BREAKING NEWS AS IT HAPPENS: Sen. John Kerry held a press conference today to say that, despite speculation by "character assassins, oh, and by the way, I served in Vietnam," he was not Satan, but merely the Dark Lord's bastard son the Antichrist, enslaver of mankind. Senator Kerry of Massachusetts was quoted as saying, "I intend to subjugate the human race and send all the seed of man unto my great and glorious father. Do you know who I am?" he added.
Whether or not this will effect his run for President as well as his current political career is unknown. While Sen. Kerry satisfies the age requirements for both Senator and President, whether or not Hell is part of the United States remains disputed. Democrats claim, "We've already led the country so close to it, it must be," whereas Republicans demand that the Democrats not be able to run a man/denizen born outside of the current 50 states.