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Posted: 8/23/2006 5:44:45 AM EDT
got the phone call last weekend. she turns 18 in november and is getting married a week later. Not real sure i am happy about it.
my kids live with my ex who lives with her parents and sucks the welfare department dry at every chance. i have had VERY little involvement with their upbringing as my wife has pretty much cut off all contact with them other than screaming for money. <which i have paid faithfully to support them> 1 week ago i got a call from the ex ranting about my daughters boyfriend and how she needed him away from her. <he convinced my daughter she didn't need all the medical treatments my wife was using to get a welfare check> <he is right>. 3 days later she gives consent for them to get married.  IMHO she gave consent to get the kid out of the house. no other reason. he is 22 she will be 18 in Nov. i really think this is a bad idea but a part of me thinks she will be better off with him than my ex... i offered she doesn't want to move in with us <at 17 i wouldn't either so i can't blame her>. He's a good guy with a decent job, hard worker seems to have good manners <on the phone>. they are coming up this weekend so i can meet him face to face. Mona has informed me i will not be allowed to be cleaning the 1919 in the front yard when they get here, and my daughter tells me i am not allowed to take him for a long walk in the woods.  i thought about trying to talk to them about waiting a year <dating for 7 months> but she is determined to be away from mom ASAP and the alternative is she moves away on her own, something she is not financially or mentally ready for. She is 18 and i can't stop them other than to try and offer some advise i am 99% sure will be ignored. oh well, i hope i am wrong but i don't see this lasting long. sorry for the vent i just needed to get it off my chest. mike |
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Posted: 8/23/2006 5:46:41 AM EDT
[#1]
Kill him with fire.
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Posted: 8/23/2006 5:47:24 AM EDT
[#2]
SSS
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Posted: 8/23/2006 5:49:19 AM EDT
[#3]
I wish I could think of something useful to say, but I can't. I would go see her. Spend time with her if possible. Play Dr. Laura sublimley.
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Posted: 8/23/2006 5:51:17 AM EDT
[#4]
Sounds like the situation could be worse.... but I don't envy you in the least.
Keep us posted when you do meet him. and be cleaning the 1919 anyway.... |
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Posted: 8/23/2006 5:52:23 AM EDT
[#5]
Is she pregnant? If not, tell her to wait several years before having kids. It's not like her bio clock is ticking.
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Posted: 8/23/2006 5:55:03 AM EDT
[#6]
not pregnant thank god. i had that talk with her a few nights ago. she tells me she doesn't want kids so that atleast is a good thing for now. of course what she does and what she tells dad likely aren't the same. to be honest with all the uneeded medical crap my wife put her through i'll be surprised if she could have any. |
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Posted: 8/23/2006 6:03:18 AM EDT
[#7]
Wait until you meet the guy. Age isn't the determining factor on whether or not a marriage will hold up. I married my wife when she was 18 and I was 21. I hadn't planned on getting married so early, but love isn't something tangible that you can plan around. So far we've been married 4.5 years, and we made it with me going to Iraq for a year, when I've seen deployments shatter many a marriage. I'm sure that if I was in your position I'd be quite wary, but just size this guy up. Remember when you were 22, you were still a work in progress. Just make sure the foundation is good. Make sure he loves your daughter, make sure he's honest, make sure he's got a good head on his shoulders.
Of course, if he's a dirtbag, go directly to the 1919. |
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Posted: 8/23/2006 6:03:59 AM EDT
[#8]
well, being that I got married older and much wiser than when i was 18/20 years old
I will admit that I dated my wife for less than 2 months before I knew it was right. and it is. But I doubt I would have had that knowledge and maturity at 18 to know that. Anyway, what can you do but support them and move forward? Yes, she's your daughter, but she's also her own person. meet the guy at least before making a decision. As you say, he could be very good for her. |
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Posted: 8/23/2006 6:08:49 AM EDT
[#9]
The worse that can happen is she divorces him and takes half his stuff.
