http://www.thephatphree.com/features.asp?StoryID=2135&SectionID=11


“You’re choice of drink says a lot about you, young man,” the wizened bartender told me. Looking around at the clientele of Longhorn’s, a bar off the lobby of the Ramada where I was staying, I didn’t much care.

“Most people order drinks without giving a thought to what others may deduce about them based on their choice,” said the erudite ginslinger. I took his bait and asked him to expound on his theory. His name was Randall. Over the next few hours, Randall held forth on his theory, drink by drink. I tried to keep some notes on a cocktail napkin, but I didn’t have a writing utensil. I tried to use a cocktail straw as a fountain pen, but that didn’t much work. Despite now being forced to work purely from my reliably shoddy drunken memory, I think it’s only fair to at least attempt to inform you, the loyal TPP reader, of what your respective drink of choice tells nearby compatriots, well-wishers, hangers on and other sundry acquaintances about your personality, according to Randall, a bartender at a San Antonio Ramada. After all, people can be so judgmental...

“Okay, Randall, what about...

The Bloody Mary - Good morning, you’re about to get drunk! The Bloody Mary is the gold standard of morning mixed drinks. Sure, there’s the Screwdriver and the Mimosa, but nothing tells the world, “I’ve got the week off,” like a Bloody, preferably garnished with a celery stalk the size of a baby’s arm.

It’s 10:40 A.M., and you’re on a flight to Columbus, Ohio to spend Christmas with the fam. What do you order to drink? A Bloody Mary. What else? It’s the morning after Thanksgiving, and you’re settling in to watch a college football game with your dad and uncle. What are you drinking? A Bloody Mary, that’s what. You’re in your second week of unemployment after being fired for embezzlement and you just decided you’re not even going to check the want ads, but instead will spend the day eating Doritos and watching “Cosby Show” reruns. How to celebrate your good fortune? With a Bloody fuckin’ Mary, that’s how.

The best part about a Bloody is that everyone has their own little secret recipe. Mine? Add a little lemon. God Bless America.

“Okay, okay, Randall. Pretty graphic, but a good point. But, how about the...

The Gin and Tonic – Drinking a G-n-T tells people three things about you: 1.) You’re a burgeoning alcoholic, 2.) You like gin, 3.) You won’t get scurvy in the near future. This drink is simple to concoct, and provides its mostly Caucasian fan base with a direct link to the imperialist British military officers in colonial India, who invented the drink to ward off malaria via the quinine in tonic water. Sure, the limeys could have just drunk the tonic water, but then they couldn’t have run around on elephants all day, stinking drunk, killing Indian people, and writing poems about their ugly wives back in Shropshire.

“And the...

The Gin and Soda – See above, except you’re also a vain bastard.

“Goopoint, Randall. Lisssten, could I get another...uh...what about the...

The Stoli and ________ - We get it, lady. You’re cute. But, you should know that nothing tells a guy that you’re ready to meld with him into The Beast with Two Backs like ordering Stolichnaya vodka and some sort of fruit/berry juice, (or fruit/berry-flavored Stolichnaya vodka and club soda). Why ‘Popov ‘n’ Cranberry’ doesn’t have the same ring to it, I’ll never know, but if you’re a girl and you’re on a date, and you order this drink... you’re sending a message.

“Randall, can I jusssay...that I respect you? What’s you’re take on the...

The Jack and Coke – Okay, you can afford to buy really good Tennessee whiskey, but you also prefer to ruin that whiskey by pouring Coke all over it so you can combine caffeine and alcohol into some super-intoxicating mega-cocktail. If you’re drinking this, odds are it’s in a plastic cup. Odds also are that your progenitors were, or knew, people who ran moonshine into Atlanta down from Carruthers Mountain and past Dead Man’s Curve in a ’36 Ford coupe. You may also be in a parking lot outside Neyland Stadium in Knoxville, Tennesse, listening to Montogomery Gentry and wearing chili boots. You may also be Barry Switzer’s dad... or Barry Switzer.


I have a problem.
“Cool. Listen can I get a Ketel One and Tonic? Ooh, okay, what about that?

Ketel One/Grey Goose and Tonic – You’re a douche bag.

“Dude, not cool. Okay, but what about, like the...

