Sent to me by a friend of mine who is a restoration blacksmith:

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Fw: Basic Introduction to Tools

DRILL  PRESS:  A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat
metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and
flings your beer across the room, splattering  it against that freshly
painted part you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under
the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes  fingerprint whorls
and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say,
"Ouch....

ELECTRIC  HAND  DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their
holes until you die of old age.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal
your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available,
they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your
hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable
objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for  igniting  the grease inside
the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and
motorcycles, they are now  used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2
socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after
you  have installed your new disk brake pads, trapping the jack handle
firmly under the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward
off a hydraulic jack handle.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood  splinters.

PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic
floor  jack.

SNAP-ON  GASKET  SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for
spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog s**t off your boot.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known
drill bit that snaps off in bolt holes you couldn't use anyway.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the  tensile strength of
everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large pry bar that inexplicably has
an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See  hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a
drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin,"
which is not otherwise found  under cars at night.
Health benefits aside, it's main purpose  is to consume 40-watt light
bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used
during, say, the  first  few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often
dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:  Normally  used  to  stab the lids of old-style
paper-and-tin oil cans  and splash oil on your shirt; but  can also be
used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning
power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that
travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact
wrench that grips rusty bolts last over tightened 58 years ago by someone
at ERCO, and neatly rounds off their heads.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket
you needed to remove in order to replace a 50¢ part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is
used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts not far
from the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard
cartons delivered to your front door; works  particularly well on contents
such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector
magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.

DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage
while yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also the next tool
that you will need.

EXPLETIVE: A balm, usually applied verbally in hindsight, which somehow
eases those pains and indignities following our every deficiency in
foresight.....






 

I have a bunch of those tools!

Man... after working in a machine shop, I could make you a much bigger list.

Quoted: .................................... MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works  particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts and your thigh from knee to hip (if you're my dumb bro) . ............................

Now that is funny!

Gonna print that for my Dad!

God, I miss my workshop.

I see variations of this every few weeks on the .net
And every time I laugh my ass off having been there done almost all of them.

I have all those...and quite a few more...  

True stuff is the funniest! Bwaaa ha ha ha!

Laughing my ass off

That's quite suprising. I always thought Air Compressors were used to get your neighbors to call the police on you at 2 in the morning.

I also use my impact wrenches for breaking bolts that nuts are rusted onto. They're also very handy for making nuts hot enough to burn your hands.

love it

So true, so true...