I had parent/teacher conf. tonight and the ex was supposed to be there at 6 pm.  Ex does not show till 6:15.  Well, my daughter's conference is over by this time and she is disappointed.  While waiting to do the son's, the ex finally shows up.  I ask politely if I had told the ex the wrong time by mistake and the ex replies, "No", and that is all.  The ex talks to the children, but never directly to me.  Of course, by this time, I begin to wonder if I have done something wrong.  After the conferences are over, the ex wants to come to the house and play with the kids and I say okay.

Ex comes out, is obviously upset/angry with me.  I try talking about the kids' schedules and the ex leaves angry--in fact gets into car, slams door and drives off while I am attempting to talk.  I put the kids to bed and then attempt to call to see what the problem is--actually state that if we can't be at least civil around the kids then the ex should not be at my house with the kids (should take them to the ex's place).

I am making every attempt to be civil for the kids' sake.  Was I wrong to tell the ex not to come to my house to play with the kids?

To give a little background--when we separated we were very civil toward each other and could actually get along--way better than when we lived together.  The ex has only been gone just over a month and it's getting worse.  

What would you do or what have you done to make things better?  (I know--I know--there's no such thing as a good divorce!!!)

Do you two have joint custody?

Gotta have more info - what was the axe mad about?

Document EVERYTHING and get a badass "take thenm to the cleaners" type lawyer. That's the best advice I could anyone.

remain civil and let the ex be the antagonist in this story.

...........also get the layer that will " take them to the cleaners"...  seems like good advice.

Sounds like the reality of the split is starting to sink in.

You seem to be adapting well to it and I'll bet she isn't and it's now coming to the surface when you interact with her.

My ex-wife managed to create an entire mythology about how *I'd* fucked up things and about how terrible *I* was and that's why she wanted out.  Even HER friends that knew us didn't buy the bullshit because it was just that, bullshit.

Seems like your soon to be ex is coming to grips with that age old problem.  Most (not all) women deep down when it come to divorce will say "I'm just not happy!" and they pin the reason on "I'm not happy!" on the husband.  When they split, guess what?  They suddenly figure out that "they're STILL not happy!" and it didn't have anything (or much) to do with the husband.  That anger can be directed at you.   Of course one of the ways this shakes out is the woman gets MORE angry at you because things didn't magically change for the better after she left.

Women. Can't live with them, can't kill them.

Only the lawyers come out on top.

Keep a diary of everything that happens....it will probably get worse before it gets better.  Then use the diary to get custody.  If not full then the best you can..

Quoted: Sounds like the reality of the split is starting to sink in. You seem to be adapting well to it and I'll bet she isn't and it's now coming to the surface when you interact with her. My ex-wife managed to create an entire mythology about how *I'd* fucked up things and about how terrible *I* was and that's why she wanted out.  Even HER friends that knew us didn't buy the bullshit because it was just that, bullshit. Seems like your soon to be ex is coming to grips with that age old problem.  Most (not all) women deep down when it come to divorce will say "I'm just not happy!" and they pin the reason on "I'm not happy!" on the husband.  When they split, guess what?  They suddenly figure out that "they're STILL not happy!" and it didn't have anything (or much) to do with the husband.  That anger can be directed at you.   Of course one of the ways this shakes out is the woman gets MORE angry at you because things didn't magically change for the better after she left. Women. Can't live with them, can't kill them.

The nail has been struck squarely on the head!!!!!

Get a damn good lawyer. You are only beginning to se how nasty she will become. Best of luck!!!!

Quoted: Gotta have more info - what was the axe mad about?

If I knew what the axe was mad about I wouldn't have asked!

We've already both got our attorneys as this was going to be a simple, amicable split.  I am to get custody of the kids (Ex works two jobs--4-5 nights a week, 6pm-6am).

The ex has stated in the past "I just want to put you and the kids in the past and get on with my life".  How's that for a good parent?  Just trying to hurt me, but dragging the kids along for the ride.

Sorry to hear this. Keep your chin up and keep your head. Been through a tough one myself but believe me it does get a whole lot better.

Quoted: Keep a diary of everything that happens....it will probably get worse before it gets better.  Then use the diary to get custody.  If not full then the best you can..

I completely agree with keeping a diary of everything that happened.  A guy I work with went through a divorce and bitter custody battle for his kids.  During the entire time he kept a calendar and wrote in everything that happened or what was said.

When it came down to the battle, he won custody because his diary was the evidence that put the icing on the cake.

Good luck...

