Got this via email from the wifey, passing it along.

Got one to add?

Danny


This has got to be one of the funniest I've heard of in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the "WordPerfect Helpline" which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department.



Needless to say, the Help Desk employee was fired however, he is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for "Termination without Cause." This is the actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee.


(now I know why they record these conversations)

"Rich Hall computer assistance; may I help you?"

"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

"What sort of trouble?"

"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away"

"Went away?"

"They disappeared."

"Hmmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"It's a blank; it won' t accept anything when I type."

"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

"How do I tell?"

"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"

"What's a sea-prompt?"

Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"

"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

"What's a monitor?"

"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

"I don't know."

"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

"Yes, I think so."

"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."

"Yes, it is."

"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

"No."

"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

"Okay, here it is."

"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

"I can't reach."

Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

"No."

"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle it's because it's dark."

"Dark?"

"Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

"Well, turn on the office light then."

"I can't."

"No? Why not?"

"Because there's a power failure."

"A power.......a power failure?.... Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"

Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

"Really? Is it that bad?"

"Yes, I'm afraid it is."

Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."

It's hard to believe there are people that rock-hard dumb.

Having been involved with computers since my VIC-20, been a Network Admin, owned my own clone shop and done telephone tech support I can tell you that someone like that represents about 80% of the people that own/use PC's in the world.

I've got one for you.

When I had my shop we had a customer come in.  A typical "Bubba" that was not only a Bubba, but a SECURITY GUARD.  This was in Mississippi.  Use your imagination… You won’t be too far off the mark.

Anyway, we clean up his machine.  A 486 running Windows 95 if I recall correctly.  He had about a million temp files in C:\Windows.  I got rid of those and created a directory variable to C:\temp and explained that he needed to shut programs and the machine down properly so as to not have that happen so much.

A day later he calls the shop to tell me that he's still getting a few temp files that aren't going away.  I explain to him that some programs aren't very good about cleaning up after themselves and he should just delete them manually every so often when he does housekeeping.

He then gets very irritated and wants to know EXACTLY WHAT PROGRAMS ARE LEAVING THE TEMP FILES.  I spent 10 minutes explaining to him that it's pretty much impossible to know what programs create what and that it doesn't matter anyway.  Over and over and over again he keeps asking what programs are they and how can he find out.  It was like talking to someone that lost all touch with reality.  A total obsessive/compulsive response to a few errant temp files.

After repeating myself for the fifth or sixth time I rather abruptly ended the call.

AFAIK he's still sitting in front of that piece of shit PC trying to find out which damn program is cluttering up his hard drive.

80%??? Your kidding, right?? I realize I'm not the most computer savvy, but I do know how to turn it on.

Quoted: He then gets very irritated and wants to know EXACTLY WHAT PROGRAMS ARE LEAVING THE TEMP FILES.  . . . Over and over and over again he keeps asking what programs are they and how can he find out.  It was like talking to someone that lost all touch with reality.  A total obsessive/compulsive response to a few errant temp files. AFAIK he's still sitting in front of that piece of shit PC trying to find out which damn program is cluttering up his hard drive.

The correct answer is "Porn. Probably kiddie porn, but it could be anything really hardcore & nasty. It could be from the internet, or somebody bringing it in on disk and looking at it at work. But it's definitely porn."

TS is a bitch.  Most people that call in with a problem will not tell you everything they know about the problem because they don't want you to think they are stupid for fucking up their pc.



-HS

80% like that, the rest hardly more advanced.
moron: I can't log in.
me: What's your user name?
moron: How do I find out?
me: You've only been looking at it for 4 years, don't you notice?

me: What's the version of Windows you're running?
moron: I don't know, how do I find out?
me: Every time it boots up it tells you, you've had this computer for how long?

Me: Just delete that file.
moron: How do I do that?
Me: drag it into the trash.
moron: How do I drag something?  Where's the trash
Me: sigh...

Me: Ok, go to My Computer and right click on it.
moron: How do I go to your computer?
Me: It's not my computer, it's an icon on your destkop.
moron: Where's my desktop?
Me: minimize everything and you'll see it.
moron: how do I minimize?
5 minutes later:
Me: Do you see My Computer now?
moron: No..
5 minutes later,
moron: oh I see it now.  It says A drive, C drive, etc.
Me: sigh.  You double clicked on it and opened it, right click on it, and go to Properties.
moron: right click?
Me: yeah, you have a right mouse button.
moron: Oh..I never knew what it was used for.
Me: right click brings up a contextual menu and gives you more choices.
Moron: ok, Properties, then left click or right click?
Me: left click is for select or double click.
Moron then asked every time whether to use the left or right click.