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Posted: 8/23/2006 6:09:12 AM EDT
[#10]
i think his intentions are probably honest. i am a bit concerned about hers. IMOH her main factor is getting out of moms house. while i am sure she is in love with him 17yr girls tend to fall "in love" with the boy of the month. neither of them will be the same person in 2-3 years they are today. hopefully they grow together and not apart.
on the bright side he's a hunter, a shooter, and a good redneck
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Posted: 8/23/2006 6:19:37 AM EDT
[#11]
That's a decent start. I'm sure the last thing my F-in-L wanted was his daughter hooking up with some soldier from Ft. Bragg, even though he basicly did the same thing 25 years earlier. If he's a hunter and a shooter you have a prime chance to "bring him into the fold." Whip out all those big guns your old ass has stored up, take him to the range, plan a hunting trip. Shoot, after I left active duty and my buddies all started ets/pcsing, my F-in-L has ended up being about the best friend I have. We go to all the gunshows together, hunt together, etc. My wife really loves the fact that I enjoy hanging out with her parents. And it keeps us all together as one big happy family. I know plenty of my other friends who don't get along with their in-laws at all, so I'm thankful.
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Posted: 8/23/2006 6:24:05 AM EDT
[#12]
Oh, and some kids are just going to "get out of the house" no matter what. Me, my two brothers and my sister were all gone before we turned 18. Must be some kind of restlessness in the genes. You wake up one morning with the burning desire to GO GO GO, and it won't stop until you do.
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Posted: 8/23/2006 6:25:13 AM EDT
[#13]
I feel for you TBS, maybe my future FIL is in the same boat? You're a stand up guy, I think the best thing you can do is just let him see you being yourself. Don't scare the poor guy, just show him an example of what a real man really is and the rest should fall into line. Think of who this kid is getting as a mother-in-law...he's got it bad enough!
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Posted: 8/23/2006 6:30:24 AM EDT
[#14]
Well, that's just mean!  Clean one of the AR's instead!  Good luck TBS!
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Posted: 8/23/2006 6:31:30 AM EDT
[#15]
When she is 18 you have no say in the matter, as long as you don't finance or enable her in some way.
Kids need to make their own mistakes in life. |
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Posted: 8/23/2006 6:33:47 AM EDT
[#16]
If you want. I'll come down and clean the 1919 in the yard for you
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Posted: 8/23/2006 6:35:51 AM EDT
[#17]
Eighteen is too young. Some marriages that young might work, but I've never talked to anyone who got married that young who later felt as an adult that they'd made the right choice. Best wishes for your daughter though; hope she bucks the odds in this instance.
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Posted: 8/23/2006 6:37:37 AM EDT
[#18]
SSS - The EX
And work the no kids/birth control angle hard with the kids. And try to steer them towards more contact with you and less with the worthless ex. |
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Posted: 8/23/2006 6:39:05 AM EDT
[#19]
Winner!Winner! Have a gun cleaning party at your house that day.....
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Posted: 8/23/2006 6:39:57 AM EDT
[#20]
TBS,
The only thing I can suggest is to keep the relationship as solid as possible with your daughter and do your best to get to know the boyfriend/future husband. As long as the communication is there, you have some ability (big or small) to influence your daughter for good. I hope everything works out. |
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Posted: 8/23/2006 6:41:12 AM EDT
[#21]
Sorry Mike...this sounds pretty grim overall.
 Good luck to you and your daughter. |
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Posted: 8/23/2006 6:42:26 AM EDT
[#22]
Damn TBS, sorry man...
Wish there was something clever I could say, or something upbeat... But the only thing I can say is good luck, and I'll pray about it. |
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Posted: 8/23/2006 6:42:55 AM EDT
[#23]
My parents: Married at 18 and 19, will have their 50th in 2009. Lived through the death of three of their children, one by suicide. They are business partners and best friends. Not the "normal" couple by today's standards, but they're out there. |
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Posted: 8/23/2006 6:49:07 AM EDT
[#24]
I think you said it when you pointed out she probably wants to get away from her mom. Marriage may not be the greatest answer, but it was one she came up with. If the guy has the Won-Tons to tell her that mom is sucking up Welfare without cause, he may be good to go. Talk to him first.
