"My mother breast-fed me through a straw."

My wife and I were happy for twenty years.
Then we met

My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.

My daughter's been picked up so many times, she's startin' to grow handles.
Boy, I came home the other night, the parrot says "quick, out the window."

A girl phoned me the other day and said "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

My wife's cooking is so bad the flies chipped in to fix the screen door.

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

I'm on a new diet; viagra and prune juice, I don't know if I'm comin' or goin' !

My wife keeps my in line, no matter how many guys are in front of me !

When I was a kid, I asked my dad if I could go ice skating.

He told me to wait until it warmed up.

My wife cooks so bad we pray after we eat,,,,, I've got the only dog in town that begs for alka-seltzer,,,, I leave dental floss in the kitchen and the roaches hang themselves.

My wife likes to talk when she's having sex,,, The other day she called me from a motel room!!!
Lately she's been into S & M,,, you know salesmen and mechanics!!!!



Edited to add:  " I get no respect "

My wife is a water sign, while I'm an earth.
Together we make mud.

I was so poor growing up ... If I wasn't born a boy ... I'd have had nothing to play with.

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

Its been a rough day. I got up this morning ... put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

The last date I had, came in a can

I have been bored, so I joined a bridge club. I jump off tomorrow

My wife told me to take out the garbage. I told her "You cooked it, you take it out"

I get no respect. I bought a cemetery plot. I heard someone say. "There goes the neighborhood"

Cute kid.......Now I know why lions eat their young

My wife met me at the door wearing see-through lingerie , but she was comming home.

I tell you, with my doctor, I don't get no respect. Well, I told him I've swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. He told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, "We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again."

With my dog I don't get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave.

Last week I saw my psychiatrist. I told him, "Doc, I keep thinking I'm a dog." He told me to get off his couch.

One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went to Florida.


When I was born, the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm very sorry. We did everything we could...but he pulled through."

My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

Once when I was lost I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid. There are so many places they can hide."

My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said, "Did you see the guy that did it?" She said, "No, but I got the license plate."

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

One day as I came home early from work, I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy...why are you doing that for?" He said, "Because you came home early."

I went to the fair and gave my kid $10. I said, "Have a good time". The kid took a cab home.

I went to see my doctor. I told him, "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me? He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."

This is already a great thread,,, I read these and I can hear Rodney doing them in my head in his voice.
Someone said in an earlier thread about R.D. that the world is a little less funny today,,,, I dont remeber who it was but it was right on.
THE WORLD IS A LITTLE LESS FUNNY TODAY!

One of my favorite one liners from "Easy Money":

Monty was in the kitchen trying to build a model plane to take his mind off of quitting smoking and he is shaking too bad to do it.  He storms into the living room and tells his daughter:

"Go in the kitchen and clean up that Messerschmitt!"

Rodney's onstage, doing his thing, and someone starts to heckle him.

Heckler:  "Hey, Dangerfield, you suck!  Why don't you get a real job?"

Dangerfield:  "I do have a real job:  Finding fags for your brother!"  

Classic.

"My wife's cut me back to just twice a month."

"That's not too bad, I know two guys she cut off altogether."

I came home to tell my kid about the birds and the bees..............he then told me about  the wife and the butcher

When I was a kid, I was so ugly, I went to the proctologist, and he stuck his finger in my mouth.

Tag

Quoted: When I was a kid, I was so ugly, I went to the proctologist, and he stuck his finger in my mouth.

LMAO

Quoted: When I was a kid, I was so ugly, I went to the proctologist, and he stuck his finger in my mouth.

One can't speak about his one liners until they bring up the "Shack". Al Czervik had em all.

"You ain't using this car tonight!"

I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!

My father was stupid.  He worked in a bank and they caught him stealing pens.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born

My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting on his lap.  He was in the electric chair

When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me

One time I went to a hotel.  I asked the bellhop to handle my bag.  He felt up my wife!

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the Fruit of the Loom guys laughing at me

LOL!

RIP Rodney...

I can't get no respect...

My daughter, you date her it's like dating Federal Express. One drink and it's overnight guaranteed.

My daughter, she's just like my wife. My wife said she wanted to have sex in the back of the car, she asked if I would drive.

My kid, I got a mean kid. I bought him a BB gun for Christmas, he got me a sweater with a bullseye on the back.

I had it rough as a kid. I went to the only school where the school newspaper had an obituary column.

Then I got into comedy, man I tell ya I worked some tough joints. I remember I worked Alfredo's, formerly Nunzio's. Man that was a tough place. On the menu they had broken leg of lamb.

Nunzio, he was tough too. One day he said to me "hey kid you want to go hunting?" I said "sure I'm game". So he shot me.

I've never had it easy though, my dad used to carry around a picture of the kid that came with the wallet.

My dentist is great dentist. I went to him the other day and said, doc my teeth are turning yellow. He said "wear a brown tie".

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

I went to a massage parlor.  It was self service.

If it weren't for pick-pocketers, I'd have no sex life at all.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying.  I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now."

My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy.  I told him, "If you don't mind, I'd like a second opinion."  He said, "All right. You're ugly too!"

I was so ugly, my mother used to feed me with a slingshot!

When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look, twins!"

"I'm so lazy I'm like a rug on valium!"

