Here's a guide to the stereotypical people you'll meet at the gunshow, for those of you who've never been.

Steve: Steve specializes in t-shirts that say things like "from my cold, dead hands", "bomb squad: if you see me running you'd better catch up", and "I shot terrorists in Iraq and all I got was this lousy t-shirt". He also has a massive amount of over-priced beef jerky for sale at his table. Steve is usually too distracted taking people's money to be rude, polite, or even notice you unless you're handing money to him while walking off with a t-shirt or package of jerky.

Clyde: Clyde has used guns with more rust than finish and if you look closely you might be able to see rifling in the barrel. These guns are priced $200 over what the guns cost when they were brand new and in decent condition. Clyde will be personally and deeply insulted if you offer anything less than what the price tag says, even though he hasn't made a single sale at the last three shows because his merchandise is worthless crap.

Billy: Billy is thirteen years old and at his first gun show with his dad. He's the one with the baseball cap and the bugged out eyes constantly exclaiming "WHOA, COOL! WOW! AWESOME!" Billy will one day have a firearms collection the size of a national guard armory to go along with his position as chairman of the NRA.

Bubba: Bubba is a tactical mall-ninja commando in mismatched camoflage from three different countries and patches, rank insignia, and reproduction medals from every branch of the military and a few that don't exist. He will try to corner you and tell you a story about the time he was flying F-22's in 'nam for the USMC SEAL team and then served as a space shuttle door gunner for a top secret mission to Afghanistan. If asked for proof of his exploits, all of his records are either classified or burned down with the building shortly after he retired at the age 29. Alternatively, he'll ask what gun you're buying and proceed to go into a long story about why that gun is a piece of crap and how his .223 caliber rifle that he may have bought from Clyde can blow a deer in half from a mile away with his special-made custom bullets that he makes in his basement. Bubba does not take the hint when you ignore him and will only leave when he finds someone else to latch onto and talk their ears off.

Rick: Rick is an awesome dealer whose table has three of everything you could ever want and they're all at a fair price. Unfortunately, you won't find Rick until after you've bought the same thing for twice what he's asking at another table.

Thelma: Thelma is a little old woman who may have been alive when Lincoln was president. She will be carrying an older firearm that belonged to her recently departed husband that she wants to sell because she has no use for it and no idea of its actual value. This firearm will likely be worth enough to buy a decent car with and she will try selling it to the nearest dealer to the door, usually Clyde. Clyde will offer $50 while barely concealing his cackling delight at finding such a sucker, while a dozen show attendees will run at Thelma screaming "NONONONONONONO!" and trying to stop her before she completes the transaction. Most of them will be honest and either inform her as to the actual value of the gun or direct her to a dealer that will give her more money for it.

Mike: Mike is an elderly man wearing a vest with VFW pins all over it. His table specializes in collectible coins and reproduction Nazi memoribilia for WWII collectors. He's an honest dealer but he's also stone deaf and has no idea what you're trying to buy.

Dave: Dave doesn't actually sell guns and hates Mike with a passion. He sells army surplus camo, police holsters, pepper spray, combat boots, kevlar flak jackets from the 70's, and American WWII memoribilia. He hates Mike because Mike actually sells off his merchandise while Dave's only gets man-handled by potential customers and then dropped back on the table.

Louis: Louis specializes in American-made handguns. Despite the high price tag, you can always get a good deal from Louis because everything is negotiable and he's a good guy. Unfortunately, Louis is in the convention center restroom with explosive diarhea, creating a stench that is almost but not quite enough to make attendees buy surplus gas masks from Dave before entering. Louis' wife Susie is running the table in his absence. Susie has absolutely zero interest in guns, the convention, or the customers. Susie will not negotiate prices and could care less whether or not you buy anything from the table.

Lorretta: Lorretta makes more money than any other vendor at the show. This defies rational logic since her table is covered almost exclusively with Beanie Babies, home crafts, and copies of Better Homes and Gardens from the mid-1980's. At a gun show. On the plus side, she does sell excellent peanut brittle and pecan chewies.

