Tell us your favorite hillbilly or cowboy colloquialism...

[ARCHIVED THREAD] - Tell us your favorite hillbilly or cowboy colloquialism... (Page 1 of 2)

Posted: 3/22/2006 7:40:14 AM EDT

I used to know a guy who had a million of these and wanted to write a book, but I guess he never did. Let's hear em.

"Darlin, you stank purdy!"

"Damn...she's purdyer than a shiny new pick-up!"

"She's purdyer than a speckeled pup!"

"That's wronger then two boys fightin over a sack of dicks!"

Posted: 3/22/2006 7:49:46 AM EDT

[#1]

Uglier than a lard bucket full of armpits
That'd puke a buzzard off a gut-wagon
I'm gonna beat you like a rented mule
She's so bow-legged she couldn't hem up a hog in a ditch
I'm gonna snatch your arm off and beat you to death with the bloody end
If a frog had wings he wouldn't bump his kiester when he jumps
If wishes were horses then beggars would ride
More nervous than a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs
Busier than a nickel whore on a Friday night
He's all hat and no cattle

Posted: 3/22/2006 7:52:14 AM EDT

[#2]

busier than a one legged man in an asskicking contest

happier than a queer with a bag of dicks

I'm so hungry I'd eat the ass end of a menstraul skunk

Posted: 3/22/2006 7:55:13 AM EDT

[#3]

Stupid as a monkey fucking a football.

Fucked up as a football bat.

Dumb as a soup sandwich.

She ain't no bigger than a minute.

Hungry enough to eat the ass out of a billy goat.

Tighter than Dicks hatband.

She's homelier than a mud wall.

Posted: 3/22/2006 7:56:57 AM EDT

[#4]

Hornier than a 3-dicked Billy Goat.

Posted: 3/22/2006 7:57:01 AM EDT

[#5]

That's like deer guts on a doorknob...

Posted: 3/22/2006 8:02:40 AM EDT

[#6]

purer than driven snow.

slow as mollasses in january.

Homely as a mud fence.

Posted: 3/22/2006 8:03:14 AM EDT

[#7]

She'd scare a bulldog away from a platter of meat.
Beat hard with the ugly stick.
Nervous as a long-tailed cat at a rocking chair convention.

I also once had to explain to a friend from New York that when her colleague from Texas said, "Ah tell you whut!", he wasn't going to tell her anything. [for other New Yorkers, "I tell you what!" is the equivalent of "Boy, that was something!", or "wow!"]

Posted: 3/22/2006 8:05:58 AM EDT

[#8]

Quoted:

I also once had to explain to a friend from New York that when her colleague from Texas said, "Ah tell you whut!", he wasn't going to tell her anything. [for other New Yorkers, "I tell you what!" is the equivalent of ~~"Boy, that was something!", or "wow!~~"]

Fuggedaboudit!

Whaddayoufugginkiddin'me?

Posted: 3/22/2006 8:06:49 AM EDT

[#9]

Drunker than a unicycle

Happy as a puppy with two peters

Hotter than a four-balled tomcat

Hotter than two rats fucking in a wool sock

Posted: 3/22/2006 8:07:10 AM EDT

[#10]

Hornier Th'na Three Balled Tomcat!

She purdy enough to stop a plow!

Darlin', I must'uv been a squirrel in a former life 'cause every time I see you I 'jis wanna bust a nut!

Posted: 3/22/2006 8:07:26 AM EDT

[#11]

honey, you look finer than a new set of snow tires

Man, she is uglier than a hat full of asshole

Posted: 3/22/2006 8:07:48 AM EDT

[#12]

Crazier than a mason jar of blue-bottle flies

Posted: 3/22/2006 8:07:51 AM EDT

[#13]

Quoted:
Quoted:

I also once had to explain to a friend from New York that when her colleague from Texas said, "Ah tell you whut!", he wasn't going to tell her anything. [for other New Yorkers, "I tell you what!" is the equivalent of ~~"Boy, that was something!", or "wow!~~"]

Fuggedaboudit!

Whaddayoufugginkiddin'me?

LOL

Posted: 3/22/2006 8:08:34 AM EDT

[#14]

Redneck foreplay - "Hey sis, are you awake?"

Posted: 3/22/2006 8:12:27 AM EDT

[#15]

dumber than a sack a hammers.

ugly as a gunny sack full of assholes

Posted: 3/22/2006 8:14:15 AM EDT

[#16]

Hey, guys! Watch this!!