Strawberry or Banana Daquiri/Pina Colada/Rum and Coke –You are on vacation, my friend. No straight guy in his right mind would ever order these tropical drinks, (a.k.a., “Trops”), unless he was no farther than one hundred yards from a swim-up bar. If that’s the case, however, order up, because you are livin’ the life. Sipping on one of these guys while the sun burns your shoulders has to be one of life’s greatest pleasures. Just thinking of holding a frosty, plastic, hourglass-shaped cup filled with one of these drinks while smelling sun-tan lotion gives me a full-on semi.

Things began to get fuzzy at this point, so I rattled off a few in a row...

Mind Eraser – It’s your twenty-first birthday.

Kamikaze – It’s your twenty-first birthday.

Cement Mixer – It’s your twenty-first birthday and someone just told you what’s in a Cement Mixer.

Sex on the Beach – You’re a woman and are afraid you will die alone.

Sake Bomb – Fuck it, let’s get hammered.

Irish Car Bomb – You’re were a poli-sci major and like getting drunk off your ass.

Boilermaker – It’s 1928 and you’re in a speakeasy out by the railroad tracks.


Be these guys.
Flaming Dr Pepper – It’s your twenty-ninth birthday and you desperately wish it was your twenty-first birthday.

Jäger Bomb – Check out your striped shirt.

Records from the rest of my conversation with Randall are sketchy at best. Any others I missed?  

WTF is wrong with a rum and coke? (We call em' William Shatners at my dorm...)

Agree.

I will be talking with a guy and then he orders a bizarre drink and I lose all respect for him.

Or I think I have this guy figured out and then he orders a drink out of his class or region.

I am a bourbon & water guy, but will change with the occasion. Gin & tonics in spring. Other drinks for different holidays.

Men drink Whiskey.
Or Scotch.
Or Rye.
Or Vodka.
Or Gin.
If you're in the tropics, at sea, or in a trench, you can drink Rum.

Occaisionally a Martini. Never a "choclate martini" or any such fruity nonsense.
That's not a martini, that's just gay.
A Martini is Gin and a hint of vermouth.  MAYBE Vodka, but it's not really a martini.

Stick to the above mentioned brown or white liquors (not the chocolate).

Or beer.

If you have ever tasted a "Cosmopolitan", you're gay.
Rum and cokes are for children.

Last fall I was in Vancouver BC for training.  There is a chain there called the Cactus Club.  It's a bar/restaurant type place.  ther is one on front of the hotel I stay at so I decided to stop in.  All the waitresses/bartenders are about 20.  I ask ofr a Manhattan.  Her response "Is that one of theose old drinks?"  Luckliy the computer showed her how to make one.  Mostly what passes for drinks in those places are the icy slushy things.

I am officially an old fart.  BTW the chain was sued a few years ago when the fired a waitress for beig too old.  She was 26.

I drink Whiskey on the rocks cut with just a little bit of water. I love the taste of whiskey, but need to water it down just a little so I don't get drunk too quick.

I'm a douchebag.

A Manhattan's a nice drink on a cold day.

Quoted: Men drink Whiskey. Or Scotch. Or Rye. Or Vodka. Or Gin. If you're in the tropics, at sea, or in a trench, you can drink Rum. Occaisionally a Martini. Never a "choclate martini" or any such fruity nonsense. That's not a martini, that's just gay. A Martini is Gin and a hint of vermouth.  MAYBE Vodka, but it's not really a martini. Stick to the above mentioned brown or white liquors (not the chocolate). Or beer. If you have ever tasted a "Cosmopolitan", you're gay. Rum and cokes are for children.

+ f'n 1

Jeez!
Barely a mention of anything to do with Tequila.



... of course, its tough to rip on a guy who drinks decent Tequila, which is what the article was all about (the ripping part, at least).

Gin and tonic

once in a while gin straight, which I guess is a quasi martini...

Jack-n-Coke

Quoted: MAYBE Vodka, but it's not really a martini.

It worked for 007. jsut make damned sure it's shaken. NOT stirred.

Quoted: I'm a douchebag.

 Better hope someone doesn't snatch that one up as a sigline!

Quoted: Jeez! Barely a mention of anything to do with Tequila. ... of course, its tough to rip on a guy who drinks decent Tequila, which is what the article was all about (the ripping part, at least).

