Time for your favorite socialist!



"Did you hear what the Republicans have said about Hillary Clinton? They say she's too angry to be president. Hillary Clinton, Senator Hillary Clinton, too angry to be president. When she heard this, Hillary said, 'Oh yeah? I'll rip your throats out, you bastards.'" --David Letterman

"In a speech this week, Hillary Clinton blasted the Bush White House as one of the worst in history. I tell you, this is the hardest Hillary's been on any president she wasn't married to." --Jay Leno

"Top Democrats have mixed feelings about Sen. Hillary Clinton running for president. Apparently, some Democrats don't like the idea, while others hate it." --Conan O'Brien

"It's true, everybody is in the holiday spirit. Last night, Bill Clinton saw the 'Nutcracker.' Not the ballet, Hillary." --David Letterman

Hillary Clinton called for President Bush to begin pulling troops out of Iraq next year. And let me tell you something, when it comes to telling a president when to pull out, no one has more experience than Hillary Clinton." --Jay Leno

"In speech earlier this at Harvard, Bill Clinton said he has no idea if Hillary will run for president. But he says if he ever sees her again he'll certainly ask." --Jay Leno

"While President Bush was out of town Hillary Clinton stopped by the White House on Friday for an important meeting with her decorator." --Jay Leno

"While visiting Kenya, former President Clinton was offered 40 goats and 20 cows for his daughter, Chelsea, by a love struck government official. Bill said, "No way!" How does that make Hillary feel? Bill almost gave her up for one cow." --Jay Leno

"The Democratic Leadership Council has named Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton to design a plan to help define an agenda to the Democratic party. Although Bill said today, in his experience, whenever Hillary enters the picture that's when the party ends" --Jay Leno

"Bill Clinton is the only ex-president who hasn't planned his own funeral. But, in his defense, in the past he has said he wants to be buried next to Hillary. I guess he figures he never slept next to her when they were alive, might as well try it now that they're dead." --Jay Leno

"There is a new book out about Hillary Clinton that claims Bill is still having affairs but Hillary continues to look the other way. The only problem is when Hillary does look the other way Bill's having sex with a women over there too." --Jay Leno

"Well, the big story -- Hillary Clinton will be running for president in 2008. You know why I think she's running? I think she finally wants to see what it's like to sleep in the president's bed." --Jay Leno

"In an unlikely pairing, Hillary Clinton made an appearance this week with Newt Gingrich to push a health care plan. The press is making a big deal out this thing with Newt but, hey, if anyone knows how to appear in public with a man she can't stand, it's Hillary." --Jay Leno

"Hillary Clinton is repositioning herself constantly. She is now campaigning against sex and violence in TV shows and video games. She said studies show that children who ... are exposed to sexual images are more likely to blow her husband" --Bill Maher

"There's already speculation that Hillary Clinton will be the nominee for the Democrats in 2008. Well, you have to admire the dedication of the Democratic party. They just lost an election, and they're already hard at work planning to lose the next one." —Bill Maher

"In an interview over the weekend on Japanese television, Bill Clinton said Hillary would make a great president -- lousy intern but great, great president." --Jay Leno

"Over the weekend, Hillary Clinton visited Iraq to boost moral. Apparently it worked because former President Clinton has never been in a better mood." --Conan O'Brien

"Hillary Clinton said today that she wants legislation to allow all ex-felons to vote. See, this way all the Clinton's former business partners can vote for her in 2008." --Jay Leno

"According to a new poll, Democrats are favoring Hillary Clinton for the Democratic presidential nominee for 2008. Democrats say they are looking for a fresh and exciting new way to get their asses handed to them." --Tina Fey

"President Bush told the reporter that he saw his re-election as the approval by the American people to continue the war in Iraq. Kind of like how Clinton thought his re-election meant the American people wanted him to continue cheating on Hillary." --Jay Leno

