A little background:

[Edit] - sorry, but I really shouldn't leave this up - since people have gotten their asses fired for less.

But I will leave you with one more little gem:

Customer intimacy is much more than a marketing initiative.  Central to customer intimacy is the idea of TouchPoints.

Quoted: Smith admired the immediate applicability of the curriculum; for example, conducting productive meetings. “This section had the most ‘aha’ moments,” he said. “It helps us get big pieces of our workday back.”

They'd get a big piece of their workday back if they spoke ENGLISH instead of jibberish.

You just need to embrace the new para-dig-em and think outside the box.

So are you going to get me those TPS reports???

OH SWEET JEEBUS!!! i understand every word!!!

I work in business training and consulting.  I am neck-deep in corporate-speak every day.  One of our salespeople always wants to "leverage" some of my time to work on her projects.    

Other words I hate:

paradigm
proactive
off-line/download/ any other technical term used incorrectly
synergy - I don't even know what this means

I think's a direct result of the White Pride movement.

In other words be a nice little worker bee, tow the company line, do not point obvious faults to a plan, promote the flawed plan and you will get to keep your job.

I don't have the bandwidth to dialogue that with you right now.  

Quoted: think outside the box.

Seriously, all that 'think outside the box' shit has run it's course.

We've got a new "box".  There was a huge campaign leading up to it - "What's inside the box?" flyers were everywhere.  

What ended up being inside the box?  Our new company slogan.  But boy, the tension leading up to that was oh-so scintillating people were having infarctions.

Dole Office Clerk: Occupation?
Exec: Corporate Executive.
Dole Office Clerk: What?
Exec: A Corporate Executive.
Dole Office Clerk: Oh, a *bullshit* artist!
Exec: Hmmmmmm...
Dole Office Clerk: Did you bullshit last week?
Exec: No.
Dole Office Clerk: Did you try to bullshit last week?
Exec: Yes!

got mumfuch in banana patch

Quoted: I work in business training and consulting.  I am neck-deep in corporate-speak every day.  One of our salespeople always wants to "leverage" some of my time to work on her projects.     Other words I hate: paradigm proactive off-line/download/ any other technical term used incorrectly synergy - I don't even know what this means

initiative
strategic
touch base
web-ify and any other noun used as a verb

Managerial Ballon Juice.

Also there is MEBs and WAT.

Meeting
Extending
Behaviors

and

Work
Avoidance
Technique

MEBs is usually practiced by the most vocal, least competent person in the meeting.  They keep asking dumb questions or actually have some comment when the moderator says, "Anything else?".
You just want to strangle the fucker, but your company's new workplace violence policy says that is a bad thing.

What they could be doing is practicing WAT, by making the meeting run long they don't have to do as much when they get back to their desk...after a trip to the restroom, then the watercooler, then the hot girl's desk, then the mailroom, then the coffee urn, then the restroom again.

Corporate speak kinda reminds me of this film-short you guys should check out:

Truth In Advertising



Sorry to the DupeCops if this has already been posted....

mmmmm....Korporate Kool-Aid

In other words be a nice little worker bee, tow the company line, do not point obvious faults to a plan, promote the flawed plan and you will get to keep your job.

Bingo.

I found it horrifing in a recent Big Meeting with the Big whigs.
Big Whig Said:  50% of our workforce is offshore.  We are hoping to increase that number by reducing our domestic workforce and use more offshore solutions.

I was nearly throwing up at all the 'bravo. sirs' coming from the employees!!!  Don't they understand that he just said "your days are numbered, fucktards?"

Sheesh....I hate being a slave in corporate america.  Can't wait to get more money saved up so I won't need the fat paycheck...

One of the words I grew to hate was, synergy.

Quoted: You just need to embrace the new para-dig-em and think outside the box.

Very funny!!!!

Going forward, we need to leverage our sweat equity towards advancing our goals and overcoming challenges that might marginalize our primary assets.

Quoted: off-line/download/ any other technical term used incorrectly

Oh GOD.  You must know my boss' boss.  

Said while sitting at the conference table: "Let's talk about that off-line."
Translation:  "Let's talk about that in private after this meeting's over."

He uses that one all the damn time.

