I dont know why I must share this... something tells me though... Im gonna regret it (NOT KID SAFE!)

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[ARCHIVED THREAD] - I dont know why I must share this... something tells me though... Im gonna regret it (NOT KID SAFE!) (Page 1 of 2)

Posted: 1/4/2006 10:09:43 PM EDT

This story is true and UNFORTUNATELY another ARFCOMMER was there to witness it.

My buddy owns a condo and he had his tenant move out, His tenant told him "Whatever is in the garage you can either keep or give to the Salvation Army" ... there were lots of stuff in there. Among them a box... it had tools in them including a Makita cordless drill with 2 batteries, a recharger and other small useless handtools.

We are now replacing the appliances so Lowe's delivers them to the garage. We are opening up the boxes and realize I left my boxcutter knife in the upstairs in the condo, so we go looking through the box of tools to see if there is a knife... YUP found one... No blade. DAMN!

So as I scrounge in the box looking for a knife, I see, what appears to be a hammer handle.

NOPE.

Its a hunk of wood about 9 inches long carved into the shape of a JOHNSON.

I about got sick to my stomach wondering "WHO THE FUCK HAS THE TIME TO MAKE THAT AND WHAT THE FUCK ARE THEY GONNA DO WITH IT??"

There are some strange people in this world. BTW... stuck my hand in boiling water for over an hour and I STILL feel dirty!!

Posted: 1/4/2006 10:11:36 PM EDT

[#1]

He must have been Dutch.

Posted: 1/4/2006 10:15:33 PM EDT

[#2]

I would have added some bleach too that water

Posted: 1/4/2006 10:15:35 PM EDT

[#3]

Thanks for sharing doc, really. Glad I finished eating a while ago. Try alcohol or peroxide to get the stink off.

Posted: 1/4/2006 10:18:16 PM EDT

[#4]

hey whatever works for you. i prefer my wife but if thats what did it for the guy you cant knock it. maybe he left it for you guys as a hint??

Posted: 1/4/2006 10:19:07 PM EDT

[#5]

Quoted:
Thanks for sharing doc, really. Glad I finished eating a while ago. Try alcohol or peroxide to get the stink off.

Kinda like that flashy .gif that says you desrve a seizure, someone needs to make a moving spider .gif for frige.

Posted: 1/4/2006 10:20:40 PM EDT

[#6]

Did it have veins in it??

Posted: 1/4/2006 10:21:06 PM EDT

[#7]

Hehe....reminds me of my teenage job.

I worked at a Radio Shack, and during the Christmas shopping season, with a crowded store, this old dirty looking guy comes in. Smelled like crap, had stains on his shirt and a nasty beard. He's carrying a big paper sack.

Of course, luck has it I draw him and when he gets to the counter, he goes "I need a bunch of batteries". Ok, fine....we sell lots of those I say.

He then proceeds to dump out the contents of his paper bag on the glass counter - about 8 dildos and sexual "devices" including a very nasty looking fake vagina. Now, remember, this is a crowded store, women, kids, people on all sides. Everyone kinds of gasps and takes a good step back. He doesn't even look up at me, just starts unscrewing things and popping off battery lids and saying "Let's see, 3 D's, and this one takes 2 AA's..." and so on.

Half that store left in about 20 seconds, and I had to deal with freaky-deaky-hobo man. Creepiest shit I ever saw, and I scrubbed my hands afterwards and took a lime-shower.

True story.

Posted: 1/4/2006 10:21:50 PM EDT

[#8]

I might as well say it:

It was Bush's fault!

Posted: 1/4/2006 10:21:53 PM EDT

[#9]

See if you had been carrying a knife like any real man would........

You wouldn't have been left holding.......someone elses Johnson.

Posted: 1/4/2006 10:22:19 PM EDT

[#10]

Please ... in the future, refrain from handling another man's wood and then proceeding to post about it mmmkay?

Posted: 1/4/2006 10:22:48 PM EDT

[#11]

Did you smell it? I always give them a whiff.

