By Brian K. White
Sep 26, 2004, 10:14
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Ladies beware; your vagina may no longer be the wealth of bargaining power it once was.
When Al Gore invented the Internet in 1492, he apparently had just one thing in mind, if 80% of the spam in my inbox is any indication. That one thing would be hot “virgin” teens having promiscuous, anonymous sex with entire neighborhoods of men and their canine friends. It’s this powerful Internet trend that has brought about a possible end to the need for the fairer sex for both mankind and dogkind alike.

Jimmy Olivo of Tuscaloosa, Alabama, points out that, “When I was in my 20s, I’d buy porn until I was blue in the balls and out of cash, then hit the bus station for some seriously low-grade [unprotected] sex. That’s how I ended up paying child-support. Now, even on dial-up [Internet access] I can see a half gig [of pornography] a day. Who needs tramps in the flesh?”

Mr. Olivo’s dog, Fifi, a conspicuously bitch-named male dog agreed to an interview with Glossy News as to why he no longer prowls the neighborhoods for bitches in heat. During the two hours we waited to speak with him, however, he was entirely consumed with humping couch cushions, legs, and three well-used stuffed animals. Though technically unavailable for comment, this reporter observed that he did seem perfectly content.

Frank Suzuki, an efficiency consultant from Albuquerque tells Glossy News, “I can’t say for sure why, but I just love seeing videos of rabid canines licking honey from teenage honeypots. When I think of online dating or even the bar scene, I just pop in my DVD of ‘Send Rover Right Over’ and bust out my Nivea [lotion]. Me and Buttons [Mr. Suzuki’s German Shephard] watch it together and take care of business.” Mr. Suzuki assures us, however, that there is no eye contact.

Indeed, both men and dogs alike assert that, were it not for the absence of USB compatible washing machines and stovetops, women would be completely obsolete. “My iMac G5 is powerful,” says Captain Anonymous, our aggressive and abashed masturbator from Tampa Bay, “But it can’t heat my burrito or fetch me a beer. As such, I keep around at least one girl who had a crush on me in high school. Yeah, she’s usually pretty chubby, but hell, it was good enough for our last President! Once [Steve] Jobs – or, Heaven forbid, Microsoft – gets on it, these hogs I’m high on are totally kicked to the curb.”


Glossy news editor Brian K. White says, “I’m all about rocking some genuine booty, but get me DSL and I’ve got big girls, skinny, chocolate, ménage-a-whatever, elderly, you name it. I’ll kick my woman habit to the curb, whatever. And don’t think Mr. Ruffs doesn’t drag his junk on the carpet after watching it by my side.”

While the canine community has yet to officially sound off, animal control agencies are informing us of a sharp decline in the “bitch bastards” index since 2001, making it official: women are nearing obsolescence.

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Those are my feelings on this. Funny but sick.