Don't be suprised if she says you hit her or drank too much, abused the kids, stuff like that. I've never gone thru a divorce (yet) but I've seen my dad go thru 2 and I know my mom made up some evil shit. She honest to God believes her own lies now 18 yrs later. She tried telling me how my dad used to abuse her on the phone about a month ago. Which is crap I watch him take a lot of crap from my mentally unstable mother. Try not to do anything with her with out a witness around if you want to completely cover your ass. Tape recorders and video tape can come in handy.

get a jewish lawyer and  nail her to the wall. This will only be the begining.


J

Tell her to STFU

Double-tap on securing a no-holds-barred attorney. She's getting into the post-separation phase & is developing that he=bad, me=good mentality that potentially precurses all sorts of vindictive legal manuevers. CYA & cut her off at the pass. A good attorney is worth the price you'd otherwise shill out in the grief she can potentially cost you. I'm no chauvenist by any stretch of the imagination, but you've got to be aware of the kind of history that is out there. The courts defer to women in the vast majority of cases.

The observation is straightforward & un-PC: evil women can be, & have been, utterly spiteful & vindictive purely for vanity & a desire to exact revenge for whatever imagined wrong they've suffered at your hands. Sad, but it does happen (Evil men tend to resort to different methods - usually more overt & violent). She has to demonstrate downright, undeniable evil before the scales start to tip out of her favor, so start now & ensure she doesn't sneak a trick on you, if she ever intends to. Women have been stabbing each other in the back since (at least) the teenage years. You won't get it any easier just because you are a father, were a former husband & aren't seasoned in their particular brand of come-uppance.

How can I speak this way, you may ask? Simple, really. I married a 'good' one, & she's brutally honest about the feminine state.  She's told me plenty of interesting tales about growing up & playing the 'girl game', as it were, & blatantly agrees that the women can be vindictive; that the court system is heavily skewed in their favor despite the history that is known & out there, & that it shouldn't be this way. Yeah, I definitely got lucky.

Now, maybe this'll blow over & maybe it won't. Getting good counsel doesn't have to mean blowing any sort of cover & signaling to her you're declaring war. It can be done discreetly. Go to a good lawyer, ask a lot of questions, & listen to the advice you are given. Listen, & don't think it couldn't happen to you. It can, & does, happen to guys like you. Often.

C Y A

Quoted: Quoted: Keep a diary of everything that happens....it will probably get worse before it gets better.  Then use the diary to get custody.  If not full then the best you can.. I completely agree with keeping a diary of everything that happened.  A guy I work with went through a divorce and bitter custody battle for his kids.  During the entire time he kept a calendar and wrote in everything that happened or what was said. When it came down to the battle, he won custody because his diary was the evidence that put the icing on the cake. Good luck...

can a guys journal\diarly of daily events really be the tip on the justice scale?

Quoted: Quoted: Quoted: Keep a diary of everything that happens....it will probably get worse before it gets better.  Then use the diary to get custody.  If not full then the best you can.. I completely agree with keeping a diary of everything that happened.  A guy I work with went through a divorce and bitter custody battle for his kids.  During the entire time he kept a calendar and wrote in everything that happened or what was said. When it came down to the battle, he won custody because his diary was the evidence that put the icing on the cake. Good luck... can a guys journal\diarly of daily events really be the tip on the justice scale?

It was in my co-workers case.  

His wife was cheating on him.  She would say she was going on a business trip to Toronto.  He would wriye down "business trip to Toronto".    He knew her online password to view her corporate credit card statement.  He would look a week after the trip and there were hotel bills from Phoenix.

The reason the diary is very good is that it is a record of the truth.  It is very diificult for a liar to try and cover tracks for a calendar worth of truth.

Get yourself a copy of that discontinued book "Hitman"..

A diary has saved me a few times.  I had to pay serious dollars for my atty to get custody worked out as my ex married an atty and they threatened to bury me with legal bills.  My atty said the diary was one of the most important things I could do.  They told us this in law school as well but I never really did any domestic litigation.  

One of my current co-workers got custody of his kids because his diary.  His ex consistantly took the kids to school late and he was able to cross reference the dates she had them due to the diary.

Quoted: Only the lawyers come out on top.

amen

I miss my ex, but my aim is improving.

I forgot to add in my earlier post:  Sounds like you are doing the right thing and putting the kids first.  My advice is to always do that.  It will be extreamly difficult, but don't fight with her in front of them, never talk negatively about her in front of them, and do everything you can do to be a good parent for them.  They are your first responsability.  It will be worth every time you bit your tongue when your child gets older and thanks you for always being nice when her mother always acted like an ass.  (My daughter is now 14 and lives primarily with me by her own choice.  Her mother and I separated 10 years ago.)