I always hated that crap.  They would say something like:

"The steering committee has elected to not pursue that strategic initiative at this point in time"

At this point in time?  What the hell?  How about "we're not gonna do that right now"?  Idiots.

Oh, and don't forget "viable".

I don't have any problems reading like that, I often write like that, and sometimes speak like that.  Believe it or not, the Army taught me to do that sort of thing.

Dilbert Mission Statement Generator

Quoted: In other words be a nice little worker bee, tow the company line, do not point obvious faults to a plan, promote the flawed plan and you will get to keep your job.  Until we go belly up, and I retire on my fat golden parachute.

There fixed it for you.  

Quoted: Dilbert Mission Statement Generator

Quoted: Dole Office Clerk: Occupation? Exec: Corporate Executive. Dole Office Clerk: What? Exec: A Corporate Executive. Dole Office Clerk: Oh, a *bullshit* artist! Exec: Hmmmmmm... Dole Office Clerk: Did you bullshit last week? Exec: No. Dole Office Clerk: Did you try to bullshit last week? Exec: Yes!

Quoted: Quoted: In other words be a nice little worker bee, tow the company line, do not point obvious faults to a plan, promote the flawed plan and you will get to keep your job.  Until we go belly up, and I retire on my fat golden parachute.   There fixed it for you.

you have a poor attitude, why cant you just put more effort into things and be a team player.

Quoted: Quoted: In other words be a nice little worker bee, tow the company line, do not point obvious faults to a plan, promote the flawed plan and you will get to keep your job.  Until we go belly up, and I retire on my fat golden parachute.   There fixed it for you.

And that is exactly what happened.

I could puke every time I hear " At the end of the day..."

Quoted: Quoted: Quoted: In other words be a nice little worker bee, tow the company line, do not point obvious faults to a plan, promote the flawed plan and you will get to keep your job.  Until we go belly up, and I retire on my fat golden parachute.   There fixed it for you.   you have a poor attitude, why cant you just put more effort into things and be a team player.

This is exactly why I work for a small company where I don't have to put up with this kind of bullshit.

Things I hate.....

When non technical people refer to getting in touch with another person as "pinging" them.
Next time you hear that, remind them that the "G" in the command PING stands for Grope (Packet Internet Groper)

People that need to say "Think outside the box"...this one really annoys me...when you hear some idiot extolling this useless phrase ask them to remind you what the Copenhagen Interpretation was all about....or perhaps ask them to refresh your memory regarding the context of the Eistein - Schrodinger thought experiments. People that do not know anything about physics should not refer to phisics experiments when attempting to sound intelligent...it jut makes them sound more like monkeys to the folks that actually know what is INSIDE the box (there has to be at least one engineer laughing at this statement right now)

People do not "interface".....they meet, they discuss, but they do not interface.

There are no "Tiger Teams" except at the zoo and the circus

We do not leverage our resources in an effort to generate proactive, customer centric solutions, and we certainly do not yield synergy as a result either.

I have yet to leave a single meeting in my life that I would call productive, where the term "action item" was used to describe some mundane, arbitrary task.

Mission statements are bullshit....the only reason any company exists is for the purpose of generating profit.....nothing else. A customer having a solution that genuinely meets their requirements is at best an accidental ramification that happened to work out for the best....but lets be honest, all the company ever cared about when they sold that solution was how fast the check cleared.

Paradigm......heres one straight from a Dilbert strip.....next time you hear that word, ask the person who uttered it "What exactly is a paradigm?"  (I will bet you a box of xm193 that at least 50% of the people asked cant answer the question)

What I like doing is asking people that use 'corporate speak' things in their 'own' words to see what kind of answers I can get....

"What metric describes the qualitative value of this paradigm?"

"As we migrate toward synergy driven solutions, how will this affect our proactive mission to 'divide & conquer' ?"

"What business drivers resulted in our mission statement?"




Fortunately I can decipher the bs that corporate spews forward....but damn those people annoy me.

