by Mike Parker

The telephone rings and I answer, “Police Department, Investigator Parker.” The voice on the other end is all too familiar, though I have never heard it before.  It’s another desperate mother calling for advice on how to handle an out-of-control child.  As a police investigator working in the Juvenile Division, I field dozens of these calls every week.  I listen to hours of frustration-laced explanations of how a “good kid” has become a demon-possessed hellion in a matter of weeks.  The requests from most parents are varied, yet they all have a common denominator: What can you do to fix my child?  This call is no different.

I listen to what went wrong with the young teenager.  The mother implicates undesirable friends, public education, and even possible drug use as causes for the demise of her son’s good behavior.  Her son has become domineering and self-reliant, ignoring her authority as a parent.  Outside influences have affected him to the point that she has lost control.  As a last ditch effort, she looks to a person who has experience with such behavior for a solution to her problem.

After listening to a set of symptoms that I have heard three other times this week, I have a few questions for this obviously frustrated woman.  Do you ever spank your children?  As is common, the response is that she was abused as a child and, for that reason, she does not believe in hitting her children.   I can understand that.  Though I am a firm believer in the value of corporal punishment within limits, I understand that some people do not hold that view.  How do you punish your son when he disobeys?  She says that she grounds him, but he refuses to obey her orders and does as he pleases.  He openly defies her, then asks, “What are you gonna do about it?”  She says she feels powerless to stop him. What is in the child’s room right now?  She runs down the inventory to me.  There is a bed, dresser, television and stereo.  Under the TV there is an X-Box and a DVD player.   Countless DVDs and music CDs litter the dresser and floor, along with video game accessories and a Gameboy.  What about in the closet, can you describe his clothes to me?  She tells me that he has a lot of clothes in there, mostly from Abercrombie and Fitch because that’s all he will wear.  There are also four pairs of sneakers, his old Playstation system and an electric guitar he got for Christmas last year.  Have you deprived him of the use of any of these luxuries?  With some trepidation in her voice she tells me that those are his things and he gets very upset if she bothers them.  Taking those things away from him would cause too many problems, she says.  It would embarrass him in front of his friends, and that might damage his self-esteem.

I see quickly that this mother has done nothing to maintain authority over her son.  The young man has reached a point in his life when the natural intimidation factor of a parent over a child no longer affects him, if it ever did in the first place.  Fear of being thought of as a “mean” parent has led this woman to give in to her son’s every material desire.   She heeded the words of Dr. Benjamin Spock, who said, “Parenting is about choices and deciding what's best for your child,” not realizing that she had greatly misinterpreted the good doctor’s advice.   She has given her son the best of everything, except discipline.  She had allowed him to express himself when he was a toddler through fits of rage that she made no attempt to suppress, because she had read that self-expression was crucial to the proper development of her child.  Later, she consented to certain group activities her son wished to participate in to avoid being the only parent who forbade it.  She did not want to be labeled as the “un-cool mom.”  Now, when the expert advice has failed, she is seeking advice from a person who she fears may become a part of her son’s future; a police officer.

The next part of the conversation almost always makes me very unpopular with any parent in this situation.  The mother has asked for my advice on how to turn her son around.  I say that the problem with the child cannot be fixed with a twenty-minute telephone conversation.  It has taken fourteen years to create this dilemma, so expecting an immediate resolution is very unreasonable.  She wonders if a boot camp or some other program might help.  I tell her that a boot camp or a fear-based behavior modification program may have some short-term effect on the kid’s behavior, but normally those “solutions” are little more than a Band-Aid on a bullet wound.   Regaining control of the child may not be possible at all, but some severe measures most certainly must be taken immediately.  I warn her that the process is painful and requires great emotional stamina, but it may be the only thing that will work.  She says she will try anything.

First, I say, empty the child’s room of everything except a mattress and two sets of clothing (preferably off brand with no labels).  Next, advise the wayward youngster that, until further notice, his menu will consist of whatever TV dinner he chooses to heat up while the rest of the family eats what is prepared for dinner.  Snacks and junk food treats will no longer be available.  Then, seal off all communication with the outside world, including telephones, internet and visitors until the child’s behavior has improved.  Also, there are other creative ways of restricting a child’s amenities, while maintaining his necessities, which may be specific to your particular family.  You must identify these areas and act on them.  It is time to put your foot down and take control. Of course, when your son’s behavior begins to improve, you must return his luxuries to him in increments relative to his improved behavior.  Yes, you have every right to do these things as a parent, the question is: Do you have the courage?

