About two years ago I was in Wichita Ka for some training on the plane I fly. As I am checking into the hotel I start to get some really painful gas cramps, probably from the grease I ate at the airport. I get checked in and not wanting to bust some serious ass in the main lobby I make a B line to the elevator. I get to the elevator and to my relief there in no one in it. I get in and proceed to let one rip and I swear this baby burnt a hole through my tighty whiteys! It was a work of art! Just about the time im done admiring my Mona Lisa and the door starts to close, a family of four (mom, dad and two small boys) decide to join me for the trip up. Im now thinking "awww hell, aint this an embarrasing bitch". The door closes and about the same time the mom smells something awful. She looks at the nearest boy to her and smacks him upside the head and says something like "you are such a pig". The kid has this bewildered expression on his face like what the hell did I do! Luckily I was on the 5th floor so the ride was fairly quick and I was able to vacate the AO rather quickly. I still feel sorry for that poor kid!

I did the same thing in a grocery store and as I headed down a row of sodas I hear a lady behind yelling at her kid when she got a whiff from my tow roped ass air through a shit filter.

Nothings better than cutting the cheese and letting someone else get the blame for it.

You could almost call it a game.

Well, I've had quite a few over the years, but this one sticks out in my memory.  Years ago when I was a young deputy, even when I was sick I would still report in and work my shift thinking it'll pass(gung ho I was).  One day I was ill and was working a wreck and just as I was finishing up I felt the ole bellowing bowell beast soon wanting to be relieved, so I walked a safe distance away from both parties and then let that dog out.  Only problem was that dog was half liquid and quickly headed for my shoes.  I quickly ended the wreck investigation and tried to stand and drive my old crown vic home.  It's impossible to stand with a load in your shorts and drive a crown vic.

My 15 year old nephew ripped and pulled a tow rope at a gunshow.  Fucked the whole aisle up.  At the time I blamed everyone but him.  Fuckin' fast food.

Oh man, digdug, !

I was working the weekend duty and had to change a right vertical stab light on one of our Phase F-15s.  I had been drinking Bitburger Pilsner and eating currywurst from a little imbess stand the previous night.  I was in the hanger and about 25 ft in the air when I let a little squeaker out.  I didn't think anything of it at the time.  About a minute later, I hear several people "Aw, GEEZE", the clatter of tools dropping and feet pounding for the door.  I thought somebody got hurt or something.  I found out that German beer/curry farts are heavier than air and have an expansion rate considerably higher than I expected.

I not only stunk myself and 3 other mechanics out of the area, I CLEARED the ENTIRE 200'x300' hangar.


 

Tums helps with the heartburn..but promotes gas, and makes crapping an interesting experience

So...one day...I had real bad gas. I've gotten good at letting it go quietly.

So..I went to Best Buy. I was in the first row of the Action aisle.

Got 1/3 the way down...had to let one go. This one..whoa. Hot. Lava hot. Stain the cieling tiles bad. I mean, it was NASTY.

So, I let it go, quietly...a good 5 second evacuation...take a good 3 or so steps to the left...

...right as a blue-shirted Best Buy employee comes walking by.

Now, I kid you not...

He walked through my cloud. Walked 5 feet past me...

Turned around (I was studiously examining DVD covers and pointedly not looking around..)...and said:

"OH MY GOD!!!!"

Grabbed the nearest DVD...waved it like a fan in front of his face...

and LITERALLY ran off.

That was a wonderful moment. I laughed all day.  

I was eating lunch in a crowded Mc Donalds with a potential customer when I just had to pass one.  I had been holding it back for awhile  but it was getting painfull, so I decided to try to meter it out a little at a time.  I rocked to the side and relaxed a little and the fart literally expoded out of my ass.  I was sitting  in one of those booths with the plastic seat, and it sounded like a 3 second drumroll.  The whole place went quiet.  As you know, those booth seats are all connected together so everyone on that side felt the vibration.  A little kid sitting directly behind me (it's still quiet) said in a loud voice "Damn mom did you feel that?"  The whole place exploded in laughter.  They all thought he had done it!  When we got outside the guy I was with told me that that was one of the funniest things he had ever seen!  And no, we didn't get the business.

A couple of times in high school, my buddies and I had a two day party down at my parent's country house.  Friday night would be guys only, with beer, poker, tromping through the woods all night, etc.  Saturday we'd get up, "shake off" Friday night, go fishing, shoot guns and wait for the girlies to come down Saturday night.  