From the episode of the Simpsons when Dangerfield played the son of Mr. Burns ... after an encounter with Dangerfield, the fat attorney of Mr. Burns gives Burns a summary of their meeting:

Mr. Burns: "Well, how did your meeting with my son go?"

Attorney: "Well, he made light of my weight problem, and then told me my motto should be 'Semper Fudge'. He then told me to 'relax'.

People are always taking advantage of me. The other night I went to a restraunt, and the waiter brought me 2 checks. I said to the guy at the next table, he buddy I got your bill. He said "thanks!"

I'm not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price.

I tell you, with my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him, "I've swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills." He told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back!

When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, "We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again."

Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt because he leaves a pyramid in every room.

With my dog I don't get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave.

What a dog I got. His favorite bone is in my arm!

Last week I saw my psychiatrist. I told him, "Doc, I keep thinking I'm a dog." He told me to get off his couch.

I worked in a pet store and people kept asking how big I'd get.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!

One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went to Florida.

I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer."

My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.

I drink too much. Way too much. My doctor drew blood. He ran a tab.

When I was born the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm very sorry. We did everything we could...but he pulled through."

I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War my great uncle fought for the west!

My father was stupid. He worked in a bank and they caught him stealing pens.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

One year they wanted to make me poster boy... for birth control.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

Once when I was lost I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid. There are so many places they can hide."

I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor. They sent a priest up to talk to me. He said, "On your mark..."

When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me.

I had a lot of pimples too. One day I fell asleep in a library. I woke up and a blind man was reading my face.

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

Last week my tie caught on fire. Some guy tried to put it out with an ax!

I met the surgeon general. He offered me a cigarette.

One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the Fruit of the Loom guys laughing at me.

I'm a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me.

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!

My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said, "Did you see the guy that did it?" She said, "No, but I got the license plate."

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over. There's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home!

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

I went to a massage parlor. It was self service.

If it weren't for pick-pocketers, I'd have no sex life at all.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now."

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.

I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her.

I knew a girl so ugly, the last time I saw a mouth like hers it had a hook on the end of it.

I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint--a Saint Bernard!

I was tired one night and I went to the bar to have a few drinks. The bartender asked me, "What'll you have?" I said, "Surprise me." He showed me a naked picture of my wife.

During sex my wife always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

My marriage is on the rocks again. Yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.

One day as I came home early from work, I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy...why are you doing that for?" He said, "Because you came home early."

I went to see my doctor... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah...I told him once, "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me? He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. He told me to wear a brown necktie.

My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him, "If you don't mind, I'd like a second opinion." He said, "All right. You're ugly too!"

I was so ugly, my mother used to feed me with a slingshot!

When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look, twins!"

And we were poor too. Why, if I wasn't born a boy, I'd have nothing to play with!

When Dangerfield was asked how long he would be in the hospital for his latest operation, he responded with a typical quip: ``If things go right, I'll be there about a week, and if things don't go right, I'll be there about an hour and a half.''

Rodney's last joke, posted on his Web site yesterday, was a fitting goodbye: "I get no respect. I bought a cemetery plot. The guy said, 'There goes the neighborhood.'"

I drink too much. Last time I gave a urine sample there was an olive in it.

"Sex after ten years of marriage...






...should the wife know about it?"

RIP Rodney

" Boy my wife is fat, I'll tell ya', she's so fat we have a special machine at home just to keep her alive.
The doctors call it a refrigerator."

He never did get any respect.
When he was a boy and wanted to outside to play, his mother told him to play in the street.


I couldn’t remember the way the joke went!  Sorry Rodney!  He still isn’t getting any respect!

You were funny!

"Even in Hell I get no respect!"

RIP Rodney. The world's a little less funnier already.

I was so ugly when I was a kid, when I stuck my head out the car window, I got arrested for mooning.

We were so poor when we were kids, we didn't even have tinsel at Christmas -- we just waited for Grandpa to sneeze.


Time to go rent "Caddyshack" and "Back to School"

RENT "EASY MONEY"

HIS FINEST MOVIE!

HE SMOKES OUT AND DRINKS AND GAMBLES WITH JOE PESCI THE WHOLE MOVIE!
AWESOME DANGERFIELD!

Hey pal, can I get a smoke off you? I left mine in the machine, you know how it is.

My psychiatrist told my wife and I to have sex every night.Now we will never see each other.

"Before we were married my wife was afraid of the dark.  Now that she's seen me naked she's afraid of the light."

RIP Rodney

I went to a tough school.How tough  you ask? The teacher asked a student to prove the law of gravity. He threw her out the window.


Hey Whitey wheres your hat!

"Hey that Kangaroo stole my ball!"

"When I was born, I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother".

AB

Al Czervik lines from Caddyshack:

"Oh, this is your wife, huh? A lovely lady. Hey baby, you must've been something before electricity."

"I hear this place is restricted, Wang, so don't tell 'em you're Jewish, OK?"

To a waitress: "Hey, doll. Could you scare up another round for our table over here? And tell the cook this is low-grade dog food. I've had better food at the ballgame, you know? This steak still has marks from where the jockey was hittin' it."

"He called me a baboon. He thinks I'm his wife."

"Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it."

I was so ugly as a kid that when I would play in the sandbox, the cats would try to bury me.