And neat thing about kids, you may not have had a lot of upbringing early on, but you can jump into that pool right now and be a part of their life. |
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Posted: 8/23/2006 6:50:37 AM EDT
[#25]
I must have missed the memo on the "foolproof magic happy marriage age."
Oh well.
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Posted: 8/23/2006 6:51:43 AM EDT
[#26]
good luck, my friend. If you'd like me to stage an incidental "drop in" for some of your famous gunsmithing work on my AR - you say the word... (and I really need it to - need to put a sling stud on my tube) |
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Posted: 8/23/2006 6:58:56 AM EDT
[#27]
Thanks to an ex who hates me more than she loves her daughters, I didn't have much contact with my three for years. Still don't with the youngest. My oldest is 21, and suddenly re-establishing contact. She's in the process of becoming a human being again instead of a teen-age alien. I'm pleasantly surprised at how she's growing up. We're just getting to know each other. It's downright fun watching her re-assess what she's been told all her life by her mother. Hope something similar happens for you.
At this point, I'm just thankful that none of mine are pregnant or ax-murderers. Or pregnant ax-murderers. ETA and better a daughter getting married than a son. The way the laws currently are, it's a retirement plan for her whether it works out or not. |
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Posted: 8/23/2006 6:59:50 AM EDT
[#28]
too damn young some would say...
but in the South, them there are about the right age to get married oh boy, you need to get one of those blood pressure measuring devices now. Whatever happens, take it easy. Failure is the greatest teacher in life. |
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Posted: 8/23/2006 7:01:59 AM EDT
[#29]
Good luck TBS. The best you can do is be there for your daughter when things get rough for her.
I haven't met many 17- or 18-YOs who aren't sure they have everything figured out. |
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Posted: 8/23/2006 7:04:21 AM EDT
[#30]
Correction: "Kids need to find their own way in life." Mike, I sympathize, my daughter turned 18 in Mar 06. My personal feeling is being married at 18 is probably too early in life in today's world. Your daughter needs to get a skill(other than making babies) because you never know what will happen in the future, or at least she has some control over her future. I have 3 kids and every one of them is different from each other. Fortunately for me, the daughter she's going to college. I've seen my nieghbor's daughter stray when she went to college. I wish you well, because for kids there are no set rules. Remember they will be your kids whether they are 5 or 50. |
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Posted: 8/23/2006 7:09:44 AM EDT
[#31]
I got engaged at 19. Thank God we didnt get married. I had no idea of what I was getting into. She is way too young for this to work....I hope it does, but the chips are stacked against her. I got married when I was 23 and its not easy. I had my 5yr anniversary this year and life couldnt be better. But at 18...she hasnt even experianced the real world.
Good luck to you in this situation. |
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Posted: 8/23/2006 7:17:14 AM EDT
[#32]
There is a bit of hope TBS, I asked my wife to marry me when she was 17, and we married when she turned 18 and I was 20.
I got her out of a bad situation at home w/ her mother, she had no confidence in herself, and her mother loves welfare also. She's happily full-time employed in a quasi-professional job, I'm 20, just bought a house in Nevada with her (my vacation in FL is nearing an end w/ my new company). I'm paying for her school right now too. Her quality of life since I've come around has improved. And I'm sure her father wanted to shoot me, and was scared for his daughter. Just give him a chance, btw, it was the best decision I've ever made. |
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Posted: 8/23/2006 7:19:01 AM EDT
[#33]
Be supportive of your daughter and her right to make her own choices (even if you feel they are mistakes). Make yourself into an example that she would want to mirror, so that she has some other role model than your ex.
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Posted: 8/23/2006 7:24:57 AM EDT
[#34]
This is what I tell my daughters: "Live, travel, get dirty, make mistakes. Think about settling down when you're thirty."