One guy in particular - John - partied HARD Friday night, and started Saturday with "the hair of the dog."  By the time the girlies arrived late Saturday afternoon, he was crashed on the sofa, veggin', watching TV.  Kathy decided to start messing with John.

Kathy was one of our cheerleaders, pretty hot, and very fast.  She knew shit in high school I probably still don't know.  Anyway, she sits on the floor beside the sofa and starts F'ing with John: "Whazza matter, John - do you feeel baaad?  Is your tummy upset?"  Shit like that, and kinda poking him every now and then.

John took it for a while, but finally got fed up.  "Kathy, if you don't leave me alone, I'm gonna fart on you."  Kathy made a disgusted face and said, "John, you're so gross.  I can't believe you'd do that."  And then- the fatal mistake: "Besides, John (poke, poke) you don't feel good enough to do anything."

I don't think a rattlesnake could have struck faster than John's leg as it whipped around Kathy's head and pinned her scull between his knees in a scissorlock.  He then gave her about a three-second blast that sounded like a burlap bag tearing.  Of course, Kathy started screaming, and she just about tore her ears off her head as she tried to twist out of the scissorlock.

I busted my gut laughing.  Even today - 20 years later - I'll be at my desk quietly working and remember this and start laughing my ass off.

in church.

How about this, in HS I was in my psychology class doing relaxation techniques, lying on the floor with a towel under our heads, with about 30 people in the room.  It is about the end of class, fairly dark and completely quite. I did not know that I even needed to fart, but when I decided to throw something at one of my buddies across the room, I bent up fast and, whoops! I had four girls lying around me, and even the teacher was like, wow! God that was embarrassing, but very funny looking back.

Justin

I'm Gaspasser for a reason.  
One day my wife and I were at K-Mart.  I'd had BBQ chicken the night before and that always gets me going.  I'm bored watching her look at shirts when the need for relief arrives so I walk through the purse area and backed up to this tall 4 sided purse display rack.  I backed into it and cracked one off.  It was loud, but had no bite.  As I walked away past the rack I see a woman standing oo the other side looking at me.  She's got a purse in her hand and this stunned look on her face.  Every time we passed her in the store she gave me a dirty look and my wife was pissed when I told her why.  

I remember way back when I was in middle school, I always had a bit of a "digestive" problem.  I don't know what it was, maybe purberty/hormones, or maybe just bad cafeteria food.  Well, I was sitting in math class one day, and was feeling particularly uncomfortable.  Not the kind of uncomfortable where you know you have to fart or shit, but just generally uncomfortable.  I thought nothing of it, as it was unuasual to feel that way from time to time.  

Fast forward about 20-30 minutes.  For what ever reason, I had to sneeze.  No big deal.  Everyone sneezes, and it's not embarissing.  Plus, the hot chicks sitting around might say "Bless you."

Well, as luck would have it, I decided to sneeze.  At the same time as I let the sneeze out, my core/stomach muscles contract, and forced out a fart that echoed throughout the class room off of my my wooden desk chair.  Needless to say, my buddy sitting next to me is rolling on the floor in laughter and the rest of the people around me are pulling their shirts over their noses.  It was an embarassing day to say the least.  

A guy goes to pick up his date for the evening. She's not ready yet, so he has to sit in the living room with her parents. He has a BAD case of gas and really needs to relieve some pressure. Then, the family dog jumps up on the couch next to him. He decides that he can let a little fart out and if anyone notices they will think that the dog did it. He farts, and the woman yells, "Spot, get down from there." The guy thinks, "Great, they think the dog did it." He releases another fart, and the woman again yells for the dog to get down. This goes on for a couple more farts. Finally the woman yells, "Dammit Spot, get down before he sh*ts on you."

I was at the base theater for a commander's call. We were waiting for things to start, and I was sitting in the middle of a row of seats. All of a sudden, I just had to fart bad! I decided to let it out silently, which I did. It was an bad stench, and soon, the entire row of people except me moved to another row! A few minutes later, I took a seat behind my supervisor ( who farted all the time on purpose) he said in an angry voice "That was NOT funny!"

I would say it was during a grade-school gym class.  That month was "wrestling".  So the dumbass coach(*) calls my name and some other kid's name, and we go out into the middle of the circle to wrestle.

He grabs me, throws me to the mat, and PPPPPPFFFFFFFFTTTTTHHHHHH!  I get one knocked out of me.

The other kid screams "PIN!" and runs the hell out of the ring.