George: George sells older shotguns and bolt-action rifles. He displays open contempt for anyone who buys a so-called "assault weapon" or a handgun that was made after the 1940's and will glare at you if you so much as dare mention that just possibly the Second Amendment wasn't intended exclusively for deer and duck hunters. More than likely he will loudly declare that "the only reason to own one of those things is to kill people!" Then he'll cuss at you and tell you to get away from his booth if you ask if that's why the police own so many.

Burt: Burt sells "assault" rifles, semi-automatic handguns, and class III weaponry almost exclusively. He also has a stand of books and magazines such as the Army Field Manual FM21-76: Survival, Soldier of Fortune, How To Build a Nuclear Bunker, and Unintended Consequences. Unlike many of the people wandering the show clad in camo, Burt actually knows what he's talking about and can tell you the exact manufacturer, factory, and the day it was built of any gun you mention or show him, entirely by memory, and give you a detailed history of that particular model of firearm that would impress the historian at the Smithsonian's armory section. People tend to think of Burt as being psychotically paranoid, especially about the government, but you have to admit he's making more and more sense as time goes on. Most of Burt's customers either scare you or make you envious.

Hank: Hank sells knives, swords, spears, crossbows, chainmail, and other archaic items. He makes nearly as much money as Lorretta, despite the fact that most of his merchandise is over-price stainless steel crap you can find at pawn shops and flea markets for a third the price.

Tom: Tom is wandering the convention grounds desperately looking for a very specific firearm. Unfortunately for Tom, he passes about ten vendors selling the exact item he's looking for without noticing and finally finds one for sale at Clyde's table. He goes home and ends up hating his purchase and sells it for less than half of what he paid for it. Six months later, he finds the gun he's looking for that doesn't look and perform as if it were run over by an armored column and goes home with tears of joy.

Ryan: Ryan has to sneak his new, hideously expensive super awesome gun into the house because if his wife finds out he bought yet another gun instead of making a car payment she'll kill him. Thus, he manages to look simultaneously ecstatic about his purchase and sickeningly nervous as he walks out into the parking lot.

Omar: Omar is an enthuisiastic target shooter who is thinking of getting his first "assault" rifle as a fun purchase. Unfortunately, he immigrated from Iran ten years ago and half the show attendees keep looking at him funny and wondering how quickly they could get the zip-ties off of their guns and have them in working order if they had to. The glares intensify as he makes his purchase and nervously heads out the door with it.

Jose: Jose is a member of the local street gang/drug cartel down town. He can't buy firearms because of his prior six felonies, so he has his latest girlfriend come with him and buy "herself" whichever gun he points out. This will invariably be a cheap-as-dirt and as-reliable-as-the-French-army pistol like a Llama or Lorsen. Whichever dealer Jose's "baby mama" tries buying the gun from will skepticly raise his eyebrow at her and tell her to come back when she isn't dating a dipshit with pantyhose on his head.

What? No ATF Agents?

Very well done.

Classic! Hammer. Nail. Head.

Quoted: Very well done.

Thanks. I'm going to add more later.

I figure I might as well get in the mood before I head to the show this weekend.

Quoted: What? No ATF Agents?

That goes in the next installment.

Yup, Sounds about right.

classic, just classic

well done

I think I've seen many of these people.

That's the funniest thing I've heard in forever.  I don't know if you came up with it yourself, but it hits the nail on the head....Great one...

That was effin hysterical....I've never been to a gun show, but if I ever do, I'll never get your post out of my mind

So tagged!!!  MJD

you must go to the mi gun shows, missed the airsoft venders and the retards that hang aound thoose tabels, liked the nina sword mention. good stuff.

You forgot Angie: She is the one who knows a fair amount about guns usually more than most armchair commandos and is running a table with her husband. They have a mixed variety of items that include boxes of AR parts along with some assembled uppers. Her biggest draw is her low cut blouse that keeps the customers coming back to get her to bend over to show them another item and some more clevage.