"The Clintons are getting ready for Christmas up in Chappaqua. It's the same thing every year. Hillary comes down the stairs on Christmas morning to find a surprise under Bill." --Jay Leno

"Yesterday at Barnes & Noble Hillary Clinton had a book signing and a lot of people showed up. 1,200 people showed up and statistically speaking that means 1 in 10 of those people slept with her husband." —David Letterman

"Hillary is everywhere. Last night she's on Barbara Walters, this morning she's on Katie Couric, and tomorrow she goes on Diane Sawyer. This is the first time Hillary has been on more women than Bill." —Jay Leno

"In her book Hillary Clinton said she could have divorced her husband for all of his infidelities, but decided to get counseling instead. In a related story Bill Clinton announced the name of his new book is 'What Does It Take To Get This Woman To Leave Me?'" —Craig Kilborn

"Hillary said that when she first set eyes on Bill Clinton back in college he had a beard and he reminded her of a Viking, which is perfect because she reminded him of Iceland. ... Like a Viking, he is still out conquering and exploring virgin territory." —Jay Leno

"According to USA Today, former President Clinton has already read his wife's new book five times. In fact, the former president has now spent more time in bed with the book than he has with Hillary." —Conan O'Brien

"The A&E network has announced they are making a two hour movie about Hillary Clinton's days in the White House. And of course they haven't come up with a title yet. These are some of the titles they are considering: 'She's too fat, I'm too furious,' 'Dude, Where's my husband?' 'Ken Starr Wars,' 'Bend it like Monica,' 'Crouching Monica, Hidden Cigar,' 'My husband spent Hanukkah in Monica.'" —Jay Leno

"Hillary also said in the book it was a challenge to forgive Bill, but she figured if Nelson Mandela could forgive, she could give it a try. Isn't that amazing? I didn't know Clinton hit on Mandela's wife." —Jay Leno

"Hillary said that one of the reasons she stayed with Bill so long is because no one can make her laugh like he does, especially when he says stuff like, 'I did not have sex with that woman.'" —Jay Leno

"In the book Hillary says she and President Clinton kept their marriage together through counseling. Yeah, that and living in different cities and never seeing each other." —Craig Kilborn

"Hillary Clinton kicked off her big thirty-city book tour to remind us what a private person she is. ... She had a big book signing party at Barnes & Noble and, listen to this, the first fifty people to show up got to sleep with Bill." —David letterman

"Hillary also said that she got advice from Jackie Kennedy. Jackie Kennedy warned her about the dangerous attractions around charismatic politicians. Jackie told her that Bill, like Jack Kennedy, had a personal magnetism that inspired strong feelings from people. Of course, Kennedy attracted good-looking women." —Jay Leno

"Hillary said during the Lewinsky scandal a lot of people reached out at her including the Dali Lama. The Dali Lama called her at the White House. He told her that Bill's ying and yang were out of balance. The Dali Lama told her Bill was spending too much time on his yang." —Jay Leno

"You know who should actually read this book, President Clinton. That way he can find out exactly what she doesn't know about so he can keep doing that." —Craig Kilborn

"Hillary Clinton has written a book — it's a 600-page memoir — eight years in the White House. Six hundred pages, that's amazing. Not bad for a woman who, when she was there had no idea what was going on." —David Letterman

"Hillary's got this huge book, it's a memoir of her life and times at the White House. In the book she says when Bill told her he was having an affair, she said 'I could hardly breath, I was gulping for air.' No, I'm sorry, that's what Monica said." —David Letterman

"Hillary Clinton says that when President Clinton confessed to her about his affair, she wanted to, quote, 'Wring his neck.' Hillary decided against it when she realized choking Bill would only enhance his orgasm." —Conan O'Brien

Hillary Clinton's book hits the stores this Monday. Oh boy, it took her a long time to write it. But in her defense, every time she tried to use the desk, Bill was always using it for a date." —Jay Leno

