Either that, or I'm going to kill him!

I'm sitting working at home on my laptop, with various papers spread out on the table.  He then walks over, sits his ass down on the paper I'm working with, and WIPES HIS ASS ON MY WORK by scooting his butt along the paper.  [b]AAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGHHH ! ! ! [/b]

Completely oblivious to my screaming (in terror as well as in anger) he then walks across my keyboard, changing setting that I'm still trying to figure out how to reset.  Then, when I call my fiancee to ask he if she wants another cat at her house - he tries to tear the phone out of my hand and eat the antenna.


Actually, if it wasn't for the big brown stain acorss my paper, I would be laughing ... no respect for my work!  [:D]

I'll give you a tree-pity for it.

Is this your cat?
[img]http://photos.ar15.com/ImageGallery/IG_LoadImage.asp?iImageUnq=3853[/img]

Deep-fired or baked?, Doc says I need to cut down on fried foods.....[:)]

Mike

Sure, put it on the 100 yd. line.

uh...

you aren't a 5 foot asian dude who owns the Lucky Star near my work are you???

[>:/]

shoot the fucker. use hollow points.

My cat does that when he has a urinary tract infection.  It happens once every couple of years.  Take him to the vet.  If it is an infection, they can fix him up.  If not, you at least know you have a screwy cat and can get rid of him in good conscience.  LOL.


toast

Oh, yeah, or his anal glands could be blocked.  Seriously.  A painful condition, and he's trying to let you know.


toast

OMFG that is hilarious!!


This whole incident reminds me of my all-time favorite Homer Simpson quote:

"Animals are crapping in our houses and we're cleaning it up! Did we lose a war?"

Hey LORDTRADER - this might be the only pussy you can get!!!

What he said.





On another note, why yes, i would like a cat.  I was wondering what to have for dinner tonight...

You might try this to help cure your itchy pussy. [img]http://www.ntuchealthmart.com.sg/Pics/Images/vagitcrbg.gif[/img]

How fast can he run?? [}:D]

Maybe if you just drop him off at a local Chinese restaurant..they would be grateful. [:D]

At least he is using paper, DAMN!


ByteTheBullet  (-:

[img]http://www.printroom.com/_vti_bin/ViewImage.dll?userid=jimmybcool&album_id=59083&image_id=48&courtesy=1[/img]

My offer of tree-pity still stands. If you agree on the sale, I will send you this kitty carrier for proper transport to my facility.

[img]www.thecatgallery.com/images/catcarrier-3.JPG[/img]

What the hell is a tree-pity?

Love the cat-carrier!  I think I'll need help installing it on a 19-lb cat:

[img]http://www.olin.wustl.edu/faculty/langfred/leviathan.jpg[/img]

[url=http://www.ar15.com/forums/topic.html?b=1&f=5&t=163425]Sgtar15 does![/url]

[}:D]

May I point out that this may be a near perfect time to run some real world ballistic test.

Come on.....didn't you always want to see what the 40 grain V-Max bullets can really do?[sniper2]

Sgtar15

19-lb?  Shoot.  Round here we call that a Bobcat!!  [:O][:O][:O][:O]

Sorry, no.  My freezer is full. [:D] (Ducking the fury of Cap'n Piccolo)

Yeah, my folks are hooked on Maine Coon cats.  They definitely tend to get rather large.

It is better if you start out with a nice young kitten.  If you are interested check out a very good site for the latest techniques to shape and mold your kitten into the perfect pet.  [url]http://www.bonsaikitten.com[/url]

The best place to get kitties:

[img]http://www.hunting-pictures.com/members/Boomholzer/kittyvendmachine.jpg[/img]

Some cat humor ...

[b]Cat Diary[/b]

 DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

 DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed.

 DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.

 DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and Condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan ...

 DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

 DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer."  More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

 DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time.

More Cat Humor ...

[b]INSTRUCTIONS FOR GIVING YOUR CAT A PILL:[/b]

1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth.  Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with its head just visible from below spouse's armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing.  Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with rubber band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges.  Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve cat from tree across the road.  Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.  Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed.  Force cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour pint of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room; sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop by furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for vet to make a house call

hey dude, niice pussy! however, i don't think mine would like yours around the house.
[img]http://www.alpharubicon.com/~fixer/images/UrbanCATmando.jpg[/img]