1. You can put down the weights and the protein shakes. You might want us to be perfect looking; we simply want you not to be fat.

2. Replace all of those hideous size-extra-large T-shirts with something that actually sort of fits. We think you might be a medium.

3. Never allow anyone who listens to baseball on the radio to cut your hair.

4. Purchase sheets that don't contain polyester and that are white.

5. Blue Book value isn't everything. Take the money you were going to spend putting the backseat DVD theater in your Honda and buy a nice pair of shoes.

6. We don't care what the plan is. Just have one.

7. Candles. They are so cheap and they are so effective.

8. When you give her a gift, include a card. You can spend less on the gift if you write something nice. Don't buy a card with a message in it, unless you're dating Danielle Steele.

9. She arrives home from work eager for attention. You arrive home from work eager for several beers and the Simpsons-King of the Hill hour. The moment you come home, hug her, look into her eyes, and say that you're happy to see her. This simple gesture, done with sincerity, will earn you lots of time on the couch.

10. Buy covered garbage cans for your kitchen and bathroom. They hide stuff we don't want to know about anyway.

11. Make a list entitled "Intolerable Behavior from Women," and when you see it happening, speak up. Let us know you won't be around no matter what, and we'll want to keep you.

12. Drive a stick shift. Men look ineffectual driving automatics.

13. Never utter the phrase, "I know I'm no Brad Pitt/Denzel Washington." You're a guy. Merely acting like you think you're hot makes you hot. Be grateful, because women actually have to be hot to be hot.

14. Short sleeves are for golf only; sandals are for Jesus only.

15. When a woman asks you to accompany her to a wedding or a family event, R.S.V.P. within 24 hours. If you find that you can't commit, do everyone a favor and break it off.

16. Stop operating on the in-trouble/not-in-trouble paradigm. Just because we're not yelling at you doesn't mean everything is okay.

17. If you're late, call.

18. Brush your teeth a lot.

19. Realize that if you "keep forgetting" to trim your nose hairs, we will "keep forgetting" to initiate sex.

20. If your television is of a size such that it is regularly commented on, hide it in a cabinet. You might have a penchant for (a) sloth, (b) passivity, or (c) tuning out the world, but she need not be reminded of this every time she walks into your living room.

21. You might not know what she wants you to get her for her birthday, but her friends do. Ask them.

22. When we are together, sometimes we are occupied with tasks--closing a window, putting on a new CD, petting the cat--that cause us to focus our gaze elsewhere. May we suggest these windows of time as the most favorable for scratching your balls.

23. Buy a Swiffer and use it. They come in dry (living room) and wet (kitchen and bathroom). Wash your dishes. Pick up your clothes. Swiff. She'll think you're a responsible adult.

================================================

I don't necessarily agree with all of the above, but I thought they were fun!!

TT [wave]

Gonna pick up the swiffers tomorrow!
Thanx!

Thanks for the tips (I already learned most of them the hard way).  #22 is especially important, guys - remember not to scratch, the key is to [b]pinch and roll[/b]; it is much more effective.

I have #12 covered.

24. Tell her "Hey baby, did you lose weight"?

Out of curiosity, what are swiffers?

TT [wave]

I bet Tom Leikus will have a great time with this list [:d]

#25. Have a cool job and be nonchalant about it.

[url]http://www.homemadesimple.com/swiffer/usenglish/index.shtml[/url]

Aviator

Well, at least I'm not bald.  Will that work instead?



I was a medium about 20 years ago.  Now I'm just sad.



I already have a pair a shoes.  I'll buy another pair when they wear out.  That should be sometime in the next six of seven years.



Does that mean I can still get her reloading gear?



That couch time won't interfere with the Simpsons will it?



Figures my wife is using PSYOPS on me.



Hell, I don't have to drive to look ineffectual.



Back to the PSYOPS again.



I'm never late.  I've just been delayed.



What if I can just braid them into my mustache?



Cat petting could be dropped in favor of scratching balls.  Two birds - one stone.

People actually buy those things?

TT

Swiffers are for girls...a Real Man uses a  Hoover FloorMate! A wet/dry vac that scrubs floors too. It has a Lysol solution for tile and vinyl, and Old English for the hardwood floors.

[red meat meal]It works great on the muddy workshop floor[size=1], too.[/size=1][/red meat meal]
_________________________________________
[img]http://www.pre-ban.com/forums/ranks/usmc-gsgt.gif[/img][img]http://www.pre-ban.com/forums/images/avatars/471897163ec56dcf95bbe.jpg[/img]

[rofl2]

This isn't some kind of covert trick your pulling on Winson Wolf is it TT ? [:D]

I think he's already been hurt enough, ok?