My least favorites:

strategic alliance (no money has changed hands, but we both needed some press)
roll your own; home-grown (hey, we can throw around hip terms instead of saying in-house)
enable (shudder)
knowledge harvest (you had to be there during the .dot con boom)
offshore (as in outsourced)
24/7/365
Clicks & mortar; Bricks & mortar
B2B, B2B2C
Engage (as in, we're engaging Overpriced Consultancy, Inc. instead of saying hire, as in paying them money to do any quantifiable work)

Then there's always "clickstream"

I only posted to grow the thread.

ETA: I've gotten a lot of learnings here.

Quoted: Customer intimacy is much more than a marketing initiative.  Central to customer intimacy is the idea of TouchPoints.

Is that corpspeak for a handjob?

"low hanging fruit"  

Quoted: Quoted: think outside the box. Seriously, all that 'think outside the box' shit has run it's course. We've got a new "box".  There was a huge campaign leading up to it - "What's inside the box?" flyers were everywhere.   What ended up being inside the box?  Our new company slogan.  But boy, the tension leading up to that was oh-so scintillating people were having infarctions.

[seven] What's in the boooox??!?! [/seven]

Enough!  I have no more free cycles....

"We have to do more with less."

G

Quoted: I work in business training and consulting.  I am neck-deep in corporate-speak every day.  One of our salespeople always wants to "leverage" some of my time to work on her projects.     Other words I hate: paradigm proactive off-line/download/ any other technical term used incorrectly synergy - I don't even know what this means

Main Entry: syn·er·gy
Pronunciation: 'si-n&r-jE
Function: noun
Inflected Form(s): plural -gies
Etymology: New Latin synergia, from Greek synergos working together
1 : SYNERGISM; broadly : combined action or operation
2 : a mutually advantageous conjunction or compatibility of distinct business participants or elements (as resources or efforts)




Vulcan94

What I hate, more than Hitler himself, is corporate Mission statements.  
They actually go to a circle jerk meeting and spend time making those POS up.

Quoted: img.photobucket.com/albums/v442/airwolf144/Action_Item_2000.jpg

What makes that great is that no progress was made, and the task at hand was not accomplished.
All talk, no action....just like the office.

Good thing I have no plans on getting a degree in "business" or working in the stereotypical office setting.

I hope to get into research where they welcome eccentric, non-programmed personalities.

that's the problem with "business profesionalism" today. To be a professional you have to try to use "special" words to try and make your conversations seem to have merit or any real meaning but when you interpret them they are really meaningless.

Quoted: Good thing I have no plans on getting a degree in "business" or working in the stereotypical office setting. I hope to get into research where they welcome eccentric, non-programmed personalities.

Most jobs in research are funded by grant money....more politics involved in securing funding than any stereotypical office ouside of Washington.

Good luck, but dont be too surprised when you see the same corporate speaking dolts in the front office. It is pretty much inescapable in any white collar job.

Quoted: Good thing I have no plans on getting a degree in "business" or working in the stereotypical office setting. I hope to get into research where they welcome eccentric, non-programmed personalities. that's the problem with "business profesionalism" today. To be a professional you have to try to use "special" words to try and make your conversations seem to have merit or any real meaning but when you interpret them they are really meaningless.

Actually this is just in middle management from what I have seen.  This sort of BS evaporates in the board room, and people talk like human beings again.  My opinion is that all the Dilbert-speak is about conformity and impressing others.

Quoted: In other words be a nice little worker bee, tow the company line, do not point obvious faults to a plan, promote the flawed plan and you will get to keep your job.

You would not mind if i use this . Or like it was told to us one time "Either the people change or we will change the people."

Really now - Who talks like this?

FWIW, the staff/mods/whatever who try to benignly 'protect' Christians by forcing them into their own dark corner talk like that.



Read the magnanimous statements made by staff. They're classic corporatespeak.

Quoted: "low hanging fruit"

After we took care of the low hanging fruit, we had to "prune the tree to reach the interior fruit". Translation=fire more people who actually did their jobs.

Quoted: OH SWEET JEEBUS!!! i understand every word!!!

+1

It's scary when you comprehend exactly what they said. I apologize I am one of those guys in my REALjob...

Quoted: I could puke every time I hear " At the end of the day..."

When the rubber hits the road....we are still able to sustain our competitve advantage.

I am actually flipping Emails with co-workers as we speak on these ridiculous phrases.