I had a nice long flight back from England this summer.  I hadn't done my usual "road trip" prep that includes no eating or drinking... have to the avoid pit stops, you see.  I skipped it assuming "aww hell, theres a bathroom on the plane."

Fast forward a few hours, and I'm sweatin like Rosie Odonnell at a KFC womens' night as I'm squashed inbetween two cows 10 rows behind the shitter.  I've got one eye on the movie playing and one eye on the refridgerater of a man wearing a turban, all the while trying to figure out if I can make it to the airport without dropping some serious butterscotch on the plane.

You know its bad when you have to wait for the gas bubble to seperate from the ass shmegma for the skillful release... and I spent 4 hours straight letting out carefully measured toots.  No rumblers, no squirts, and none got away from me.

We're starting to do the airport-circle in preparation for landing and something about the G forces pulling on my ass set off the "eject" switch... I let out a squeaker that turned into a rumbler as I lost control of it.  You have NOT seen dirty looks until you've had two Grade D bovine specimens glaring down on you from either side.

I did get some giggles from a nearby child.  It made me all warm and tingly inside.  

I left the warm tinglies in the airport pooper after we landed... and boy did that line at customs seem like the goddamn DMV as I did the "clench your ass and stand up straight" routine.

- BG

I was riding a bullet train from Toulon France to Paris.

I wanted to have a smoke so I had to go in between the cars to light up. I had been out there for 3 -4 minutes and I let a real green baby shit fart out.  About 30 secends later a old lady came outof the car ahead of me.  I smiled and said hi in what broken French I knew.  She smiled and said something under her breath.  She took out a cigerette out of her pack and put it in her mouth.  Then she cought the smell.  She put the cigerette back in her pack and went back in her car.  

All this happened while going 160 kph.  

I was busten ass again when one of the guys in my squadron came out and asked what the bad odor was.  Then I added a little force behind the one I was working on and he heard it.  He told me to check my shorts and went back in to get away from the stench.

During the summer before I was in Jr high school, me and 2 best friends used to ride our BMX bikes to Plaid Pantry almost every day and buy red hot burritos and big gulp soft drinks for lunch.  After we ate we would peddle back up the hill and head off to our next adventure.  We used to always try and fart on each other or see who could torch off the loudest or raunchiest fart, it was good fun.

   On that one particular day I had made the horrible decision of wearing the old Nike nylon running shorts with the built in underwear.  

    After eating the large sized red hot burrito and a packet of hot sauce per bite and downing 32 oz of Mt Dew it was time to ride up the hill.  The harmonic tremors were building in intensity in my gut.  I was going to ride right between my friends and yell TURBO as my ass blew out a hopefully loud and lengthy blast.  It was loud lengthy and if I wouldnt of had those shorts on I am sure it would have shot out at least 6 feet.  Hershey squirt city.

   My friends were on the ground in tears as I hurried to ride home with the nasty mess that I had created oozing out of my shorts and all over me and my bike.

I will never forget how disgusting the feel and smell of that day was.  It took along time for my friends to get over that one.


 That was honestly the end of my Plaid Pantry lunch habit.

Two stories come to mind here.  

1.  The g/f's truck was out of comission with a trashed tranny.  I had the bright idea to cook up a nice big pot of borscht.  Anyways, I'm giving her rides to and from work, and while at work, I'd eat up a huge bowl of borscht to try and stink out the guys at work.  Turns out the machine wouldn't get started till about 10 minuties before I picked up my g/f at work, and this was in the middle of December in North GA, where the weather could almost make NE Ohio look plesant.  Flying down the road at about 50 mph, I had to let one go every 5 minutes or so.  This was the kind of fart that would peel paint off of the walls.  My g/f had to do the whole ride home with her head out the window.


2.  Being a gung-ho new mechanic, I would go into work, no matter my condition.  I had to work on a MD-11 with about 6 guys, and I was feeling horrible.  I knew it would stink like hell, so I didn't want to use our line room bathroom.  I actually wanted to use another depts. bathroom.  When I jumped into the truck to go where they had parked the plane, I told the guy driving to step on it because I had to shit.  He didn't believe me, and took his sweet old time getting there.  By the time I got to the plane, I was in such bad condition, I shot up the stairs and went to the bathroom back in the back of coach.  As soon as ass touched seat, Guilden's Spicy Brown Mustard shit, just about filled the bowl, and the stench just about made me pass out.  The MD-11 lavs are equipped with nice little fans to help the lavs smell better and clear the stink out.  Well these fans, blow right out into the cabin, and by the time I stepped out, I noticed that the plane was deserted.  When I poked my head out the door, I saw all the guys I was working with, and they refused to go back onto the plane for at least another 30 mins.