Quoted: You forgot Angie: She is the one who knows a fair amount about guns usually more than most armchair commandos and is running a table with her husband. They have a mixed variety of items that include boxes of AR parts along with some assembled uppers. Her biggest draw is her low cut blouse that keeps the customers coming back to get her to bend over to show them another item and some more clevage.

Angie has a sister at some of the shows in WNY, her name is Bambi....She also has huge breasts and is very good looking, and invariably has a low cut tight top, and sprayed on jeans, and has 10 tables set up with ammo, lots of ammo. Her tables always seem to have a large crowd for some reason, with people buying ammo for guns they don't even have....The actual owner of the ammo business is a marketing genius...

Next installment!


Michelle: Michelle is obsessed with "assault" weapons and eager to add to her growing collection. Each vendor she meets tells her that whichever gun she tries buying isn't what she wants and then patronizes "the little lady" by selecting a tamer, more politically-correct firearm and telling her that that's exactly what she needs. Many then proceed to hit on her, despite the fact that she brought her boyfriend along to carry heavy things.

John: John learned everything he knows about guns from television and despite believing everything Feinstein, Boxer, and the DNC say about firearms and the people that own them has decided to get one of his own. After staring in bewilderment at an incredible array of firearms that he never imagined in his wildest dreams, he finally finds one that looks both cool and still politically-correct and pays more than it's worth. He ends up being thrown out of the show for muzzle-sweeping half the attendees and trying to load it on the spot.

Jerome: Jerome is a media hitman out to sensationalize guns, violence, and rednecks. Vendors look at him suspiciously while he takes pictures and asks oddly-phrased questions while his buddy with the tape recorder stands nearby pretending to look at guns. Jerome will later go home and either misquote everyone or quote them out of context while declaring that guns should be banned. He will later receive a literary award for writing such an excellent, balanced, and fair article.

Oswald: Oswald is a typical FBI/ATF agent. Cleverly, he approaches vendors and openly invites them to engage in illegal activity. Because they're too stupid to recognize entrapment when they see it and they're all criminals anyway. Oswald will avoid keeping an eye on Omar, Jose, or the black guy with the gold teeth and tattoos who just got a Tec-9 and smells suspiciously of marijuana. That would be racial profiling. Oswald will later ramdomly follow one of the vendors or attendees home and have them arrested for suspected gun trafficing, confiscate their firearms and any other personal possessions of value, and harrass them for the next two years in order to meet quota.

Jake: Jake is an asshole vendor who goes out of his way to piss off potential customers and rip them off. Jake is too stupid to realize when to back off and completely fails to understand that if you knock a guys cigar out of his mouth and assault him he WILL go Darth Vader on your ass.

Tommy: Tommy is your stereotypical black gangbanger. He calls every handgun either a Glock or a gat, refers to magazines as clips, and makes loud hooting sounds to get the vendor's attention and ask "how much fo' da the glock-fotey?" He eventually walks out with a Tec-9 and proceeds to frighten nearly everyone in the parking lot when he and his fifteen homies climb into a rusted-out Caddy with spinners and peel out.

William: Willaim is not your stereotypical black gangbanger. He's black, but well-dressed and makes a higher income than most of the people attending the show. He has never fired a gun in his life and does not own any ammunition. His only reason for being at the show is to complete his collection of Browning Hi-Powers that he keeps in glass display cases at home. William receives more dirty looks and suspicious glances than Tommy.

Gunny: Gunny is older than dirt but well-preserved. He walks with a slight limp, cusses at the drop of a hat, and speaks more loudly than necessary. Gunny is intent on finding a USGI M1 Garand and an M-14 clone and will gladly let you know that the M-16 is a jam-o-matic popgun and that the U.S. should never have used it to replace the M-14 as the main battle rifle.

