Military decided to adopt a new retirement plan.. they were offering up a one time settlement based on body measurements, $1000 per inch.
First guy goes up to be measured and they ask "How would you like to be measured?" He states, "From the tip of my toes to the top of my head!"
"Alright, that's 72", here's $72,000"
Second man steps up and they ask, "How would you like to be measured?" He puts his arms straight up in the air and says "Tip of my toes to the tip of my fingers!"
"Alright, that's 83", here's $83,000"
Third guy walks up, bit of an old timer.. and is asked "How would you like to be measured?" He states, "From the head of my dick to the back of my balls!"
Shocked they ask, "Sir, now you do realize this is per inch correct??" He states "Yep."
Man gets down to measure and says "Holy shit, where the f**k are your balls???"
Old timer states.....
"Back in Vietnam!"
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Paul and Mary Ellen get together weekly in the retirement home to chat and keep one another company. One day Paul asks Mary Ellen, "It hasn't worked in a very long time and I know I wouldn't be able to do anything with it........ but would you please just hold it for me?"
Mary Ellen's slightly uncomfortable about this but after some gentle prodding from Paul she finally agrees.
So, every week for the next 2 months Mary Ellen and Paul get together and as they chat, Mary Ellen simply holds "him".
One day Mary Ellen walks in to find Betty holding Paul!
"What on earth is going on??? I thought this was our special arrangement!"
"Mary Ellen! Why, I never expected you to find out about this...... I'm so sorry!!"
Mortified Mary Ellen asks "What on earth does she have that I don't?????"
To which Paul replies with a grin "Parkinsons!"
ETA:
Not KGB but still damn funny