A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked
up behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine.

"What was that for?" he asked. "That was for the piece of paper
in your pants pocket with the name Laura Lou written on it," she
replied.

"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Laura Lou was the name of one
of the horses I bet on," he explained.

"Oh honey, I'm so sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a
good explanation.

Three days later he was watching a ballgame on TV when she walked up
and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which
knocked him out cold.

When he finally came to, he asked, "What the heck was that for?"

She replied, "Your horse just called!"

tag

HA!

Ankle Biter

True Story

My wife and I were playfully arguing recently and I said something
she didn't like.

"I ought to beat you up", she laughed.

"Ahh, you're not tough enough," I said.

"Ok, maybe I'll shoot you with the shotgun", she said.

"Oh please, it's only a 20 gauge, you'll need a bigger gun than that",
I sneered.

"In that case, maybe I'll just whack you with the frying pan", she said.

"I KNOW you don't know how to use that!"  I said.



Big, big, big, big, big, HUGE, big, BIG mistake.

Quoted: "In that case, maybe I'll just whack you with the frying pan", she said. "I KNOW you don't know how to use that!"  I said. Big, big, big, big, big, HUGE, big, BIG mistake.

Sooo...


What's her new favorite restaurant?

OR

How's the digestive problem treatment going?

A man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. So he walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment.

After they've had their fun, he realizes its 3AM and says, "Oh no, its so late, my wife's going to kill me.
Have you got any talcum powder?" She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home. His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty ****ed.

"Where the hell have you been?!"
"Well, honey, it's like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her."
"Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!"

She sees his hands are covered with powder and... "You God damn liar!! You went bowling again!!"

Things The Wife Doesn'T Use  
A wife arrived home from a shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed naked, with a lovely young thing. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her and said, "Honey, before you leave, please let me explain."

The wife stopped to listen. He continued, "I was driving along the highway, and I saw this young girl looking very tired and bedraggled, so I offered her a lift. She was also hungry, so I brought her home and made her a meal from the roast beef in the refrigerator which you didn't like. She was wearing some much worn sandals, so I gave her a pair of your shoes which you'd discarded simply because they were out of style. She was cold, so I gave her the sweater I bought you for your birthday - the one you never wore because the colours didn't suit you. Her slacks were torn, so I gave her a pair of yours that were perfectly good, but much too small for you now."

The wife seemed to have no problem with any of this, but still needed just one question to be answered. "That's all fine and good," she said, "but why did I find you both in our bed with no clothes on?" The husband replied, "Well, that's simple... see, as she was about to leave the house, she turned to me and asked, "Is there anything else that your wife doesn't use anymore?"

Suprise The Wife

After a few years of married life, this guy finds that he is unable to get it up anymore. He goes to his doctor, his doctor tries a few things but nothing works.

Finally the doctor says to him "this is all in your mind", and refers him to a psychiatrist.

After a few visits to the shrink, the shrink confesses "I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured."

Finally the psychiatrist refers him to a witch doctor.

The witch doctor tells him, "I can cure this", and throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke....

The witch doctor says "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say '1 2 3' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"

The guy then asks the witch doctor "What happens after when its over?".

The witch doctor says "all you have to say is '1 2 3 4' and it will go down". "But be warned it will not work again for 3 months!"

This guy goes home and that night is ready to surprise his wife with the good news... So he is lying in bed with her and says "1 2 3", and suddenly he gets a hard-on.

His wife turns over and says "What did you say '1 2 3' for?"  

Mad Wife Disease

As it was told to me:

God made man.  Man rested.
God made woman.  Man hasn't rested since.

I'm not sure what scripture that came under but I'm sure it's in there somewhere.

1st Timothy is the one to remember anyway.

Looking For A Wife
Two guys are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide.
The first old guy says to the second guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking
for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The second old guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking
for my wife, too, and I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

The first old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her. What
does she look like?"

The second old guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red
hair, blue eyes, long legs, big busted, and is wearing short shorts. What
does your wife look like?"

To which the first old guy says, "Never mind; let's look for yours."

Lost Wife
A man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

"Why?"

