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Must Flee TV!

Posted: June 23, 2003
1:00 a.m. Eastern

© 2003 WorldNetDaily.com

As you've probably heard, Al Gore is consulting investors about possibly starting a television network. This means that you could innocently open up your TV Guide one morning, only to find something like this.

GoreTV program schedule:

5 a.m.: "Wake up with Carville" – James Carville, the political pitbull and man who has allowed America to assign a face to its jock-itch, gets his own show. At long last, thanks to GoreTV, you can finally wake up with a guy like James Carville without a searing hangover and dramatically lower self-esteem.

6 a.m.: "OK, Rush Limbaugh Isn't That Fat Anymore, But He's Still An Idiot" – Al Franken hosts his very first talk show. Today's guests include author Norman Mailer, whose hearing-aid battery is so bad that he responds to every question by looking at his watch and saying "about a quarter to seven".

7 a.m.: "Good Morning, Anti-America" – Michael Moore and Sean Penn host. On today's show, Sean takes you on a photo tour of his trip to Iraq, along with tales of injuries he suffered after being run over by fleeing "human shields", and Moore's exclusive expose at a local medical clinic entitled, "How many people will ask me if I'm here to sell my plasma?" In the second hour, building expert Bob Vila joins Penn to help him construct a complete sentence.

9 a.m.: "Fishing with Ted" – Today, Sen. Kennedy discusses which spinner works best to hook an Oldsmobile, and special guest, Sen. Chris Dodd, helps Ted snag a waitress with a 40-pound test pickup line and three bottles of Chivas.

10 a.m.: "We Had To Give Phil Donohue A Two-Hour Show Or He Wouldn't Invest" – Today, Phil takes calls from the show's viewer.

Noon: "Fries 'n Lies" – N.Y. Rep. Jerrold Nadler and columnist Molly Ivins discuss issues of the day over a vat of chili-cheese fries. On today's show, nothing is compromised (except perhaps the architectural integrity of the stage) as Ivins accuses President Bush of lying about WMD's in Iraq and complains about people who are always mistakenly trying to hire her to get poltergeists out of their homes, while the outspoken Nadler takes a stand on undersalted fries.

12:30 p.m.: "Dope Operas" – Spend an afternoon with GoreTV's political dramas, including "One Life to Tax", "The Borked and the Beautiful", and demagoguery rules the day on "The Guiding Fright".

4 p.m.: "GoreTV After School Special – 'The Secret In Barney Frank's Apartment.'"

6 p.m.: Half-hour of continuous out-of-context tape loop of Newt Gingrich saying "Wither on the vine."

6:30 p.m.: – Simulcast of the CBS Evening News.

7 p.m.: "What a Dick!" – Rep. Richard Gephardt stars. In today's episode, Dick scares the elderly with tales of starvation via Republican initiated Medicare cuts in favor of tax breaks for the wealthy. Watch, and you too will join the rest of the country in saying, "What a Dick!"

8 p.m.: "Who Wants To Be An Ex-Millionaire?" In-depth profiles of investors in GoreTV. In tonight's episode, chief fundraiser for GoreTV, Joel Hyatt, discovers investors' portfolios have sunk so far that he's forced to use his last thousand dollars to rent a bathysphere to go down and find them.

9 p.m.: "Trading Spaces ... and Wives" – Former President Bill Clinton revisits Arkansas to host this show with a very interesting twist on the original series from the Learning Channel.

10 p.m.: "C.S.I.: DNC" – Tonight, a forensics team struggles to uncover the mystery behind what killed the Democrat Party.

11 p.m.: "I am too President!" – Al Gore helps satisfy America's hunger for reality television, allowing cameras to follow him around his house. Tonight's episode: Still in denial, Al has a "cabinet meeting" with two potted plants and a bottle of Old Spice, then holds a State Dinner for an Irish setter.

11:35 p.m.: "GoreTV Late Movie: The ThornByrds, Part I" – The story begins in the early 1930s, when a member of the Ku Klux Klan and future United States senator falls in love with an African-American woman, engulfing him in an emotional personal struggle as he's faced with choosing between his forbidden fruit, and his cross-burning gool-ol'-boy pals. Will he choose head sheets, or bed sheets? Find out tonight.

2 a.m.: "Robbins & Sarandon Overnight" – Join Tim and Susan as their synapses misfire like the original spark plugs on a '71 Buick Skylark. When these two put their heads together, it creates a vacuum that makes even the most powerful Hoover green with suck-envy.

4:30 a.m.: Test pattern. Join GoreTV's highest-rated program, soon to be expanded to all time periods.

"Must Flee TV!" Catch it before it's cancelled.

Why does this schedule seem so real?[%|]

Al Gore? Mr Excitement, Mr Charisma, Mr Telegenic? I think he's talking out the side of his neck on this one. Liberals already have NPR/NBC/CBS/ABC- shouldn't the narcoleptic death of megalib Phil Donawho's show be an indicator which way the world is going? He used to RULE talk TV- now he and his clown buddies can't even sell Depends and Alpo with their blather. Oddly enough, the only time Phil's show ever had enough viewers was the one time he had Ann Coulter on the show...[rolleyes]

Let's see, how many successful liberal hosts are there on talk radio?  Can they be more successful of TV?

The only successful ones on radio seem to be local NPR types, and even they split and go to the majors, eventually. As libs go, we had a good one here in Boston, Chris Lydon, who would actually take the time to listen to and explore both sides of the issues (even guns) and was fair to everybody. Then he got greedy and demanded the NPR station pay him REAL money, because he was so popular. They shit-canned him. How dare he be a capitalist! [:D]

NPR is kind of a "safe" environment for liberals.  At least as long as they toe the line, as in your example.

One could say that commercial radio is the testing ground for ideas and philosophies.  The lack of success in large commercial markets seems to be an indicator of how out of step hard core liberals are with the general populace.  Also, if liberal philosophies & policies were rock-solid dependable for the real world they could beat Boortz/Limbaugh/Hannity/et al handily and claim their market shares.

Why don't they ask themselves that question?  It's because they would have to consider the possibility that they are wrong, and the government school system is evidence that they won't do that.