Good luck

get a jewish lawyer and nail her to the wall.

I can be that Jewish lawyer who will nail her on the wall.  Hell, she works the write hours, maybe I seen her at Porky's.

Anywho, for the same price, I'll nail her on the floor or in a chair.

Assuming you are a member here because you are a firearms enthusiast, get your firearms situation in order asap.  Your ownership/possession of firearms is bound to be brought up sooner or later.

Get one of those tiny tape recorders.  Use it wisely, and often.

Stay calm and reasonable no matter what she does.  If she were to slap or strike you, do not even block her blow, do not resist in any way or you could be construed to be the aggressor.

Try not to be around her without other people that could be potential witnesses.

Get a hungry Jewish lawyer that has a pregnant wife and a few kids to support.  And a reputation as a bulldog.

OJ Simpson has the two things every man wants: a Heisman Trophy and a dead ex-wife.

GunLvrPHD: OJ actually had 2 ex-wifes. The 1st is still alive & well.

Quoted: Quoted: Gotta have more info - what was the axe mad about? If I knew what the axe was mad about I wouldn't have asked!

Don't ask. You are no longer her spouse. It's no longer your affair, if you'll pardon the term.

We've already both got our attorneys as this was going to be a simple, amicable split.

I am to get custody of the kids (Ex works two jobs--4-5 nights a week, 6pm-6am).

It must be a very good lawyer, very exceptional judge and scumbag mother that will let you do that.

The ex has stated in the past "I just want to put you and the kids in the past and get on with my life".  How's that for a good parent?  Just trying to hurt me, but dragging the kids along for the ride.

I rest my case, Your Honor. Lawyer up, and dummy up!

PS "I just want to put you and the kids in the past and get on with my life". What a shitbag. I'd keep a legal minefield around you and the kids to keep her way away....

Get rid of your guns asap! Just get them to a friends house till this shit is over. Keep one for defense but admit nothing.
Tape record every conversation.

You guys are nissing the point here... SKWARE has not indicated that "the ex" is the poster's wife.

As a matter of fact, all signs point to the ex being the husband.  

VERY interesting post.


And, yes, there are good divorces, as in the saying "there are bad marriages and good divorces."

There's always two sides to every story.  His, hers and the truth usually lies somewhere in the middle.  

Did it occur to you that the ex's mood might not have had anything to do with you?  That as your STBX he/she didn't owe you an explanation?

Thank you, Lord, for making my divorce (so far) a relatively civil one!

Some of this has been said before, but I will add my bit.  
CYA! CYA! CYA! CYA! CYA! CYA!

The best advice is to get a good atty.  Listen to what they say and heed their advice.  That is what you are paying them for.  Otherwise, it is money wasted, YOU WILL GET SCREWED, and it will be your fault.    If you don't like your atty's approach to the situtiation - change atty's.  You are paying for a service, just like a good gunsmith.  

Sit down and think about all the bad things she could do or to screw with you.  It's a sure thing you will miss alot.  Get into the mind set that she has already taken steps to do those things.  Prepare yourself against them.

Be clear on the laws in your state and how they can affect you and your position.  Find out what the "worst case" scenario is.  Could you potenitally lose custody of your kids?  Why?
If your wife left you and the kids due to an affair, does it count in court in your state?  It doesn't in Virginia.  This happened to a couple of friends of mine.  They wanted to "get the bitch" for adultery.  Guess what?  VA laws says, "So what."  

Write EVERYTHING down (log, diary).  Oh yeah....IT DOES COUNT!  Assume that she is already doing this and her log won't say she was late to the P/T conference.  If you have a custody agreement and/or child support with her through the courts, she is obligated to abide by it.  Write down when she calls the kids, when she visits the kids, when she takes the kids for a weekend and the duration for all events.  Keep track of your expenses on the kids.  Keep track of her child support payments to you.  Is she on-time with them, late, pays too little?  Is she verbally abusive to you in front of the kids?  Does she try to tell them that, "Daddy is bad, an asshole, etc."?

Play nice (as hard as it my be) - especially in front of the kids.  Don't run her down to the kids. They may not understand it now, but they will figure out Mom is a loon in the years to come.  Little comfort now, but it will pay off to your benifit.  However, don't BE so nice that she can walk all over you.

Keep your cards close to your vest and don't tip your hand.  Don't threaten to take an action in anger or tell her what you are doing to protect yourself (ex: I'm keeping a log on you you #@$%*).

If you haven't done so, separate ALL your financial ties from her.  Joint credit cards, bank accounts, real property.  If you have to, scheme to get this done in your favor.