"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere.

Nagging Wife
An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.

One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on.

All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.

At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.

So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.

The old farmer said: "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement."

"And what about the men?" the minister asked.

"They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."

LIFE WITH THE WIFE

Being a man, I've never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differs so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing.

I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart. I have never figured out why the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil, when it hears the words "I do."

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't Feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said "WHAT????! ! ! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear .."You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'll just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings.

Let me tell you ...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck! I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even Know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey".

She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier".

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT??? ! ! ! "

I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for awhile. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman. "

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the THINGS that I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either...

A guy's getting married on Saturday. Friday night, his friends take him out, get him waylaid, bylaid, rolaid, mislaid, up, down, up, bing, bang, boom, forget it, his pecker is a mangled mess, he doesn't know what to do. He takes two popsicle sticks, puts them along side his dick, and wraps it with adhesive tape.
The next day he gets married. Here they are in their honeymoon suite... she walks out stark naked, and says, "Look, honey. Untouched by human hands."

He's gotta think quick...He pulls down his pants and says, "Look honey! Not even out of the crate."

Quoted: LIFE WITH THE WIFE Being a man, I've never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differs so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart. I have never figured out why the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil, when it hears the words "I do." FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't Feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said "WHAT????! ! ! What was that?!" So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear .."You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'll just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you ...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck! I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even Know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey". She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier". I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it." Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT??? ! ! ! " I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for awhile. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman. " And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the THINGS that I buy you?" Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either...

is this a true story?

Two women were in the veterinarians office. One had a Great Dane and the other had a Terrier. The woman with the Great Dane asked the woman with the Terrier what was wrong with her dog. The woman with the Terrier said that he was just so horny and humping everyone's leg so much she decided to have him neutered. The woman with the Dane said she had the same problem. The woman with the Terrier asked her if she was going to have the Dane neutered, too. She said, "No. I'm just going to have his nails clipped."

One day a woman reported the disappearance of her husband to the police. The officer in charge looked at the photograph she handed him, questioned her, and then asked if she wished to give her husband any message if they found him. "Yes," she quickly replied. "Tell him... Mother didn't come after all."

24Hours to Live


A man returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, the man asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, and they make love.

About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife says, "Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?"

Of course, the wife agrees, they do it again. Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only eight hours left. He touches his wife's shoulder, asks, "Honey, please... just one more time before I die."

She says, "Of course, dear," and they make love for the third time.

After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep. The man, however, worried about his impending demise, tosses and turns, until he's down to four more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses. "Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could . . . ."

At this point the wife sits up and says, "Listen, I have to get up in the morning. You don't!"

A woman found out that her husband was cheating on her while stationed in Saudi a few months ago. So she sends him this care package.
He is excited to get a package from his wife back home. He finds that it contains a batch of home made cookies and a VHS tape of his favourite TV shows.
He invites a couple of his buddies over and they're all sitting around having a great time eating the cookies and watching some episodes of South Park.
Right in the middle of one episode the tape cuts to a home video of his wife on her knees sucking his bestfriend's privates. After a few seconds, he does his business in her mouth and she turns and spits the load right into the mixing bowl of cookie dough.

She then looks at the camera and says, "By the way, I want a divorce."

Not wife related but..........

If Republicans would just shut up and let men marry men and let women marry women and agree with legalized abortion., Ther wouldn't be any Democrats in about three generations...........

Famous Quotes

The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it. -- Ann Bancroft

Any husband who says. "My wife and I are completely equal partners," is talking about either a law firm or a hand of bridge. -- Bill Cosby

Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards. --Benjamin Franklin

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way. -- HennyYoungman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. -- Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. -- Milton Berle

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. -- George Burns

When women are depressed, they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking. -- Elaine Boosler

I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There was water in the carburetor." I said, "Where's the car?" She said, "In the lake." -- Henny Youngman

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. -- Phyllis Diller

My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping. -- Rita Rudner

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. -- Henny Youngman

People are always asking couples whose marriages have endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success. Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman. -- Erma Bombeck

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you. "The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine."

How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.

