Unhappily married???

[ARCHIVED THREAD] - Unhappily married???

Posted: 9/11/2004 10:36:37 PM EDT

What do you do when you know a friend is unhappily married, and always seems to complain about their marriage? I always end up dumbstruck. I don't know what to say when friends mention this stuff. The other situation I tend to be in, is a friend who is unhappy, but doesn't talk about it. I feel their marriages are none of my business, but want to be a good friend. Listening works, but then come the questions. They start asking me what I think, and if I would put up with the things their spouses do.

Everyone knows someone unhappily married, and most people wind up hearing about the marriages of others. How do you respond, or avoid responding?

Posted: 9/11/2004 10:38:26 PM EDT

[#1]

Unhappily Ever After. That was a cool show, better than the bundies I thought.

Be supportive and just listen, but dont start asking for any thing more than whats mentioned. You dont want to get yourself dragged into anything, having to take sides and what not.

Posted: 9/11/2004 10:39:39 PM EDT

[#2]

Quoted:
Unhappily Ever After.

That was a cool show, better than the bundies I thought.

I've never seen it.

Posted: 9/11/2004 10:39:43 PM EDT

[#3]

Personally, I stay out of it. It can never go right when you get messed up in their mess.

Posted: 9/11/2004 10:40:18 PM EDT

[#4]

Quoted:
What do you do when you know a friend is unhappily married, and always seems to complain about their marriage? I always end up dumbstruck. I don't know what to say when friends mention this stuff. The other situation I tend to be in, is a friend who is unhappy, but doesn't talk about it. I feel their marriages are none of my business, but want to be a good friend. Listening works, but then come the questions. They start asking me what I think, and if I would put up with the things their spouses do. Everyone knows someone unhappily married, and most people wind up hearing about the marriages of others. How do you respond, or avoid responding?

I would avoid answering such questions altogether. I would just offer words of sympathy and get the hell out.

In this case, it really is a trap.

Posted: 9/11/2004 10:42:27 PM EDT

[#5]

If they want to talk, be a listener. My philosophy on marriage is simple. Marriages are as unique as the individuals in the marriage. No two are alike. They can not and should not be compared. What is unacceptable or unbareable to one couple might be perfectly fine with another and vise-versa.

Posted: 9/11/2004 10:43:08 PM EDT

[#6]

Quoted:
Quoted:
What do you do when you know a friend is unhappily married, and always seems to complain about their marriage? I always end up dumbstruck. I don't know what to say when friends mention this stuff. The other situation I tend to be in, is a friend who is unhappy, but doesn't talk about it. I feel their marriages are none of my business, but want to be a good friend. Listening works, but then come the questions. They start asking me what I think, and if I would put up with the things their spouses do. Everyone knows someone unhappily married, and most people wind up hearing about the marriages of others. How do you respond, or avoid responding?

I would avoid answering such questions altogether. I would just offer words of sympathy and get the hell out.

In this case, it really is a trap.

That could be true. I first don't like to comment because it is none of my business, but I have a feeling if I say what I really think they will later be angry with me. I hate to sound uninterested in their lives, but I don't want to be toooo involved with other people's marriages either.

Posted: 9/11/2004 10:45:22 PM EDT

[#7]

Quoted:
Quoted:
Quoted:
What do you do when you know a friend is unhappily married, and always seems to complain about their marriage? I always end up dumbstruck. I don't know what to say when friends mention this stuff. The other situation I tend to be in, is a friend who is unhappy, but doesn't talk about it. I feel their marriages are none of my business, but want to be a good friend. Listening works, but then come the questions. They start asking me what I think, and if I would put up with the things their spouses do. Everyone knows someone unhappily married, and most people wind up hearing about the marriages of others. How do you respond, or avoid responding?

I would avoid answering such questions altogether. I would just offer words of sympathy and get the hell out.

In this case, it really is a trap.

That could be true. I first don't like to comment because it is none of my business, but I have a feeling if I say what I really think they will later be angry with me. I hate to sound uninterested in their lives, but I don't want to be toooo involved with other people's marriages either.

Offering any kind of advice in such situations, and the other spouse might blame you if something goes wrong, and it could get ugly quick from then on.

Posted: 9/11/2004 10:46:24 PM EDT

[#8]

I heard that the "Lifetime channel" gives great advice on these matters.

