All of the election stuff has caused me to regress to my safe space. Chili.

Here's what I don't quite grasp.

One side of the chili war believes that chili must have beans, and that without beans it is some sort of meat sauce.

The other side believes that beans have no place in chili, and that it isn't chili if you add beans (and becomes some form of meat and bean soup).

What I don't get is at what point the change happens.

If you believe chili isn't chili if it has beans, does a single bean in a gallon of chili turn it into meat and bean soup? Do the beans have to comprise a specific percent of the finished product in order to turn it into non-chili?

If you believe chili requires beans - is there a minimum percentage? Can a Texan drop a single bean into a pot of meat sauce and call it chili?

For the sake of discussion, I suppose I should be using "two" as the minimum levels, as one bean doesn't make "chili and beans" - it makes "chili and bean".

For extra credit, why is it "chili con carne" if chili is supposed to have meat. Why bother mentioning the meat if it is a required ingredient? Isn't that redundant?

Already being discussed in another thread.

Beans are usually the least offensive part of the tomato/ground turkey/dash of chili powder crap soup that most people insist is "chili".

You could build a thousand bridges and fuck one sheep, you won't be remembered as a bridgebuilder.

Some people are pretty adamant on how they like their chili.

The thing is, you can make it anyway you like.

Personally I don't use ground meat, but I do use some sort of tomato base and beans - and I consider my chili excellent.

Others scoff at beans, still others don't use any tomato base - to each their own.

You can make it anyway you want and it's still chili - unless you are a stubborn ass.

as has always been my position...

take beans, cook beans, add nothing, then taste beans

do that and you'll know that they bring absolutely nothing to the fucking dish

If there are beans in the same room as chili it is no longer chili.

For the love of the children, keep any and all beans away from real chili.

They add a certain mouthfeel - They give you a little something to sink your teeth into, as long as you don't overcook them. They also soak up whatever flavors they're cooked with, which changes the character of the entire dish a bit. 

They're also completely unnecessary and superfluous if you address these concerns by making the dish correctly to begin with. Like I've said before dozens of times, the beans in most "beaner" recipes are the least egregious component of the pot 'o fail simmering on their stoves. Leaving them out doesn't improve things, nor does adding them magically fix the failure in execution. 

If you make the dish correctly, the last thing you'll think it needs is a few cups of fuckin' beans when you're done. If you don't make it correctly...well...everything is fair game at that point. Shit, add some corn and celery while you're at it. Can't hurt. Hell, it probably helps. 

I'm getting to the age where beans are low-fat, high-fiber meat.

Just don't open up a couple cans of cooked beans and dump them in.  Soak dried beans overnight, then for the love of God, cook them with some seasonings.  A pound of dried beans, and a Tablespoon of toasted whole cumin, lightly cracked, and go ahead and throw some of your dried chilles in there while they cook as well.  You want beans that taste like beans and seasonings, not beans that taste like plain beans. Nothing wrong with using flavorful beans, just season them, too.

And a pound of dried beans is like 3 pounds of cooked beans.  So don't mix it with a pound of meat and call it good, mix it with three pounds of meat.  I do diced beef, but I'm told leftover pulled pork is good, I just have never seen _leftover_ pulled pork.

I could see getting away with adding black beans, or maybe even lentils, but them it would be chili with beans and those would be better on the side anyway.  All other beans pretty much lick the bag taste wise and texturally and aren't really good in or with anything (except hummus and refers).

Adding beans and tomatoes, various sugars, etc. is starting to get pretty far from the original.

If you do all of that, I'd like to think they'd be best enjoyed on their own, so as to not miss any of the subtle flavors you've just created. In a small bowl. Say...next to your bowl of chili.