Tequila tastes like what's in the bucket after I mop the floor, and I don't care how high up the chain you go.

If I can't pour it out of the bottle and into a glass by itself and drink it I save it for company and relatives.

Quoted: Quoted: MAYBE Vodka, but it's not really a martini. It worked for 007. jsut make damned sure it's shaken. NOT stirred.

He's queer.

Knob Creek...straight.  Need I say more?  MJD

Johnnie Walker on the rocks or a beer, that's all i drink. A nice wine with dinner is great also.

I'm a bourbon on the rocks man myself

i drink beer (good beer too)

when i dont drink beer i drink scotch or sometimes gin.  that's the only way to fly

Quoted: Johnnie Walker on the rocks or a beer, that's all i drink. A nice wine with dinner is great also.

Red, green, or black label?  Too many choices.  And besides, after 5 rounds they all taste the same anyway.  MJD

So what does a black Russian mean?

On that list the only thing I drink is Gin and tonic.

Quoted: Quoted: Jeez! Barely a mention of anything to do with Tequila. ... of course, its tough to rip on a guy who drinks decent Tequila, which is what the article was all about (the ripping part, at least). Tequila tastes like what's in the bucket after I mop the floor, and I don't care how high up the chain you go. If I can't pour it out of the bottle and into a glass by itself and drink it I save it for company and relatives.

Your taste buds are for shit or you've never had good tequila. Porfidio tastes DAMN good alone.

I'll just keep ordering my vodka martinis (real dry, real clean, stirred...I hate those little ice slivers, and 2 olives) and yall can keep listening to a guy who is a bartender at a fucking Ramada Inn.


Post #223 in just under 4 years.

It's Friday; time for scotch!

Now I'm thirsty!!

White Russian - You're maintaining a strict drug regimen to keep your mind limber.

Quoted: Quoted: Quoted: Jeez! Barely a mention of anything to do with Tequila. ... of course, its tough to rip on a guy who drinks decent Tequila, which is what the article was all about (the ripping part, at least). Tequila tastes like what's in the bucket after I mop the floor, and I don't care how high up the chain you go. If I can't pour it out of the bottle and into a glass by itself and drink it I save it for company and relatives. Your taste buds are for shit or you've never had good tequila. Porfidio tastes DAMN good alone.

Busted. My taste buds ARE for shit, and so it tequila. You are welcome to any porfidio I'm entitled to!

Quoted: Quoted: Jeez! Barely a mention of anything to do with Tequila. ... of course, its tough to rip on a guy who drinks decent Tequila, which is what the article was all about (the ripping part, at least). Tequila tastes like what's in the bucket after I mop the floor, and I don't care how high up the chain you go. If I can't pour it out of the bottle and into a glass by itself and drink it I save it for company and relatives.

You don't drink tequila straight?  

Quoted: WTF is wrong with a rum and coke? (We call em' William Shatners at my dorm...)

It's called a Ted

Jaeger Bombs! YEAH! ...........hmmm what the fuck does that have to do with striped shirt??

Guinness


A beer so dark, light itself, cannot escape.

Quoted: Men drink Whiskey. Or Scotch. Or Rye. Or Vodka. Or Gin. If you're in the tropics, at sea, or in a trench, you can drink Rum. Occaisionally a Martini. Never a "choclate martini" or any such fruity nonsense. That's not a martini, that's just gay. A Martini is Gin and a hint of vermouth.  MAYBE Vodka, but it's not really a martini. Stick to the above mentioned brown or white liquors (not the chocolate). Or beer. If you have ever tasted a "Cosmopolitan", you're gay. Rum and cokes are for children.

Quite true, but I think just "Whiskey" (or "Whisky" if you're from Scotland) is sufficient to cover Sctoch Whisky and Rye Whiskey.  Not to mention Irish Whiskey, Bourbon Whiskey, Canadian Whisky and Tennessee Whiskey.  Manly drinks all (except Crown Royal, which is a ladies' whisky).

And some men drink Tequila and lose no manliness in the process.  Straight up, of course.

Quoted: Guinness A beer so dark, light itself, cannot escape.

you should send that off to the advertising department

Quoted: Quoted: Quoted: Jeez! Barely a mention of anything to do with Tequila. ... of course, its tough to rip on a guy who drinks decent Tequila, which is what the article was all about (the ripping part, at least). Tequila tastes like what's in the bucket after I mop the floor, and I don't care how high up the chain you go. If I can't pour it out of the bottle and into a glass by itself and drink it I save it for company and relatives. You don't drink tequila straight?