A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.

There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a golf club after a round, showering and getting changed for the 19th hole. Suddenly a mobile phone on one of the benches rings. One of the men picks it up, and the following conversation ensues:

(H - Husband, W - Wife)

H - "Hello?"

W - "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

H - "Yes."

W - "Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a
beautiful leather coat. It's absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"

H - "What's the price?"

W - "Only £1,000."

H - "Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much..."

W - "Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2004 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman, and he gave me really good price .. and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year..."

H - "What price did he quote you?"

W - "Only £60,000..."

H - "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

W - "Great! But before we hang up, something else..."

H - "What?"

W - "It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and I
stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we had
looked at last year. It's for sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English
Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property."

H - "How much are they asking?"

W - "Only 450,000 - a magnificent price...and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover."

H - "Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid up to £420,000. OK?"

W - "OK, sweetie...Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"

H - "Bye, I love you too."

The man hangs up and closes the phone's flap. The other men are looking at him in astonishment and derision. The husband raises his hand while holding the phone and asks,

"Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

A husband and his wife take a day trip to the local zoo.

As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla goes ape. He jumps up on the bars, grunting and pounding his chest. He’s obviously quite excited about the man’s pretty wife in the wavy, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps.

The husband, noticing the gorilla's excitement, suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and play along. The wife obliges.

Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall. Now, Mr. Gorilla is about ready to tear the bars down in excitement. The husband further encourages his wife to lift her dress to show a little leg. This, too, drives the gorilla absolutely crazy.

The husband quickly grabs his wife, rips open the door to the gorilla cage, slings her in with the ape and exclaims, "Now, try telling HIM you have a headache!"

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.



At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man."



Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.



A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."



Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?

Dad: That happens in every country, son.



Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."



After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."



A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."



A woman was telling her friend, "It is I who made my husband a millionaire." "And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend. The woman replied, "A billionaire."



"The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it."



The groom, upon his engagement, went to his father and said, "I've found a woman just like mother!" His father replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy ?"



When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.



Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.



Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.



If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every Word you say, talk in your sleep.



I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.



It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.



Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.



A man was complaining to a friend: "I had it all - money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman; then, Pow!, it was all gone!" "What happened?" asked his friend. "My wife found out..."



A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife "Martha, pack up your things! I just won the California lottery!" Martha replies, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?" The man responds, "I don't care, just so long as you're out of this house by noon!"



I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months -- I don't like to interrupt her.



Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.



You know the honeymoon is pretty much over when you start to go out with the boys on Wednesday nights, and so does she.



During a heated spat over finances the husband said, "Well, if you'd learn to cook and were willing to clean this place, we could fire the maid." The wife, fuming, shot back, "Oh yeah??? Well, if you'd learn how to make love, we could fire the chauffeur and the gardener."



Personally, I think one of the greatest things about marriage is that as both husband and father, I can say anything I want to around the house. Of course, no one pays the least bit of attention.



We have a young couple in the neighborhood who are truly inseparable. Last week, it took four policemen and a dog.



According to the latest surveys, when making love, most married men fantasize that their wives aren't fantasizing.



Husband: Want a quickie?

Wife: As opposed to what?



A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.



My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends.



A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine."



A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can have whatever he wants, provided that his mother-in-law gets double. The man thinks for a moment and then says, "OK, give me a million dollars and beat me half to death."



Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.



How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.



A couple was having a discussion about family finances. Finally the husband exploded, "If it weren't for my money, the house wouldn't be here!" The wife replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your money, I wouldn't be here."



A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.



The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.



Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute.



First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."



Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.

Quoted: True Story My wife and I were playfully arguing recently and I said something she didn't like. "I ought to beat you up", she laughed. "Ahh, you're not tough enough," I said. "Ok, maybe I'll shoot you with the shotgun", she said. "Oh please, it's only a 20 gauge, you'll need a bigger gun than that", I sneered. "In that case, maybe I'll just whack you with the frying pan", she said. "I KNOW you don't know how to use that!"  I said. Big, big, big, big, big, HUGE, big, BIG mistake.

