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Posted: 9/26/2005 9:26:04 AM EDT
Received this in an email. Thought you might enjoy it.
One Woman's Tale of Woe- All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - The epilady, scissors,razors, Nair and now...the wax. My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: "Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet." So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!) So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ("Cold wax," yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works! OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire. With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my vagina and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek. (Yes, it was a long strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself.........RRRRIIIPPP!!!! I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!.... OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!! Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP!!! Another deep breath and RRIIPP!! Everything is swirly and spotted. I think I may pass out...........must stay conscious...Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal. I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip! There's no hair on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX??? Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am touching wax. CRAP! I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG mistake.......remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down. DAMN!!!!!!!! I hear the slamming of a cell door. Vagina? Sealed shut! Butt?? Sealed shut! I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!" What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right??? *WRONG!!!!!!!* I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit. Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax. So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cement-epoxied myself to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!! I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter - "So, my butt and who-ha are glue together to the bottom of the tub!" There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks or hole or who-ha?" She's laughing out loud by now.....I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night. While we go through various solutions. I resort to scraping the wax off with a razor . Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!! By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event. My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!! The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend. It's sooo painful, but I really don't care. "IT WORKS!! It works !!" I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair....THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!. So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point. Next week I'm going to try hair color...... |
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Yeah, another reason why I am so happy to have been born with a pair of unlike chromosomes.
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I have a similar story about a rotary nose hair trimmer....not for the weak.
roy d....fur free...at least as far as a nostril can be! |
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My sister in-law came over rolling one day. come to find out that her boyfriend used something called nadds to remove the hair from his boys. He left it on too long and got Chemical burns On his twig and berries.
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I didn't know she had my email address! (The story came through my email.) |
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Never put something designed to melt hair on your junk......... |
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Yeah, Gabby's was very entertaining, although this one sounds a hell of a lot more painful. +1 on painful rotary nose trimmer stories, although never as bad as this disaster. |
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pffft.. she's a quitter. |
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Remember the Nads commercial on TV? The green snot looking goop the lady spreads on, applies a strip of cloth and yanks off?
Well, my daughters, 15 and 13 at the time, talked their Mom into getting them some. I remember hearing the screams from the bathroom as they each did the first yank. That was the end of Nads usage in our house. The box is still under the bathroom sink. I suppose the jar is still in there, but I haven't figured out a use for it yet. Apply to the inside of a tire to stop up slow leaks? Glue shingles down that have been blown up by storms? Any suggestions? |
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*Sigh...*
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I love that story. |
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That was soo funny! I hope my wife didnt hear me burst in to laughter!
Ohh, I mean i'm sorry that you had a poor experience with your quality waxing product. BTW what brand was it so I can screen the bathroom products. |
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Yes. Definitely. I kissed my Mach III after that experience. |
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Wasn't there a video on bigboys.com or some other video server that was a long series of chicks getting waxed? It was funny as hell.
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Gentlemen. If, for some ungodly reason, a female in your household decides to do this kind of sick, masochistic shit... Just go into the other room, and remain quiet. Very quiet. Do not laugh. Do not snicker. For God's sake, do not point.
Some of them don't take kindly to mid-wax ridicule. And some of them seek revenge. And that is all I will say. I try to block the painful memories. |
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Gabby, I *did* pass on the recommendation to have a professional job done the first time...
After that, you can maintain it yourself at home with much less trouble. -Troy |
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Ya. Weel, after that experience, my razor looks a lot friendlier. |
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I know i shouldnt laugh but damn thats some funny shit.
Reminds me of that scene in that one mel gibson movie where hes waxing his legs and goes damn women are crazy. |
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I love these threads. They help keep my ammo & toy supply current.
Support your local Laser/Electrolysis, permanent & painless, hair removal specialist. MsParshooter has been doing this for over 10 years now. |
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