I hate stupid users.
Most of these folks that are thrusted in front of computers are not qualified to operate a toaster oven, with IQs slighly higher than the said toaster oven.

Duhh!

Luser:  My computer is locked up.

Me: OK, I want you to turn the power off, wait 10 seconds and turn it back on.

Luser: OK <CLICK>

Me:  <10 seconds later> Ok, that’s good enough, now turn it back on.

Luser: OK <CLICK>

Me: OK now you should be getting the startup screen and it will be a network login prompt in a few seconds (this was DOS/Win 3.1/Novell)

Luser:  Nope, no login prompt.

Me:  Well, where did it leave you?

Luser:  It’s still locked up.

Me: Where did it lock up in the boot process?  What’s on your screen?

Luser:  The same thing that was there when it locked up.

Me: ?!? Did you turn off the COMPUTER?

Luser:  Yup!

Me:  Try it again

<time passes>

Luser:  Nope, same thing.

Me:  You cycled power on the computer, correct?

Luser:  Yeah, I flipped the switch on the monitor.  That’s the computer, right?

Me:  <puts phone on mute, verbalizes obscene and physically impossible acts that the Luser should do to himself – takes phone off mute>

Luser: Are you still there?

Me:  That’s NOT the computer, that’s your MONITOR.  The computer is the box under your desk.

Luser:  Oh, I thought that was the modem.



I used to do telephone support for nearly 50 offices nationwide.  I would get a call like that at LEAST once a week.

The sad part is that I produced a good set of simplified docs, short, sweet and to the point that EVERY office got, explaining the basics of what was what (with drawings/pictures) so when they called for help we’d have a basis for communications.

It was a pointless exercise in futility.



Another:

My partner sent a internal PC modem out to an office. The manager told him “no problem, I can put it in.”  Docs were sent to explain the procedure.

A few days later my partner gets a call from the manager saying that he’s got the computer open, had a hell of a time doing it and now can’t figure out where the modem goes (this was a standard 386/AT clone box).  After sometime with nothing making any sense from the descriptions, my partner FINALLY figured it out.

The manager had OPENED THE BACK OF THE CRT AND WAS TRYING TO PUT THE ISA CARD IN THE DISPLAY!

And any one of them can cancel out your vote in an election. Sad, huh?

I read it to my wife. What a total maroon. Rich Hall forgot to tell the other person to stop stealing our oxegyn!

I worked at a PC shop.  We sold PC's to these kind of people all day.

The most popular call,  My keyboard and mouse do not work.  ----> The keyboard's and mice are color coded as is the case and ports.

Video doesn't work: ---> Some tried to force the vid cable onto the com ports.  The monitor cable and video port were also color coded.  The rest wither didn't hook up the power or didn't hook up the vid cable.

No sound:  Speakers plugged into mic.   Color coded plug and ports.

He's right, The majority of PC owners are totally ignorant about them. They cannot even follow instructions stating everything is color coded.

They've become an integral part of our daily lives, people that don't have the eptitude for computers are forced to use them.  That they're not as proficient on them as they should be, in view of the importance of being computer literate, though quite annoying, is understandable.
But when it comes to folks in the IT support business, I give them no slacks.  I called up Dell one day suspecting a conflicting sound drivers issue that prevented QuickTime movie from playing audio, he told me to call QuickTime (QuickTime was developed by Apple, it's a technology, not the developer!).  These shake-and-bake "tech support" people are no better than advanced users, I'll give them a hard time for masquerading as an IT professional.

Yeah its funny but real old like over ten years ago.  I heard about it when I was doing Computer Consulting long long ago...

It's a good laugh & everyone can use that on a Monday morning!

Thanks, I need the laugh.

The best one still is the computer support guy who got the call from a customer that his cup holder was broken on his computer.

The cup holder was the CD-ROM tray.

While I'm not support, I knew all the guys at the help desk and would hear some of the good ones.

One was a top level exec called in screaming
VP: THE NETWORK IS DOWN!
IT: Alright sir, please relax
VP: But the network is down, how am I supposed to work like this?
IT: Let's just go over a couple things first
VP: Okay but hurry up I have work to do
IT: Sir is your computer on?
VP: Yes
IT: Is there something on the screen?
VP: Yes
IT: What does it say?
VP: Non system disk or disk error hit any key to continue.
IT: Is there a disk in the floppy drive?
VP: Yes
IT: Take it out.
VP: Okay
IT: Press your spacebar
VP: Oh great you fixed it!

probably true too.

I LOVE reading these things..
try this place, it's filled with stories like this: www.rinkworks.com/stupid