Headlines from the year 2029






Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia formally known as California.  

White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.

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Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.

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Baby conceived naturally.  Scientists stumped.

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Couple petitions court to reinstate Heterosexual marriage.

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Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Syria, Afghanistan, and Lebanon).

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Iraq still closed off - Physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

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France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica.

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Castro finally dies at age 112. Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

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George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

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Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

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85-year, $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss.

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Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.

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**Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.**

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Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

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Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.

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Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.

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New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.

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Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.

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Capitol Hill intern indicted for refusing to have sex with congressman.

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IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.

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Florida voters still having trouble with voting machines.

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dpmmn hits 1,000,000,000th post on ARFCOM.  Counter flips back to 1.

Quoted: dpmmn hits 1,000,000,000th post on ARFCOM.  Counter flips back to 1.

he might end it all

tag good stuff

Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.

Probably the most likely headline

Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.

Probably a prophetic headline right here.

"The second civil war ended yesterday, and the beginnings of The United States of America v2.0 begins today. Understanding the needs of an armed populace, the Right to Keep and Bear Arms has been edited from the apparently unclear original version and bumped off the Amendments list and onto the Constitution itself."

I can wish, can't I?

Urhahhh brother!