A man has been feeling sick for a few days so he goes to the doctor.  The doctor examines him and says I think I know what is wrong, may I please talk to your wife though.  The man goes and gets his wife and leaves her and the doctor alone.  The doctor tells the wife.

"Your husband has a rare and fatal disease, but there is hope.  It will not be fatal if you give him a blow job once a day."  

The wife says she understands and goes out to see the husband.

"What did the doctor say, honey" says the husband

She replies




"You are going to die"

No Comment

But, Tag

BTT

__

A man went to see his Rabbi. He stated in a very serious tone, ""Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."

The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"

The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asked, "How can that be?"

The man then pleaded, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"

The Rabbi then said, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her. I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."

A week later the Rabbi called the man and said, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"

The man anxiously replied, "Yes."

"Take the poison," said the Rabbi.

One day, after a long time in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls out, "Lord, I have a problem."

"What's the problem, Adam?", The Lord replies.

“Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded me with this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but I'm just not happy."

"Why is that, Adam?", comes the reply from the heavens.

"Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely food and all of the beautiful animals, but I am lonely."

"Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a 'woman' for you."

"What's a 'woman', Lord?"

"This 'woman' will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and beautiful creature I have ever created. She will be so intelligent, she can figure out what you want before you want it. She will be so sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to make you happy. Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth. She will unquestioningly care for your every need and desire. She will be the perfect companion for you.", replies the heavenly voice

"Sounds great."

"She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam."

"How much will this 'woman' cost me Lord?", Adam replies.

"She'll cost you a leg, an arm, an eye, an ear."

Adam ponders this for some time, with a look of deep thought and concern on his face. Finally Adam asks the Lord, "Uh, what can I get for a rib?"

Qualifying For Heaven

Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together
at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven,
they would each have to answer one question.

St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked,
"What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg?
They just made a movie about it."
The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic."
St. Peter let him through the gate.

St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't *really* need
all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question
a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?"

Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie.
"1,228," he answered.
"That's right! You may enter."

St. Peter turned to the lawyer. "Name them."

"The Honest Wife"

A man who was driving a car with his wife was stopped by a police officer. The following exchange took place.

The man says, "What's the problem, officer?"

Officer: "You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone."

Man: "No sir, I was going 65."

Wife: "Oh, Harry. You were going 80." (The man gave his wife a dirty look.)

Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken taillight. "

Man: "Broken taillight? I didn't know about a broken taillight!"

Wife: "Oh Harry, you've known about that taillight for weeks." (The man gave his wife another dirty look.)

Officer: "I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt."

Man: "Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car."

Wife: "Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt."

The man turned to his wife and yelled, "SHUT YOUR MOUTH!"

The officer turned to the woman and asked, "Ma'am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?"

The wife said, "No, only when he's drunk."

Quoted: Looking For A Wife Two guys are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide. The first old guy says to the second guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going." The second old guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too, and I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate." The first old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her. What does she look like?" The second old guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, big busted, and is wearing short shorts. What does your wife look like?" To which the first old guy says, "Never mind; let's look for yours."

Hell yah! That's the one I'm looking for also!

THE MOTHER-IN-LAW!
       A man, his wife and mother-in-law went on vacation to the Holy Land.  While they were there the mother-in-law passed away. The undertaker told them, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150.OO."  

       The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.  The undertaker asked, "Why? Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and spend only $150.00?  The man said, "A man died here 2000 years ago, he was buried here and three days later he rose from the dead.  I just can't take that chance."

THE PASTOR'S ASS

       A pastor wanted to raise money for his church and, on being told there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to buy one and enter it in the
races. However, at the local auction, the going price for a horse was so  high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He thought that since he had
it he might as well go ahead and entered it in the race and, much to his surprise, the donkey came in third.  The next day the local paper carried
this headline:

       PASTOR'S ASS SHOWS


       The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the  race again, and this time it won.  The local paper read:

       PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT

       The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.  The next day, the
local paper headline read:

      BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS


       This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.  The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:

      NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN

       The Bishop fainted.  He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for ten dollars.  The next day, the paper read:

     NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10


       This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.  Headlines
read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE
       The Bishop was buried the next day.