Ladies and Gentlemen, I present you
The KAMIKAZE Sketch, by Douglas Adams:
FX WILD FLURRY OF FLAMENCO MUSIC
WHICH CONTINUES FOR SOME TIME.
VOICE: Japan 1945
FLAMENCO RESUMES.
Japan!
FLAMENCO MUSIC CONTINUES. WE
VAGUELY SEE THE NARRATOR GOING
INTO THE BAND AND, FOR INSTANCE,
ATTACKING THE PIANO. JAPANESE MUSIC
STARTS RELUCTANTLY AND STOPS VERY
SOON.
VOICE: Thank you. Japan 1945. The war was moving into
its final stage. The Japanese nation was in a desperate
situation... I didn't say stop the music. (HE GOES
BACK TO THE BAND AGAIN.) Now look, what
is it? Is it the money, come on. (FLAMENCO
STARTS AGAIN.) No, flamenco won't do! What
do you mean the chords are easier? Look, we've got
all these Japanese instruments for you, why don't
you play something on this lot? (QUICK
FLAMENCO RIFF ON JAPANESE
INSTRUMENTS.) Alright, we're going to have a
chat about this. You lot (characters now on stage)
carry on.
SET CONSISTS OF A BENCH IN A BRIEFING
ROOM ON WHICH SITS ONE KAMIKAZE
PILOT WITH HIS GEAR AND HEADBAND
ON. ON THE BENCH ARE LAID OUT THE
HEADBANDS OF MANY OTHER
PRESUMABLY DECEASED KAMIKAZE
PILOTS. A COMMANDER STANDS TO
ADDRESS THE `MEETING ON WHICH SITS
ONE KAMIKAZE PILOT WITH HIS GEAR
AND HEADBAND ON. ON THE BENCH
ARE LAID OUT THE HEADBANDS OF
MANY OTHER PRESUMABLY DECEASED
KAMIKAZE PILOTS. A COMMANDER
STANDS TO ADDRESS THE `MEETING'.
COMM: Now, you all know the purpose of this mission. It is
a kamikaze mission. Your sacred task is to destroy
the ships of the American fleet in the Pacific. This
will involve the deaths of each and everyone of you.
Including you.
PILOT: Me sir?
CoMM: Yes you. You are a kamikaze pilot?
PILOT: Yes sir.
COMM: What are you?
PILOT: A kamikaze pilot sir.
COMM: And what is your function as a kamikaze pilot?
PILoT: To lay down my life for the Emperor sir!
COMM: How many missions have you flown on?
PILOT: Nineteen sir.
COMM: Yes, I have the reports on your previous missions
here. (FLIPS THROUGH EACH ONE.) Let's see.
Couldn't find target, couldn't find target, got lost,
couldn't find target, forgot to take headband,
couldn't find target, couldn't find target, headband
slipped over eyes, couldn't find target, came back
with headache...
PILOT: Headband too tight sir.
COMM: Vertigo, couldn't find target all the rest, couldn't
find target. Now I don't think you've been looking
very hard.
PILOT: Yes I have sir, I've looked all over the place!
COMM: You see, it's not actually that difficult bearing in
mind that we do have a highly sophisticated
reconnaissance unit whose job it is to tell you where
to find the targets.
PILOT: Well, it's not always accurate sir, sometimes one can
search for hours and not see a single aircraft carrier.
COMM: Well, where exactly have you been looking for these
aircraft carriers?
PILOT: Er, well sir...
COMM: (FLIPPING THROUGH NOTES.)... I mean, I
notice for instance that you seem to have more or
less ignored the sea. I would have thought that the
sea was quite a promising area.
PILOT: Yes sir...
COMM: And that the airspace directly above Tokyo was not.
And another thing...
PILOT: Yes sir?
COMM: Skip the victory rolls.
PILOT: Sir, you're being unfair, I have flown over the sea lots
of times. I actually attacked an aircraft carrier once.
COMM: Ah yes, I have the details of your `attack' here.
Mission nineteen. Let's see. Take off 0500 hours
proceeded to target area, nice start. Target spotted
0520 hours, good, climbed to a height of 6000ft,
prepared for attack, went into a power dive, and
successfully... landed on target.
PILOT: I had to go wee wees sir. Caught short. But I took off
again immediately sir. Good job too - one of our lads
crashed straight into it. Poor devil didn't stand a chance.
COMM: What?
PILOT: No sir - and that really got me upset, and I was
going to let `em really have it -I was going to whip
it straight out, fly in low and lob it straight through
the dining room porthole - that would have sorted
them out.
COMM: You were going to do what?
PILOT: Cut it straight out and let `em have it, whee splat
right in the middle of their breakfast. They'd have
known we meant business then alright sir.
COMM: What were you going to cut straight out and throw
into their breakfast?
PILOT: My stomach sir. Oh yes, I'd like to see the
expressions on their faces when the great squelchy
mass plummetted right into. . .
COMM: Wait. . . wait a moment, let me just get this clear in
my mind. You were going to cut out...
PILOT: My stomach, yes sir, kamikaze... (DOES HARA-
KIRI GESTURE.)
COMM: You were going to cut out your stomach and...
throw it at the enemy?
PILOT: Yes sir, straight at them.
COMM: Any particular reason?
PILOT: Die for the Emperor sir.
COMM: And what purpose would that serve?
PILOT: Make the enemy feel guilty sir.