"Hillary told Barbara Walters that Clinton came to her bedside one morning, woke her up to confess and she said she was shocked. Not that he lied, but that Clinton even knew where her bedroom was." —Jay Leno

"Barbara said that she was surprised Hillary Clinton agreed to the interview because Barbara had done the interview with Monica Lewinsky. But Walters says that she believes that as far as Hillary Clinton is concerned Monica is behind her, as opposed to Bill who always felt that Monica was beneath him." —Jay Leno

"The A&E network is making a movie about Senator Hillary Clinton and they want Sharon Stone to play Hillary Clinton. Which explains why President Clinton has volunteered to play himself." —Conan O'Brien

"The word is that Bill Clinton is so distraught over Hillary's new book that he's been drinking. Sweet Lord, we've seen the chicks he hits on when he's sober!" —Craig Kilborn

"Hillary said that after Bill admitted the affair with Monica he would spend time alone with Buddy, the dog. He would spend all his time with Buddy the dog. At least that's how he told her he got those scratches on his back." —Jay Leno

"It's a fascinating book. Hillary said that after Clinton admitted to the affair she yelled at him. She said 'Why did you lie to me?' And he said 'You mean this time?'" —Jay Leno

"In her new book, Hillary said that for months she accepted Bill Clinton's story that Monica was just an intern who would come to him asking for help in finding a job. And of course, he wasted no time in finding a position for her." —Jay Leno

"Hillary Clinton's 506-page memoirs comes out next week. So much of her personality shines through, that in the end, you'll want to sleep with an intern." —Craig Kilborn

"In Hillary Clinton's new book 'Living History,' Hillary details what it was like meeting Bill Clinton, falling in love with him, getting married, and living a passionate, wonderful life as husband and wife. Then on page two, the trouble starts." —Jay Leno

"There is a cold front moving across the country. Yeah, it's Hillary starting her book tour." —Craig Kilborn

"The word is that when Bill read the book he wept when he finished it. The last chapter is titled 'The Castration.'" —Craig Kilborn

"Hillary Clinton has written a big book. It's her memoirs about her life in the White House. And she's going to be on the Barbara Walters show. They give Hillary a radical makeover and she's inadvertently hit on by Bill." —David Letterman

"Congratulations to New York Senator Hillary Clinton. She is publishing her book of memoirs of her years in the White House. You know she was there for eight years. It's quite a volume, 600-pages, that's an enormous book. I mean, the thing weighs almost enough for her husband to date." —David Letterman

"Hillary Clinton has finished writing her book where she says her marriage couldn't be stronger, and Bill just finished his book titled 'Chicks I Nailed While Hillary was Writing Her Book.'" —Craig Kilborn

"Word has it that Hillary Clinton will finish her memoirs much earlier than Bill. Hillary's book is called 'Get Off Of Her and Start Writing.'" —Craig Kilborn

"The publisher of Hillary Clinton's memoirs, in which she received the largest book advance in history, are worried she is way behind. It's suppose to go to printers next month, she hasn't sent them a manuscript or even given them the title yet. But in her defense, fiction is a lot harder to write. ... To give you an idea of how far behind she is, she's only up to Clinton's 25th affair." —Jay Leno

"You may think you have a stressful job, but since she's been a Senator, Hillary Clinton, they say, put on 30 pounds. In fact, she has gotten so heavy that today Bill hit on her." —David Letterman

"Hillary Clinton has finished her memoirs for publication next year, while Bill has barely finished the first chapter. Well, in all fairness, fiction is a lot harder to write." —Jay Leno

"Senator Hillary Clinton had an embarrassing slip of the tongue the other day. After saying she had no intention of running for President, she said 'I'm having a great time being the Pres, I mean Senator from New York.' Later when she was asked about President Bill Clinton, she said, 'You know I've been married to that son of, I mean that wonderful man.'" —Jay Leno