Posted: 1/4/2006 10:30:28 PM EDT

[#12]

Quoted:
Did it have veins in it??

No but it had a hole drilled in it... My buddy's wife was just flippin out when we told her... she was just screaing not to touch ANYTHING in the house.... BWAH HA HA HA

Posted: 1/4/2006 10:31:27 PM EDT

[#13]

Quoted:
Did you smell it? I always give them a whiff.

What the???.... DUDE!!!!

Posted: 1/4/2006 10:31:27 PM EDT

[#14]

Quoted:
Did you smell it? I always give them a whiff.

I thought that was your dogs job!!!

Posted: 1/4/2006 10:32:02 PM EDT

[#15]

Quoted:
Did you smell it? I always give them a whiff.

Now that's funny

Posted: 1/4/2006 10:35:49 PM EDT

[#16]

Quoted:
Quoted:
Did you smell it? I always give them a whiff.

Now that's funny

DONT help him!! He's incorrigible!!!

Posted: 1/4/2006 10:37:09 PM EDT

[#17]

Quoted:
Did it have veins in it??

Besides, you really can't be taken seriously unless you sniffed it so you could give a much more meaningfull and descriptive post.

Or did you???

Posted: 1/4/2006 10:56:47 PM EDT

[#18]

Quoted:
Did you smell it? I always give them a whiff.

Sick dude, just sick.

Posted: 1/4/2006 10:56:49 PM EDT

[#19]

Quoted:
Quoted:
Did it have veins in it??

Besides, you really can't be taken seriously unless you sniffed it so you could give a much more meaningfull and descriptive post.

Or did you???

Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww....

Posted: 1/4/2006 10:57:19 PM EDT

[#20]

...wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!!

Posted: 1/4/2006 10:59:39 PM EDT

[#21]

Posted: 1/4/2006 10:59:44 PM EDT

[#22]

bring back memories?

edited ~ 82ndAbn

Posted: 1/4/2006 11:01:56 PM EDT

[#23]

DrFridge, saw this and thought of you.

Posted: 1/4/2006 11:02:26 PM EDT

[#24]

edited ~ 82ndAbn

Posted: 1/4/2006 11:03:24 PM EDT

[#25]

Quoted:
bring back ~~memories~~ NIGHTMARES?
edited ~ 82ndAbn

fixed it for ya!

No... this thing LOOKED homemade... like they "wittled" it

Why am I discussing this? What the fuck was wrong with me for even bringin it up??

Posted: 1/4/2006 11:06:39 PM EDT

[#26]

Quoted:
DrFridge, saw this and thought of you.

Oh I have seen those before... why do you think I hate spiders in the first place?? I about shit my pants when I got bit by a black widow... THSOE were the pics I thought of... THANKS A LOT... My nightmare... Spiders and wooden peckers!! BRING IN THE BIG SHOES AND TERMITES!!!

Posted: 1/4/2006 11:07:36 PM EDT

[#27]

HUH? You dream of spiders with wooden peckers??

Posted: 1/4/2006 11:07:57 PM EDT

[#28]

Quoted:
Quoted:
DrFridge, saw this and thought of you.

Oh I have seen those before... why do you think I hate spiders in the first place?? I about shit my pants when I got bit by a black widow... THSOE were the pics I thought of... THANKS A LOT... My nightmare... Spiders and wooden peckers!! BRING IN THE BIG SHOES AND TERMITES!!!

?????????????

Posted: 1/4/2006 11:08:02 PM EDT

[#29]

Well, you are and appliance repair man are you not?

Posted: 1/4/2006 11:08:12 PM EDT

[#30]

Posted: 1/4/2006 11:10:20 PM EDT

[#31]

Quoted:

+1

Posted: 1/4/2006 11:11:22 PM EDT

[#32]

Quoted:
Well, you are and appliance repair man are you not?

Why YES... YES I AM!!!

