What does TGIF stand for ?




The Marine Corps puts it on the inside of thier boots,

Toes go in first

... There's a Marine in the bathroom using the urinal, a Navy guy comes in and uses another urinal. The Navy guy finishes before the Marine and stops to wash his hands. The Marine finishes and walks out of the bathroom. The Navy guy quickly catches up to the Marine and asks, "Hey?! Don't they teach you to wash your hands in the Corps?" The Marine sums up the Navy guy, and quickly responds, "In the Corps they teach us not to pee on our hands."

Whats the differance between the Air Force and the Boy Scouts ?


The Boy Scouts have adult supervision !

Quoted: ... There's a Marine in the bathroom using the urinal, a Navy guy comes in and uses another urinal. The Navy guy finishes before the Marine and stops to wash his hands. The Marine finishes and walks out of the bathroom. The Navy guy quickly catches up to the Marine and asks, "Hey?! Don't they teach you to wash your hands in the Corps?" The Marine sums up the Navy guy, and quickly responds, "In the Corps they teach us not to pee on our hands."

Do Marines really use the word "pee"?

Quoted: Quoted: ... There's a Marine in the bathroom using the urinal, a Navy guy comes in and uses another urinal. The Navy guy finishes before the Marine and stops to wash his hands. The Marine finishes and walks out of the bathroom. The Navy guy quickly catches up to the Marine and asks, "Hey?! Don't they teach you to wash your hands in the Corps?" The Marine sums up the Navy guy, and quickly responds, "In the Corps they teach us not to pee on our hands." Do Marines really use the word "pee"?

Funny. The version I heard was the Navy guy telling an Air Force type they teach us not to PISS on ourselves....



Difference between the Boy Scouts and the Army?

Army has artillery...

I wanted to join the coast guard but I was not tall enough..... You have to be 1 fathom tall to be able to walk to shore if your boat sinks.

I told that to a Coastie who did not get it.  He tried telling me that yes, they do go out into the blue water almost as far as the Navy.  I played dumb but skeptical.

Navy to Air Force: Flaring to land is like squatting to pee.

Why do Navy ships only use powdered soap in the heads?




It takes longer to pick up.






Why did God give Marines one more IQ point than horses?




So they can march in parades without shitting in the street.

Why does the Navy put Marines on their ships?
Sheep would be to obvious.

Since the majority of the jokes so fare are USMC jokes...

What does Marine stand for?

'My Ass Really Is Navy Equipment'

Quoted: Why did God give Marines one more IQ point than horses? So they can march in parades without shitting in the street.

How to Simulate Life in the Navy


1. Buy a dumpster, paint it gray, and live in it for 6 months straight.

2. Run all of the piping and wires inside your house on the outside of the walls.

3. Pump 10 inches of nasty, crappy water into your basement, then pump it out, clean up, and paint the basement "deck gray".

4. Every couple of weeks, dress up in your best clothes and go the scummiest part of town, find the most run down, trashy bar you can, pay $10 per beer until you're hammered, then walk home in the freezing cold.

5. Perform a weekly disassembly and inspection of your lawnmower.

6. On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays turn your water temperature up to 200 degrees, then on Tuesday and Thursday turn it down to 10 degrees. On Saturdays, and Sundays declare to your entire family that they used too much water during the week, so all showering is secured.

7. Raise your bed to within 6 inches of the ceiling.

8. Have your next door neighbor come over each day at 5am, and blow a whistle so loud that Helen Keller could hear it and shout "Reveille, Reveille, all hands heave out and trice up".

9. Have your mother-in-law write down everything she's going to do the following day, then have her make you stand in the back yard at 6am and read it to you.

10. Eat the raunchiest Mexican food you can find for three days straight, then lock yourself out of the bathroom for 12 hours, and hang a sign on the door that reads "Secured-contact OA division at X-3053".

11. Submit a request form to your father-in-law, asking if it's ok for you to leave your house before 3pm.

12. Invite 200 of your not-so-closest friends to come over, then board up all the windows and doors to your house for 6 months. After the 6 months is up, take down the boards, wave at your friends and family through the front window of your home...you can't leave until the next day; you have duty.