Posted: 3/22/2006 8:21:03 AM EDT

[#17]

Hold ma beer.......

Posted: 3/22/2006 8:24:31 AM EDT

[#18]

Slicker dan' a double cunted cow pissin on a flat rock

Posted: 3/22/2006 8:26:09 AM EDT

[#19]

I'll kick a mud hole in your butt and stomp it dry.

Posted: 3/22/2006 8:26:12 AM EDT

[#20]

quieter than a mouse pissin on a cotton ball.

dumber than a box of rocks.

...ugly as a bucket of mashed assholes.

Posted: 3/22/2006 8:26:17 AM EDT

[#21]

How about "It's raining like a double-cunted cow pissin' on a flat rock"? My granddaddy used to say that.

Posted: 3/22/2006 8:27:57 AM EDT

[#22]

Oh, I just thought about another one...."Madder than a fag with tonsilitis on Valentine's day!"

Posted: 3/22/2006 8:33:20 AM EDT

[#23]

She's so ugly she would make a freight train take a dirt road.

That sucks like a 3 headed queer

If brains were dynamite, you couldn't blow your nose.

Som bitch is so dumb he couldn't poor piss out of a boot with directions on the heel.

Happy as a clam at high tide.

Posted: 3/22/2006 8:39:31 AM EDT

[#24]

Well,,there ya go

Posted: 3/22/2006 8:41:38 AM EDT

[#25]

That's slicker than 2 oysters fuckin' in a bucket of snot

Posted: 3/22/2006 8:45:14 AM EDT

[#26]

Raining like a cow peeing on a flat rock

Slick as owl snot.

Cute as a fart in church.

That went over like a lead balloon.

(From a DI at Parris Island) That's uglier than a sack of smashed assholes.

Put a knot on your head Clorox won't take off.

Stomp a mudhole in somebody.

Posted: 3/22/2006 8:49:33 AM EDT

[#27]

She's dumber'n a bag of hammers

Posted: 3/22/2006 8:53:48 AM EDT

[#28]

Oh, that dog just ain't gonna hunt!

D'jeet yet?

Aight

Fixin to ...

Posted: 3/22/2006 9:01:11 AM EDT

[#29]

I wish I could quit you.

Posted: 3/22/2006 9:02:51 AM EDT

[#30]

Useless as tits on a boar hog.

Posted: 3/22/2006 9:07:30 AM EDT

[#31]

"take ya out back and show ya how the cow ate the cabbage"

Posted: 3/22/2006 9:08:16 AM EDT

[#32]

She's sweating worse than a whore in church!

Dont make me give you a good ol country ass woppin!

I bet she could suck a golf ball thru a garden hose!

That woman could suck the chrome off a trailor hitch!

That bitch smells worse than a outhouse rat!

Posted: 3/22/2006 9:10:20 AM EDT

[#33]

I heard George Carlin say this in a stand-up thing he did on HBO...and I absolutely agree.

Any grown man who refers to his father as "Daddy"....is a complete fuckin' moron.

"My daddy once told me that....."

"Me and my daddy went fishin' last weekend at....."

Posted: 3/22/2006 9:16:51 AM EDT

[#34]

Bout' as sharp as a bowlin' ball that boy is.

Posted: 3/22/2006 9:19:27 AM EDT

[#35]

Makes about as much sense as white walls on a tractor.

ByteTheBullet (-:

Posted: 3/22/2006 10:37:46 AM EDT

[#36]

He was shakin' like a dog shitin' a peach pit.

Posted: 3/22/2006 2:09:34 PM EDT

[#37]

Meaner than a dog shittin' tacks
Tight as Dave's hatband
It's hot as a pistol!
That'd gag a maggot off the gut wagon
She could chew corn on the cob through a picket fence
Ugly as homemade sin
Katie bar the door!
Git'chu a horn o' that!(Itawamba County, MS)
Ain't got sense enough to get in outta the rain

Posted: 3/22/2006 6:56:49 PM EDT

[#38]

She could pull 20 pounds of vacuum on an onion sack.

Posted: 3/22/2006 7:02:04 PM EDT

[#39]

Wish in one hand, shit in the other - see which gets full first

Posted: 3/22/2006 7:07:30 PM EDT

[#40]

<spit> collo what now? Y'all yanks with your fancy words and such....

Posted: 3/22/2006 7:09:20 PM EDT

[#41]

Quoted:
I wish I could quit you.

DAMMIT! You beat me to it!