My tastes have had a radical change. I used to dislike Bourbon. Now it and dark rum- the darker the better, are all I really sip. When I try to drink MOST Scotch, I find it insipid. After a lifetime of drinking Scotch. Go figure. I really don't drink that much anyway, so I ain't picking up any internet gauntlets.

I guess im a douche bag too

A drunk douche bag at that.....

While I really don't give a rat's ass about what a hotel bartender thinks about my drink choice, I did spend a memorable afternoon in a Chinese restaurant being berated in Engrish by a waiter who felt it was his duty to inform my buddy and I that we were ordering "woman drink".  It never occured to him that we were merely working our way through every drink on the Polynesian page of the menu.  You know, the page with drinks like: Suffering Bastard, Bacardi 151 Volcano, Pink Squirrel, Mai Tai, etc.

With every order came the snide reproach: "You no drink dat, dat woman drink!"

To which our snappy riposte was "The hell you say! Bring it on, Quang."

Yeah, what's wrong with Rum and Coke?  My favorite is Captain Morgan and Coke.  Makes the coke taste like vanilla coke, and gets me right drunk.  Can't beat that with a stick!

The one an only, 2 fingers of single malt scotch.

7 and 7.

beer.  any beer.

Scotch.  Neat.   And don't give me some f(&$#ing blend.  Single malt.  No less than 12 years old, with an occaisional exception for Johnny Walker Blue, but only if there isn't a good single malt available.

That or a vodka martini.  Three olives (don't be stingy).  And the vodka better not be Absolut (absolute crap).

I can't drink much due to my heart condition.

But when I do, it's Jagermeister.

Just Jager. No water, ice, Red Bull, or other nonsense.

Av.

Quoted: .................. It never occured to him that we were merely working our way through every drink on the Polynesian page of the menu.  You know, the page with drinks like: Suffering Bastard, Bacardi 151 Volcano, Pink Squirrel, Mai Tai, etc....................

Wow, that brings back memories. I went to ROTC summer camp at Ft Riley with a friend, and they let us in the O club one Saturday afternoon. We started to do the same thing- I remember Jimbo got to Grasshoppers, said his mom mixed them for her friends. Fortunately they had a band playing Glenn Miller stuff and we began requesting tunes. They were impressed a couple of youngsters knew any of that stuff and complimented us. So we started buying drinks for THEM, which probably kept us from winding up in front of the CO.

Also had my first Coors, which left me about the hoopla (couldn't get it in the East then).

I drink Crown neat, unless I am at a decent bar which serves A.H. Hirsch 16 Year.

Quoted: Yeah, what's wrong with Rum and Coke?  My favorite is Captain Morgan and Coke.  Makes the coke taste like vanilla coke, and gets me right drunk.  Can't beat that with a stick!

+ Fucking 1

Strawberry or Banana Daquiri/Pina Colada/Rum and Coke –You are on vacation, my friend. No straight guy in his right mind would ever order these tropical drinks, (a.k.a., “Trops”), unless he was no farther than one hundred yards from a swim-up bar. If that’s the case, however, order up, because you are livin’ the life. Sipping on one of these guys while the sun burns your shoulders has to be one of life’s greatest pleasures. Just thinking of holding a frosty, plastic, hourglass-shaped cup filled with one of these drinks while smelling sun-tan lotion gives me a full-on semi.

Thats pretty funny, the only time I have ever ordered one was when I was in that situation. I was in the Bahamas, incredibly hung over, and swam up to the bar. I needed something that had some sugar in it and wouldn't make me puke any more, so I started off with a daquiri before moving on.

Quoted: 7 and 7.

thats my favorite mixed drink. If I'm not at a bar, then it's beer. Grey Goose is the best vodka ever, which is why I can't drink it (I end up hammered in about 40 minutes)

any liquor that I am going to drink gets ice or a touch of water at the most.  If it tastes so bad that it must be mixed I will drink something else.  Prefer either quality vodka w/ice or quality scotch.  Beer that I am paying for will either be Heinie or I will sample local micros in the right regions.  Will drink a dos or corona with mexican food.