Posted: 9/12/2004 5:01:43 AM EDT

[#9]

Unhappily married???? I guess that would describe me. In the process of divorce now.

I can tell you that it is very hard to not want to confide in friends at this difficult time. Myself, I just talk to my very closest friends. I try to see both sides and not bash the other half too much. Usually they just listen to what I have to say and give very limited advice.

My other half, however,........tells fucking everyone our business. Probably in the effort to make me look as bad as possible to as many people as possible. It's frustrating for me, but I do try not to join in on that kind of fun--we have kids. I try to be the bigger person through all of this.

Anyway, most of the time when someone confides in you as a friend, they just want to be listened to and validated for their feelings. Most are not getting that at home.

If you are friends to both in the marriage, my suggestion is that you run fast and run far. Even if you don't pick sides, one party is always going to think that you are. Can mean losing both as friends. (Maybe that wouldn't be a loss)

Just my thoughts.

Posted: 9/12/2004 5:05:49 AM EDT

[#10]

Quoted:
Personally, I stay out of it. It can never go right when you get messed up in their mess.

Yup.

Posted: 9/12/2004 5:06:40 AM EDT

[#11]

Quoted:
I heard that the "Lifetime channel" gives great advice on these matters.

Their advice would be something along the lines of 'have an affair since that will strengthen the relationship'.

Posted: 9/12/2004 5:06:56 AM EDT

[#12]

Quoted:
Quoted:
Personally, I stay out of it. It can never go right when you get messed up in their mess.

Yup.

That gets my vote

J

Posted: 9/12/2004 5:49:10 AM EDT

[#13]

Maybe try to point out some divorced people that are having tough times.

Too many people jump into seperation and divorce w/o thinking it through.

Posted: 9/12/2004 5:58:37 AM EDT

[#14]

Just tell them to keep you out of it if all there is goiing to be is bitching and no action.

They don't want your advice/opinion anymore that people on AR15.com who post for other's opinion do.

They just want you to agree with them.

Posted: 9/12/2004 6:00:32 AM EDT

[#15]

I always say, "That is a decision left solely to you."

Posted: 9/12/2004 6:58:06 AM EDT

[#16]

Can I get an AMEN!!!

Venting is what women do to their girlfriends.

I'm happy to help anyone who wants me to, but I'm not gonna sit there and listen to someone bitch about the same thing over and over when they won't do anything about it.

Quoted:
Just tell them to keep you out of it if all there is goiing to be is bitching and no action.

They don't want your advice/opinion anymore that people on AR15.com who post for other's opinion do.

They just want you to agree with them.

Posted: 9/12/2004 7:47:50 AM EDT

[#17]

Be there for your friends. They will control how much/when they want to talk. Don't pry on details, but if they haven't said much in a while, it doesn't hurt to ask how they are doing. Trust me, they will talk however much they want. Don't pry.

JMHO

Posted: 9/12/2004 7:54:16 AM EDT

[#18]

Just about every time I was un happy in my marriage it was because I was not doing enough for the wife...never has it been because SHE wasn't doing enough for me.

Something to think about....

Sgatr15

Posted: 9/12/2004 8:20:34 AM EDT

[#19]

Quoted:
Quoted:
Quoted:
Personally, I stay out of it. It can never go right when you get messed up in their mess.

Yup.

That gets my vote

J

+2

Posted: 9/12/2004 8:22:52 AM EDT

[#20]

If their (relationship) will fail, it will. Perhaps they'd be better off. If all signs point to failure what's the point of suffering? It'll be a bad deal no matter what.

On telling your friends: if they ask your opinion, go ahead. They asked you for your thoughts. In my experience, really bad relationships are doom to failure anyway, and seem to have been one of those "I told you so" or "why didn't you/anyone tell me?" I know that sounds crappy, but face it, we've all seen-or have been through-it i.e., if I only knew then what I know now.....

Posted: 9/12/2004 8:31:06 AM EDT

[#21]

Quoted:
If their (relationship) will fail, it will. Perhaps they'd be better off. If all signs point to failure what's the point of suffering? It'll be a bad deal no matter what.

Well, the point is that they will never learn. So even if they do get divorced chances are that they will have the EXACT same problem as before.

My .02 cents. Either they meant their marriage to last forever or they did not.

Sgatr15