A few of the current threads got me reminiscing about my time in college. The ups, the downs, the heartbreaks dealing with the vast numbers of delicious 18-21 year old girls. One particular experience was unlike any other, however. Like a real-life mystery novel, the twists and turns mesmerized a captive audience. Unlike said novels, this story never had an ending. The trail of terror, spellbinding hysterical terror, left in the wake of some daring soul who had a unique talent would never be forgotten, however, by those who witnessed those events back in the early 90s in the Piedmont of South Carolina. Here is the story:
Every male, young and old, has an inherent fascination with shit. Even some prime-time television shows can't ignore this fact. Take "All in the Family." One of the favorite scenes in episodes of the 70s sitcom depicted Archie Bunker being absent while someone is asking where he was. At that moment, the deafening roar of a toilet flushing was heard. Well, this fascination can lead to an abnormal interest. It can escalate into an informal contest of "My shit is bigger than yours." Even worse, it can lead to hundreds of normal young men inspecting toilets to see which shits were the biggest, longest, most massive that had ever slid out of a rectum and into history.
It started out innocently enough. Happens all the time, really. Some guy drops a bomb that won't go down and has to be plunged. Well, apparently this occasion left an impression on atleast one person, because not long after, another large waste bunny was left for the cleaning crew. Then another. In a matter of a few short days, there was a quiet rumor floating around the men's dorms that a contest was on to see who had the biggest shits. Then, it happened.
While dozens of anonymous crappers took to the bathrooms in an attempt to squeeze out the biggest bunny, one surly soul quickly began rendering all other efforts futile. It didn't take very long for this individual to earn the dubious nickname of...The Mad Crapper.
His shits were so monumental, so mind-blowingly massive, young men from far and wide flocked to the toilets that had become his prey. It became a circus, really. "Standing room only" to witness what could only be described as the largest shits in the known world. At first, it was the sheer diameter of the bunnies. Whoever bore that infamous nickname must've had a sphincter the size of a baseball, because those toilet rodents were as round as a small tree. A fire hose couldn't get them to flush. After a couple of days of those, The Mad Crapper graduated to dropping shits that were measured in zipcodes, not tape measures. Gone were the tree-trunk-sized smellies, in their place were coiled-up shits that bit the onlookers not with poison, but with utter amazement. The longest of which was estimated to be over three feet! They were so long, The Mad Crapper left his calling card by leaving the trail end of the shit draped over the rim of the toilet bowl.
Well, as you would expect, word of this exhibition spread all the way to the administration building. It wasn't long before the announcement was made that whoever was responsible for the shocking shits would be billed for the overtime pay the cleaning crew incurred in hauling the waste away. The ruse worked, because immediately the shitting stopped. Disciples of The Mad Crapper searched bathrooms far and wide for evidence of his presence but none was ever found again. He simply faded away like all good soldiers before him.
To this day, my buddies and I trade our own stories of that wonderfully wretched week on campus. As we talk, laugh, and cry, each one of us is always scanning each other for evidence, evidence that in their presence is the one who many called The Mad Crapper.