But the bottom line is, at 18 they're old enough to legally fuck up their own lives. |
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Posted: 8/23/2006 7:30:19 AM EDT
[#35]
 |
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Posted: 8/23/2006 7:33:58 AM EDT
[#36]
Mike, try to stay positive, hun.
FTR? I married Mr. Playmore very young. And we'd been childhood sweethearts and had very little "experience." Well, HE had more, but we won't "go there." Bottom line, many folks thought we were "too young" and that we "wouldn't last" and we were still in "puppy love." That last comment ALWAYS made me wanna yakk. Anyway. Here we are. Almost 20 years married, 2 beautiful healthy children, homeowners twice over, financially stable... Fact is, all you can do is support her, now. She's (like it or not) a grown up. My mom STILL hates some of the decisions I've made (Like my tattoos) but they are STILL my decisions TO make, ya know? Seems like you like the boy well enough: that's a GOOD thing. for him  |
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Posted: 8/23/2006 7:34:38 AM EDT
[#37]
I say that because modern day marriage is disposable, hovering around 80% divorce rate. 80% chance or better that it will be a mistake. It would be a big help if she weren't saddled with the responsibility of raising a child, should she figure this out. It keeps her options open. Marriage shouldn't be the big concern, but future burden. The daughter will slingshot home with a baby if things don't work out. That would be the discussion I would have with her. |
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Posted: 8/23/2006 7:49:30 AM EDT
[#38]
I can guarantee this marriage will either end in divorce or death, so either way it’s not going to have a happy ending.
But this guy is willing to take on a lot to save your daughter from a crazy mother. Definitely give him a chance, you never know about some relationships. |
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Posted: 8/23/2006 7:52:21 AM EDT
[#39]
I'm trying to think of another way for a marriage to end, without much luck. A desire to get away from something, e.g. one's mother, is rarely a good reason to get married. 
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Posted: 8/23/2006 7:53:28 AM EDT
[#40]
TBS:
Honestly, this does not sound like the beginning of a good, long & happy marriage. Since she is not preggo and does not want kids (for a while at least) ask them both point blank why they want to get married. If they say they are "in love" ask them how being married would make them happier about "love". Maybe sit down with them and help them make up a domestic household budget. That should scare any young man away from the altar Maybe offer to put $1000/year into a CD for every year they wait to get married to set up household. Sorry I don't have any really good suggestions for you. |
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Posted: 8/23/2006 8:13:16 AM EDT
[#41]
Don't get too bumbed out just yet, Mike. From what I can tell, he sounds like a good guy, and while I can understand your concerns for your daughters motives she may really love him. If he was able to convince her that her mother was screwing her over she clearly trusts his judgment, and he has her best interests in mind.
I can also see why you're concerned that they have only been dating for 7 months. However, I proposed to my wife 6 months after I met her, and we were married 6 months later. That was 11.5 years ago. It just might work out. CO |
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Posted: 8/23/2006 8:25:59 AM EDT
[#42]
Tag for
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Posted: 8/23/2006 8:28:41 AM EDT
[#43]
Sadly 1/2 of 0 = 0.
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Posted: 8/23/2006 8:28:56 AM EDT
[#44]
if he ever lays a hand on her it might be a bit of both
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Posted: 8/23/2006 8:35:47 AM EDT
[#45]
get both the guns from ur trunk and draw down on thim after that kill him with fire then IBTL 87 times
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Posted: 8/23/2006 8:37:18 AM EDT
[#46]
Times like this i wish i had a lock button for real life
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Posted: 8/23/2006 8:55:14 AM EDT
[#47]
TBS, all you can do is be open and honest with both of them whatever course that ends up being. Good luck and good onya for being there for her.
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Posted: 8/23/2006 9:07:27 AM EDT
[#48]
Actually, I think that is how ALL marriages end!
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Posted: 8/23/2006 9:10:17 AM EDT
[#49]
She's 18? Oh, that so isn't going to work.
I'd pound it into her head to avoid getting knocked up until she's at least 25. |
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Posted: 8/23/2006 9:20:29 AM EDT
[#50]
TBS,
You have a PM. |
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