinic for your
25th anniversary

B - Charming and Noble
A - Chernobyl

B - Ideal
A - Idle

B - I love a woman with curves
A- I never said you were fat

B - He's completely lost without me
A - Why won't he ever ask for directions?

B - Time stood still
A - This relationship is going nowhere

B - Blind
A - Nearsighted

B - You look so seductive in black
A - Your clothes are so depressing

B - Oysters
A - Fishsticks

B - I can hardly believe we found each other
A - I can't believe I ended up with someone like you  

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[b]Wife 1.0:[/b]
To: Help Desk
Subject: System Help

I am writing this letter as a last resort. Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during initialization, where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Pokernight 10.3, Drunken Boys Night 2.0 and Saturday Football 5.0 no longer runs, crashing the system whenever selected. I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some of my favorite applications. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but un-install does not work. Can  you help me please!!!

Reply:
* This is a very common problem that men complain about but it is  mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from  Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a  "UTILITIES ENTERTAINMENT" program.

* Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to
run everything. It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and
go back to Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating files within your system
would cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained.

* It is impossible to un-install, delete, or purge the program files  from the system once installed. You can not go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to  install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system. Look in your manual under "Warnings -Alimony/Child  Support." I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and deal with the situation.

* Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read
the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs). You
must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur,
regardless of their cause. The best course of action will be to
enter the command: C:\APOLOGIZE.

* In any case avoid excessive use of the "Esc" key because
ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the
operating system will return to normal. The system will run smoothly as
long as you take the blame for all the GPFs.

* Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high maintenance. Consider
buying additional software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0. I
recommend Flowers 2.1 and Chocolates 5.0.

* Do not, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short
Skirt 3.3. This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is
likely  cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

* Down the road, you may wish to test out our Beta Mother 1.0 as well.
It is fully compatible with wife 1.0, but will be more efficient, run
faster and will work throughout the night while you sleep.

Best of luck from help Desk

Anyone know where I can get Secretary with Short Skirt 3.3

Went to CompUSA and they looked at me funny when I asked [@:D]

Eveybody should make that mistake once.....well ok twice maybe......3 or more........[whacko]

I've had all version of that Girlfriend program but have not tried that Wife 1.0

Black Gun I gather you have upgraded to Wife 4.0? LOL [:D]

I GET NO RESPECT..........[smoke]

I think I've got you beat (if one could term it that way) with five total........so far.

man i hope i never upgrade. wife 1.0 sounds like a pain in the ass

Well I think its Masterbates 2.0 for me for a while till I can afford to upgrade to Girlfriend 2.2

Yeah......but gets old REAL fast......[shock]

You could always bootleg [B]NastySlut 6.0[/B] from Frank The Spank!

At least that way you won't have to "Spank The Frank"!

There is also "CrackWhore 5-oh" but you'll have to contact McUzi for that one!

Waldo, you have a clarity of thought rarely found today!

Spitz or swallows?........Could`nt get either to download................[spank]

Pretty funny stuff LT. After being remarried for over a year now, it's all coming back to me.

I was going to e-mail this to a friend but it wouldn't let me.  Anybody else have this problem?