Taken from a bunch of ER docs.


Tonight I learned yet another helpful life lesson from one of my patients. If you're on the street corner selling coke and you see the cops coming to bust you don't eat all your coke. Having been taught this valuable lesson I will now know better than to do this and wind up going to the ER in handcuffs, seizing uncontrollably, aspirating my vomit and doing all of this with a white powder moustache looking like and ad for "Got Coke?"

Stay away from people named "Some Guy" or "This One Dude", because they for whatever reason, just punch someone in the face or hit them with a crowbar and run off. If I see them on the street, I cross the street to get away from them.

Never, ever leave flashlights, shampoo bottles, beer bottles or any long, circular object on the floor because someday you will fall on it and it will somehow, work its way up your rectum.

Always wait until finishing your woodwork with the skillsaw prior to using your meth.

Don't swerve your Suzuki Samari to avoid hitting a squirrel in the middle of the road.

Don't road surf on the top of a moving stickshift car driven by your younger sibling with a learner's permit.

No matter how annoyed you are at being incarcerated dont slash open your scrotum and shove razor blades up your urethra. Now I know, who among us hasn't thought wistfully of doing that but it turns out that it's not a good idea.

Latex paint, despite being thick and creamy, does not coat your stomach and provide the same relief as pepto bismol.

Don't cut off your own penis and testicles with a knife...no explaination necessary.

If you are going to get into a fight, and have a prosthetic eye, make sure you take it out first.....and, for safe keeping, shove it up your vagina.....the, realize that you cannot get it out and go to the ED for removal (happened to one of the guys in my residency).

No matter how tough you are, don't cross the street when you are drunk because the moving vehicle always wins.

If you have taken 7 home pregnancy tests that are all positive, and you come into the emergency department...chances are that test too will come back positive.

Just because the nut fits around your penis when you are not erect, it doesn't mean it will fit when you are.

if you are given a prescription for narcotics wait until the rx is filled before you try to sell them...
pt yesterday with bs pain complaint gets rx for vicodin and trys to sell them over the phone(loudly) in the E.D. lobby..." they gave me 30 vicodin...how about $250? ok meet me here in 20 minutes".
pt overheard by staff who took written rx from pt and ripped it up in his presence.....

No matter how badly constipated you are, a vodka enema is not a good idea.

Drinking Pine Sol diluted in a 5 gallon bucket, shared with 5 friends, is not a good way to get drunk

Do not suck on snake bite so that you can spread the venom to MORE parts of your body....

Oh if you come in with a salsa jar in your rectum, don't give the staff a fruit cake as a thank you present.

When attempting a self-circumcision do not use dry ice to numb the area... and when the dry ice sticks to the... a.... area, do not attempt to remove the ice with boiling water.

If you get bit by a stray dog then be sure and go home, get your gun, and shoot five different stray dogs because you could not remember which one it was that bit you. Then be sure to bring all five dogs to the Emergency Room so that we can test them for rabies

Alcohol, table saws, and flannel shirts do not mix.

I had a patient come in the other day complaining that he had had Hepatitis B so long it had turned into Hepatitis C...

If, after 83 years of living the life of an uncircumcised man, you decide to dehood yourself with a steak knife, you prolly don't wanna wait 2 days before you let someone know things aren't healing too well down there!

Do not leave you methadone dose on the kitchen counter in a kids sippie cup where your 2 year old son can easily reach for it and chug down your days dose

Yes, we know you only had 2 beers. Was that 2 quarts, 2 six packs, 2 cases.........?

obese patient (400+ pounds) p/w left scrotal pain secondary to sitting on his own testicle.. further analysis shows the guy crushed his own twig and berries..

swallowing batteries gives you energy

the painless chancre of primary syphilis, the cauliflower-like growths of HPV, the blisters of herpes, and the urethral discharge of gonorrhea/chlamydia can, indeed, all exist on a single penis

it's possible to put a wooden toothpick completely through the palm of your hand.

Taking a whole bottle of diet pills at one time will not make you lose weight any faster for that date you have tommorrow night.

If you come into the ER in the middle of the SARS scare complaining of flu-like symptoms, it would be a good idea to mention IMMEDIATELY that you just came back from Hong Kong.

If you spend the whole night out drinking booze, don't drink any other liquids, stay up for 36 hours straight, then go sell some plasma to get more booze and gambling money don't be surprised if you get a little dizzy. Definitely don't call EMS to pick you up at the casino. And most definitely don't tell EMS to wait while you go cash in your slot ticket.

If it burns when you pee and you have the drip don't get angry at me for being the lucky one to tell you that you have GC. Furthermore, I don't care if "that bitch" swore she was clean. It won't change your current situation. When I suggest condom use in the future don't say (not making this up) "Well maybe that's OK for you but I'm a REAL MAN. I ain't using no thing."