This thread is almost as good as the fart thread a few months ago.

Quoted: It was loud lengthy and if I wouldnt of had those shorts on I am sure it would have shot out at least 6 feet.

I had a new girlfriend.  You know how it is at first, when you do not want her to hear you fart.  Well, we had gone out to ger her a Christmas tree.  The whole ride back in the pickup, I was really building up some ass pressure.  I knew if I could hold it until we got back to her place, I could get away for a minute to let it  rip out.  Well, after we got back, she stuck to my side the whole time, so I had to try and keep it in.  We were in her garage, and I was messing with the stand.  I was sqatting down, which is the worst possible position to hold one in.  I knew it was going to go into an overpressure relase at any moment.  Just then, riiiiiiipppppp.  It was her!!!  

Thank you all!

I haven't laughed this hard in years!    

I've got a couple.

The first one was when I was in middle school, 7th grade.  I was in shop class, we had to do some CO2 cartridge power car race.  This really irritating chick (who later became the most irritating flaming-liberal I've ever met) was pissing me off, I don't remember quite why.  As she was preparing to set the cars off, I walked over and yelled out something like "Eat this!" and tore a huge one on her head.  The teacher heard this, and started going nuts about respect and ended up sending me to the principal.  The teacher told him what happened, and he demanded that I appologize.  I refused and they suspended me for 3 days for farting.  Even through high school, every single smell got blamed on me... even the 10% that actually weren't me.

The second one had to have been one of the most embarrassing moments of my life.  A few years ago, in my martial arts class we were doing crunches on the ground.  There were two rows of about 6 people each in a somewhat small room.  My instructor decided to run across the stomachs of everyone in the room.  We were fairly close together... he made the first row, and got to the row I was in.  The second he stepped on me, it BLASTED one out so hard, it sounded like a trumpet blast more than a fart.  As mature as everyone was trying to be, everyone but the instructor busted out laughing.

For about the past 6 months, I worked at a small pizza place (Augie's Pizza, in NE Ohio there's a few).  The owner was a great guy, but he was huge... maybe 300lbs+?  His favorite thing to do was to trap someone in between the oven and the cooler and let one go... if it weren't for the oven's exhaust above me, I don't know if I'd be alive today.  It was worse when I would answer the phone, as I would take their order he'd tear one and waft it towards me with his apron... I'd have to say while holding my breath, "Could you excuse me for one second?" then I'd have to run to another phone.. sometimes I could hear the customers were laughing.

Oh... anyone seen "Mall Rats"?

Quoted: Oh... anyone seen "Mall Rats"?

"Say Mr. Svenning.  Would you like a chocolate covered pretzel?"

AHHHHH YESSSSSS ***WFART*** Stories!!!!!

Well I posted in the last explosive issue thread a few months ago! I ve been crying on this soo much I remebered another on of my adventures on a fishing trip back in Panama!

I spent 8 years in the Republic of Panama goin to school at DoDDS and hangin out with the GI's on Fort Clayton and Howard AFB. The on base rec center had at least 2 fishing trips a month to lake Arinosa (forgot how to spell it) but it is the best Peacock bass fishin in the world! Well, anyway, it all started when we stopped for a drink at a road side stand out in the interior. One of the guys on the trip with us was flirting with the girl there and it is our best guess that she put "real water" in our beer, ya know, beaver fever, giardia....or what ever the hell it is. Anyway, the six of us are in a toyota mini van doin 80 down un improved roads in the jungle when some one says "OH GOD, I think Iam gona.............." KASLOSSSSSSHHHHHHHHH!!!! I Jumped into the passenger seat onto a buddy of mine as this guys ass ejects watery shit out of his shorts all over the seat behond me. The next series of events were sudden and should not be attempted by readers, only professionals. The driver slams on the brakes just as the first vomit stream slams into the back of his head from the guy directly behind him due to the smell and sound of Jabba the hut flying out of the guys butt. The front seat passenger and I have the passenger door open as we fall out with the van brakes locked up on the loose gravel and me vomiting a spiral plume all over him as we roll down the road. The slide door opens just as the same guy yells with relief AGAIN as the next niagra falls rips though the air causing the guys next to him to finally scranble/jump out of the van. Both of these guys are covered in shit with soaked shorts. The driver is still dry heaving on the other side of the van, we are all laughing and puking as this guywho started the shit fest wont move from the his mess when it hits me! BOOOOMMMLOOSSSSSHHHHHHHH as my ass explodes! God, it was like a volcano with real live lava brusting down my legs! Bubbles shooting out of the holes in the tops of my reebocks and massive bloating of the shorts!