Posted: 3/22/2006 7:09:49 PM EDT

[#42]

Ugly enough to scare shit off a shovel.

She could scare a coyote off a fresh kill by spreading her legs.

Got a face that looks like 5 miles of gravel road.

She smells like where the whales go to die.

Edited to add: I can't believe I wasted my 556th post on this shit!

Posted: 3/22/2006 7:12:01 PM EDT

[#43]

faster than a spotted-assed leopard

Posted: 3/22/2006 7:25:11 PM EDT

[#44]

Don't squat with your spurs on

Posted: 3/22/2006 7:27:27 PM EDT

[#45]

she stinks so bad it'd knock a buzzard off a dung waggon.
thet boy's dumber than a box of hammers
my uncle is tighter than bark on a tree
he was plumb weak North of his ears
as crazy as popcorn on a hot skillett
he couldn't drive a nail in a snow bank
he got nothing under his hat but hair
feller was grinnin like a jack ass eatin cactus
he was grinnin like a weasel in a hen house
slicker'n snot on a doorknob

Posted: 3/22/2006 7:29:12 PM EDT

[#46]

COWBOY BOB'S GUIDE TO A HAPPY LIFE

1. NEVER KICK A FRESH COW CHIP ON A HOT DAY.

2. THERE'S TWO THEORIES TO ARGUIN' WITH A WOMAN. NEITHER ONE WORKS.

3. DON'T WORRY ABOUT BITIN' OFF MORE THAN YOU CAN CHEW. YOUR MOUTH IS PROBABLY A WHOLE LOT BIGGER'N YOU THINK.

4. IF YOU GET TO THINKIN' YOU'RE A PERSON OF SOME INFLUENCE, TRY ORDERIN' SOMEBODY ELSE'S DOG AROUND.

5. NEVER ASK A MAN THE SIZE OF HIS SPREAD.

6. IF YOU FIND YOURSELF IN A HOLE THE FIRST THING TO DO IS STOP DIGGIN'.
7. NEVER SMACK A MAN WHO'S CHEWIN' TOBACCO.

8. IT DON'T TAKE A GENIUS TO SPOT A GOAT IN A FLOCK OF SHEEP.

9. NEVER ASK A BARBER IF HE THINKS YOU NEED A HAIRCUT.

10. GOOD JUDGEMENT COMES FROM EXPERIENCE, AND A LOT OF THAT COMES FROM BAD JUDGEMENT.

11. ALWAYS DRINK UPSTREAM FROM THE HERD.

12. NEVER DROP YOUR GUN TO HUG A GREIZZLY.

13. IF YOU'RE RIDIN' AHEAD OF THE HERD, TAKE A LOOK BACK EVERY NOW AND THEN TO MAKE SURE IT'S STILL THERE.

14. WHEN YOU GIVE A LESSON IN MEANNESS TO A CRITTER OR PERSON, DON'T BE SURPRISED IF THEY LEARN THEIR LESSON.

15. WHEN YOU'RE THROWIN' YOUR WEIGHT AROUND, BE READY TO HAVE IT THROWN AROUND BY SOMEBODY ELSE.

16. LETTIN' THE CAT OUTTA THE BAG IS A WHOLE LOT EASIER 'N PUTTING' IT BACK.

Posted: 3/22/2006 7:32:35 PM EDT

[#47]

She's so loose I gave her a meat sleave.

I put in a ham and pulled out the bone.

Posted: 3/22/2006 7:36:45 PM EDT

[#48]

Quoted:
Uglier than a lard bucket full of armpits
That'd puke a buzzard off a gut-wagon
I'm gonna beat you like a rented mule
She's so bow-legged she couldn't hem up a hog in a ditch
I'm gonna snatch your arm off and beat you to death with the bloody end
If a frog had wings he wouldn't bump his kiester when he jumps
If wishes were horses then beggars would ride
More nervous than a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs
Busier than a nickel whore on a Friday night
He's all hat and no cattle

I've always heard it "that's bad enough to knock a buzzard off a shit wagon."

Posted: 3/22/2006 8:00:46 PM EDT

[#49]

higher than giraffe pussy

useless as bull pussy

Posted: 3/22/2006 8:02:53 PM EDT

[#50]

"Son, you'd rather sandpaper a bobcats ass in a phonebooth than to fuck with me."

[ARCHIVED THREAD] - Tell us your favorite hillbilly or cowboy colloquialism... (Page 1 of 2)

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