You really shouldn't come to the ER because you have a bunion. You really shouldn't be on Percocet and Soma for your bunion. You really shouldn't ask me to refill your Percocet and Soma for your horrible bunion pain.

If you buy, steal, or otherwise obtain a new gun, DO NOT show if to your friend, wife, ex girlfriend, etc, because you will end up shooting yourself in the face, arm, leg, or ass.

If you suspect you have an STD, don't go to the ED with your girlfriend and tell the doctor your symptoms in front of her if she's not the one that gave you the STD. Don't act surprised, either, if she storms out of the room crying

After you fall and hit your head on the ice while trying to dig your car out of a snow bank by all means get angry and wedge your snowbrush on the gas peddle while you dig out the rear tires and then act amazed when you get run over by your own car.

if you're walking the dog and an unleashed pit bull suddenly attacks your dog, DO NOT get on your hands and knees and try to break it up. the pit bull will bite the tip of your nose off and possibly eat it, too.

If you've been stabbed in the head and blood is jetting out of your temporal artery taking a shower to wash off the blood before coming to the ER won't help.

Don't shoot yourself in the mouth with a crossbow.

If you're feeling sad and blue...
don't pick up a #2 pencil, put it in your left nostril and jam it in as far as it will go...
Be glad that it was very sharp though, because it will pierce the base of your skull, dissect through your midbrain, and elevate a major vessel without causing any damage.
[Neurosurgery borrowed a pair of Vise Grips (c) and yanked it out, he walked out 1 week later completely fine.]

If you fall off a three-story high ladder, you should definitely drink a fifth of vodka in your buddy's car on the way to the ED.

If you are an overmacho, testicle of a cop and you drag some drunken jackass that you've arrested into my ER don't expect me to be impressed by how you beat him to a pulp. I now have to sew his face and scalp. It would be like me taking a dump in your car that you have to clean up and wanting you to think it was way cool.


or, if you slip up with the nail-gun while descending a roofing ladder and shoot a 4-inch nail straight through your sternum, just pluck it out while driving yourself on in to the ED. i still can't believe this guy didn't hit anything serious

anyone see Grey's Anatomy last night?

I saw it...first thing I thought of was who on ARFCOM had built their own replica bazooka.

I have a million of these.



They leave dead people on gurneys in the hallways near the snack machines.  Unsupervised kids will find such gurneys and be traumatized for life.  Especially after showing all their new waiting room friends who will ALSO be traumitized for life.

ER Interns can be so overworked that they can be on the job for 6 months and not realize that the park the victim was stabbed in is directly across the street from the ER entrance.  The same park they sleep in their cars in between 12 hr shifts.

When you drop off a victim with $9,000 in cash on him, tell the head nurse about it, then find that after the guy dies they threw the cash out with the bloody clothing, the aforementioned head nurse will STILL bitch as you help her dig thru the contaminated waste bin.

Nurses wear very revealing clothing called "scrubs" and bend over a lot.

When a family member dies and all 37 OTHER family members are wailing in the treatment room, it's  always the treatment room next to yours.

When the primary care physician has a patient die,  and you ask him for cause of death, it's even money that they'll look at you and state:  I have no idea.  What do YOU think I should write down?

If your drunk enough, fight the police, and piss off the doc enough,  he will sew your ear back on without pain meds.

Another one from ER:
Don’t stick wire up you penis and then attach them to car batteries to get off. This guy now has a  catheter fro the rest of his life.

Um, Owww.

all very good advise, my buddy's mom was the head of radiology @ the local hospital, candles seem to find their way up an anus as well. oh and always keep a good grip on your dildo.

If you are a middle aged Latino man dressed in a ballerina suit complete with tights, it's probably not a good idea to show up at the ER with your 11 year old neice (who is also wearing a tu-tu) to complain about a matress spring that mysteriously got lodged in your rectum.

If you want to be the freshest smelling drunk in the world, try drinking about four bottles of mint flavored mouthwash before being found face down in an alley with a nice healthy BAC of right around 3.7. The whole ER will smell minty fresh for days afterward.

If you are a wizard with magical powers, it is best to reserve them for after you have been medically discharged. When you run out of the ER and cast a flying spell as you jump off the fourth story parking ramp the hospital will be held liable. The funny part of this story was, he did get to fly, but not until about 30 minutes later when the medivac chopper showed up to transport him to a trauma center.

Coem up wtih a smrat piil and slove awl theis problims.






rj

tag

WOW.........im going to show this to my gf.......................and she wants to be a nurse!!!hahaha, im also in MO. some nasy shit.