Needless to say, we were all puking from both ends within 20 minutes of each other. So we turned around with the windows open and hauled ass back to Gorgas Army hospital were we stayed for 2 days on iv's to get our SHIT, literally, back under control. That was the worst and funniest fishing trip I have ever been on!

Quoted: AHHHHH YESSSSSS ***WFART*** Stories!!!!! Well I posted in the last explosive issue thread a few months ago! I ve been crying on this soo much I remebered another on of my adventures on a fishing trip back in Panama! I spent 8 years in the Republic of Panama goin to school at DoDDS and hangin out with the GI's on Fort Clayton and Howard AFB. The on base rec center had at least 2 fishing trips a month to lake Arinosa (forgot how to spell it) but it is the best Peacock bass fishin in the world! Well, anyway, it all started when we stopped for a drink at a road side stand out in the interior. One of the guys on the trip with us was flirting with the girl there and it is our best guess that she put "real water" in our beer, ya know, beaver fever, giardia....or what ever the hell it is. Anyway, the six of us are in a toyota mini van doin 80 down un improved roads in the jungle when some one says "OH GOD, I think Iam gona.............." KASLOSSSSSSHHHHHHHHH!!!! I Jumped into the passenger seat onto a buddy of mine as this guys ass ejects watery shit out of his shorts all over the seat behond me. The next series of events were sudden and should not be attempted by readers, only professionals. The driver slams on the brakes just as the first vomit stream slams into the back of his head from the guy directly behind him due to the smell and sound of Jabba the hut flying out of the guys butt. The front seat passenger and I have the passenger door open as we fall out with the van brakes locked up on the loose gravel and me vomiting a spiral plume all over him as we roll down the road. The slide door opens just as the same guy yells with relief AGAIN as the next niagra falls rips though the air causing the guys next to him to finally scranble/jump out of the van. Both of these guys are covered in shit with soaked shorts. The driver is still dry heaving on the other side of the van, we are all laughing and puking as this guywho started the shit fest wont move from the his mess when it hits me! BOOOOMMMLOOSSSSSHHHHHHHH as my ass explodes! God, it was like a volcano with real live lava brusting down my legs! Bubbles shooting out of the holes in the tops of my reebocks and massive bloating of the shorts! Needless to say, we were all puking from both ends within 20 minutes of each other. So we turned around with the windows open and hauled ass back to Gorgas Army hospital were we stayed for 2 days on iv's to get our SHIT, literally, back under control. That was the worst and funniest fishing trip I have ever been on!

OMG! Comedy Gold in here!

It was history class, senior year 1983. A babe that I had been wanting to ask out for a while was handing a notebook to me. She was sitting in the aisle beside me one seat ahead. I leaned over the desk extending my arm out to her. We share an extended look at the moment we are both grasping the notebook. It was one of those magical looks that you hear music, and time is suspended briefly.
Then it slipped out. I ripped a high pitched staccato poot. I immediately came crashing back to reality an embarassment as she burst out in laughter so hard she spit in my face. It was undoubtedly the most humiliating moment of my life. To have a beautiful woman horse laugh in your face is a painful thing.

I never got around to asking her out.

Looking back I laugh my ass off thinking about it. Ah, the good old days.

One of my fart stories: My ex and I had gone out to dinner with some friend to an Afghani restaurant in Sunnyvale, CA….great food but they use a lot of yogurt in a dish called Mantu(Afghani Lasagna for lack of better description)….Problem is I’m lactose intolerant and it doesn’t take long for me to start producing what can only be described as a death stench that qualifies as a WMD……I mean it’s so bad it rivals the smell of a bloated dead animal……..Well after dinner our friends decided they wanted to stop in the local Barnes & Noble book store on the way home.

My ex, her friend and her husband all took off in different directions as I walked over towards the history section near the magazine racks…all the while my stomach is churning and I can feel the mother of all farts brewing………..fearing discovery and not knowing if It’s going to be loud I walked over to an area where I thought no one was…….I ripped the nastiest yet quietist fart of my life…………………….little did I know that a guy was seated on a bench one row over, this fart was so bad I had to walk away or risk choking to death ….as I walked two rows over I noticed the guy sitting on the bench starting to gag….he got up and started to walk away from the bench he was sitting on…….I’m starting to laugh trying not to call attention to myself for fear of getting caught. As the guy is walking away this lady in her 50’s walks towards the guy and starts fanning the magazine she has in her hands and very loudly says “ Jesus Christ man, next time use the bathroom, I came here to relax and read a magazine not inhale your shit”…….at this point I turned around and walked away as fast as I could because I was laughing so hard I was crying………I meet up with my ex who was standing at the check out counter, she wanted to know what was so funny so I told her what had happened. As we were waiting to check out the lady who had yelled at the guy was walking out of the store with her friend talking about that this “asshole” who had shit his pants over in the magazine area……….