Posted: 1/4/2006 11:15:41 PM EDT

[#33]

Quoted:
Quoted:
Well, you are and appliance repair man are you not?

Why YES... YES I AM!!!

agent.point2.com/Features/AllianceProgram/images/Superhero.GIF

Said in your best Richard Simmons voice?

Posted: 1/4/2006 11:18:45 PM EDT

[#34]

Quoted:
Quoted:
Quoted:
Well, you are and appliance repair man are you not?

Why YES... YES I AM!!!

agent.point2.com/Features/AllianceProgram/images/Superhero.GIF

Said in your best Richard Simmons voice?

Ooooh that hurt bro... that really really hurt... I need ice cream now

Posted: 1/4/2006 11:26:04 PM EDT

[#35]

So..
Do you know Spiderman?

Posted: 1/4/2006 11:26:25 PM EDT

[#36]

cant stop laughing.

Posted: 1/4/2006 11:32:24 PM EDT

[#37]

Quoted:
Quoted:
Well, you are and appliance repair man are you not?

Why YES... YES I AM!!!
agent.point2.com/Features/AllianceProgram/images/Superhero.GIF

It must be all that living in Kali.

I wonder if he had a sudden compulsion to start stroking it?

Posted: 1/4/2006 11:40:49 PM EDT

[#38]

Quoted:
No... this thing LOOKED homemade... like they "wittled" it

Well, I’ll have to admit………….I’ve actually partaken in the “whittling” of a wooden “dick”.

In the Army we had a tradition called the “Burning of the Cock”. When we were out in the field grounded, and could not fly home due to weather, we would have a “Burning of the Cock” ceremony.

Our wooden cock was much larger than yours and fashioned from a suitable log found in the woods. Each member of the unit took his turn with a survival knife at carving out the symbol. Once finished it was erected upright in the ground, doused in JP4 and lit on fire.

Large amounts of alcohol were consumed at night while basking in the warmth of the burning cock, which never failed to bring with it on the next day clear weather to fly home.

Posted: 1/4/2006 11:51:21 PM EDT

[#39]

This is the dumbest yet funniest post in a while.

Posted: 1/5/2006 12:30:15 AM EDT

[#40]

Watch out for splinters

Posted: 1/5/2006 12:40:21 AM EDT

[#41]

Dude, sounds like you got...
WOOD...!

...

Posted: 1/5/2006 2:45:06 AM EDT

[#42]

I would have had to turn and poke my Buddy with it!!

Posted: 1/5/2006 3:07:34 AM EDT

[#43]

He might have been a collector....

edited ~ 82ndAbn
Taffy

Posted: 1/5/2006 3:35:14 AM EDT

[#44]

Someone's got to say it.

This post is worthless without...
Nope, can't bring mysef to say it. I just don't want to see it

Posted: 1/5/2006 3:53:42 AM EDT

[#45]

Quoted:
Did you smell it? I always give them a whiff.

Now I'm gonna be sick.

Posted: 1/5/2006 3:59:44 AM EDT

[#46]

Now I know what to do next time I move out of a rental.

Hmm... I wonder how hard it would be to carve a wooden vagina to go with it

Posted: 1/5/2006 4:08:49 AM EDT

[#47]

Quoted:
Quoted:
No... this thing LOOKED homemade... like they "wittled" it

Well, I’ll have to admit………….I’ve actually partaken in the “whittling” of a wooden “dick”.

In the Army we had a tradition called the “Burning of the Cock”. When we were out in the field grounded, and could not fly home due to weather, we would have a “Burning of the Cock” ceremony.

Our wooden cock was much larger than yours and fashioned from a suitable log found in the woods. Each member of the unit took his turn with a survival knife at carving out the symbol. Once finished it was erected upright in the ground, doused in JP4 and lit on fire.

Large amounts of alcohol were consumed at night while basking in the warmth of the burning cock, which never failed to bring with it on the next day clear weather to fly home.

Wow, and people say we did strange things on deployments. That is classic.