I dont know about you, but I would probably take up smoking again.

Bad ass thunder storms fuck your shit up

Wait for Bill O'Reilly to take credit.

YES!        
 

How's a 1000 mph sudden stop sound?  

Is the van down by the river?

Is the van on a treadmill? Do pieces of popped balloon land on a treadmill? Does the earth, after rotation stops, end up on a treadmill?  These questions need to be answered before I tell you to lay off the drugs, 'mmmkay

Is the van on a treadmill?

Eta: damn. Beat.

Did the earth stop spinning in a miracle, inertia-less manner, or did some cataclysm halt the rotation of the earth, but not its structure, the things on its surface, nor its atmosphere?

Yes.

 

Well, you'd better have the van pointed due east and have real good brakes, 'cause you're going to be instantly doing just a bit over 1,000 mph while everything else on the surface is standing still.

Think of a jet fighter being launched from the deck of an aircraft carrier.

I hope you can eject and have a parachute.

I don't know but you will sound like a duck.

a shit storm of unfavorable events

How much of a tailwind is there?

The balloons stop moving so suddenly they batter you to mush and you die.....

You don't have to make any more van payments.

Assuming a gradual enough of a stop so that you don't crash and burn along with most other stuff on the surface, different things will occur depending on whether you are in daylight or at night.  The day will become the length of a year.  While you are in the sun the van will bake, the balloons will pop, and you will cook like a well done roast.  Meanwhile the helium will rise to the top of the atmosphere and some will escape into space.  When night falls you will then freeze like the leftover roast in the deep freezer.  

If you are stopped at night the balloons will slowly lose the helium since it will escape out the small holes in the rubber, but since it will get cold, the rubber will become brittle as well, so they might pop even with lower pressure.

There will be a slight increase in felt gravity since the angular acceleration that tends to throw you away from the surface will be gone.

If along with the loss of rotation about its axis, the Earth were to stop its orbit around the sun, well you wouldn't have to worry about freezing to death if it were night when it stopped for you.

Nails it..

 

The hooker finishes what you paid her to do?

a short lived unpleasant experience

How many balloons?

Inhale helium.  Make prank phone calls.  Giggle.

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