Posted: 9/23/2005 2:12:01 PM EDT
[#4]
Now he and Penn are talking about commandeering private jets, helicopters and weapons for a grand mission into hell that begins tomorrow.
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I'd like to see Penn try and commandeer someone's private shit. Doug gets out of the car and shouts his name over the gates, thereby preventing us from being shot at. We'd made no arrangements in advance and instead were just hoping to be invited in once we arrived. After a pause, the gates open for Doug and a pair of soldiers come out to greet us. One points to the gigantic machine gun he is carrying.
"You see this?" he says. "This's called a street sweeper. This is what you need here."
I smile at him in a manly way, as if to say, yes, of course, I left mine at home by accident. He nods back. We are cool.
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No you're not, you fuck. You're a tard, and that's it. Fast soon gets a chance to snap into action. The house has no running water, and when I go to use the facilities, the toilet backs up. The Attorney is summoned to the scene, and he interrogates me in great detail about how I had flushed. Then, satisfied with my answers, he considers the situation, scratching his chin.
"We've got to get a plunger," he says.
Since there is no plunger in the house, it is decided that an armed detail must be dispatched to procure one. A general alarm is sounded and the guards begin filing into the living room and grabbing shotguns off the floor. Sean immediately volunteers to go out on the mission as well and disappears into the living room with the rest of the team.
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"My kingdom for a plunger." My, how well prepared this group was. Supposedly-former-spec ops types, weapons and ammo everywhere, and their whole fucking world comes to a screeching halt because.......they don't have a plunger. Color me unimpressed. By the time we get there, night has fallen. The good pastor is strapped, carrying a Rueger automatic. As we head deeper into the neighborhood, he actually draws his gun and carries it at his side as he walks.
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Gotta love those 'Reuger' automatics. Willie goes on to explain that most of these neighborhoods are going to be condemned, and that people will be asked to sell their properties: "They're getting all of y'all out of state, sending you to different parts of the country. And they're hoping you don't hold on to what you've got. They're hoping you take the money and move. And then they'll bring in the developers, and they'll make new neighborhoods, with a new tax base."
I am about to interrupt here, but white guilt slaps a hand over my mouth. What am I going to say -- that white people aren't dastardly enough to blow a levee on purpose? This is the wrong audience for that joke. As for the rest of it, it rings unpleasantly true. Deep in my white heart I can appreciate the brutal logic of shipping 300,000 blacks out of town and hoping they stay away at a barbecue somewhere while you auction off their houses. I am definitely not going to argue with that part of it.
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Yup, the mayor of N.O. is a white guy. I'll stop there before I start jumping up and down in the office like Yosemite Sam and ranting like a lunatic.
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