A friend of mine e-mailed these to me. Some I've read before; others are new to me. Nonetheless, I got a kick out of most of them. Hope y'all enjoy something on the lighter side.  [:)]

Great bits of wisdom for our time--

(1) "Instead of getting married again, I'm going to
find a woman I don't like and just give her a house."
- Lewis Grizzard

(2) "The problem with the designated driver program,
it's not a desirable job.  But if you ever get sucked
into doing it, have fun with it.  At the end of the
night, drop them off at the wrong house."
- Jeff Foxworthy

(3) "See, the problem is that God gives men a brain
and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a
time."
- Robin Williams

(4) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly
ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to
save the infant's life without even considering if
there is a man on base."
- Dave Barry

(5) "What do people mean when they say the computer
went down on them?"
- Marilyn Pittman

(6) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time
job, and we should treat it like one. If your
boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they
should give you two weeks' notice. There should be
severance pay, and before they leave you, they should
have to find you a temp."
- Bob Ettinger

(7) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone
took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat.
I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to
swim."
- Paula Poundstone

(8) "A study in the Washington Post says that women
have better verbal skills than men."  I just want to
say to the authors of that study: "huh?"
- Conan O'Brien

(9) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?
I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize,  Oh
my Goodness.... I could be eating a slow learner."
- Lynda Montgomery

(10) "The day I worry about cleaning my house is the
day Sears comes out with a riding vacuum cleaner."
- Roseanne

(11) "I think that's how Chicago got started.  A bunch
of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the
crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough.
Let's go west.'"
- Richard Jeni

(12) "If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all
the impersonators would be dead."
- Johnny Carson

(13) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching
us geography."
- Paul Rodriguez

(14) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but
they turned sixty, and that's the law."
- Jerry Seinfeld

(15) "In elementary school, in case of fire you have
to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest
to tallest.  What is the logic? Do tall people burn
slower?"
- Warren Hutcherson

(16) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many.
Monogamy is the same."
- Oscar Wilde

(17) "Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not
ready for an institution yet."
- Mae West

(18) "Suppose you were an idiot... And suppose you
were a member of Congress ... But I repeat myself."
- Mark Twain

(19) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high
school student. At least they can find Kuwait."
- A. Whitney Brown

Continued...

(20) "Ah, yes, divorce......., from the Latin word
meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his
wallet,"
- Robin Williams

(21) "Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but
I think of it as the only time of the month that I can
be myself."
- Roseanne

(22) "Women need a reason to have sex.  Men just need
a place."
- Billy Crystal

(23) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the
dog will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're
right! I never would've thought of that!'"
- Dave Barry

(24) "If you can't beat them, arrange to have them
beaten."
- George Carlin

(25) "When I die, I want to die like my grandfather
who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like
all the passengers in his car."
- Author Unknown

(26) Advice for the day:   If you have a lot a tension
and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin
bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from
children"

(27) "Oh, you hate your job?   Why didn't you say so?
There's a support group for that.  It's called
EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."
- Drew Carey

...Preferably in their bosses front yard or something.
"Where the hell are my flamingos?"

A pessemist is a realist who's not afraid to admit it, and a cynic is a pessemist who's not afraid to laugh about it.

                              -Me