13. Shower with above-mentioned friends.

14. Make your family qualify to operate all the appliances in your home (i.e. Dishwasher operator, blender technician, etc.).

15. Walk around your car for 4 hours checking the tire pressure every 15 minutes.

16. Sit in your car and let it run for 4 hours before going anywhere. This is to ensure your engine is properly "lighted off".

17. Empty all the garbage bins in your house, and sweep your driveway 3 times a day, whether they need it or not. (Now sweepers, start your brooms, clean sweepdown fore and aft, empty all trash over the fantail)

18. Repaint your entire house once a month.

19. Cook all of your food blindfolded, groping for any spice and seasoning you can get your hands on.

20.Use eighteen scoops of budget coffee grounds per pot, and allow each pot to sit 5 hours before drinking.

21. Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month, read your magazines, and randomly lose every 5th item.

22. Spend $20,000 on a satellite system for your TV, but only watch CNN and the Weather Channel.

23. Avoid watching TV with the exception of movies which are played in the middle of the night. Have the family vote on which movie to watch and then show a different one.

24. Have your 5-year-old cousin give you a haircut with goat shears.

25. Sew back pockets to the front of your pants.

26. Spend 2 weeks in the red-light districts of Europe, and call it "world travel".

27. Attempt to spend 5 years working at McDonalds, and NOT get promoted.

28. Ensure that any promotions you do get are from stepping on the dead bodies of your co-workers.

29. Needle gun the aluminum siding on your house after your neighbors have gone to bed.

30. When your children are in bed, run into their room with a megaphone, and shout at the top of your lungs that your home is under attack, and order them to man their battle stations. ("General quarters, general quarters, all hands man your battle stations")

31. Make your family menu a week ahead of time and do so without checking the pantry and refrigerator.

32. Post a menu on the refrigerator door informing your family that you are having steak for dinner. Then make them wait in line for at least an hour, when they finally get to the kitchen, tell them that you are out of steak, but you have dried ham or hot dogs. Repeat daily until they don't pay attention to the menu any more and they just ask for hot dogs.

33. When baking a cake, prop up one side of the pan while it is in the oven. Spread icing on real thick to level it off.

34. In the middle of January, place a podium at the end of your driveway. Have you family stand watches at the podium, rotating at 4-hour intervals.

35. Lock yourself and your family in your house for 6 weeks. Then tell them that at the end of the 6th week you're going to take them to Disneyland for "weekend liberty". When the end of the 6th week rolls around, inform them that Disneyland has been canceled due to the fact that they need to get ready for engineering-certification, and that it will be another week before they can leave the house.

36. In your grim, gray dumpster (refer to #1), with 200 of your not-so-closest friend (cite para. 12) regardless of gender, suffer through PMS!

37. Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with a curtain. Have you wife whip open the curtain about 3 hours after you go to sleep. She should then shine a flashlight in your eyes and mumble "Sorry, wrong rack"

38. Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the middle of your bathtub, move the shower head to chest level. When you take showers, make sure you shut off the water while you soap down.

39. When there is a thunderstorm in your area, find a wobbly rocking chair and rock as hard as you can until you become nauseous. have a supply of stale crackers in your shirt pocket.

40. Put lube oil in your humidifier and set it on high.

41. For ex-engineering types: leave the lawn mower running in your living room eight hours a day.

42. Have the paperboy give you a haircut.

43. Once a week, blow compressed air up your chimney, making sure the wind carries the soot onto your neighbors house. Ignore his complaints.

44. Every other month buy green or red marine primer and put it in a paint sprayer. Spray it over the roof of your house onto your neighbor's car. Ignore his complaints.

45. Lock wire the lug nuts on your car.

46. Buy a trash compactor, but use it only once a week. Store the garbage on the other side of your bathtub.

47. Get up every night around midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on stale bread.

48. Set your alarm clock to go off at random during the night, jump up and get dressed as fast as you can making sure you button up the top button on your shirt, stuff you pants into your socks. Run out into the
backyard and uncoil the garden hose.

49. Once a month, take every major appliance apart and put them back together again.

50. Install a fluorescent lamp under the coffee table and then get under it and read books.

51. Raise the thresholds and lower the top sills of your front and back doors so that you either trip or bang your head every time you pass through one of them.

