Satire By Ohlin:
Dodge Concept Bike Signals End Of World
Chrysler hurls tomahawk at us
by ohlin metzler
Wednesday, January 08, 2003
DETROIT (VPI) The word is gottendamerung, and according to my dictionary it means "the day of the great battle between the gods and the forces of evil, signaling the end of the world."
I heard it in a Twilight Zone episode. Everything I know of value about this life I learned from Twilight Zone episodes.
Strange thing: shortly after I discovered this new term, I actually saw what Rod Serling was referring to. I think.
It came at me at an unexpected venue, too.
It was like this: When I go to a strip club, I expect to see strippers. When I go to a boat show, I expect to see boaters. When I go to a political convention, I expect to see liars.
And when I go to a car show, I expect to see cars. And strippers. And liars.
But what I don't expect to see is the shocking display of gottendamerungism in mechanical form. And that's what I got, when Dodge rolled out a concept vehicle at the Detroit Auto Show that is not a car, but some hideous, twisted, grotesque freak that may just usher in the End of the World.
It's called a Tomahawk. I have no idea why.
What it is I'm not positive about, either, but I think it's a motorcycle with four wheels. It has a V-10 engine and a claimed top speed of 400 MPH. I'm not making this up.
The specs release say this:
500 Horsepower
1,500 lbs
Two motorcycle drive chains
Two-Speed transmission
4 Dunlops
3. 25 gallons of gas
From Dodge's Trevor Creed:
"The Dodge brand philosophy challenges us to grab life by the horns. Tomahawk is a scintillating example of what creative minds can do when they're allowed to run free."
Yeegods. There's a frightening thought. The last time my creative mind was allowed to run free, I got arrested for indecent exposure.
So what the hell is going on here? Why is Dodge basically showing off their creative thingy by building a chrome-plated wheelbarrow from hell? Somebody's been grabbing their horn, all right. But why are they poking this thing at the motorcycle community? Why are they aiming this cartoon mutant, which blends the artistic and intellectual sensibilities of NASCAR with the engineering genius of a self-cleaning litter box (that cats won't go near), at us?
Ohlin has a theory. He will share it with you, now.
Attend:
Back a few years ago, Cycle World magazine ran one of those "car versus motorcycle" articles, which pitted (if memory serves) a Dodge Viper against a Yamaha YZF1000. The Yama was piloted by a Mr. Brian Cattersen, who by the way is one of the good guys in motojournalism. They are getting fewer and fewer; scribes like him.
Anyway, during this dustup the Viper demonstrated that a) its brakes sucked, and b) the rest of the car sucked because it blew an engine. Typical.
Cars. Sheesh.
"Two Wheels Good, Four Wheels Bad" as we say here on the Farm.
This clearly was not too good a showing for the car. Not surprisingly, this started to get Dodge's undies in a bunch. But they didn't go ballistic. Yet.
That is, until Harley-Davidson started muscling in on their turf, you see. Harley had the audacity to cross the line, or at least go and visit the other side when they got together with Ford a few years ago to produce an object called a "truck." The latest version is called the Ford Harley-Davidson F150 Supercrew, and it has all kinds of bikey stuff on it. Ohlin had driven it. It has a supercharged engine. It sounds like Mel Gibson's car in the first Mad Max movie, and is as fast as most Harleys, too. Well, almost.
This really opened Dodge's eyes, which had been partially closed thanks to the heavy window tinting in their latest Grand Caravan. And their eyes told them, "Holy crap! Motorcycle companies are muscling in!"
Oh, and as an aside, Dodge hates Ford, too, because they embraced the two-wheeled world before they did and sells 3 times as many full-size pickups as they do. This is a very competitive arena, similar to the one manufacturers in World Superbike used to compete in before everybody left.
In time, Dodge noticed that Honda is building cars. And so is BMW. And Suzuki. And Corbin, who started with motorcycle seats and has now had their weird little car in the latest Austin Powers movie right next to Minis and Minimes.
Imagine that.
It should shock no one to learn that Dodge does not like all these interlopers. And so they released their creative thingy and now we have the Tomahawk, which some have called a "Chopper." They clearly are aiming it at Atlanta Braves fans, and people who think a big motor with a seat is as hot an item as a naked Cameron Diaz. With a seat.
Oh, and they're serving notice to us, the motorcyclists. "Look out," they're saying. "Here we come."
And are we threatened? Do we even care? I can't speak for you of course.
But as for me, I honestly don't give a gottendamerung.