User Panel
Posted: 12/13/2005 9:36:52 AM EDT
I thought these were worth sharing . . . enjoy!
Things You'd Love to Say Out Loud at Work 1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of crap. 2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce. 3. How about never? Is never good for you? 4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public. 5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way. 6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter. 7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message. 8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant. 9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a damn word you're saying. 10. Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again... 11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid. 12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers. 13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a damn. 14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth. 15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you. 16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view. 17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist. 18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental. 19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks! 20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant. 21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off. 22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial. 23. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...? 24. Do I look like a people person? 25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting. 26. I started out with nothing &still have most of it left. 27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer. 28. If I throw a stick, will you leave? 29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed. 30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed. 31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality. 32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door. 33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1? 34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses. 35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it? 36. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done. 37. How do I set a laser printer to stun? 38. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary. 39. Who lit the fuse on your tampon? 40. Oh I get it... like humor... but different. Disconnector |
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41: "I could eat a box of Alpha Bits and CRAP a better idea than that."
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I walk into work and see pretty receptionist and I say, "What are you doing at the front desk? I have your new desk ready underneath mine."
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Said that many times. |
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If I get tenure, I will make a conscious effort to say ALL of those in one day - preferably at a faculty meeting. |
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Here's my favorite:
"The Gov't is expecting us to set up an escort service." It's true, too. Eventually, it will end up in the contract..... Merlin |
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are you familar with Bullshit Bingo?????? |
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I like it |
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awesome list..
"I picked one hell of a day to stop sniffin glue" |
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42. Fuck you, I quit.
(said after winning the lottery or otherwise acquiring a large sum of money) |
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Damn, you took mine. |
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Yep. CR |
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I say this all the time, I am a consultant. |
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I know you think you're speaking English, but it just comes across as pops and clicks...
I can't help stupid - I do say this a bunch |
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My favorite will be " here is my resignation".
Which hopefully will be coming soon...... |
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My current expression of disbelief: "You're FUCKING me!"
I have no idea where I picked that one up. |
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I have used some of those, eso the Ahhh looks like the screw up fairy has been here agian,
and what I told our plant engineer awhile back, No, I think you and few others up front need to take a damn reality pill. |
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+1 |
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Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, I like you, fuck you fuck you.......
All while pointing at co-workers. |
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That is what I love about working construction. I get to say all those things and more to my coworkers. I would never talk that way to a customer, but my coworkers are fair game. I actually used the "nice perfume, must you marinate it" on a "woman" I work with.
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I had my job eliminated last year, when a new sales manager took control of our group, a ten man group of regional VP's like myself. He pissed off everyone, when in his introductory meeting, he trashed our boss (the guy he was replacing), and generally tried to intimidate us.
I was later asked to write an exit interview letter. Here are a few paragraphs from that letter. I was later emailed from a person in Human Resources who let me know it would definitely be passed "up the line" within my group.
I really wish I had the chance to say all of this to the guy's face. One year later, their sales are in the toilet, and nearly everyone present at that meeting has either been run off or has resigned. The guy has essentially gutted the place, with no results to show for it. What an assclown. |
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Heh....you should see where I work. My boss wonders why he ever hired me...my co-workers wonder why the hell I'm not either running the joint or doing standup...the CEO just thinks I'm this crazy guy who may or may not mean him harm... Fun times, lemme tell ya... |
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Not my current job, but things I would have liked to have said to asshats in my previous AFSC.
"Well of course, you're a fucking idiot." and "Go fuck yourself, how bout that?" also, more of a gesture- "OK!" then give them a thumbs up with an enthusiastic smile, then go thumbs down with a loud and obnoxious fart sound. |
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"FUCK YOU YOU FAT, LAZY, PIECE OF SHIT!!!" oh i said that today......and believe me, i felt better.
jake |
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"Eat a dick."
"I didn't know they made sperm burpers like you anymore." "Don't say the word "work", It offends me." Chris Edited to add: I misread the title. I thought it said things that you DO say at work, not things you would like to say. I have said the above many times at work. |
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"I've got something you can stick in your mouth baby"
Use that one quite often. OR "Come into my office, take off your clothes and we'll talk about it" |
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Oddly enough, I've heard or said most of those while at work.
It's nice working in a personality cult; everyone gets your sense of humor. |
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"This project is a 'no-brainer'? Then you're eminently qualified for it"
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I once had to fix a coworker's mess. While struggling with it one afternoon, he dropped by to ask me how it was going. I quietly informed him, "You must be great at kissing ass, because you're fucking worthless for anything else."
He loved it, and even told some of the other guys in the office. Sadly, although I liked him as a conversationalist, I was not joking. |
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I've said this to one of the chocolate heart inmate councelors at work" I don't know if you are privey to this information, but they're(inmates) not here on scholarship"
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Sigline material right here folks . . . Disconnector |
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Other then merely possessing a vagina, do you have any REAL skills???
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hi boss,
i hit the powerball last night and i quit. by the way 80% of the people working for you are incompetant idiots and i took a dump on your desk. have a nice day! |
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See my sig line.
By the way, they have really good doughnuts at the sensitivity training they send me to every couple of months. |
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