This is the point where I lose so many parents.  The thought of being that “mean” to a child is foreign to them.  Throughout the events that led up to this plea for help, this mother had never dreamed of depriving her son of any of his possessions.  Deep down she felt that those things made her son happy, and a happy child is a well-behaved child.  In the area of material things, nothing could be further from the truth.  In fact, the desire for certain special possessions can be a wonderful tool for parents.  Anticipation of reward can be used to help guide a child’s behavior to acceptable standards.  Unfortunately, too many parents like this one have succumbed to the “gimme” attitude of their children for the sake of popularity.

My conversation will almost invariably end with a feeble vow from the mother to try this method.  Sadly, disappointment is clear in her voice.  She called to find an outside solution to a problem that she helped to create.  She wanted sympathy for her perceived plight as a victim, and an enforcer who would take care of the dirty job of fixing the problem.  Instead she learned that she will have to take responsibility for the upbringing of her child, even though it may be unpleasant, if she is truly interested in helping him.  This comes as a shock to her, and so many other parents who have avoided the undesirable necessity of discipline.

I have no license to counsel people on their problems, yet I am called upon for that purpose almost daily.  I have no doctorate degree hanging on a wall behind a huge oak desk, but the calls still come.  The amazing thing is that in eight years of taking these types of calls, not one parent has ever called back and complained that my advice did not work.  For some it may be because they did not want to waste any more time with what they thought were ridiculous ideas.  Their next call for advice probably went to an attorney.  For others, though, it is because the suggested plan produced a favorable result.  I have been visited by a number of parents, often with the former rebel in tow, who thanked me for helping them.  I do not intend to imply that I am an expert in the field.  What I am, is the fellow who has to deal with those children who are not “turned around.”  That fact alone provides me with some degree of insight on the subject.

I see a prevailing attitude with today’s parents that the old ways of parental authority are outdated and useless.  Whether it is a result of so-called expert advice, or simply laziness, parents are now more than ever, less likely to exercise authority over their children when it may cause either of them some discomfort.  As our society becomes more and more dependent on the government, bewildered parents seek solutions from schools, police or state sponsored programs.  None of these attempted solutions, however, will ever replace the effectiveness of a diligent parent who places the desire to mold his child into a productive member of society over his need to be though of as “cool.”  

We’ve all heard an older person shake his head and say, “Kids these days.”  But today’s young people are no different than they have ever been.  Children have sought to test the limits of authority since the dawn of time.  The difference is found, not in the children, but in the parents.  As parents relax their authority in the name of “modern” parental ideas, the limitations become less and less restrictive.  Children, especially teenagers, will by nature push authority to the limit.  The failure of parents to enforce those boundaries will undoubtedly result in behavior like that described above.  Perhaps the old saying should be re-worded to begin, “Parents these days…”

Mike Parker is detective for the Mesquite Police Department, Mesquite, Texas (Population 140,000). He has 16 years in law enforcement, half of that as a detective.

Quoted: I have a 17 year old out of my house just because of his continual lack of authority and yes I did close to what the officer in the article said to do. It would work but would only be a temporary fix for a month or so and the same crap would start all over again. After continual "man to man" talks with him nothing sunk in. The final straw was that he decided that he was going to stay out overnight Friday night at a buddy's house when told no by his mother on the phone even after he had cut class for the day. A note from his mother was left on the table that he read before heading back out stating to stay home and he still walked out. I got home at 12:00 midnight from work, saw he was not home, packed all his crap into big black plastic bags and put it out on the lawn. The next day I changed the locks after work and we still did not hear from him. He showed up Sunday afternoon to get his stuff. He balmes it all on his Mom not giving him the "FREEDOM" to do what ever he wants. You want freedom my son, it is out through that door... It was one of the hardest things I ever had to do. He is going to learn that "the good old days" of hard labor (chores) at the Woodrow's was nothing like reality. He turns 18 in June. May GOD keep him safe. RW3

You are a real DAD.