Do not have your buddy throw you any pneumatic nailing devices - especially ones that have had the trigger wired down so you can work "faster"  -  I pulled a 4" clipped framing nail out of some guys calf (It had missed the posterior tibial artery by about 2mm, and was completely embedded in the calf - I had to cut down on the nail head, which had sunk about inch lower than the opening in the skin, and pull it out w/ a clamp) while his buddy stood there alternately apologizing & laughing the entire time.

If you decide to get yourself very drunk at the neighborhood pizza joint on cold winter night and get kicked out, and your girlfriend has to drive you the two blocks home because you can't walk, and if your girlfriend wants to go back to the bar after she puts you into bed, and if you decide it's a good idea to get out of bed and go back to the bar, then do not choose to get in the old beater truck to drive back to the bar. But IF you do choose to do that, then do not speed down the same street you always drive down that has the left hand curve just before the bar's driveway, thinking that you'll have no problem navigating said curve. But if you do that, and aren't able to stay on the road, and drive off the shoulder and hit an electric box causing your truck to flip, go airborne and roll two times, landing on its roof thereby entrapping you inside said truck and causing you some pretty decent injuries including heavy bleeding; and if you decide that it's a good idea to assume a verbally and physically combative attitude toward the FD personnel and medics trying to cut you out of your truck, and if you think that trashing your arms around and refusing to lie still while being loaded up on the cot and put into the ambulance, and if the medics end up having to cut your clothing off to get to treat you, and if you are going to persist in resisting treatment efforts, and if the medics are directed to deposit you in the Emergency Room's major trauma room for treatment, then by all means, do not - I repeat - DO NOT, wear a goose down insulated coat. You will end up forever being known as the 200 pound asshole chicken that fought with everyone and got blood and feathers all over the inside of an ambulance and all over the trauma room.

Do not masturbate to climax when a foley catheter is inserted.  It WILL glue itself to the urethra, and require an intensively painful removal experience.

Quoted: Do not masturbate to climax when a foley catheter is inserted.  It WILL glue itself to the urethra, and require an intensively painful removal experience.

WTF, over

Quoted: Do not have your buddy throw you any pneumatic nailing devices - especially ones that have had the trigger wired down so you can work "faster"  -  I pulled a 4" clipped framing nail out of some guys calf (It had missed the posterior tibial artery by about 2mm, and was completely embedded in the calf - I had to cut down on the nail head, which had sunk about inch lower than the opening in the skin, and pull it out w/ a clamp) while his buddy stood there alternately apologizing & laughing the entire time.

LOL

If your going to play around with your "friend" please don't use a turned on maglite.

We got this patient one night. When the doc went to take a peek with the proctoscope he started swearing at the nurse for messing around with the light control. Then did a double take and asked me to flip of the light in the room. Guy's entire ass glowed red from the turned on maglite he had up his rectum. We couldn't stop laughing for the longest time.

Dont try to jack off with a hoover vacum. Your penis will get stuck and in your embarressed panic you will end up ripping it off.

True story from when my dad was a resident at the mayo clinic

Quoted: If your going to play around with your "friend" please don't use a turned on maglite. We got this patient one night. When the doc went to take a peek with the proctoscope he started swearing at the nurse for messing around with the light control. Then did a double take and asked me to flip of the light in the room. Guy's entire ass glowed red from the turned on maglite he had up his rectum. We couldn't stop laughing for the longest time.

Damn,  those things get hot after just a few minutes.  Nothing like the smell of a smokin colon.

my favorites from the ER were:

One transient came in totally passed out, unresponsive.. staff starts cutting off his clothes and red bagging them.. we get to his drawers.. this guy had shit and pissed himself so much that it was completely packed into his ass crack and around his twig and berries.  After some improvised chiseling by one of the er techs and a few deep breaths of fresh air, revealed a "pocket" of live maggots that were chowing down on his scrotum.. pretty much the entire thing and area from the scrot to his asshole.  Yes.. there were maggots in his ass folks.  -Pass a cracker anyone?

Another fine transient came in complaining of foot pain.  He had sprained his ankle a couple months prior to camping out on the bus stop and being transported into the ER.  Since he didnt want to get it wet,  this guy wrapped some towels and plastic bags around his foot, from the knee down.  The paramedics said that he wouldnt let them remove the "field dressing" until he got to the hospital.  We brought this fine example of a human into the shower room for some clean up and starting removing his god awful rotton clothing.   After we cut everything else off of him, we started in on the ankle wrap.   The nurse started cutting away the plastic bags and I swear they exploded like the sac on alien... I have never seen so many maggots in my entire life on a LIVE person.  There were so many that the entire floor of the shower room was completely moving.   Couple of gallons of bleach later and we were good to go.. the floor that is..  

