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Local News Running Out of Stuff to Scare You With

Posted by pepe on Thursday, August 26 @ 23:36:11 EDT  

Desensitized public fears children will grow up sensitized

HARTFORD, CT (MGB) - In a stunning turn of events, the Affiliate Newscasters Group (ANG) has announced that their "wells have run dry." The collection of local television newscaster, producers, directors and writers met in Hartford this week to discuss the future of the news. It was here that the announcement was made. It appears there is no more news outside the major stories that can be used to hold local towns attention and keep them in fear. Participants at the convention met the announcement with stunned silence, bowed heads and the eventual tears that flow during such a crisis. The conference was quickly called to order after several news anchors from Houston, Texas flung roast beef and complimentary dinner rolls at the podium. The chairman, Ronald Dremmer, acted quickly to put the insurgents down. The riot spread briefly to the table housing the affiliates from Helena, Montana, but was quickly contained by some kind words and pepper spray.

Panic gripped the convention hall as various members of the ANG called for an end to all news work until something was found that could indeed "scare the bejesus" out of an unsuspecting public.

"Things haven't been this bad since the 'voluntary recalls' became the norm," said ANG spokesman Alphonse Rizzuli. "Ever since 'corporate responsibility' became a buzz word and the nor, we haven't been able to actively pursue that angle. We turned to nature. But now, even nature has let us down."

The announcement came at a time when national news has been stealing the spotlight away from the affiliates.

"It used to be that the national news what the one that everyone turned to, to help them sleep a bit after dinner but before their shows," explains Denise DuBois, a local news anchor. "Now with the war on terror, an election and more people getting interested in foreign affairs, we can't compete. I know I get scared just thinking about terrorists. How is our 'exclusive' on killer mold going to hold anyone rapt?"

Local news stations have adopted various tactics to keep people tuned in. There have been stories on everything ranging from the threat of ransacking squirrels to the dangers of the dishwasher that is right in your own home.

"I'll miss those words," said Dennis Cathum, another local news anchor. "I was the luckiest guy in the world. I got to do the lead in to items like, 'Killer Bees…are they coming…FOR YOU?' Now I just have to report about the local farmer's market, and a murder on such and such a street. What's the point?"

"It looks like this is finally the rise of the 'Problem Solvers,'" said Problem Picker-Upper Janice Heston. "Finally, we'll get the airtime we deserve."

The convention wraps up this weekend in order to prepare for the Republican National Convention. The debates and planning are likely to continue for the next few months.

"We're pretty stocked with back stories," Dubois said. "I mean we've got a piece on the threatening coyote population and another on how beans can kill, among others. We should be fine. But those won't last forever. It's the lesser affiliates I feel sorry for…you know, the rural ones. They just don't have the savvy."

"What kind of future are we providing for out children? One where they don't know fear?" said Rizzuli. "One where they are unaware of the dangers of buying the wrong sheets or the wrong Halloween decorations? Is that the kind of world we want? Because if that's the case, count me out."

A meeting is being held over the Labor Day weekend by the heads of the affiliates to work through the crisis.

Changing your oil is easy. Unscrew the filter, start the engine, and rev it up till oil quits spraying about.

Drainplug...?

Quit trying to hijack the thread!!

We're talking about the Evening News. Protectors of truth and purveyers of Moral Turpitude something or other.

Anybody remember the big Radon scare back in the '80s?

Radon gas in everyones basement (percolating up from the soil) would cause cancer. Someone came up with a way to vent the gas (by exchanging the air), and the government offered to subsidize installing the venting system into homes.

Coffee is always a good news item. More controversial than Global Warming.

Quoted: Quoted: Changing your oil is easy. Unscrew the filter, start the engine, and rev it up till oil quits spraying about. Of course!  The drainplug method is the hard way!

Ramjet: Oil? My Truck needs oil?

(SFX) Sound of office door opening and footsteps to the driveway.

Ramjet: Damn, you're right!