52. Every so often, throw the cat in the pool and shout "Man overboard, starboard side" Then run into the house and sweep all the pots and dishes off the counter. Yell at the wife and kids for not having the kitchen
"stowed for sea".

53. Put on the headphones from your stereo set, but don't plug them in. Hang a paper cup around your neck with string. Go stand in front of your stove. Say ... to no one in particular "Stove manned and ready" Stand there for three or four hours. And say again to no one in particular "stove secured". Roll up your headphones and paper cup and place them in a box.

One day, God was bored.  So he decided to look around the world for something interesting.

He saw a Zodiac filled with Army Rangers paddling down the Chattahoochee River on a training mission. "Hooah, hooah, hooah," with every paddle stroke.

He wondered...what would happen if I took a quarter of there brain away...

A flash of lightening and a clapof thunder...BOOM.

The Rangers stopped, looked at each other for a second, and then continued on, "hooah, hooah, hooah," with each paddle stroke.

"Hmmm...," God thought..."No effect."

"I wonder what would happen if I took half of their brains away?"

A flash of lightening and a clap of thunder...BOOM!

The Rangers stopped...looked at each other...shook their heads...and continued on.

"hooah, hooah, hooah," with each stroke of the paddle.

God thought, "Hmm...still no effect...I wonder what would happen if I took ALL of their brains away?"

Two flashes of lightening and three claps of thunder sound off...

The Rangers stopped, looked at each other, shook their heads, and continued paddling.

"From the halls of Montezu-uma to the shores of Tripoli..."

A sailor walked into a public restroom and there was a little boy standing in there. The little boy sees the sailor and says "wow a rea sailor" The sailor says" yep I'm a sailor wanna wear my hat ?" So the little boy is standing there with the hat on and a marine walks in. Little boy says "Wow a real marine"
Marine says "yeah sonny wanna suck my dick" Kid says "I'm not a real sailor I'm just wearing the hat"

1776 - you're spot on...

The difference between the branches- Tell a soldier from each branch to "secure a building"

Marine - Calls out MEF,  long range shells the building, then plants a battalion of toifel hundts to shoot anybody that moves around or in it...

Army - Grabs the rest of his squad, performs MOUT tactics, drops grenades into each room, sprays mops up any resistance...

Navy - Goes through the building, turns out all the lights, makes sure the trash cans are emptied and that the stove is off, locks all the doors, then goes for coffee...

Air Force - Calls GPO procurement office, finds out going rate for a "building, residential, quantity:1" - arranges deal with realtor of building, sends paperwork to the Old Man, takes nap...


When somebody audibly farts, turn to them, and ask "Lieutenant who?"

Just remember the last part of the Marine Corps Hym guys:

"If the Army and the Navy ever looked on heaven's scenes, they would see the streets are guarded by United States Marines!"

What does USMC stand for?

U
S igned the
M other fuckin'
C ontract

U ncle
S am's
M isguided
C hildren


How did the Corps come up with the Symbol (the eagle, globe & anchor) it uses?
Here is the deal:

The MARINE'S stole the ROPE frrom the Army, The EAGLE from the Air Force, the ANCHOR from the Navy, and on the 7th day when GOD rested, we over ran his perimiter and took control of the world. We have been running the show ever since!

U.S. Marines walk like soliders, talk like sailors and slap the hell out of the both of them.


Proud Graduate of Paris Island, Platoon 2090 class of 89' (out in 96')
Ray Woodrow 3rd

How many Team Guys does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Just one.  The light bulb revolves around him.

Why does the Army say hoo-ah?
Because they can't pronounce hoo-rah..

Why does the Army say hoo-ah instead of hoo-rah like the Marines?
Because it's difficult to say hoo-rah with a dick in your mouth...

Why did the Navy switch to liquid soap in the showers?
Because it's harder to pick up when dropped...

What does the 1st Cavalry Patch mean?
1. The horse they'll never ride
2. The line they'll never hold
3. And the color tells it all

GEEEEZ!

Some of these are HARSH!

N - Never
A - Again
V - Volunteer
Y - Yourself


Don't get me started on simulating Navy life at home. I have the definitive list!