Charles: Charles is English. This is his first time at a gun show that he decided to visit just to see what they're like. Despite his fears, prejudices, and pre-conceived notions, Charles actually finds himself enjoying the convention and becoming fascinated with the broad variety of weaponry on display. Then Bubba spots him.

Erney: Erney is a uniformed police officer supposedly providing security for the convention. In practice, however, he spends most of his time fondling other people's guns at the door or  hitting on Michelle while her boyfriend is standing right there. Erney is oblivious to anything Jose or Tommy say or do.

Carl: Carl is an elderly man who couldn't weigh 90 pounds soaking wet. Despite this, he is asking each vendor about a massively heavy, large-caliber firearm and seems disappointed that no one at the convention is selling such hand-held artillery. Burt has five of them on display, but Carl is too nervous to approach his booth. He pauses in the middle of conversations and seems confused for a moment before starting over again with the same questions. Eventually he wanders home and falls asleep watching reruns of Matlock.

Joe: Joe is not a licensed dealer, but somehow he always end up with a bunch of guns in his arms that he walks around the aisles with trying to convince attendees to buy for more than they're worth. The vendors don't like Joe but say nothing as more often than not he ends up getting cornered by Bubba for most of the convention and is therefore kept out of their hair.

Willie: Willie is the stereotypical redneck who fondles each and every gun at the table before picking one, inevitably some sort of man-portable cannon. Willie, while sighting down the barrel at the ceiling, will make an offhand comment about how he really shouldn't buy the gun because he might get pissed and shoot his neighbor. This will result in the dealer quietly setting the gun back on the table and telling him to have a nice day. Willie, oblivious, moves on to the next table and does it all over again.

You could also add the magazine dealer who has crappy beat up magazines for every firearm that has ever existed, and the prices are double what it would cost to purchase a quality version of the magazine brand new.

Quoted: ....Jake: Jake is an asshole vendor who goes out of his way to piss off potential customers and rip them off. Jake is too stupid to realize when to back off and completely fails to understand that if you knock a guys cigar out of his mouth and assault him he WILL go Darth Vader on your ass. .....

 

Quoted: Jose: Jose is a member of the local street gang/drug cartel down town. He can't buy firearms because of his prior six felonies, so he has his latest girlfriend come with him and buy "herself" whichever gun he points out. This will invariably be a cheap-as-dirt and as-reliable-as-the-French-army pistol like a Llama or Lorsen. Whichever dealer Jose's "baby mama" tries buying the gun from will skepticly raise his eyebrow at her and tell her to come back when she isn't dating a dipshit with pantyhose on his head.

From what I have seen. Gunshow dealers dont give two craps about a straw sale. I havent been to a show in almost 10-yrs though.

Add the old fart with the strongest Body Oder ever.

I hate gunshows

Quoted: I hate gunshows

I think they're fun.  No matter how bad a show is, there is always somone to point and laugh at

Plus I get to see weapons I normally don't and can man handle them

Quoted: Quoted: I hate gunshows I think they're fun.  No matter how bad a show is, there is always somone to point and laugh at Plus I get to see weapons I normally don't and can man handle them

Good point, but the people, and dealers can ruin an otherwise good time.
Half of the dealers act like they are there to do you a favor.

You frogot the kettle corn vender!

Quoted: Good point, but the people, and dealers can ruin an otherwise good time. Half of the dealers act like they are there to do you a favor.

You got me there.  One thing I hate about gunshows is the dealers and individuals there every time have a piss off attitude generally.

The best are the guys walking around wanting to sell their guns.  They will work with you (for the most part) and I sometimes find a good deal.

That and the guys who gotta sell off their collections or whatever.  The energetic, willing to will and deal make it worthwile.

Quoted: You frogot the kettle corn vender!

And the guy selling his own special brand of reloads..

Awesome!