No swiffers for me!

The only real way to get a kitchen floor clean is to get down on your hands and knees with a damp cotton hand mop/cloth and mop it twice a day with hot/warm water and pine oil.

One of a few things I miss about my Korean ex-wife.

(and beofre I get yelled at for being a male chauvinist pig, I also clean floors this way)

...and this is why this type of joke is popular with men:

Q: How many battered woman does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: One, if she knows what's good for her.

[url]http://www.intellectualwhores.com/masterladder.html[/url]

FWIW: Studies have shown that women like the smell of cucumber (jeez, I wonder why) and I have cucumber scented candles all over the house. It works, no shit.

After 16 years, she is lucky if I close the bathroom door...
I will probably be one of those guys who wakes up divorced one of these days and wonder how that ever happened.

However, we will constantly comment on how hot Vin Diesel looks in his short sleeves.

"don't obsess about money, just make sure you have enough so that I don't have to"

So we can complain about how you're not spontaneous enough.

best to just not buy gifts at all.  

then get ready to listen to her drone on about shit you couldn't care less about.  And don't bother trying to tell HER about YOUR work, beause then you'll be called boring.

See #1 RE: vin deisel.

This is also a good time to sneak those looks at other women.

Swiffers suck, bad.  Don't believe the hype.


Thanks for the effort TT, but I couldn't resist.

More like 23 Ways to tell you're whipped.

haha I didn't agree with alot of it either, but found it amusing and thought a few would enjoy it.

TT [wave]

But what better way to be whipped?

Bob [:D]

If a chick told me that in person my response would be "I'm not exactly sure what you said, but I think I remember you telling me 23 ways why I should punch you in the face right now"

HEY!!!
Whats wrong with you?
Around here, sandals and jeans are the best thing since sliced bread... every guy on (somewhere in texas) wears them!!

If your gonna be mean, then fine, im Jebus.

[nuts]

#26 - Make sure a chick game is in the playstation for after sex gaming.

#27 - Always offer a reach around.

#28 - Never tell her you can't reach that far around.

Hahahah, LMAO.

HEY, TT...You sure got alot of rules. Ever keep a guy more than a week?[;)]

Apparently we have a reading comprehension problem here. I didn't write these (for the third time), I simply posted them for amusement. [:D]

How about you? Ever keep a guy a week? [rofl2]

TT

I'm aware. Just a little good natured ribbing. Not like you haven't asked for it[:P]
BTW, I have always scored exceedingly high in reading and verbal comprehension.



Not yet. But I have had my opportunities[naughty]

Those bath stores at the mall have a Cucumber melon scented body lotion. Through away the old spice and try it instead. AG is right, women really like that scent for some reason.

[img]http://www.sunripeproduce.com/html/images/cucumber.jpg[/img]

Mr. Subliminal

[img]http://www.meowmix.com/i/nib_main_seafood_food.gif[/img]

How high class is the broad that wrote this?  I've got a lot of these bases covered, and I consider myself to be "somewhat" of a gentleman, but my god, this just sets the bar way too high.  I want nothing to do with a woman that uses the word "penchant" in everyday speech.  

 Untruth # 1
 I can't conceal a full sized pistol under a medium.


I let a 19 year old Vietnamese chick do it.
 I inherited one set white, one set blue.
 Unless it involves a diamond.
Just never ask a woman what hers is.
 Uh, okay.
Don't buy a card without a message unless you write like Danielle Steele.

This one will work.
 Uh, okay.

And expect to be kicked in the balls just like TT's animated thing.
No, it makes you look like you can't afford an automatic.
 What guy would ever say that?  The same one who would say, "You're no Jennifer Aniston.."??
 Whatever.
Uh, okay.
Meaning she reserves the right to turn it off for no reason.
Duh.
Okay.
Realize she will pull a commando op and tweeze 'em out while you're sleeping.
 No, just the right size to watch "My Best Friend's Wedding" on.
She will then bitch that [u]you[/u] don't really know her.
 If you can't scratch your balls in front of her it's the equivalent to not allowing her to have her period.


Don't be a complete slob.

TS

Cucumbers heh? Hmmmmmm. What variety do they prefer most, the "straight eight"? [butthead]uh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh, uh huh huh huh huh huh[/butthead].