There are several books out there worth reading.  The one I've got is "Screw the Bitch: Divorce Tactics for Men"  by Dick Hart.  Most of these books try to tell you to plan in advance for a potential divorce, but also give advice on how to salvage you finances and protect yourself.

I've been dealing with my ex for 2 years now and it is a rollor coaster ride.  The best thing to do is hope for the best and expect the worst.  This way, you won't have any suprises.

P.S. - Your guns.  Lose them in a tragic boating accident.

Quoted: The ex has stated in the past "I just want to put you and the kids in the past and get on with my life".   How's that for a good parent?  Just trying to hurt me, but dragging the kids along for the ride.

The ex... Husband or Wife?

Quoted: You guys are nissing the point here... SKWARE has not indicated that "the ex" is the poster's wife. As a matter of fact, all signs point to the ex being the husband.  here

+ 1

Methinks SKWARE is the wifey.hock.gif

By the description above, though, the ex is still a bitch.

Quoted: Quoted: You guys are nissing the point here... SKWARE has not indicated that "the ex" is the poster's wife. As a matter of fact, all signs point to the ex being the husband.   VERY interesting post. And, yes, there are good divorces, as in the saying "there are bad marriages and good divorces." + 1 Methinks SKWARE is the wifey.

So I guess the usual pooper / pics comment would be a bad thing.
I'd wondered why Ripmeyer stopped posting.

Thank God I've never married.Thank God I've never married.Thank God I've never married.
Thank God I've never married.Thank God I've never married.Thank God I've never married.
Thank God I've never married.Thank God I've never married.Thank God I've never married.
Thank God I've never married.Thank God I've never married.Thank God I've never married.
Thank God I've never married.Thank God I've never married.Thank God I've never married.
Thank God I've never married.Thank God I've never married.Thank God I've never married.
Thank God I've never married.Thank God I've never married.Thank God I've never married.
Thank God I've never married.Thank God I've never married.Thank God I've never married.
Thank God I've never married.Thank God I've never married.Thank God I've never married.

Quoted: Thank God I've never married.Thank God I've never married.Thank God I've never married. Thank God I've never married.Thank God I've never married.Thank God I've never married. Thank God I've never married.Thank God I've never married.Thank God I've never married. Thank God I've never married.Thank God I've never married.Thank God I've never married. Thank God I've never married.Thank God I've never married.Thank God I've never married. Thank God I've never married.Thank God I've never married.Thank God I've never married. Thank God I've never married.Thank God I've never married.Thank God I've never married. Thank God I've never married.Thank God I've never married.Thank God I've never married. Thank God I've never married.Thank God I've never married.Thank God I've never married.

If you think that way, I'm sure there are an awful lot of *very* relieved women in your AO.  



Seriously, you're missing out on one of the best things in life.  

Besides Philly cheese staeaks, of course.  

Don't buy into the hater's bitter squeals of pain.  Remember, there are *good* marriages.

Quoted: Don't buy into the hater's bitter squeals of pain.  Remember, there are *good* marriages.

And there are good odds in Vegas too.
Some people think they can beat the odds, and brag about their winnings.  You never hear about how much they lost.  If you are married once and have no other experiences, then you are only as much as expert as the blackjack player who has sat down at his first game.  Don't try to sell us your system, your "partner" isn't playing the same game (as much as you think).

Quoted: Quoted: Don't buy into the hater's bitter squeals of pain.  Remember, there are *good* marriages. And there are good odds in Vegas too. Some people think they can beat the odds, and brag about their winnings.  You never hear about how much they lost.  If you are married once and have no other experiences, then you are only as much as expert as the blackjack player who has sat down at his first game.  Don't try to sell us your system, your "partner" isn't playing the same game (as much as you think).

A good marriage is like hitting the jackpot.  It's not easy, but it does happen.

You just have to do your part, from the picking, to the maintenance, to the growing up yourself.  

Not ncessarily in that order, I guess...

A shovel...and a bag of lye

Quoted: Methinks SKWARE is the wifey.