"According to New York publishers, Bill Clinton will get more money for his book than Hillary Clinton got for hers. Well, duh. At least his book has some sex in it." —Jay Leno

"There was talk this week that Hillary Clinton was going to run for vice president.Now, I didn't know that you could run for vice president. But people were saying, 'Oh no, if it can be done, she's going to do it.' So now, Hillary is very busy denying that she wants to be vice president. I'm just thinking, doesn't it feel good to have a Clinton denying things again." —David Letterman

"Hillary Clinton, our junior senator from New York, announced that she has no intentions of ever, ever running for office of the President of the United States. Her husband, Bill Clinton, is bitterly disappointed. He is crushed. There go his dreams of becoming a two-impeachment family." —David Letterman

"Vanity Fair magazine reports that former President Clinton and Al Gore haven't spoken to each other since George W. Bush's inauguration. Not only that, Bill and his wife, Hillary, haven't spoken since Richard Nixon's inauguration." —Conan O'Brien

"Last night, Senator Hillary Clinton hosted her first party in her new home in Washington. People said it was a lot like the parties she used to host at the White House. In fact, even the furniture was the same." —Jay Leno

"A student from the University of Washington has sold his soul on eBay for $400. He's a law student, so he probably doesn't need it, but still, that's not very much. Today, Hillary Clinton said, 'Hey, at least I got some furniture and a Senate seat for mine." —Jay Leno

"It was reported today that a week ago Hillary Clinton officiated at the wedding of one of her long-time aides. There was one awkward moment. When they got to the point where they asked if anyone had a reason to object, Hillary got out her wedding album." —Conan O'Brien

"Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton is now facing a kind of personal dilemma. She can't decide whether to drop the name Clinton from her name, or drop the name Rodham. They can't figure out which one is more embarrassing." --Jay Leno

"Hillary Clinton is getting a little bit of controversy because she has the most expensive hometown office rent — over $500,000 a year. She's in a one-year lease in the office, as opposed to her marriage, which is on a month-to-month." --Jay Leno

"Senator Hillary Clinton is attacking President Bush for breaking his campaign promise to cut carbon dioxide emissions, saying a promise made, a promise broken. And then out of habit, she demanded that Bush spend the night on the couch." —Craig Kilborn

"Hillary said today that she knew nothing about her brother's involvement (in Clinton's pardons). I believe her. This woman didn't even know who her husband was having sex with. How is she going to know what her brother is doing? Six months ago, she just suddenly found out she lived in New York!" —Jay Leno

"Senator Hillary Clinton was (at Bush's speech).. And it was the first time that she was at a presidential address as a member of congress. Of course Bill loved it, it was like having a Hillary cam. He knew where she was the whole time. He was keeping an eye on her from the motel. 'Trixy bring me another brew, will ya? She is going to be about another 20 minutes.'" —Jay Leno

"Did you know Bill and Hillary Clinton were born under the same sign? Know what sign? 'For Sale.'" —Jay Leno

"Senator Hillary Clinton was there. And it was the first time that she was at a presidential address as a member of congress. Of course Bill loved it, it was like having a Hillary cam. He knew where she was the whole time. He was keeping an eye on her from the motel. 'Trixy bring me another brew, will ya? She is going to be about another 20 minutes.'" —Jay Leno

"President Clinton, this guy is sharp. Boy, he gave Hillary the most romantic Valentine's gift today, a huge rose garden. Where would he get that?" —Jay Leno

"Hillary Clinton is the junior senator from the great state of New York. When they swore her in, she used the Clinton family Bible. You know, the one with only seven commandments." —David Letterman

"CNN found that Hillary Clinton is the most admired woman in America. Women admire her because she's strong and successful. Men admire her because she allows her husband to cheat and get away with it." —Jay Leno

WAY too long to read. I'll wait for the movie.

Quoted: WAY too long to read. I'll wait for the movie.

It's a bunch of jokes, not one big one