Sitting in a bar in Quebec City 2 years ago, I thought I was all alone at the end of the bar. Figured it would be ok to let a little one go. Wrong. Little did I know that a young lady had walked up next to me and was going to order a drink. I dropped and looked over too late. She left. Oh well, I had fun.

I let a really bad one at work once, we were working in a wharehouse, it cleared everyone from thier desks, then the places QC manager(a mean old woman) comes up and walks right into it, she took it too stood right in the middle reading some papers.

You have no idea how bad my face and sides hurt right now!!!!

Today we salute YOU, Mr. Silent Killer Gas Passer.

I don't have a funny gaseous story right now, but when you see John Bigbute, tell him Lord Whorfin is looking for him.  

I had a sudden attack at work after a lunch of Indian food.

No one was around so I figured it would be safe to let one fly in the server room at work. Only me, my coworkers and the operator on duty have access to the room. They were all gone, and had been gone for about half an hour. All those fans on the 30+ servers in there served only to circulate and heat the putrid emission I put out. But I figured I was safe 'cause I was alone.

No sooner did I float a huge ripper (the kind where you can see your belly deflate) than the entire crew comes back from wherever the hell they all were. And they swipe in and troop into the server room because of some major issue that just occurred out on the floor. About 5 people.

One of the operators yells out "Holy shit! Who dropped ass in here?!"

That was over two years ago, I still get ribbed for it.

I'll give you two.

1.  I was in Sears walking along near the tool dep't.  I let off an SBD.  I didn't realize a couple of people were about 10 feet behind me.  I heard an "Oh, my gawd!" (NJ accent, it seemed).  "Oh, Oh."  I kept walking as if nothing had happened; it was hard to keep a straight face.

2.  In Corpus Christi, TX, the large movieplex (Muvico?) on PID, about a mile from the Gulf.  I was in the men's room, washing my hands, and thought I was just going to release a little pressure.  "Nothing," I thought.   They also had the door open to the men's room.  Out came the most horrendous sound.  It was one of my 5 best, lifetime.  It was so loud, I understand people in the passageway outside the men's room (a wide and long passage) turned to look.  My wife had been waiting outside and, yes I got it afterward.  

My best friend and I went to Perkins restaurant as a celebratory birthday lunch to him.  We were seated by the waitress and only one of three tables in the area occupied.  We had ordered our food and two women at this one table got up to leave.  One was an elderly woman and the other happened to be her daughter.

The elderly woman then let the longest juiciest fart I have ever heard in my entire life rip.  We were prayin this woman wore depends!!!  After about 15 seconds of hearing the unmistakeable sound of gas passing, the daughter had to comment "Oh mom, must have been those tests they did at the hospital."  

I was desperately trying to maintain a straight face and glanced up at my buddy.  He had this solid stone faced expression that just made me giggle a little more.  How he managed to keep that in was completely beyond me.

Moments later the elderly woman and her daughter were out of the restaurant and the waitress came over and asked if everything was ok.  I lost it, tears coming out of my eyes, my buddy finally lost it and the waitress starting laughing as well.

To make matters worse my buddy looks straight at me after about 2 minutes of side splitting laughter and says "I give it a 9 for length.  I'm damn proud, I don't think even I could have pulled that one off!"

So back in college, one of my roomates goes out on a blind date, and me and our third roomate are hanging out, watching tv.  About an hour goes by and the front door bangs open, the guy on the date comes rushing in and heads straight for the only bathroom, right off the livingroom.  His date trails in a moment later, and we are all entertained by some of the most unbelievable flatulence and related noises i have ever heard.  It should be noted at this point that the only roll of TP in the house is sitting on the coffee table, as we were out of napkins, and we had ordered a pizza.  The noises stop eventually, there is a few minutes of utter silence, and then the shower goes on.  ten minutes later, out he comes wrapped in a towel, heads for his bedroom, dresses, grabs his date and out they go.

The best part is that they eventually got married.  Talk about an understanding woman.