You forgot Angie: She is the one who knows a fair amount about guns usually more than most armchair commandos and is running a table with her husband. They have a mixed variety of items that include boxes of AR parts along with some assembled uppers. Her biggest draw is her low cut blouse that keeps the customers coming back to get her to bend over to show them another item and some more clevage.

Name changed to protect the innocent!

Over the last 15 years I have started being one of Burt's regular customers, one of the ones with a few specific requests that scare the shit out of almost everyone else there ("It has to be rated to stop VX, specifically VX, not just nerve gas in general. I know that manufacturer is in Finland.  Sure, I will buy a whole case.  Never know when they might come in handy.  So can you get them here by next week?  It needs to be before the big Astros game.  I can't use them after that.").

Burt's prices are always reasonable, and where else can you get half the stuff he is selling (like the top plate of a Russian antitank mine to make into a clock)?  Those same easily spooked customers are also not thrilled when you approach Burt with a shopping list and several thousand dollars in cash and make arraingements to pick it all up "in the usual place".

And yes, Burt is sounding less and less paranoid at time goes on.

Ahh, you left out Suzie, the lady with the propane torch selling the aluminum welding rods.  She's been punching holes in soft drink cans and welding them back up all day.

Quoted: Ahh, you left out Suzie, the lady with the propane torch selling the aluminum welding rods.  She's been punching holes in soft drink cans and welding them back up all day.

tag

I have two:

Bill:  The Class 3 dealer that sets up a huge display clearly meant to entice every red-blooded male within 2,000 miles and then won't ever talk to you unless you are LEO.  And, no, you can't touch that P-90.

Jack and Candy:  Nicely displayed, glass-cased knives of every description from a tiny bone-handled pocket knife to the foot-long, razor-sharp Khukri with leather belt sheath.  Candy is super hot but you are afraid to look because you are afraid Jack will cut you in half with the K-bar he's holding.

G

Quoted: I have two: Jack and Candy:  Nicely displayed, glass-cased knives of every description from a tiny bone-handled pocket knife to the foot-long, razor-sharp Khukri with leather belt sheath.  Candy is super hot but you are afraid to look because you are afraid Jack will cut you in half with the K-bar he's holding. G

She is rather well appointed, isn't she?
GUILTY!!!

DaddyDett

Quoted: Add the old fart with the strongest Body Oder ever.

I ran into him at the range last week, he was also half deaf.

Nice list

Quoted: Quoted: You frogot the kettle corn vender! And the guy selling his own special brand of reloads..

And the John Birch Society lady who hands out pamphlets explaining how the United Nations is going to take over all civilian law enforcement in the USA.

Montana Gunshows = 500 Clydes and 1 Mike

Shits hilarious!

You forgot the lady who sells the fire starter knifes

Quoted: Quoted: Jose: Jose is a member of the local street gang/drug cartel down town. He can't buy firearms because of his prior six felonies, so he has his latest girlfriend come with him and buy "herself" whichever gun he points out. This will invariably be a cheap-as-dirt and as-reliable-as-the-French-army pistol like a Llama or Lorsen. Whichever dealer Jose's "baby mama" tries buying the gun from will skepticly raise his eyebrow at her and tell her to come back when she isn't dating a dipshit with pantyhose on his head. From what I have seen. Gunshow dealers dont give two craps about a straw sale. I havent been to a show in almost 10-yrs though.

I have personally seen vendors at gunshows and gun store employees at gun shops refuse sales to customers, usually it happens when a guy enters the store with his girlfriend and she tries to make the purchase.

 Hmmm..... you aren't from Arizona originally are you????  I suppose you get the the same crew that we do....you and I ( and the rest of the Soutwest ) probably know the same folks....only the customers change...........and yet.....it's actually only the faces and names....they're really the same guys and gals.....spooooooky.

Tag, as this is FSCKING priceless!  

You should make a T-Shirt along these lines!  I'll take 'em and sell 'em at gunshows!  

