Subject: TO ALL EMPLOYEES RE XMAS PARTY


FROM:  Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO:  All Employees
DATE: October 01, 2003
RE:  Holiday Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on
December 23, starting at noon in the private
function room at the Grill House.

There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks!  We'll have a small band
playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along.  And don't be
surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!

A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 P.M.

Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at  that time; however, no
gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's
pockets.

This gathering is only for employees!

Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!

Merry Christmas to you and your family.

Patty
======================================================

FROM:  Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO:  All Employees
DATE: October 02, 2003
RE:  Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.  We
recognize that Chanukah is an important
holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this
year.

However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party."  The same policy
applies to any other employees who are not Christians or those still
celebrating Reconciliation Day.

There will be no Christmas tree present.  No Christmas carols sung.  We will
have other types of music for your enjoyment.

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family.

Patty
=====================================================

FROM:  Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO:  All Employees
DATE:  October 03, 2003
RE:  Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous
requesting a non-drinking table . you didn't sign your name.

I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that
reads, "AA  Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore.  How am I supposed to
handle this?

Somebody?

Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are allowed since the
union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and executives believe
$10.00 is a little chintzy.

NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
======================================================
FROM:  Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To:  All Employees
DATE:  October 04, 2003
RE:  Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are!  I had no idea that December 20 begins the
Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during
daylight hours.  There goes the party!

Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not
accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs.  Perhaps the Grill House can hold
off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package
everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy.  Will that
work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to
sit farthest from The Dessert Buffet and pregnant women will get the table
closest to the restrooms.

Gays are allowed to sit with each other.

Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each will have their own table.

Yes, there will be a flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.

To the person asking permission to cross dress, no cross-dressing allowed
though we will have booster seats for short people.

Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.  We cannot control the
salt used in the food.  We suggest for those people with high blood pressure
to taste first.

There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot
supply "No Sugar" desserts.  Sorry!

Did I miss anything?!?!?

Patty
======================================================
FROM:  Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO:  All Fucking Employees
DATE:  October 05, 2003
RE:  The Fucking Holiday Party

Vegetarian pricks I've had it with you people!!!  We're going to keep this
party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly
at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it,
and you'll get your fucking salad bar, including organic tomatoes.  But you
know, tomatoes have feelings, too.  They scream when you slice them.  I've
heard them scream.  I'm hearing them scream right NOW!  I hope you all have
a rotten holiday!

Drive drunk and die -

The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!
======================================================FROM:  Joan Bishop,
Acting Human Resources Director
DATE:  October 06, 2003
RE:  Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and
I'll continue to forward your cards to her.

In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give
everyone the afternoon, the 23rd off with full pay.

Happy Holidays!

Thanks!  I was looking for this one.  I've seen it a few years back, but didn't have a copy.

LOL.

- N20