I work as a computer technician in the public schools here locally. So I got out to the schools and fix computers when they break mostly. Im in the classroom working on some random computer, and all the students and their teacher are out of the room and gone to lunch. I feel the urge, and just let out a big one. I figured why not, no one but me is in here, right?

10 seconds later the entire class of third graders and their teacher come back into the room. They all get settled at their desk, then one student blames the smell on another student! This sets off a ten minute blaming contest about who farted. Meanwhile, Im staring at the computer trying my damndest not to laugh. I get done on the computer, walk out into the hallway, and just BURST out laughing! It had to have been the funniest fart I've ever witnessed

I got a couple

I used to work Security at major medical center.  We used to have to drive Nurses to their cars at night.  I had just pulled the Jeep next to the Security office, when I let a mean one rip.  Just after that, one of my fellow guards, an old crusty retired cop, appears at the door with three Nurses, and he HAS to drive them.  Well it must of been a hanger, because the stench didn't hit until they were all in the Jeep. As I ducked around the corner, I could hear all those Nurses call Walter an "old pig", and shit like that.  Walter did not live that down for years.

The next was when I was in the USAF Security Police.  I was in our little report room, when the urge hit me.  I stuck my ass out the door and let one rip, that sounded like 12 Gage just went off.  BTW I'm still proud of that one.  Well, it seems that just down the hall was a USN Commander, and CPO who were trying to get one of their shitheads out of jail.  Next thing you know, one of my Sgts come in and attempts to read me the riot act, but gave up.  He couldn't stop laughing.  The Desk Sgt told me that the CPO busted out laughing, but the Commander just remained stone faced.

Oh my gosh this thread is killing me.

My favorite 2 gaseous experiences weren't even me unfortunately,

1) My wife and I were expecting our first child and she was trying to get me to go to natural birthing classes.  I knew the second the first contraction hit her that she'd be  hollerin' for an epidural so I resisted. Finally she convinced me to go to one.  

We were at our first class and part of the class was to have everyone sit in a big circle on the floor with their husbands behind them holding them up.  They were to practice breathing and getting in the right position.  Seated right across the circle from me was one of the cutest,  most petite women I have ever seen in my life.   She was also dressed really well with perfect makeup,  really nice clothes,  the works.

Well we get in position and do the breathing thing,  then the instructor tells the students to practice pushing a little.  Well you know where this is going;  as soon as we're instructed to push  this little tiny woman rips the loudest and longest fart I have ever heard in my life.  I mean it rattled the windows.  I was looking right at her and she was trying to stop it even while it was rushing out of her body.  I have never seen such a look of pure horror on anyone's face before or since. Mortified doesn't even begin to cover it.

Everyone just froze like statues, not sure what to do.  I was struggling mightly to contain my laughter and had mostly gotten a  handle on it when I glanced up at her husbands face.  He was apoplectic trying to contain the laughter. I have never seen anyone so red in my life.

AS soon as I saw his face, and he saw mine,  we both burst out laughing and that was the catalyst for everyone else.  The whole class of 30 some couples was rolling on the floor laughing.  The poor little girl got up and ran out,  beet red.  The husband tried to go with her but was having trouble standing upright.  I was crying I was laughing so hard and so was everyone else.  My wife let me have it for breaking out laughing and getting everyone going.

To her credit,  after we all calmed down she came back in and resumed the  class,  when she came back in she raised her arms up and nodded in acceptance of her new mantle of queen of the humungously loud fart.

I never had to go to class again because my wife was afraid I would misbehave,  and I was right, the second the first contraction hit my wife told me to go get the anesthesiologist and an epidural right that second and said if I came back without one, she would personally cut my balls off.


2)  This one is also at someone else's expense,  and totally awesome.   A guy I roomed with at BYU kept tellling me about "blue flames" and the fact that you could light your fart on fire.  I did not believe him at all and kept ribbing him about it. I honestly didn't think this would work  and he was full of it.  I heckled him about it so much he said he'd prove it to me on one condition;  At my next football game I would have to run out before kickoff,  to the 50 yard line and wave a towel around me head ten times and do a little dance.  He could then impress the girl he was with by telling her it was him that caused this dance.

I agreed to the conditions,  sure in my belief I would never have to perform this.    DAys went by without him needing to fart with me around. Then weeks.  I would occassionally jibe him about it but had mostly forgotten it.  One day as he's getting undressed to go to the shower he gets this weird look on his face.  Suddenly he lunges for his desk and grabs a lighter and yells,  "I GOT ONE, I GOT A BLUE FLAME COMING!"  