The guy got to keep his foot, suprisingly enough... the maggots only eat dead flesh so they actually did the guy a favor.. without'em he would have gotten gangrene and died off.  

On a more serious note...  the hospital I worked for is a trauma center for the greater san francisco bay area.  They specialized in adult trauma, burns, and spinal injuries.   I cannot begin to tell all of the stories that made my heart drop, the sights of damage that humans can endure or inflict on themselves or others, or probably the worst, the smells of burning flesh or screams of folks being exam'd.  

There is not enough praise for the folks that do this every day.  

Tag for later.

Danny

When bashing somebody with the stock of your shotgun, keep your finger off the trigger.

I'll have to remember to ask my sister for any good stories.  She changed careers a couple of years old and became a nurse.

Quoted: Quoted: Do not masturbate to climax when a foley catheter is inserted.  It WILL glue itself to the urethra, and require an intensively painful removal experience. Having a catheter in just doesn't seem like the sort of situation that would inspire wood in the first place, let alone the 'need' to relieve oneself.

One would think not.

Yet, nonetheless, a true story from the "It happened on my call" files.

Wow, got a friend in hospital this stuff never ends.

One of the best threads ever.

Back in the good old days when the ER at the local hospital was a little more public.  In other words everybody came in the same door and what is now known as triage was oftern done in front of the folks waiting around on chairs.  My Dad escorted a drunk driver to the ER in the ambulance to handle the case as it evolved.  Well the Doc had him on the gurney and did a quick check with the light in the eyes.  Left OK right hmm, tapped it with his finger and the glass eye popped out and rolled across the floor.  No new heart attacks but the reactions were many and varied.

Quoted: Quoted: Do not masturbate to climax when a foley catheter is inserted.  It WILL glue itself to the urethra, and require an intensively painful removal experience. WTF, over

If the WTF is in reference to what is a foley, it is a tube inserted into the urethra (pee tube) passed all the way into the bladder.  This goes past the prostate where ejac would cause the semen to ooze around the tube.  When the splooge dries nice and crusty, it would glue the tube inside the urethra......    OUCH!!!

Quoted: I cannot begin to tell all of the stories that made my heart drop, the sights of damage that humans can endure or inflict on themselves or others, or probably the worst, the smells of burning flesh or screams of folks being exam'd. There is not enough praise for the folks that do this every day.

Dude, that was like my favorite part of residency.  J/K

Neat Story:  As a med student, I did a month rotation in a pediatric ER.  Saw a lot of stuff, but I had never seen the drug Ketamine used.  A 3 year-old came in with a deep cut on his hand.  Nothing serious was severed but there was no way they could sew it up with him shrieking.  They put in an IV and pushed some Ketamine.  In the span of < 5 seconds the kid went from uncontrollable tears to completely silent, staring off into space and drooling.  They sewed him up and he was on his way.  Ketamine is very closely related chemically to Phencyclidine (PCP).

Ketamine was probably my favorite drug in the peds ER.  Complete dissociative anesthesia.  Kids get stiff as a board, and the eyes move with some lateral nystagmus, very weird to see.  Like working on a living statue.  I always made sure to give some versed first, so they wouldn't freak out and have nightmares after.

Couple:

DON'T mind your own business....people who mind their own business are the ones who always get shot/stabbed.

If your foot is turning black and stinks so bad the nurses put you in isloation with a bucket over the foot, it is NOT going to get better on it's own.

If you are homeless and have corns or athletes foot, there is NO way the Dr. is going to admit you to the hospital just because it hurts.  Find your own bed and breakfast.

When you fall down and your foot winds up with the toes pointed towards your ass, your ankle is NOT 'just sprained', and it's gonna take some hardware to fix it.

And,

When you come in for a stubbed toe, it would be nice to tell the Doctor right away about the night sweats, sudden weight loss and coughing up blood you have had for several weeks.


AFARR

Read these stories but do not click on the link for the urethral vibrator video.  My mind is now damaged after watching it.

forums.studentdoctor.net/showthread.php?t=67019&page=2&pp=25

OMG this thread is great!!!!!

Quoted: Read these stories but do not click on the link for the urethral vibrator video.  My mind is now damaged after watching it. forums.studentdoctor.net/showthread.php?t=67019&page=2&pp=25

You oughta know better! That's the first thing these guys are going to click on!

as an EMT I learned that if you loose a plug-in dildo up your ass, you can wrap the cord around your balls to keep it from going further up.

being dispatched to a seizure at the grocery store will end up really being a guy laying down in the frozen food aisle with pants around his ankles and jerking off.