Raising these kids by myself I sometimes feel like the wifey!!!

i to experianced this type of situation. i'm a single dad who's ex gave me the kids in family court, then for months later claimed i stole them from her. we had a decent legal agreement regarding child support that she'd pay me each month. once she got a computer and got hooked in the chat rooms and started  traveling around the country to meet guys, i saw she had money for her fun and games. i asked her  one day in november if she could give me an extra $100 for the heat bill and she got snotty and said she was leaving tuesday to go to texas to meet a guy [hoping it would hurt me to hear that], so once i heard that i said to myself ok no more mr. nice guy and went to see a lawyer about increasing the child support she had to pay me. as it turned out , the amount was doubled, which freed up more of my money to allow me to buy more guns and ammo. [hehehehe]  it really put the kabosh on her lifestyle plus allowed me to be able to afford things for the kids. that was a few years ago and to this day i don't tell the kids when or how much money she pays me in child support, if they need something and i don't have the money at that time , i tell them i'll have to go to the bank to get it [makeing it look like it's MY money thats being spent on them]. and yes i have taped the phone calls between her and the kids and set aside some tapes if needed because she would bad mouth me to the kids and has tried luring them to come live with her. [they're only dollar signs to her] so yes i agree to taping any correspondance with her and keeping a diary. as it stands now, she has very little contact with the kids except when they have sporting events. then she likes to come out of the woodwork to show off her little trophy athletes and make a scene in public of hugging them like some sweet loving little mommy when there's an audience around, then she's gone in 5 minutes. however dad here  has been the only one to go to their open house at school to talk to the teachers the last 5 years as well as running them to their practices and games as needed and filming with the cam corder all their events. rest assured the kids DO see that and remember that over the years. they'll see you as the one with no weekend life staying home folding clothes while they're out at the movies or school dances and you're available at all times should any problems come up, such as needing new football spikes or wrestling shoes or track shoes and with a playoff game on a turf field a week away, dad orders their turf shoes [ 2 pair] online using his credit card and paying extra for express mail so they'll be able to get in 2-3 practices in them before the next game. all this is right in front of the kids and what they see everyday from dad and what they'll remember in the years to come when the word sacrifice comes up. you're to be admired greatly for wanting to raise your kids yourself. they didn't ask to be born,you brought them into this world and it's your duty to raise them to be upstanding adults and i have no doubts thats your intentions. let that shitbag ex wife of yours chase her freedom and independance because she'll never be able to compare any happiness SHE may find with the happiness you'll get from reading the handwritten notes on your birthday cards and fathers day cards the kids'll give you. a few short years from now you'll see those results and know that you and only you are the one who's had that positive influence on those kids and the last laugh is on her, and also as a plus you'll have the gratification of knowing and often hearing teachers and neighbors and other adults tell you that you've done damn good with them kids or their dad raised them aren't they darn good kids?  you'll giggle as you'll know all heads will turn towards the mother and eye brows will raise, as you see the gears turning and know other people are saying "what a worthless shitbag to walk out of her kids lives".

sad situation. I hope my kids never have to go through this. good thing I married a girl with her LD/ED teaching degree. She knows how to put up with me.

I'm not a family attorney and don't want to be one, but make sure your attorney "has a pair" (a lot don't or believe they are acting nice in their client's interest or on client instruction - make sure you tell yours to protect you and your kids without reservations).  Dads need every bit of defense they can muster (including offense) to defend themselves and their kids against angry women, who generally have the advantage in court.  If she's packed up, your duty is to your kids first (if she's this angry in public, without provocation, there's issues), reconciliation or being "nice" to her second.  I have seen too many guys (and worse, their kids) get sucker punched because they were trying to "do the right thing", unfortunately at the wrong time.

Always be civil and polite, document EVERYTHING (+1 on the diary/journal and witnesses advice), and make sure your attorney knows it is ok to go on the offense.  If the ex is unhappy, the next thing she is going to think will make her happy is all of your money and property.  She may (and probably will) go after the kids in order to extort more out of you in a settlement that lets you keep the kids.  If she gets confrontational, try and have a witness around or quickly available, (or just say "Let's table this until Mr. X or my attorney arrives", at which point she will either shut up or leave).

Just my 2 cents from handling a few family cases during my legal aid requirements in school.

Good luck and protect the kids.

Quoted: Sounds like the reality of the split is starting to sink in. You seem to be adapting well to it and I'll bet she isn't and it's now coming to the surface when you interact with her. My ex-wife managed to create an entire mythology about how *I'd* fucked up things and about how terrible *I* was and that's why she wanted out.  Even HER friends that knew us didn't buy the bullshit because it was just that, bullshit. Seems like your soon to be ex is coming to grips with that age old problem.  Most (not all) women deep down when it come to divorce will say "I'm just not happy!" and they pin the reason on "I'm not happy!" on the husband.  When they split, guess what?  They suddenly figure out that "they're STILL not happy!" and it didn't have anything (or much) to do with the husband.  That anger can be directed at you.   Of course one of the ways this shakes out is the woman gets MORE angry at you because things didn't magically change for the better after she left. Women. Can't live with them, can't kill them.

Good answer. Sounds like she just learned that you weren't all that bad after all, and she's screwed up royally, and she knows it.

Shoot.
Shovel.
Shut up.