Quoted: Quoted: Quoted: Jose: Jose is a member of the local street gang/drug cartel down town. He can't buy firearms because of his prior six felonies, so he has his latest girlfriend come with him and buy "herself" whichever gun he points out. This will invariably be a cheap-as-dirt and as-reliable-as-the-French-army pistol like a Llama or Lorsen. Whichever dealer Jose's "baby mama" tries buying the gun from will skepticly raise his eyebrow at her and tell her to come back when she isn't dating a dipshit with pantyhose on his head. From what I have seen. Gunshow dealers dont give two craps about a straw sale. I havent been to a show in almost 10-yrs though. I have personally seen vendors at gunshows and gun store employees at gun shops refuse sales to customers, usually it happens when a guy enters the store with his girlfriend and she tries to make the purchase.

I was in the process of selling a guy an SKS when he stopped at the 4473 questions. He said he was convicted in the past for drug abuse and somehting else. I said sorry cant sell you the gun. Dealer next to me said he didnt care, told the guy to lie and did the sale anyway. That was the last show I worked.

Dont forget about JoJack and JoBob who havent seen each other since..... yesterday and decide
to stop and tell their life stores in the middle of the row blocking everyone from passing. And only
moving a couple of inches when they notice people are trying to get by.

You forgot about Rasheed who heads straight for the Desert Eagle, Hi-Point, and WASR-10 with the "Thurty bullet clip"...


ETA:

Tommy: Tommy is your stereotypical black gangbanger. He calls every handgun either a Glock or a gat, refers to magazines as clips, and makes loud hooting sounds to get the vendor's attention and ask "how much fo' da the glock-fotey?" He eventually walks out with a Tec-9 and proceeds to frighten nearly everyone in the parking lot when he and his fifteen homies climb into a rusted-out Caddy with spinners and peel out. William: Willaim is not your stereotypical black gangbanger. He's black, but well-dressed and makes a higher income than most of the people attending the show. He has never fired a gun in his life and does not own any ammunition. His only reason for being at the show is to complete his collection of Browning Hi-Powers that he keeps in glass display cases at home. William receives more dirty looks and suspicious glances than Tommy.

Classic!!!

If you find my comments offensive, let me know.

Idiots come in all races...

Quoted: Tag, as this is FSCKING priceless!   You should make a T-Shirt along these lines!  I'll take 'em and sell 'em at gunshows!

If one of the resident ARFCOM t-shirt makers wants to print up some shirts with these on them, I'd be glad to work something out. I could use the money (what little there would be) and I'd like to think I'll leave something of lasting value on this earth that doesn't involve a glass parking lot where San Francisco used to be.

You forgot Ralph.  The Jerky guy with jerky made from anything that walks.

Man the gun shows in Texas are just like the ones in Virginia!!!

Speaking of Gun SHows the Dixie Gun Classic is next weekend in Richmond!

Have I mentioned that I've only been to one gunshow in my entire existence on this earth?

I learn fast.

Quoted: Montana Gunshows = 500 Clydes and 1 Mike Shits hilarious!

This is true!

You forgot the guy who sells only dinner and carving knives.

Or the person who looks like they emptied out an armour, took em' all apart, put em' in a bag and shook em all out on a table for double the price.

well ya also got ole Harvey. he's been retired 30 years and only comes to bend someones ears about his old huntin days and proceeds to take up  the front of some dealers table tellin him about that rem. model 8 on his table  just like the one he used to get a bear back in "48 in michigans UP, but the dealer is too polite to tell him to move on so paying customers can see the table.                                                                                                                                                                           then ya also got  floyd and wilbur who were co-workers till one retired  and they have to catch up on all the shop gossip for the last 3 years while standing in front of some guys table which  clogs up the flow of traffic, come to find out  the dealer worked there to and he's also in the conversation. well piss on "em, guess he don't want my money.                                                                                                                                                                              and why are all the camo clad mall ninja's tippin the scales at 375 lbs. representin like they be lean mean fightin machines when it's obvious they couldn't outrun a 75 yr old on crutches to the snack bar???