Now realize,  here is a man, getting ready to go to take a shower.  His entire outfit consists of a towel wrapped around his waist,  a pair of john kerrys (flip-flops) and a bar of soap.    I yell for a buddy in the next room to haul ass in here to witness the legendary blue flame and my roommate squats down and flips the towel up  so we can see the blue flame.

Just as he reaches around with the lighter to prove me wrong it dawns on me;  Here we have a bare ass, filled with hair,  and a flame right below said ass.  Blue flame or not, someone's losing some hair here.  I start to shout out a warning about the lighter flame and his ass  but it was too late.  Suddenly this huge jet of blue shot out of his ass  with a "Whoooosh!".  

The only problem was he was crouching down OVER the flame, not aiming backwards at it.  The magical blue flame traveled UPWARDS,  right into the forest of his ass hair where it suddently grew brighter!   I watched in fascinated horror as his ass was transformed from your pretty typical normal hairy butt into a glowing smoking ember in the space of a couple of seconds.  

It only took a milisecond for him to realize his ass was now on fire and to start beating at it like a crazed monkey.  He was slapping his ass and jumping around screeching,  with the rest of what was now a fairly sizeable crowd all trying to avoide the smoking, jumping ass.  

He finally realized the smoldering mess of his butt crack was still hot so he took off shrieking for the shower,  his towl flapping in the smoking breeze.

The last image I had of him was his panicked run for the shower,  smoke trailing from his scorched ass,  flip-flops clapping hurredly down the hall.  The room had that horrible burned hair funk and everyone was gagging on the smell and laughing hysterically, with tears running down their eyes.


epilogue;

I fulfilled my promise,  at the next game before kickoff I ran out to the 50 yard line,  held my helmet up in the air and waved a towel around ten times,  gyrating like I had been instructed and I was glad to do it.  

My roomie was pretty quiet after that, he'd suffered some light burns on his ass cheeks that required some salve and wearing loose cotton clothing for a few days.    He recovered but was always pretty quiet  about it,  despite being a local legend in the dorm for a while.

There cannot possibly be a funnier place in a hospital than the recovery area for colonoscopies.  

I am in an extreme risk category for colon cancer so, I had the 'ole ultra-humiliating butt-hole-scope ran, and I had it done in a hospital that does lots of them.  The prep area is immediately adjacent to the recovery area...you see, much air is pumped into the intestine to somehow aid the test that is expelled by semi-conscious patients in the recovery area--oh, about eight or ten of them at a time.  

As soon as I was wheeled into the prep area, I heard what I thought were the sounds of eight-year-old boys in an arm-pit farting contest--probably the finalists of the championship series I thought.  I sensed Lisa looking at me and I could imagine the look on her face so, I warned her not to look at me because it was all I had to not break into squalls of laughter.  I’m ok in a super-comical situation so long as I don’t look at anybody--I'm known for my ability to keep a straight face, but this was way too much.  

I’m desperately thinking about hunting and fast cars when a nurse bursts past the curtain to see if I needed anything.  She was alarmed at my red face I suppose, and asked if I was ok.  I thought it was a strange question so; I glanced at Lisa to gauge her reaction.  It was that look on her face of being on the edge of laughter; she was struggling very hard.  I turned away and asked the nurse in a laughter choking groan while gritting my teeth: “hhhhow can you dddoooo this job?”  Used to the question I suppose, she answered: “oh, you get used to it.  My kids can fart in church and I won’t even notice.”  

It was one of the other patients across the curtain that started laughing first…then me…then Lisa…and then about 20 other people.  The nurse went about her business.  We couldn’t wind down from it because as soon as we could hear again, there would be yet another series of semi-conscious souls, straining audibly and relieving them selves.  

Quoted: I had a new girlfriend.  You know how it is at first, when you do not want her to hear you fart.

Perfect opening!  I couldn't post this one before because I was at work.

I had a new girlfriend.  You know how it is, the first time in bed together, when you've just finished an intensely satisfying multihourlong exploration of every spot on each other's body, and you realize that the Mexican dinner you ate is beginning to build up gas pressure?

So I'm straining to hold it in, knowing that if I so much as edge toward the bathroom, my ass is gonna blow, when she lets out a gaspy totally pathetic little fart.  "pfft".

I sieze the moment and let mine go.  Ever had a fart that was so high-pressure that it felt like you'd just torn your nether orifice apart?  KABOOOM!

She laughed her ass off for at least a minute.  Whew!